We are so on our own with our kids - feeling very overwhelmed !

[tortoiseSHELL]

Reading threads on here makes me realise how much our children (ds1,6,dd,4,ds2,1) miss out on their grandparents. My parents live 300 miles away, dh's 130. Dh's mum hasn't been here for 6 years, my parents haven't been in a year. We went to my parents at Christmas, but we can't visit either sets now, as they are all nervous of 'germs'. And with 3 small children they always have some sniffle. My parents are still in their 50s, we should be able to enjoy the children having young grandparents!

I just feel so on my own, with dh. We have no-one to help with any childcare stuff - some amazing friends who help us when we need help (but I always hate imposing on people with 3 little ones) - having a grandparent locally would make so much difference. But also, we have no-one to 'share' the children with - they can't enjoy the children, or chat to them, or hear them playing the piano, or see them doing their gym. It makes me so sad. .

Aw tortie

My Ils live 400 miles away, they last saw the boys in August last year when DP took them (I was working). FIL is frail and cannot travel so v hard to find time/energy to trawl up there more often.

My mum lives nearby, but I do feel that my boys miss out on their 'other' family IYSWIM

Oh goodness that is sad. We live miles from my parents and MIL and FIL is over seas but we see each other during every school holiday and my dad and mum speak to the girls every week.
We also get help with childcare occasionally despite the distance. DMIL came up for a weekend last year so she could babysit for us.
The only useless one is FIL but we don't miss him even though it annoys me.....
Have you brothers or sisters???

Ruby, so sorry for your losses

Sorry to hear that Ruby. They do miss out on a generation don't they. Dh's dad died before the children were born, and I do feel they miss out.

Vanilla - I've got a brother, who lives in the same town, but tbh I don't see him very much - he is a bit of a 'loner' and although I do invite him over, he won't come, and I can't go to his, because he lives in a student hall of residence, so can't really turn up with the children.

Just feeling self-indulgent - I don't know when we'll be 'allowed' to see any of our parents, and it makes me sad.

Why won't your brother come over?

He is just like that - he likes to feel independent, and doesn't like to feel 'part of the family'.

That's a real shame, but probably not uncommon.

I don't really understand why the g'parents are so nervous of germs? It sounds a little bizarre. Do they miss you and the children? Do you Skype?

I'm trying to be supportive but I'm sounding really cold - not intentional!

My parents are moving to France in July, I am incredibly childish bitter about this. I feel your pain

Yep, know exactly what you mean. It's hard isn't it?

But then I read certain threads about extended family and think , maybe we're not so badly off after all

There is an adopt a granny scheme that I heard of some time ago, makes sense to me there are many lonely elderly people out there who would love the chance to be invovled with a family. Then there are lots of families like yours who would like the same sort of invovlment.

I am lucky in that my parents live a copile of miles down the road, my mum has a disability so can't be as invovled as she would like but does enjoy spending time with my DC's.

DH's parents are both dead so have never known our children

Tortoiseshell, yours and other posts on this thread make me realise how lucky we are to have my ancient, crocked, but still game parents. They are no longer up to babysitting in the evenings, but as you say, the interest, the enjoyment, the pleasure in their company...
Your parents have no idea what they are missing, I'm so sorry.
We have an inkling of how wounding this is, as dh's mother lives very close by but has no real interest in the dcs other than as trophy grandchildren (photos on sideboard - but only one, we mustn't be vulgar) to occasionally show off to the other self-absorbed widows she hangs out with . I think she rather admires her best friend, who has alienated her own daughter and family, and revels in her glorious isolation.

