To put 3.5 yo in full time pre school because I can’t cope?

[WallArt89]

I have a 3.5 year old and a 5 month old. My 3.5 yo has always been a difficult child. Highly strung, demanding, high maintenance, drama Queen and ‘just far too much’ have all been used by family and friends to describe him. However, I know this isn’t his fault. I know they come out as they do and you have to parent what you are given. I was just about swimming and doing okay when I worked 3 days per week and had him 2 days per week. I was calm, I was present, I mostly kept him in check.

Since he turned 3 and the baby came along a month later (who is the easiest, most forgiving little ray of sunshine) it’s all unraveled. He’s become even more difficult and his behaviour is out of control. I struggle to meet his basic needs and keep him and the baby safe. I still have him 2 days per week and from 3pm until bedtime the other 3 days of the week. I’ve become shouty, emotionally checked out, punish everything, down right horrible mum. He gives me no space to even breathe and I just don’t have the band width to do better.

I’m wondering if it would genuinely be better for him to go to preschool 5 days per week? Our free hours would cover it, but I really thought it would be better for him to have some time with me. He screams and cries at every pre school drop off, but I’m told has a good time when he is there. I’m doing so badly at the moment i genuinely think they’d do a better job than me.

Im aware I’m useless but I would really appreciate kindness.

Thank you all.

Between my husband and I, we feel he does tick all the boxes for ADHD. We thought everyone would just say we weren’t strict enough and that it’s our fault though - our families say that enough about his behaviour. He is a bottomless pit of energy, he just wants and needs more and more stimulation and attention otherwise he is wild and destructive. No activity holds his attention for more than a few minutes - it still often feels like parenting an 18 month old. I’m that parent who is literally out all the time to keep our possessions safe. He never, ever stops talking and will just scream and shout if he thinks he is being ignored. He literally couldn’t fall asleep in the buggy or the car as a baby or younger toddler because he couldn’t switch off. Ironically, he finds me telling him off or shouting at him hilarious and it just makes the behaviour worse. He has absolutely no desire to please us. He’s been that way since long before the baby was born.

He adores the baby which is the sad thing. The baby is about the only thing he is gentle with.

That does sound like there maybbe something ADHD/ASD like going on that would be worth exploring. He sounds a lot like my niece at a similar age.

Some children are a lot harder OP. There is no shame in needing a break from that.

No real advice but hugs and some understanding. I have a "spirited" DD nearly three and an unbelievably chilled DS who is 9 months old. We had issues oh dear god did we have struggles, DD in nursery 2 days a week. But, we hit 7/8 months old and something (not a clue what) changed. DD still shows some jealousy and rather sassy behaviour with DS but it's different, it's better. Hang on in there xx

I would absolutely send him. You can't keep everyone safe at the moment, so something has to give.
He may grow out of it, he may rest more if he's knackered from preschool, who knows. But you need to get through the coming weeks and months, so do it without a second thought.

Send him to preschool. It's not a gulag. It'll buy you a bit of time to regroup and give structure to each day which might help. I'm a big believer that kids need and want routine and having a new baby obviously knocks out most household routines.