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Parenting

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Original poster

New parent arguments divorce?

30 replies

Megan1591 · 15/12/2023 22:34

We have a much wanted and awaited 6 week old baby girl.
My husband has gone back to work after the 2 weeks and has returned to the gym (4-5 times a week)and his other hobby shooting (1-2 times a week). This last couple of weeks, we have been arguing a lot in regards to how he spends his time. His day is a long one, his alarm goes off at 4am, works until 1pm, then gym and gets home for 3pm, he walks the dogs (which weather depending I go with him) one or two afternoons a week he will go shooting. I take care of the baby after a csection, nightfeeds, household chores, foodshop, cooking etc. whilst I respect he has full on day. His hobbies like gym and shooting are a luxury. I have tried to explain to him that I do not mind him doing those hobbies but it would be appreciated if he could give me down time and take the baby. This afternoon he went shooting and I stayed at home with the fussy baby, got the food shop in and cooked dinner for him and his mum. Once his mum had left, I got the baby ready for bed and went in the bath. He came and took the baby and said don't be long as he wants to go to bed. It was 8.30pm. I internally lost my mind, as he has no time stipulations on shooting etc, but I can't even have an untimed bath. I've been having the same conversation for weeks, an argument irrupted. Where I pretty much said I want a divorce, which I regret. I just want more help! I feel like his life has not changed at all! Am I being unreasonable? To put into context, I work normally and still currently pay half the mortgage etc

OP posts:

BoogityBoogityFastestThingOnTwoFeet · 15/12/2023 22:44

Congratulations on your new baby!

If he’s not willing to help now, after you’ve had major surgery and your whole life turned upside down with the arrival of a new baby, then I can’t imagine him being any different further down the line tbh.

YANBU to want more help but he’s showing you he isn’t prepared to step up and change his life in any way.
Awful behaviour. So sorry.

Wondered26 · 16/12/2023 03:56

Your DH needs to step up and be there for you. It’s his child as well, it’s a 50/50 responsibility. You’re absolutely not in the wrong here! You need time to yourself to function and look after yourself and he should be finding time to give you that off his own back.

Original poster

Megan1591 · 16/12/2023 06:54

Thank you. Sometimes it's hard to think clearly through the hormones/postpartum. I slept in the spare room last night, he was very upset that I had said about divorce. I have messaged him this morning to apologise for saying about divorce, it's not what I want. It was said out of frustration. He said he expects me to grovel. Because I've said that which has hurt him, it has made him forget my oriniginal points that ultimately I need more support. Give me strength!

OP posts:

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Weenurse · 16/12/2023 07:01

I think listing free time in terms of his and yours will show the imbalance.
Given his response to your last talk, and the fact that you are pretty much single parenting, I would consider a permanent split.

Letterbix · 16/12/2023 07:05

He sounds very manipulative, OP. He has managed to make you feel bad, turned the whole argument on its head (and expects you to "grovel"?? WTF)

Honestly, he sounds awful and I don't think you were wrong with the divorce consideration. Sounds like you'll be parenting largely alone anyway 😞

Stand your ground. HE is the one in the wrong here.

Olika · 16/12/2023 07:10

It's freaking hard in the beginning and your husband doesn't seem to get it. And he is selfish. Tell him that if he is not able/willing to parent with you and share the workload then her can move out and be a single man to live his single life.

PurpleBugz · 16/12/2023 07:19

Grovel?!

Fuck that. Maybe you should go for the divorce. You had major surgery 6 weeks ago he's hardly helping. Hormones make things difficult. A sorry was all you needed to do it should have been a wake up to him how upset you are not reason to get upset back. Manipulative man.

And you "still pay half the mortgage" are you not married? Are financials fair in your house?

GFB · 16/12/2023 07:23

Congratulations on your new arrival!

As PP have said your husband is very selfish and it's disgusting that he has turned your desperation in suggesting a divorce at his lack of support around on you and expects you to grovel. WTF?!?

Do you have close family nearby you could go stay with for a few days to get some support and think things through.

Did he pull his weight in terms of housework before your baby? Is he expecting you to do it because you're on mat leave?

