Teenage Daughter with bad attitude

[Str3bor]

I know everyone says its normal and that their hormones are all over the place but I just don't know how to deal with my 14 year old DD's bad attitude.

She is just rude to everyone in the house, has lost all her manners, shouts at everyone who dares speak to her shouting shut up really loudly to them.

She hates school which I get is normal but she demands that I pick her up every day, once a week she has to get public transport home from school which takes her an hour but she will text me non stop all day about it so I usually mute her. On the days I take her and pick her up I don't get a single thanks from her. Ask her how her day was she just grunts and then puts in her air pods and wont talk.

She has to do work experience towards the end of the year and point blank says she's not doing it, I despair with her.

She makes plans most weekends to see her friends but expects me to drop her off and pick her up which is fine as her friends don't live on a direct public transport route but she doesn't ask me, she makes plans and then tells me and has a cob on if I cant drop her off at the times she has planned.

How do I deal with her? I love her but I really dislike her right now, I cant even bare to be around her, her constant scowl just drives me mad.

I'm worried that she wont change and this is not a phase, she used to be such a lovely child who did as she was told, now its like watching kevin and perry!

What are the consequences for her rudeness?

Consequences and boundaries. Yes she is a teenager but there is no excuse for her demands. Rudeness to that extent should have consequences.

none at the moment, I have just usually told her that's not how you speak to people but she is getting worse so something needs to be done.

I think if she wants me to do things for her she needs to learn to have more respect.

In the past I have threatened to take away her phone and she will just argue back and say you wont, utter disrespect and it cant carry on

WiFi get turned off, phone and screens confiscated. Stop doing her washing/providing lifts etc until her behaviour improves. Stop providing access to her social life until she can interact politely with you.
Don't just threaten it, you have to follow through and do it even though it will result in tantrums etc at first.

Exactly what Twisty says, we teach people how to treat us. You are not her friend you are her parent, how dare she demand lifts, sod that. She can get the bus for a few weeks so she understands the luxury of the lift if you decide to start them again. That is dependent on her behaviour, tell her that.

As for her phone, just cancel the contract, you don't need to physically remove it. I am sure there are ones you can block usage on. Google your router and see if you can turn off individual devices on the wifi, ours is a bought router ie not one from the provider and we can do this, not that we ever have because any of that behaviour and I shut it down fast.

Stop taking this shit from her. Her shouting is a "tall tantrum" ie what a toddler would do to get their own way just taller because she is taller. Tell her that. What adult has she seen do this? Probably the ones who were never told no from a parent. Don't parent out of fear, fear that she will hate you, fear that she won't talk to you. Tell her no lifts because you love her too much to let her carry on this behaviour toward you and I am assuming her younger siblings. If she shouted in her friends' faces she wouldn't have friends very much longer, giving her a lift when there is a bus is a favour, you don't do favours for people who treat you like shit.

Start following through on the promises otherwise this will only get worse.

I'm sorry op, but you allowing her to treat you this way with zero consequences has created a monster. You have got to take control back, because currently, she's running roughshod all over you. If my kids had ever spoken to me the way your daughter does to you, they wouldn't have gotten a single favour or privilege from me, and they knew it. This madness has got to stop.

I agree with everyone here, you’re letting her get away with it. She probably wants some boundaries from you and her misbehaviour is the screaming out for it. Can you spend quality bonding time with her too? Go for a nice coffee or meal together just you two.

Come on now! You know you’re allowing her to talk and treat you like shit because there are no consequences. She wouldn’t get a single lift from me whilst talking to me like that and she could forget meeting up with friends. Only when she asks you nicely and treats you with respect should you be bending over backwards for her.

You say you think she needs to learn to have more respect, yet you've taught her by your actions the exact opposite, she can demand, she can shout, she can treat people terribly, she can run roughshod over you and yet she has no consequence, she get what she wants, she makes plans and tells you what to do, she tells you what she is doing, she tells you what YOU are doing in servitude to her. You've taught her nothing that you think you've taught her; you've taught her that how she acts gets what she wants.

Your next few weeks/months are going to be hell, because you've got to put in place boundaries that should have been in place for years, and you're going to have major kickback from her and from others in the household. Immediately I'd be giving no lifts, she would have to make her own way everywhere. I'd boot her off the WiFi, cancel the phone contract, and more importantly I'd not engage or communicate with her when she shouts, screams etc. - absolutely do not engage, do not respond to shouting, to screaming, to violence (likely to escalate when you try and set boundaries). And don't give in mid screaming fit, because if you do, the monster you've created only knows to scream and shout, all you'll teach her is that she has to do it for longer.

