Not enjoying the newborn stage …

[Ppeter500]

Hi ladies
I feel awful saying this and really don’t want to talk to anyone in real life about this …
I wished for my baby for years and years and she is the most perfect little thing, but I am just really not enjoying the newborn stage..
I don’t know what i expected from the newborn stage but everyone just to say to me ‘oh newborns are so easy, just eat sleep and s**t’ ‘make the most of how easy newborns are’, so I sort of had this false sense of reality that this would be a breeze…
it has not been a breeze at all. It’s so much harder than I expected it to be (I obviously knew that it wouldn’t be all rosey), but the sleepless nights and the crying is just more intense than I thought it would be.
it sounds awful but I just don’t enjoy it. I love the moments when we’re contact napping and the little small bursts of play time, but for the most part I do find myself thinking oh I just can’t wait for her to be a bit older and happier and in more of a routine. I sound so awful and genuinely sometimes reduce myself to tears out of guilt for thinking like this… especially because I tried for a long time to fall pregnant.
people keep saying I bet you can’t wait to have another and all I keep thinking is no, I really really do not want another one as I couldn’t imagine doing all of this again!
I know I am the worst person and I know that I should be grateful, and trust me I really am!! But as I say, just didn’t expect it all to be so hard.
just think that now I’m hitting the 8 week mark it’s all starting to take its toll and I’m feeling drained of doing everything on my own (DP works long hours so never around to help), I just feel exhausted and completely burnt out!

pleaseeeeeeee I am asking nicely do not comment if you are going to try to make me feel worse then I already feel for thinking like this!

First things first big hugs, it.is.HARD!!!! your feelings are completely normal, I can't stress to you how many new mum's feel like this, I felt exactly like this, I felt touched out, exhausted, not connected, a failure....the list goes on!

Generally people idealise the whole newborn thing but it's not unusual to find this phase incredibly difficult emotionally and physically. If I asked you to run a marathon then not sleep for two months or eat properly with half a stone tied to your front do you think you would feel like bliss? And that's what you body has just done,plus add hormones into the mix and what this does to your brain and body it's is no surprise looking at things logically that this isn't the blissfull experience thataybe were lead to believe it would be.

Please talk to your health visitor, they were honestly so helpful for me and literally heard this a million times over from so many mums. Hang in there, you will absolutely get there, not everyone like each stage but you'll love others and there's nothing wrong with that xxxxx

I call it newborn boot camp. It’s horrendous. I’ve never found any aspect of parenting a breeze though. It’s all hard in different ways. The sleep deprivation and relentlessness of it is depressing. I did find my second marginally easier than my first, partially because I’d already gotten used to having a lot demanded of me. It’s a bit of a shock with your first. The crying is designed to get on your last nerve. It’s Mother Nature’s way of making sure you jump to it. Usually it’s worse between 6pm and 10pm. Witching hour. You just have to keep going and try and get a break where you can.

Oh love you are not awful in the slightest.

Newborn stage is tough and I didn't enjoy it either. Oddly loved toddler stage though.

It's the sleep deprivation, there's nothing worse.

Like you, I used to feel the guilt for not "loving every minute" but now she's six and the guilt has long gone. It's such an intense stage, coupled with the hormones and recovering from the birth.

Be kind to yourself, it does get better

Please stop feeling bad or beating yourself up over this. In a few years you will look back on this time and you will remember the happy parts and all the shit parts will become kind of fuzzy. Like you know they happened but the edges are soft and you don't quite remember how bad it was. That is why people tell you about the glorious newborn stage. Either that or they had dream babies and loads of support.

It is a really hard time. With both of mine I just remember being absolutely exhausted, overthinking everything, never being able to relax, and feeling like I would never get back to being "me" again.

I had a very supportive partner with my second but an absolute shit with my first (different dad's) and the difference that made was undeniable.

My advice would be to reach out to your friends and family. My best friend struggled with her newborn stage and years later finally admitted it to me and admitted she felt she couldn't ask for help because she felt she would be a failure. Far from it, I wanted to help but didn't like to intrude. We both wished she had let me know what was happening so I could have supported her. So reach out. You have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide, this is all very normal and I'm sure people would love to come sit with the baby for a while to let you have a shower and a nap.

Also remember that this is just a stage, it will pass, you will sleep again and it won't always feel like this.