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 16/12/2023 07:34

The grovel remark is utterly disgusting and tells everything about what kind of man he is. Your first instinct was right, he's manipulative, selfish bastard and he won't change.

MaryMcI · 16/12/2023 07:41

Please do not grovel, but - if you want this marriage to work - stand your ground. He needs to step up and help you, not deflect from your perfectly reasonable points.

It is worth reflecting on the fact that this often happens with abusive people. They push you to your limit and when you snap, blame you.

You actually did not say anything unreasonable with the divorce comment, although it may have been said in frustration. It is a good question why, if you are doing everything and earn enough to finance your own life, you would stay with someone who is not supporting you recover and looking after your joint baby.

SonicAllanKey · 16/12/2023 07:42

You absolutely do not need to grovel. He needs to step up and parent with you. His life doesn’t get to just carry on as normal now he’s a father. He has to step up.

if he’s not going to do that then I don’t see a future for your relationship as the resentment will grow. Do you think he’s capable of understanding what’s needed and acting appropriately?

Original poster

Megan1591 · 16/12/2023 07:48

In regards to finances, we have always paid half each. I have explained with maternity pay not being very good, this may have to change for a while in the future.
Yes I have family nearby, I just feel like going to stay with them is a big step when actually I want you to resolve this. On the whole he is a good man but is very very selfish. We tried for years and had multiple miscarriages, finally with IVF resulting in our baby. We've finally got we have worked hard for 8 years. I just expected him to be more hands on and want to spend more time at home. I will apologise to him in person but I will not grovel. He had threatened me with divorce numerous times over the years and thus was the first time I've ever been pushed enough to say it. I've clearly outlined what I would like from him multiple times over the last few weeks. I want you to spend all my time with the baby, but a 30-45 min uninterrupted bath would just reset me for the next day. When I've said this, he said that it's rich as that day is been to my nieces play and been to sainsburys for breakfast with my sister, I had the baby with me the whole time. I popped to Asda the other evening to get the babies medication, when I got back he said you've done me up a kippa here, she won't settle. I was gone 30 mins and left him with an expressed bottle and a dummy.

OP posts:

MintJulia · 16/12/2023 07:54

Oh dear, that's almost word for word what my ex did. Except mine was tennis rather than shooting.

He's given you the baby you wanted, now get on with your wife duties and stop moaning ! And stop trying to change him or his life !!

His view , obviously.

I left after two years. When we moved to a temporary flat, ds didn't even notice his dad wasn't around any more.

You can try having a blunt conversation or you could employ lots of help. It might work. Maybe you can change his attitude.

GrumpyPanda · 16/12/2023 07:55

Why on earth are you cooking for his mother? Rather sounds like you've been an active participant in setting the bar so low for him. You're on maternity leave, not house elf leave.

everyredsock · 16/12/2023 07:59

'So far, you're proving yourself to be a hands off dad and an unsupported husband. I need a break. Either we split up, become single parents and my break is when it's your time to have the baby. Or you step up now, grow up and become a half decent father and partner.'

Topjoe19 · 16/12/2023 07:59

If he's this stupid & can't understand that gym/shooting etc is way down the list of priorities now then this is only going to go one way. Divorce him. I don't have any other advice because he's a misogynistic bloke & babies are women's work & nothing you say will change him. Good luck

ItsMyPartyParty · 16/12/2023 08:04

Honestly, he sounds like an absolute arsehole. You desperately wanted this baby, do you really desperately want him?

The trouble is, we can all give you advice on what you should be able to expect from him, and how to talk to him. But unless he really, genuinely wants to change, he won’t. You say he’s always been selfish, so why on earth would he change now when there’s even more responsibility to avoid?

Real partners share all aspects of paid work, house work, baby work. Their share of each may vary but it adds up to the same. The easy way to assess whether things are fair is to look at the allocation of free time - how much time do you each get when you are not earning money, doing housework or looking after the baby? He knows that looking after the baby isn’t easy, that’s why he won’t do it. He just doesn’t care about the impact on you.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 16/12/2023 08:09

Having read both your posts-I fucking would be seriously contemplating it.