She demands you pick her up? That stops now. Don't pick her up any more. She thinks you won't take her phone away? Do it. Tonight. She's walking all over you and you are enabling her behaviour.

I have a slightly different perspective on this. I'm not sure fighting fire with fire is the way to go.

For context, my mother used to talk like this about me - she spent years telling me she loved me because I was her daughter but didn't like me as a person. It has taken me a long time to get over it (if I even have). She was talking about a teenager who was seriously struggling and didn't have the skills or relationship with her parent to speak up and get help and support. I felt extremely alone because she followed the approach a lot of these people are recommending and just punished me.
I'm wondering why your daughter is behaving this way. Is she actually very anxious about these things but hiding it/trying to push through? There are a few signs there - already worked up about the work experience, struggling with the challenge of taking the bus.
I'm not at all saying that being aggressive is ok, but I'm wondering whether it is worth just taking a moment to understand more about what is driving her anger.
I personally think life is extremely complicated for teenagers these days, and maybe even particularly complicated for girls. I have no idea how I'd navigate it and maybe she's having issues too.

putting boundaries and consequences into place isn’t fighting fire with fire. How do you plan to deal with this OP? You need to take action for her own good although she won’t see it that way right now.

I think if she wants me to do things for her she needs to learn to have more respect.

Right, but it's down to you to teach her to respect others. I'm not a fan of the punishment method for things like this, I would be looking at why she is like this and trying to resolve and help (yes she does need help with it) her.

I have a slightly different perspective on this. I'm not sure fighting fire with fire is the way to go.
For context, my mother used to talk like this about me - she spent years telling me she loved me because I was her daughter but didn't like me as a person.

I don’t think anyone has suggested she should tell her daughter this. Of course she shouldn’t because it’s damaging! Putting in consequences for her behaviour and not giving in to rude demands is not fighting fire with fire.

My parents were incredibly supportive and got my sister and I through some periods of extreme anxiety and depression. At no point would we have been allowed to treat them like shit though.

I could have written your post word for word OP. My DD used to be worse, things are getting better, though we still have bad days and times where I feel completely at a loss.

I have focused on priorities. I tell DD that if she won't respect and work towards my priorities (us all getting out of the house on time in the morning with no arguments, her room staying relatively clean etc.) then I won't facilitate her priorities (lifts to friends houses, extra money for events etc) and for the most part that seems to work.

She made a big fuss about being old enough to not have a bedtime, so I let her manage it herself. She did well for about 3 months and then started to slip so I am back to enforcing bedtimes and she is working towards getting back the privilege of managing it herself.

I ignore her attitude to a point in the mornings as long as she is doing what needs to be done to get out to school, because I know mornings are difficult for her, and I remember how difficult I found them at that age. But the rest of the time, there is zero tolerance to rudeness or bad attitude, if she tries it her phone gets taken off her (it's literally the only thing she cares about).

I agree with PP that your DD is in need of boundaries and although it's hard to do, you need to try to not worry about her liking you and just be her parent. But I also agree with thinkingaloud123. There may be underlying reasons and worries going on and it's important to set the boundaries when she is calm, and then follow through when she is kicking off. Adding a consequence in the heat of the moment, in my experience, doesn't carry as much weight as it appears. There is much more impact from a conversation had when everyone is calm.

But aside from all that, it is really bloody hard, so take care of yourself. Do you have someone you can vent to? Do vent about it. My DD can be absolutely hateful at times. I choose to believe she won't always be like this and that is what gets me through.

You need to have a serious chat with her OP - don't start by taking away her phone though - that's like chopping the limbs off a teenager & she no doubt has all her music on there & does some of her homework using her phone too. I'd save that punishment as a very last resort & start by saying no more lifts & no meeting friends at weekends until her attitude improves. If you're giving her an allowance then you could stop that for a few weeks too. I personally wouldn't dish out 5 punishments all at once or she'll just feel totally backed into a corner. I have friends who will take away their kids phones all the time for the tiniest of reasons - phones are a lifeline to troubled teenagers & without them they can't even message their friends to moan at how mean their parents are being. I bet none of us could last for long without our phones, I use mine for lots of different things! I know of parents who will confiscate phones for 2 weeks. Honestly it's madness.

This was in the comments section & is exactly what I'm talking about. Just over-the-top lazy parenting imo!

