Entitled 10 year old

[ricecrispiecake]

I'm at a loss with my spoilt, entitled 10 year old DS.

A few days ago I asked my DS what he would like for Christmas and he showed me on his iPad.

Cut to today and I asked if I could borrow the iPad for something (I was going to get the link to order the gift) his response was "no, I'm in the middle of a game" ok fair.

I ask again 10 minutes later.. "NO I SAID I'm in a game, wait until I lose".

Another 15/20 minutes pass and I ask again saying I'd really like to use it to look at something his response was "OMG I HAVEN'T LOST YET STOP ASKING"

To which my response was "actually, forget it. I was going to use it to find the link for the gift you wanted so I could order it, but I won't bother now".

Queue enormous amounts of crying, trying to hand me the iPad with "you can use it now I've lost now". (He hadn't, he just realised he was gonna miss out.

But at that point I was past the point of caring, he was only bothered because he realised it was something he was going to directly benefit from. He apologised saying "sorry for not letting you use my iPad"
"Can you order me the gift now".

It all sounds silly written down but it's just the entitled behaviour that's bothering me and I know that I've allowed it but where do I go from here?😭

My 8yo tried speaking to me like that and her iPad is now in the cupboard. Where it will stay until she can speak to me with respect.

Take the iPad.

You should be firmer with him.
The iPad should have been confiscated at the first sign of rudeness.

You're going to have a nightmare of a teenager if you don't nip this in the bud now.

Is it his iPad though? If so you asked to borrow something of his that he was still using? Yes his response was rude but I know how I’d feel if someone did this to something of mine - even if it was for me in the long run!

I mean he was rude to you but really you as the adult could have handled it better too. I would have just been very clear and said 10 more minutes on your game and then I need to borrow the IPad.

Your response to him sounds like tit for tat, and was always going to end badly. Very immature.

You admit that you've created the problem so only you can fix it. Consequences for actions/words ie loss of ipad until he can speak politely to you.
Teach him the value of money ie if he wants an ipad he can save up for one.
DD tried this, started YR 7 and we bought a device from school (paid in 9 installments over 3 year however now some parents have bought ipad 4s instead. She asked for an ipad 4, I said no because we have just bought you a device. When the deal runs out at end Yr 9 we will look at an ipad. If you want an ipad before then you can save up for one yourself. No negotiation, we laid out the terms and she has to lump it. She knows there is no point arguing or begging because no means no in this house and we won't change our minds.

Is it his Ipad or the family one?

What are the rules and limits about the iPad?
Is it his or the family ipad?
How involved does he get when gaming? If very then you must know it would be a fight to get it off him.
Your response was as childish as his - except he is the child not you.

Obviously this is unacceptable behaviour. But was he still in the middle of a game? If he was, I think I might have waited, to be honest. "OK, bring it to me when you're finished." With teenagers, sometimes you have to deescalate before it escalates, if you see what I mean.

Yeah I realise my handling of the situation wasn't the best and I'm really embarrassed about that. Looking back I realise I should've just waited and I could've ordered it at any point today.

I had originally tried to search for the item myself but couldn't find the one he'd shown previously, which is why I wanted to use the iPad.

It is his iPad, it was bought for him by another family member a couple of years ago. He doesn't really get obsessive when playing a game and I do understand his frustrations that it's his and it's annoying someone asking to use something that you're currently using.

I have since taken the iPad which doesn't seem to have bothered him much. He just asked "if I won't be getting it as a gift, can I buy it myself?"

Honestly? I reckon it's a he says sorry for being rude, you say sorry for not letting him finish the game, give his iPad back and move on situation. We've all been there!

Looking back I realise I should've just waited and I could've ordered it at any point today

No. You should have removed the iPad when he was rude.

Jesus, you've been really horrible. You absolutely didn't need the ipad at that particular point in time. What an absolutely horrible thing to do.

You really need some parenting skills. Id focus on that rather than this stupid incident. You seem to barely know and like your son, and he seems rude and also easily frightened and not securely attached to you. The insult—> threat—> crying/begging cycle you describe is just so immature and sad on both your sides.

This

In that situation, I guess I would have explained what I wanted it for and, if time was critical, asked to have it in five minutes, to allow time to get used to the idea. If time not critical, ask to please bring it to me when finished. Also point out the rudeness of tone and ask to speak more politely in future.

(This is the ideal version - I don’t always live up to my ideals!)

Modelling good manners is much more effective than merely instructing children to have good manners, in the long run.

As my children have gone through their teens I have realised a lot of our arguments are partly my fault for trying to hold on too long to the level of control I had when they were babies.

But I think it’s still my job to make them aware if they are behaving badly or rudely.

Yes

I don't know about this. If someone asked me while I'm in the middle of using it, I wouldn't just hand it over. I too recently asked to use my daughters phone (for the link to her christmas present) I explained that I wanted to do and can I have it when it's free. She gave it to me after she finished chatting with a friend online. When they play games, it's often with real people so would upset the game for everyone. Think I'm on the fence here. I know they're kids and should be respectful, but I treat mine how I want to be treated. Your kid didn't know what you were doing, for all they knew you wanted to facetime someone or do online shopping.

I agree with this.

My kids are both ND and things like suddenly hiding their devices at a hint of rudeness would not be worth the extreme consequences for all of us! I give as much warning as possible. In this instance I'd have explained why I wanted to use the iPad and then they probably would have handed it over happily when ready. If time was of the essence I'd have explained that, then set a timer for 5 mins or whatever. I've had to learn to not be overly authoritarian with my kids because it just doesn't work.

Cut hin some slack! Gaming is designed by adults to be addictive and most adults would find it hard to give device up the mid-game, let alone a child,

He's been caught up in the game rather than being 'entitled' (a word that's used rather lightly these days). . You could have asked him to bring ithe device to you after finishing the next game.

Perhaps review how much screen tine he's exposed to.

This. Don't overthink it, its not a big deal really. If he is rude or disrespectful in other ways, you need to address these, but the incident that you describe feels like a non-issue.

To be fair he said he was in the middle of something and he'd give it to you when he lost the game and you seemed ok with that on principle--but then got impatient. You were the one who changed the parameters there. If it's his iPad then i can see why he found it annoying.

This is the process we've followed pretty much.

I've apologised for the way I terribly handled the situation (looking back there wasn't even a situation to handle) and he's apologised for the way he spoke.

He did admit that he was playing with a friend in real time so I can see it would've been difficult to hand it over there and then.

It really was a non issue and I'm not sure why I posted, it felt bigger in the moment.

& to the poster that said I don't appear to know or even like my son? I'm not sure how you've arrived at that conclusion but okay.

So if you were reading a book, which was yours, and someone demanded you give it to them, with no explanation, and you said ' No, I am reading it.' And they kept demanding you give it to them NOW, with no explanation.

Would you think they were rude or you? Would you really think they were justified to snatch it from you and hide it from you?

That's complete fair and I realise now that's what happened and I was completely wrong and out of order.

I think I just got stressed leaving Christmas present to the last minute (again) but that's my problem and I shouldn't have made it his.

I think your impatience was the cause of his reaction.
To then tell him "actually, forget it. I was going to use it to find the link for the gift you wanted so I could order it, but I won't bother now" was quite spiteful.

He was doing something he wanted to do and you were interrupting him to do something you wanted to do, which wasn't urgent, even if it was for his benefit.
I think you need to accept his apology and give him an apology too.