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Original poster

Nursery fees. Babies dad refusing to pay towards.

59 replies

LD233 · 18/12/2023 17:55

Hi all
So I'm going back to work next summer when my son will be 11 months old. I will be going back part time as that's all I can dud and afford due to childcare. I will be putting him in nursery 3 days a week.
I know as a single parent I will get some help but I have worked out I will still be paying hundreds each month for childcare aswell as food that needs to be paid for there and I feel I will struggle paying on a part time wage
I have asked his dad to pay towards or half of it so its fair and he is point blank refusing. Saying its my problem as he lives with me. He only has our son one night a week on a weekend. I am really unhappy with this. He pays maintenance 200 a month however when it gets to nursery this won't even cover half of the nursery fees aswell as everything else I pay for. He doesn't pay for anything just the maintenance so I get all of his stuff he needs as well as bills that have gone up. I have expressed how I find this unfair and unreasonable and he just keeps saying its my problem and he's not paying.

How is it fair that I have to go back to work part time and pay childcare fees when in already sacrificing my work and money and he gets to work full time with no impact on finances and he doesn't have to sort childcare as he doesn't live with him?!

OP posts:
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Spirallingdownwards · 18/12/2023 19:12

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 18/12/2023 18:07

I’d withhold contact - let him pay some legal fees for access

You can't and if you did the court will frown upon this and more likely ask that she pay his costs.

Thatswhy11 · 18/12/2023 19:16

It's tricky... this is single parent life and unfortunately a lot of fathers expect the mother to pick up the slack! You can go down the CMS route but would he then drop the 1 day he does?

HazelWicker · 18/12/2023 19:22

It's shit OP, I'm sorry. Society (and the court system) does not recognise all that women do which men often do not when it comes to children.

My ex is better than most so I feel 'lucky'. But I shouldn't! Because he's still turned mine and my daughter's lives upside down. He pays maintenance as per CMS calculator and 50% childcare. Doesn't have her overnight at all currently as not set up for it, but he will stay round mine on an evening if I want to go out.

I hate how if a dad wants 50:50 it's tough shit whatever mum thinks, and if a dad wants no access it's tough shit whatever mum thinks. Literally done over if you have a vagina. This is the real 'motherhood' penalty.

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9-12 months old Babies & sleep Childcare & nursery Families
kimchio · 18/12/2023 19:23

Soontobe60 · 18/12/2023 17:58

If you’re prepared to have 50/50 shared care of your child, then he would have to pay for the days when the baby is with him.

This

ElevenSeven · 18/12/2023 19:25

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 18/12/2023 18:07

I’d withhold contact - let him pay some legal fees for access

Terrible advice

PuttingDownRoots · 18/12/2023 19:31

Unfortunately Maintenance is only calculated on what the non resident parent earns not actually what the essentials cost. Its shit. Fathers not paying is immoral. But its the system.

fixies · 18/12/2023 19:53

He's paying £200 a month on a wage if about £34k? That's pathetic. There's no way that's all he can afford (unless he's paying for other kids?). He's a selfish so and so. Then he says he'll dodge cms firms.
I can't understand why people on here are telling you to suck it up? Is that what people think? Look after a child one day a week anc contribute virtually nothing towards it? Meanwhile the mother is hundreds of pounds out of pocket for doing 6/7ths of the work? You father a child you should pay half of everything. He wants to see the baby he needs to man up!

SecondUsername4me · 18/12/2023 19:56

What is your full time salary? Do you rent or own? You should only be paying 15% of your childcare bills. Yes nursery's charge extra for meals, but sometimes they drop this charge if you supply food. And many childminders build the costs of meals into the hourly rate so it may also be worth checking them out.

The consensus is he pays for childcare he needs and you pay for childcare you need, which is why lone parents usually only pay 15% of the bill.

SecondUsername4me · 18/12/2023 19:57

Have you put his salary into a CMS calculator?

Thatswhy11 · 18/12/2023 20:08

@fixies are you a single parent yourself? Your post isn't helping. OPs baby is small and posters don't want to mislead OP in any way..... YES fathers SHOULD pay half of costs because its immoral and unfair to the child and the mother. Back in the real world there's NOTHING OP can do.... if the father won't fo halves on childcare costs!!

SecondUsername4me · 18/12/2023 20:16

OP when your child goes and stays with his father, please tell me you don't pack everything he needs for the stay?

The cms calculations are done on the assumption that the non resident parent covers all costs while they have the dc. So they need to have their own nappies, wipes, milk, bottles, clothes, dummies, travel cot, car seat etc.