Hi @BeingATwatItsABingThing,
I was referring to the OP's comment "I love her but I really dislike her right now, I cant even bare to be around her". If that's what is being written then I think that message may well being sent irl, even if not explicitly. And that's not good.
For me, fighting fire with fire is saying - right, you were rude, so I'm taking everything away...without trying to understand what's going on or teach/coach. I don't think kids should learn that rudeness works - they have to be taught how to function in the world. But I also don't think they should learn that when they make mistakes they can't trust their parents to have empathy. Life is already hard enough.

Well I'm not surprised it's been escalating if she's has absolutely no consequences. That needs to change immediately.

Consequences. You need to set some rules and stick to them. Then don't blink first.

My teen ds started the 'can't be bothered to talk to you, but I'll be rude if I don't get my way' nonsense. I'd collect him off the school bus, and ask him what he had for lunch (so I didn't give him the same for supper). He'd either ignore me or be rude to me.

So I stopped the car. In the middle of nowhere, and sat there. He had the choice of sitting there for hours on end in the cold or NOT being rude to me, and civilly saying 'we had fish & chips for lunch". I'd have sat there all night if need be.

Anyway, he now knows I won't take that crap. I will drive him, and I will cook for him, but in return I expect him to answer me calmly & politely.

The same with bed time. 11pm on week nights is reasonable especially if he has an exam next day. After that time, the router is OFF. If necessary I take it to bed with me.

Outside of those two things I don't hassle him. I respect his freedom to revise or play computer games or do whatever. I cook food he likes, help him whenever he asks. Sort out clothes and sports kit. Provide whatever he needs.

But those are my two red lines and he knows pushing it won't get him anywhere. We have reached an accord. 🤗

But I also don't think they should learn that when they make mistakes they can't trust their parents to have empathy.

Having empathy is a must but that’s not instead of boundaries. The real world doesn’t offer empathy to rudeness. Teens who aren’t called out on this as teens grow up to be rude and entitled adults who don’t give a shit about others. I work with many of these adults to try and teach them how to communicate. They’ve been convicted of abusive behaviours and a lot of them learnt it in childhood.

I am all for understanding the underlying reasons behind their frustrations and emotions but, for a lot of teens, it’s just hormones and pushing the boundaries. I thought I knew it all at that age and my parents were just spoiling my fun. They were just so out of touch! Nope. In reality, they were trying to make sure I grew up to be a decent person who was respectful and didn’t endlessly make impulsive decisions. It mostly worked and I have a good job, a lovely DH and 2 wonderful DDs with a DS due in April.

When my son was like this (around 14-15) I turned off his 4g. He could still use sms and phone. On one occasion I also locked the wifi router in the drinks cabinet and went out (taking the key with me).

I did always make sure he got to and from school and sports activities etc but if he he was too casual about lifts to see mates, he might suddenly find I had ‘other plans’ that didn’t include being his personal taxi.

He’s 17 now, still gets a strop on now and then, but usually apologises later. I haven’t found a solution to the headphones but recently he told me he often listens to rain sounds as white noise to soothe himself. Kinda makes sense if you’re sensitive I guess, and at least he’s not reacting to ‘triggers’. If I want his attention I text him (cue sounds of movement from upstairs …)

She will grow out of it, but you don’t have to be a complete push over. She needs to learn you have needs as well.

If my child demanded a lift I would laugh and laugh while sat on the sofa watching telly. On the other hand, if they ask me nicely if I can take them, 9 times out of 10 I can accommodate them, and do so gladly. They wouldn’t dream of not saying thank you afterwards either.

Honestly, you’ve left it a bit late, but you need to set boundaries and stick to them. There will be tantrums, but don’t respond. Confiscate the phone etc. Stop rewarding poor behaviour. Basically, you need to parent her.

Buckle up, and good luck!

Data and connectivity. Control their data, TV access, internet connection. We had stage where communication has been their Wi-Fi or Sky login username is “Unload dishwasher” or “Dirty washing downstairs” and an unrevealed new password - good behaviour gets data being a twat means passwords get changed. Occasionally DH took the router to work with him when the brighter one was figuring a backdoor and we hadn’t figured it out. The taxi service of mum (live rural) has huge leverage too. I tend not to engage face to face but via text or similar with DH copied and if they are being really horrible the group with Nana and Grandma gets used they dare not reveal their satanic other side with the bank of Nana 🤣 she’s a strong Bet Lynch vibe!

You need to go hard ass, maybe you are a liberal parent usually, it won’t cut it.
as mentioned rules and consequences and stick to them.