PurpleBugz · 16/12/2023 08:23

OP I think you should keep an overnight bag packed in your car. Make sure all your important documents are in one place you can grasp easily. For him to be able to threaten you with divorce, but you have to grovel when you threaten it quite justly as he is being a terrible husband to me really does scream of coercive control. I think if you keep pushing for him to change, you may find snaps and you feel unsafe. I was pregnant when my abusive ex suddenly went from being very selfish to being violent. Pregnancy new born stage is a risky time for this stuff. Hopefully you never have to use your overnight bag hopefully you can have a mature conversation with him and he will realise what a selfish twat he is being but just in case you have to leave suddenly knowing you can is massive

Phineyj · 16/12/2023 08:23

So in the past, he has threatened to divorce you lots of times? Let me guess - every time you disagreed with him, asked for something or tried to tackle the selfishness?

This is not good.

Imagine what this will be like for your child growing up.

Go to your family. And think about why you were prepared to put up with this.

BoogityBoogityFastestThingOnTwoFeet · 16/12/2023 08:34

Your updates are even worse tbh.
If you are going to have to parent as a single parent anyway, you may as well do it without the manipulation and emotional abuse. It won’t be great your DS growing up having that to model his behaviour on.

Wednesday6 · 16/12/2023 08:39

First few months (years) are really tough! Really tough on any relationships! He needs to understand that he's not having his single life back. Parenthood transforms people and it transforms women much quicker than men. You need to have calm conversations with him and clearly outline a plan that both of you are comfortable with. Ideally of course ditch the gym or do it once a week. You will need once a week rest for yourself too. He needs to fit the baby into his routine like he does with the dogs. Can he bathe the baby, do grocery shopping and dinner? Spend an hour consistently before bedtime? Clean before bedtime? Anything he can do regularly/everyday and get used to new routine would be great! He doesn't understand at the moment how hard it is on you. He probably thinks you're napping and having a lovely time all day long. But in reality, you are undergoing a massive personal transformation, it's tough mentally, the worry, the constant assistance to the baby it relentless.. it's almost an impossible task for just one person! They say it takes a village! If you have friends/family around ask for help! Don't do it all alone! Good luck!

Gettingbysomehow · 16/12/2023 08:42

Megan1591 · 16/12/2023 06:54

He wants you to grovel. Tell this selfish shit to fuck off. He is not a husband or father. He is just a bloke who lives in your house expecting you to be a waitress. Stop doing anything for him.

Contemplates · 16/12/2023 08:44

I looked up the word grovel in case it has a new double meaning I wasn't aware of.

But no. It still means excessive servitude with obedience and attention.

He expects that?

He’s instantly crossed a line to look for it from any fellow human at all, but the woman he loves, the mother of his child, someone who has recently given birth and had surgery so is more vulnerable than normal, and who is asking for his help?

Wow. He's a special one isn't he.

Have you ever grovelled before, op? I'm concerned that he thinks your job is woman's work while he plays the joys of a carefree single life when he's actually meant to be a husband and father.

What is his mother doing allowing you to cook for her, with a newborn, and after surgery? People are supposed to cook for new mothers, not the other way around! You sound like your boundaries are pretty non-existent and you could do with building your confidence up a bit here. Or quite a lot actually. But one really big thing you've got going for you is that you're not comfortable with the current state of affairs. It would be much harder if you believed they were right and it's your place to pander and serve.

I think you'll both divorce by the way. You've both threatened it and so there's only one way to escalate a threat to divorce.

Unless he changes. But I don't think he's going to, and just be careful about how many years you want to give waiting to find out.

lovinglaughingliving · 16/12/2023 08:52

Hi OP,

Is there a cultural difference between you?
Is that why he expects you to grovel and behave like his slave. Cooking and shopping for him and his mum 🙄🙄 He should be worshipping you and your baby at this time and doing everything he can to help you and make you comfortable, you have had major surgery and have brought a new life into the world.
DO NOT BACK DOWN. Get your ducks in a row and get out, this is not a partnership.
In 25 yrs time, would you like to see your daughter treated like this?

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