Original poster
LD233 · 18/12/2023 20:25

SecondUsername4me · 18/12/2023 20:16

OP when your child goes and stays with his father, please tell me you don't pack everything he needs for the stay?

The cms calculations are done on the assumption that the non resident parent covers all costs while they have the dc. So they need to have their own nappies, wipes, milk, bottles, clothes, dummies, travel cot, car seat etc.

I do pack everything. He has nothing for him just the cot he sleeps in there. But i am going to stop this as it's unfair

OP posts:
SecondUsername4me · 18/12/2023 20:26

Literally just hand him over in his carseat and clothes.

Original poster
LD233 · 18/12/2023 20:27

He does have another child with someone else but he is in a relationship with her. He has a 4 year old that he pays some money towards each month
So not sure if this will affect costs but he also said he doesn't put anything towards his childcare fees either. But the mother isn't working so she didn't put him back into childcare.

OP posts:
Original poster
LD233 · 18/12/2023 20:28

SecondUsername4me · 18/12/2023 19:56

What is your full time salary? Do you rent or own? You should only be paying 15% of your childcare bills. Yes nursery's charge extra for meals, but sometimes they drop this charge if you supply food. And many childminders build the costs of meals into the hourly rate so it may also be worth checking them out.

The consensus is he pays for childcare he needs and you pay for childcare you need, which is why lone parents usually only pay 15% of the bill.

My full time salary is 25k however I am going back 3 days a week so it will of course be less going back

OP posts:
SecondUsername4me · 18/12/2023 20:29

Do you rent? Do you get any universal credits?

arethereanyleftatall · 18/12/2023 20:40

When you go through CMS op, do it without him knowing. Otherwise he might try and shuffle his finances. If he is dodging the tax man, you can let them know.

WorriedMum231 · 18/12/2023 21:23

LD233 · 18/12/2023 18:49

He is yes. One night a week. I do not breastfeed he is formula fed and I spoke to my health visitor about this and other parents who said it was okay

Show quote history

You don’t need to explain yourself to that PP.

LaurieStrode · 19/12/2023 03:03

LD233 · 18/12/2023 20:27

He does have another child with someone else but he is in a relationship with her. He has a 4 year old that he pays some money towards each month
So not sure if this will affect costs but he also said he doesn't put anything towards his childcare fees either. But the mother isn't working so she didn't put him back into childcare.

Does he have two other kids or one?

If he has a four-year-old and is in a relationship with his/her biological-mother, how did he happen to conceive a child with you?

hattie43 · 19/12/2023 05:51

Did you ex even want a child . Doesn't sound like he has much interest in him .

AuContraire · 19/12/2023 06:07

There is absolutely no point going through the CMS of he's self employed. He probably knows this too.

It's really short OP, I sometimes struggle to believe how bad the situation is regarding childcare costs and the paltry CMS amounts which the majority of fathers don't even bother to pay, and then the CMS does nothing to punish them.

ElevenSeven · 19/12/2023 06:10

How is it fair that I have to go back to work part time and pay childcare fees when in already sacrificing my work and money and he gets to work full time with no impact on finances and he doesn't have to sort childcare as he doesn't live with him?!

It isn’t fair, but there’s no way to force him to contribute.

Soontobe60 · 19/12/2023 06:22

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 18/12/2023 18:07

I’d withhold contact - let him pay some legal fees for access

Terrible advice - don’t use your child as a bargaining tool.

Thatswhy11 · 19/12/2023 06:36

@AuContraire OP needs to go through CMS. There's some bad advice on here. Firstly once you use CMS they are a bit shit at times BUT you get a yearly review... OP can further things and challenge her exs earnings through the courts. I applied last November because my ex decided he earns £86 per week!!. It's been a slow slow process BUT his earnings have shot right up on this year's CMS year AND we are awaiting a court date... as I've challenged his earnings from last November. It's due to go to court in the new year.

No wonder there's all these men getting away Scott free. There's nothing to say OPs ex will always be self employed either.

CornishTiger · 19/12/2023 06:43

Oh he’s a prince isn’t he?

Time you started to stand up to him and take all the emotion out of it.

Most non resident parents don’t pay childcare costs unless 50/50 shared care and they need it to fulfil their parenting schedule.

Get CMS to do the calculation and annual review. He’ll low ball your maintenance otherwise.

He needs to provide everything whilst your son is there. Personally I’d send clothes at this young age as long as those clothes come back and he is respectful of them. Eg attempting to sort any stains etc.

As for nappies and formula. Nope. He funds. If he moans how expensive nappies and formula are welcome to your world!