tortise we're in a similar situation to yourselves, dh's family live in ireland (we're northeast scotland) and they managed over one weekend last year - their time off was spent going on holidays and helping with sil kids who are 15,12 &7. have asked her over for christmas etc but she's states that she won't leave sil and kids ,fair enough but we can't go as we work opposite shifts to do childcare and our time off is used up when we have shifts that are not compatible at all

my lot are only 100miles away but have made sure we know time and time again that they feel it is too much of a journey for one day, even though I do it with the kids in tow all the time. My mum has now had various cancers for the past 5yrs and her latest chemo hasn't worked. am trying to go down once a fortnight but am getting more heavily pregnant, dh's shifts are about to change again so he can't drive me and i've just taken a huge pay cut so won't have the cash for petrol

my girls adore them all and its heartbreaking that they don't see them. am not sure if pil will make more of an effort when they retire but have told dh that a lot more effort has to come from them from now on. my aunt has been fantastic and my girls are very lucky to have her and a very good friend of mine who also adores them - I feel they get most of what they need 'grandparent' wise from my friend and my aunt but its heartbreaking when dd asks mhy nanny or granny don't visit us

I was gonna suggest Skype too, but someone got there first. Is great! But the 'germs' thing bothered me, chucked in by you as if this were a normal response on their part. WTF?! They need to get over that. Or get help with it. A very odd response from a grandparent...

And oops wading in there: should also say, sorry to hear you're overwhelmed... Maybe you need a bit of help with stuff too, or just a bit of a break? I still think the paid teenager can be a lifeline here and there, if you know any? Just to play with kids for an hour, babysit or do a bit of ironing... Do you know any?

agree with monkeybird, my mother not phased by germs even though her immune system is completely shot so she should be - its us who worry about the snottery noses

skype is fine, we use it too

Mine live around the corner and have little or no time to spare us. they pop in for no longer than 10mins every thursday and think that's enough. Mum looked after them for a week whilst dh and I went away last month. This was the first time she has ever really helped me in any way. Being close in distance isn't an automatic close in relationship.

oldwoman thats so sad

it would in our case though as my mum can't do enough for nephew and mil falls overherself to help sil

we're just expected to get on with it with minimal input or concern

heyho - none as strange as family

we were in a very similar situation. My father died before DS1 was born adn the only time DH's family had seen him was when we visited them (they are farmers) and we lived 400 miles from our families.

When I found out I was pregnant with DS2 (15 month gap between the boys) we made the really difficult decision to relocate back to N Yorkshire.

We had been away for 12 years, had new friends, new careers etc.

It was hard and still is sometimes, but the boys love their grandpartents unconditionally.

They only see them with us though and we not have a hugh support system (they have their lives and we did not expect it to change), but the love them so much. It has been worth it.

Thank you for your replies - writing this thread has made me realise how much it actually does upset me. I will look into Skype, Califrau, it does sound a good idea.

It makes me so sad that none of them have seen ds2 walking, or heard dd reading, or ds1 playing hands together on the piano...

marina, that sounds horrible of your dh's mother - must be worse if they live close, as it is more like a kick in the teeth.

Monkeybird - the feeling overwhelmed is to do with never having any help at all - babysitters are few and far between. Dh and I have had one evening out since ds2 was born in May 2006. We tend to use any babysitters up on work things, as I am a musician, so work unsociable hours.

The germs thing is all part of a bigger anxiety on all of their parts - the problem is that you never know what a child is about to go down with, so it increases anxiety.

I grew up with my granma a mile down the road, and we saw her 2 or 3 times a week - it is such a different relationship, and it did have its problems - she was a very feisty strong character, and we did clash often. But she was also really amazing, and took me to America when I was 18 (and she was 80), took me and my cousins away to the Channel Islands when I was 3, regularly looked after us. And I regret so much the fact that my children just don't have that relationship.

Sorry, I'm being so self-indulgent, and I am painfully aware that there are people on this board who are without their dh, for whatever reason, which is another magnitude of lonesomeness, and not comparable. Sorry I haven't replied to everyone who has so kindly replied on this thread, I do appreciate all your replies. x

I think I'm probably one of the lucky ones. My family do live in Sweden but we get to spend the summer and Xmas holidays there and we are very close. MIL lives about 4 hours train journey from here, is in her 80's and disabled with spinal cancer (and my dd with a painful joint condition), so we don't get to see each other as often as we'd like, but we do keep in touch.
Obviously, we can call on anyone for babysitting, but then again we don't have the pain of family members not wanting to see each other, as you see in so many MN threads.
It is difficult sometimes, particularly with all dd's hospital appointments, but friends are kind, and I know that in a real emergency somebody from my family would come over.