Get yourself some loop earplugs for a start, ones that dull the noise but don't eliminate it, they'll really help take the shrillness off the crying. Also adapt your expectations of me time, it's a lot less now so enjoy every single second you get when they nap or cuddle in or when someone else has them. Also accept as much help as you're offered. It does get easier, it's peaks and troughs. I didn't mind newborn stage but haven't enjoyed other parts. Like swing parks. I detest swing parks 😝

Oh it's so hard! I get what you're saying. The newborn days are bloody relentless. I was literally exhausted - it's 21 years ago for me- my DS is a proper grown up these days.
DH worked permanent nights as well! I remember going to work (mat leave was 4 months back then) having had 3 hours sleep (one stint of 2 hrs then one more)
It seems like it never ends- it does though- this is a hard, shit bit of your life but you will come through it I promise.
Yes please speak to your health visitor and see if they can offer any support but cling on to the fact it does get easier once you get through this bit. You have my every sympathy - I had the same thoughts you are having but we got through in the end!

Oh I hated it too. DH works away so similar situation.

Time really does go by really fast though. Mine are 11 and 13 and it's all still a shock.

I highly doubt anyone would say anything contrary because this is so common! I admit my first 3 babies were very easy and it was all amazing, but my 4th wasn't! I get it now. It was mostly due to her being sensitive to caffeine in my breastmilk, so even just a tea or coffee a day would set her off screaming all day. And I didn't know why for weeks! I thought I might lose my mind, and might have for awhile. I can barely even remember her as a newborn, I had PND really bad too. There's so much shit no one tells you about, but you'll find it here. Mothers go through hell and back for their kids. The more time goes by the less you remember about the pain and agony and extreme fatigue. You start getting baby fever and bam it starts all over again. Good news is all pregnancies and all babies are different. So if you had a bad experience it likely won't repeat itself. You might have a different bad experience but not the same. It's just wonderful enough we keep doing it. This is why I will always and forever say it makes no sense why everyone says men are the stronger sex. They just have more energy to flex because we do all the hard stuff for them. You're a badass, don't forget it. This will soon pass, you have lots of stages to enjoy ahead.

Think you’ve been lied to by your friends! 😂 sorry just trying to make light of it!
I sometimes worry I’m too brutally honest about things,! I obviously read the room but if you were friends with me you’d know that your feelings are completely normal!
I can remember thinking I love ds but I don’t love this (this being a mum) but once I opened up to people around me and found out we were all feeling the same at times I felt so much better.
i think when your not in the newborn stage you remember it as being easy because as they get older there a different challenges and you look back and think god it was easier when they just ate and slept! I didn’t think I’d have a second but I did… it was hard but I’ve not worried half as much about things as it all goes by in a flash! It wil get easier! Xx

Another one here who empathises.

I found the whole newborn phase immensely dull and full on.

Everyone around me kept telling me how magical it was. People who I was honest with thought I had PND. I really didn't. It was just dull. Society doesn't allow you to say this though. I'm glad you've found an outlet on here.

I’m not afraid to say I hated the newborn stage. I didn’t say it at the time as I thought it would make me look bad etc but my baby is 10 months now and I admit it.

my baby cried all the time, make sure you get baby checked incase they have reflux or some allergies to milk etc but don’t be surprised to get fobbed off a lot by gps etc. baby could also have colic too, mine did. I went to a&e twice thinking something was wrong as wouldn’t stop crying. My baby was so hard to see sleepy cues and then would refuse naps etc which made the crying worse being over tired. But it does get better honestly.

about 12 weeks it got better, I thought it never would. Then every month or so it got better. Once they can smile at you that helps as you can interact a bit more and start getting something back as it feels like a thankless job. But then when they sit up, eat, etc, roll over it gets better each time. I think a lot of the time it’s frustration on their part. Don’t get me wrong it’s hard now chasing a crawling baby etc but soooo much easier than a newborn.

hang in there, be kind to yourself, and ask and accept help where possible. Things are much easier to deal with when you’re not as tired. Also health visitors are good to talk to about your feelings too, they understand

I hated the newborn stage as well. It’s not unusual. It gets much better from here, don’t worry! One they start to talk to you and see their little personalities emerging and they are a little less intense and needy, I found it so much more enjoyable!

Newborn phase I hated and struggled with despite having a "good" baby.
8 weeks is not great, all the sleep deprivation is catching up and 8-12 w was probably the worst. ALSO it's depths of winter which won't be helping.

it does getter better!
By Jan there will be some improvement, by march there will be significant improvement.

Big milestones for me were: 3-4m longer sleep blocks, winding themselves at about 5-6m (again better sleep) and 8m or so personality starting to emerge.

