Advice about 9 year old daughter please

[lou2023123]

Hi
I have a 9 year old daughter that i need advice/reassurance please. She’s my only daughter and looking for others for advice.

She seems to be worrying about friendships at school, the girls in her year are always arguing and having disputes. (Telling her to go away, you are a looser, we don’t like you)
She has one close friend but when the group plays together the badness happens. Something happens everyday and she comes home all quiet, fed up and deflated.

Out of school she has a few clubs/interests thats she loves and is very confident.
I have spoken with the head teacher who is “keeping an eye” but it’s still happening. He said she may have mild neurodivergence and could get tested but may not be worth it as it’s just a bit of paper.
Im worrying as all the negativity is having an impact on her and maybe thats why she is feeling down and is now finding it hard to “play” with the others? I don’t know which path to take? I don’t think she has what the head teacher says i think her confidence at school has been knocked. Thanks in advance

He said she may have mild neurodivergence and could get tested but may not be worth it as it’s just a bit of paper

Its not ‘just a bit of paper’ it may prevent school refusal in secondary if the right support is in place. ND girls trend to crash out of secondary as they can’t mask any longer.

I absolutely agree with @ArseInTheCoOpWindow.

How does she present in other ways? Tantrums? Anxiety?

Agree, it’s not just a piece of paper, but either way it sounds like your dd is being bullied and the school are looking for an excuse not to deal with it. Get and assessment independently, then take it from there.

my dd told me the girls in her class are always falling out during playtime. So age group might be a factor too, but those are hurtful comments. I hope the school do better.

Is she in year 5? In my experience ( primary teaching) girls in year 5 can start to be really nasty to each other, forming cliques, picking on others for silly irrelevant things, falling out one day friends again the next. I think it might be hormonal as the start of puberty kicks in. Round about year 10 they start to be more reasonable again! It might just be this going on. Not nice, but not necessarily that your daughter is neurodivergent.

I have spoken with the head teacher who is “keeping an eye” but it’s still happening. He said she may have mild neurodivergence and could get tested but may not be worth it as it’s just a bit of paper.

He sounds like a fucking idiot and I would report him to the LA for such flippant remarks about disabilities.

What do you mean it’s just a bit of paper?

Its what you do with the information on the paper that will help her for the rest of her life.

If the head teacher thinks your child maybe neurodivergent the school should be seeking an assessment for them now , possibly they just can’t be bothered as it will use financial resources potentially! As your child moves to secondary school this could be more of an issue so they need support in place x

Yr 5 does seem to be a hot bed of emerging social issues, from what I've seen with my 9yo and the other kids in her class, they are transitioning away from the 'friends with everyone' model to smaller group friendships. They are learning how to have more serious conversations, how to navigate disputes and disagreements, how to assert themselves but as they are still learning, they're not very good at it. So someone is always being too assertive, or too meek, or too easily offended...... Add in burgeoning hormone levels and they are a moody little bunch of people who swing between happy with each other and hating each other every few days.

I know it’s not a piece of paper they were his words. I’m not very happy with his response. Like others have said maybe its a social thing in year 5? Do u think i should push to get tested? If so do u know what support is available?x

I actually wouldn't be running for an assessment unless you have seen other traits/behaviours/struggles -

Are there any other issues?

Anxiety? Meltdowns? Noise issues? Getting overwhelmed?

Year 5 teacher here and the girl drama is another level! This is a generalisation though and not specific to your daughter. Lots of friendships change this year.
If the school are supportive of a diagnosis then it will probably be a positive thing.

Thank you to everyone who has commented and for your advice. Yes it’s definitely been an explosive start to year 5! A quieter girl in the group has turned and been picking on my daughter.
I think i will ask the school for my daughter to be assessed and for any ongoing support (not sure what is available?)

She does get anxious if she has seen other people get upset other than that no, she does seem to take things to heart and dwell on the issue, i try and find the positives of the day and what she has been doing, she is very forgetful, like ill ask her to get dressed then she gets sidetracked by something else…

A referral will be rejected based on your OP. There would need to be more indicators.

Forgetful and sidetracked would maybe suggest adhd.

My son is neuro diverse and a loner. Just like me. I was always inviting lots of his classmates to our house even though they usually ended up playing with his younger brother! Getting a diagnosis in year 5 definitely helped as I could explain to my son he is not thick/bad, just different and there are lots of children like him. Also, neuro diverse people have strong points, otherwise how did they survive through evolution? My son began to struggle academically and socially in secondary school. However we knew it might happen and didn't get caught out badly. My son got counselling in year 8. And in year 9 he was granted extra time for the exams. He is doing really well now. I would go for the formal assessment, this was you will be able to put support in place

This way you will be able to put support in place if your daughter is assessed as neuro diverse

Yes i will ask for a referral just in case, thank you for replying, glad your son is doing well x

My daughter is the same age and joined half way through year 3, the boys were welcoming but it took nearly 6 months to form friendships and they’re so catty at this age, there’s always so much drama amongst the girls.

Being realistic (and as a PP has said) a referral for assessment would not be granted unless significant issues in Social / Communication / Sensory areas as well as anxiety. Also, waiting times in most areas of the UK are between two and four years. It's also difficult to get meaningful support since the Pandemic as schools are overwhelmed.

Not meaning to be negative, as I say, just the current, realistic situation.

Ive got an eight year old daughter who I am starting to suspect may have adhd. She is happy and calm, very creative, but cannot concentrate (really cannot follow a series of instructions in any way) or be on time - which is causing more and more issues now she’s getting older. I actually spoke to the doctor about her this morning and we’ve had a referral to an nhs centre to have an assessment. It has an 18 month waiting list - so if you have concerns about anything to do with neurodiversity I’d recommend reaching out now. Maybe it’s going to resolve itself while you are on the waiting list but if it doesn’t, then you’ve got the ball rolling. That’s what I’m telling myself anyway! I’ve been speaking to the senco since reception and my daughter has her own ILP, but honestly I think a diagnosis would be very helpful now she’s getting older for all sorts of things. Even for me, if I knew there was a medical reason she was unable to follow simple instructions and had a plan in place to help her, I’d be more patient I think. Best of luck

I have 3 daughters, Year 5 and Year 9
were both the most horrific years for friendship issues.

The more they can disengage and continue with a wide range of different friends the better.

So your child has indicated she is being bullied…but school are saying she needs to get tested for neurodivergence? TBH I think the school are trying to brush the problem under the carpet and don’t want to deal with bullying going on under their nose. SMH.