To put 3.5 yo in full time pre school because I can’t cope?

[WallArt89]

I have a 3.5 year old and a 5 month old. My 3.5 yo has always been a difficult child. Highly strung, demanding, high maintenance, drama Queen and ‘just far too much’ have all been used by family and friends to describe him. However, I know this isn’t his fault. I know they come out as they do and you have to parent what you are given. I was just about swimming and doing okay when I worked 3 days per week and had him 2 days per week. I was calm, I was present, I mostly kept him in check.

Since he turned 3 and the baby came along a month later (who is the easiest, most forgiving little ray of sunshine) it’s all unraveled. He’s become even more difficult and his behaviour is out of control. I struggle to meet his basic needs and keep him and the baby safe. I still have him 2 days per week and from 3pm until bedtime the other 3 days of the week. I’ve become shouty, emotionally checked out, punish everything, down right horrible mum. He gives me no space to even breathe and I just don’t have the band width to do better.

I’m wondering if it would genuinely be better for him to go to preschool 5 days per week? Our free hours would cover it, but I really thought it would be better for him to have some time with me. He screams and cries at every pre school drop off, but I’m told has a good time when he is there. I’m doing so badly at the moment i genuinely think they’d do a better job than me.

Im aware I’m useless but I would really appreciate kindness.

I wouldn't, no. He's still very little, and next year he will be in school full time. He's had a major upheaval with the new baby in his life, and putting him in school and taking his time with you away will likely make him feel even more pushed out. They need so much extra attention and 1:1 time after a new sibling arrives to reassure them they're still loved. For 2 days a week I would personally try and work out a set routine, activities you can do together. Have special time when the baby sleeps, or put the baby in a sling and go somewhere your eldest would really enjoy. It goes so, so fast.

You are totally not useless. My baby is due soon and I fully intend to keep my 3 year old son at preschool 5 days a week. Think it will be best for everyone. If you feel five days might work well for you as as family go for it he will still have a decent amount of time with you each day.

I literally do all that already. Today we went on a train (his favourite thing) to the next town along to go to a toddler group he likes. We then came home and had his favourite lunch and I played with him while baby slept. Despite this, I was still regularly screamed at, hit, pushed and my house was destroyed during the time I had to tend to the baby.

His cup is literally bottomless. He’s the sort of child that takes and takes and it’s never enough.

edited to add this was in response to @QueenofTerrasen

This sounds really tough, I’m sorry! I think putting him in pre-school for 5 days might backfire though…could it be that he’s worried about losing your attention now that you have a baby and that’s why he’s become more difficult? If that’s the case then him doing extra days at preschool will confirm his fears of not being important to you anymore. Only you know what’s best for him and you, but if you can hang in there a little longer, maybe he can get used to sharing you with the baby and you can reassure him that he’s not being replaced, and things will settle down.

If the alternative is being at home where he is being shouted at and told of constantly then yes, preschool would probably be better.

I can’t blame you for being exhausted. Having a difficult toddler and a small baby must be exhausting.

Preschool is good fun. He’ll enjoy it. And you’ll have a break and will be a better parent as a result.

I suspect that the behaviour is because he feels he doesn't have enough time with you as it is so not sure it would help.

It's hard, if you feel overall it would work better for you as a family then go for it. Perhaps increase the amount of 1:1 time in the evening though if you have a partner to have the baby.

Behaviour is communication. Sending him away because you’ve got a better kid now isn’t a message I’d want to be sending if I was you

What do you mean screamed at? What is he doing to destroy the house? What about hitting you? What is happening at these times?

It all sounds like toddler behaviour where he is trying to express what he wants and get his own way. It also sounds like he wants your attention.

I’m doing so badly at the moment i genuinely think they’d do a better job than me.

Trust your gut.

Having a breakdown will not lead to good parenting.

He doesn’t talk in a normal voice, ever. He either shouts or whines and cries. I try so hard to engage with him and talk to him, hours and hours when baby is asleep. His language his excellent, but despite this I can’t get through to him. We have never, ever really found a way to connect with him, long before baby was born. He hates being touched, he hates verbal affection, he pushes me and his dad away but demands we are there.

When I feed baby or change him he picks up the nearest object and throws. He pulled the Xmas tree over today. He tried to climb over the banister on the stairs. It’s a safety issue.