I LOVE toddler phase (even with the tantrums which annoy me SO much less than I expected) it's funny and surprising and rewarding!

Retrospectively I was anxious with my first and all the "it's magicals" and "enjoy! This is the easy bit!" made me feel like shit. It was just a big sleepless grind which I was overcomplicating & stressed about.

With no 2 the bar is/was lower and I "accept the process" / the fact I just have to go through new born stage.

Oh ladies you have no idea how good it is to hear your stories and just knowing that I’m not alone. What a huge weight off my shoulders to say this all on here and have such supportive responses. I definitely feel that it’s not easy to be open and honest with friends and family as I remember saying to my friend that I hated giving birth and would never want to do it again and she looked at me in utter horror and disgust!!
I do just need to ride this out and just keep telling myself that things will get better. Seeing health visitor in a few days so will definitrly
mention all of this…
wow honestly still so touched at the level of responses and support so thank you so much.
actually tearing up reading through everything as sometimes it just feels so lonely so nice to know I’m not alone xxx

It's hard and you're not alone. It also does get better, I promise. I found the first 6 months some of the hardest of my life, the monotony of maternity leave was unbearable and you get absolutely nothing back from babies! I went back to work and things started to get better. Since 18 months it has just got better and better, I can't imagine a life without her and look forward to the time we have together. I think communication is a big thing - once they start communicating with you it's a real game changer. That will feel a long way off not but in retrospect I promise it will feel like no time. Things that helped me were connecting with other mums and getting out the house every day. I wouldn't have coped without that great group of women I got to know. Hang in there, it will get better and you really aren't the only one who feels like this.

Ps maybe find some people other than the friends telling you it's a breeze and the best time! They're deluded!

My second baby is 4 weeks and I’m still finding it shit. She basically will hardly sleep in any kind of bed, only on us. We’re having to take shifts and it’s exhausting, i get up at 2.30am. I think she has reflux but we can’t try thickeners as she already has constipation.

Newborn life throws up all kinds of stuff and it’s shit. But really, i think it’s mostly the sleep deprivation that’s a killer. If i get sleep, i can deal with anything else.

just take it one day at a time op. Getting outside also helps. And i always feel better after a shower/food/coffee x

Another one who hates the newborn stage. My baby is now 12 weeks and slowly starting to see improvement. It does get better OP.

I found it relentless. There was no break, no time to relax. There was always something to do.
I was trying (not very successfully) to breastfeed and at 9 and a half weeks I threw in the towel and combi fed. That helped.

Looking back, I feel that I tried too hard and wanted so badly to get everything right, that I didn't allow myself to enjoy it.

It got better when we established a routine at about 3 months.

Keep going. You're doing great and you're totally normal!!!! Mine is 9 now and a total star 🌟

Yep. Some newborns suck.
I birthed a none sleeping, screaming, variety whose only mission in life was to be attached to me and stop me sleeping. He HATED being a baby.
Got much better once he could move (at 5 months!), and again when on decent amounts of food (7 months).

Every stage is different. Some parents at better at some stages. Some babies are better at some stages. Just remember - it WILL change.

I hated the first year both times. Bloody awful. On my own like a ghost in the house while dh was at work having to narrate out loud what I'm doing to a crying potato so they learn language. Going out was horrendous and always involved some kind of mishap of incident. By 18 months I had talkers and walkers and finally I could see the appeal!

Audiobooks helped, I used to pop them on the loud speaker all round the house.

If she has constipation and reflux then I'd skip straight to the underlying issue rather than mask it with thickeners and assume she may have cmpa

Thanks but already spoken to GP and not concerned about CPMA at this point. Constipation from formula is very common, as is some reflux (very mild) in isolation. Apart from that she is fine :)

My first son was like this, cred so much, didn’t sleep longer than 30 minutes in the daytime and hated being put down in cot. The only thing that seemed to make him quiet was walking him in his pram, so we would be out several times a day and MIL came round to help after work. The only good thing was that although he wasn’t going down to sleep until late, around 11 pm he did sleep through till 5.30 /6 am. He also wasn’t a smiley baby, yes I could get the odd smile out of him, but it didn’t seem to come naturally. It did put me off having a second child and when I did first DS was nearly 4, second DS was completely different, slept really well and was a happy content baby.

Oh OP I really feel for you. It is hard!! I found it so difficult and intense to have to provide everything for this tiny needy human. The first year was definitely the hardest for me. Hang in there - it will get easier.