As you said his behaviour was pretty similar pre new baby it's probably not the introduction of a sibling that's affecting him although I'm no behavioralist. I would do as you think best at the moment. It sounds like you both need a break for whatever reason.
Neither of you are benefitting from his present time at home.

How is his behaviour at preschool? Have they mentioned SEN?

It’s not his fault mum is up through the night, busy with the baby and gets no breaks.

Can DH step up and give more one to one attention.
I think sometimes it’s harder when the older child is old enough to feel angry at the new baby.

I'm guessing he's jealous of the baby and that will just make it worse. If anything you probably need more 1:1 time

If it’s going to lead to you being more present and able to manage his behaviour then I would go for it.

Neither you, him or you relationship with him are being served well with the current situation.

Why On Earth wouldn't you?

Ds was 3 and absolute dynamite when DD was born, I didn't think twice about keeping him in daycare

It sounds to me like you need a break.

So take it.

Send him to pre school. You can always take him out again.

The right way and wrong way are broad sweeps.

Ultimate, the mental health of the mother is very important, as is the ability to rest.

Like most of us, you will muddle throrugh.

I don't think there's anything wrong with full time pre- school for a three year old .. my DS was at full time nursery school/preschool from 2 and a half and I was a SAHM with no other DC ... he absolutely loved it.
But there's clearly an issue at home ... jealousy over the new baby?

He went to a different nursery until 2.5. They said his behaviour was challenging and would need monitoring. His current pre school haven’t mentioned anything other than he struggles with friendships sometimes because he overwhelms other children and sometimes he struggles to not speak when asked. They haven’t specifically mentioned SEN.

All the ops fault. That is a bit heavy handed don't you think?

After all , there are so many elements that go into creating a cohesive unit.

I would 100% put him in preschool 5 days a week. Don’t feel guilty

Honestly if you can't see any other way then you'll have to do it. But if his behaviour has been worse since the new baby arrived then I think sending him away 5 days a week will probably make him feel worse and lash out more while he's home.

WallArt89 if you feel your DS is harder work than most other toddlers, it's probably because your DS genuinely is harder work than most toddlers.

I got absolutely roasted on here once when I tried to describe what I was finding so tough about mothering my DS. Everyone said 'but that's just normal toddler stuff" or told me what they thought he needed. I couldn't find the words to describe exactly how headstrong he was, or how little he cared about anything I said or did. And how yes, it really was more intense, more relentless than most.

Now I've had another DC I can confidently say no, not all toddlers are like that!

But also, when he got diagnosed ASD at 10, looking back it all makes more sense now.

DS is now 15, and flourishing. He's still headstrong and forging his own path, that hasn't changed, but also academic and very bright.

He got much easier as he got older. The breakthrough was about 4ish, when he developed enough language to be able to talk about ideas and stories, suddenly we became interesting to him after all.

With your DS, if you need a break be sure it all feels too much, then please don't doubt yourself or let people guilt trip you into not doing it.

Going to nursery isn't a prison sentence! You can always change your mind. You could have him go full time while the baby is little then maybe even move to 4 days, or even back to 3 when the baby is bigger and you're on top of things. Or he could have the odd day off Or not, whatever suits.

Remember, like everything to do with raising children, this is just a phase, and will pass soon enough. Hang in there! And don't let people make you feel bad for doing what you need to do, to get through.

Do not feel guilty about wanting some breathing space. It’s sounds incredibly tough for you at the moment.
I would ask to speak to preschool and see if they have the capacity to take DS full time. Explain the reasons why and ask them for their thoughts on his behaviour - do they have any concerns, does he behave the same at preschool, what works for them etc?
Your funding will only cover you for 38 weeks a year so you’ll have your DS home in the holidays and you will be more able to cope when you’ve had a break and the baby is older.

I would but also I think you need to get him assessed for Autism.

Given his history before the baby it seems something isn't right.

I had lots of moms tell my my ds's behavior was normal when I was falling apart. He was adopted and I knew he had trauma but even some adopted parents said all toddlers do that.

They don't. My son has PTSD and ADHD. Life got harder and harder. I wish I'd listened to my gut and not others. They minimized my experience and despite being a nanny for years I did too.

At 12 ds is still home with me most of the time as he struggles in school. I'm exhausted. If your ds is ok at preschool and being away from you take the break.

But again please get him assessed. That isn't normal behavior and it's important to ask for help.

Big hugs 💝 xx