Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

4 year old violent at school

59 replies

FernBb · 04/12/2023 05:16

Hi all,

I’m having a real hard time and wanted some advice.

At home, my son is highly energetic, communicates well and is kind and loving. But it’s just me and him at home so I don’t know if that has a play in this.

In school, which he started this September, he has hurt another child or member of staff every day, runs out of the classroom when asked to do something he doesn’t want to do, doesn’t share and is now facing exclusion (at 4 years old!!!) because his behaviour is so unpredictable and violent.
I’m being told teachers don’t want to work with him and other parents want to fight me cause they’re sick of their child coming home and saying mine hit them or bit them.

The school SENCO told me to get him assessed and apply for LIFT but these incidents keep stacking up in the mean time and it’s appearing more and more like they don’t want to wait for these things to be available.
The headteacher told me that an assessment and LIFT won’t help and they ‘can’t keep having students knock out teachers’

I’m constantly being asked what to do but firstly, this child they’re describing isn’t the one I deal with so I don’t know how to help from experience, secondly, I have been researching like crazy and everything just says what I can do at home if they act out but they don’t act out at home so I don’t know?!

Can anyone give any advice please? I’m exhausted and anxious all the time and feel so useless!

OP posts:
XJ15 · 30/04/2024 10:47

Maccaandy · 30/04/2024 10:33

We have him in a nursery a couple of days a week too. Well slowly increase the time spent in the nursery. I’m confident it’s a maturity thing. I’ve spoken to lots of people about this and generally, unless there are underlying issues, then they tend to just grow out of it. Just need to try and condition him that hitting is not an acceptable means of communication. The problem is that you can’t teach that when it’s not 121 with someone who is experienced.

Show quote history

Thank you so much. Hopefully I get some answers in the next couple months and I hope your son settles with time! I’ll update on the post as well when I know more and if you could all as well as this advice is helped more than you’ll know!

Frenchmartini02 · 03/05/2024 20:55

I was following this post because i experienced the same issues with my 3.5 year old. He joined a montessori pre school and we had issues with him being violent, hitting, biting, throwing things, being destructive. The school said they thought he was autistic, then decided he wasnt but he was infact naughty. He became really withdrawn, was fighting me every day to get dressed, crying he didnt want to go to school. The school wanted him to have 1 to 1 assistant, said they had never seen a child like him before. It was so stressful and awful. After 4 months i withdrew him with immediate effect. Following week i moved him to a new school, different environmemt and had no issues at all. He is like a different kid, so much happier, so loving and kind. He was just clearly deeply unhappy in the montessori. I wish i had trusted my gut instincts to move him sooner. I had repearedly asked the school for a report/feedback to take to his psychologist appt. Only when i went to collect his belongings did i get it and it wasnt an easy read. They had (unbeknown to me) been restraining him "for his safety and others". I have no idea what happened there but it really affected him. When i took him back to collect his things and say goodbye to his friends he just froze, went silent, didnt want to go in, wouldnt make eye contact, said he felt sad because he wanted to go home.
So i would always recommend trying a new setting. Some kids need to learn differently and the right environment can make all the difference.

XJ15 · 17/05/2024 16:36

Hi all,

thought I’d update too. My daughter has been doing 4 hour days now instead of 7 hours and going in late morning. Much better for the last 2 weeks, hardly an issues. I honestly let her watch tv or play with dolls house every morning so she can relax and chill whilst I work as I still have a job and I think her own time not being forced anything in the morning is working well. Plus I give her iron gummies and magnesium gummies every morning. Can’t tell if they contributed but she likes them can’t hurt. Doctor also recommended omega 3 drops and zinc drops or gummies. Still only 2 weeks in, but progress is progress

Charbead49 · 10/09/2025 13:52

FernBb · 30/04/2024 10:00

For anyone that still looks at this post and has children with similar experiences

My child is now on a reduced timetable which we dropped down to 12-3
Then after we have a term of no violence, we increase it by a half hour and wait until my childs adjusted.

Whilst they’re at school, they don’t go into class as it’s too overwhelming for them so they have a desk outside with the classroom door open so they can still see that it’s not scary
A TA teaches them their lessons at their own desk
My child also has frequent movement breaks and ear defenders for lunch time when the school hall gets too loud

It’s a long, exhausting road but we are seeing significant improvements
A lot less violent days, they’re learning from the lessons, getting on with other kids more

But I do also want to note that the first and last week of term are always difficult because my child is burnt out and struggling with the change in routine

Also, at home, as much as it’s frowned on, my child also has ipad time at home as I feel it’s a great form of escapism which means they only have to deal with the overwhelming world for less hours
We also do some lessons at home so my child can see that it’s not scary

I hope this helps everyone!

These early years are so hard as they have no ability to reason, understand emotions or communicate how they are feeling but it is getting easier
I am also doing this whilst working full time and maintaining a house so trust me when I say it’s exhausting

Hello, just found this post and wondered if you went ahead with assessment and if anything was diagnosed?

Original poster
FernBb · 10/09/2025 14:05

Charbead49 · 10/09/2025 13:52

Hello, just found this post and wondered if you went ahead with assessment and if anything was diagnosed?

Show quote history

Hey

yes they got an ASD assessment and a EHCP in place.

With this and helping them understand emotions and how to communicate them, they’re now doing so much better.

they have a 1 on 1 TA that they also have a good relationship with which has helped

OP posts:
XJ15 · 10/09/2025 14:10

FernBb · 10/09/2025 14:05

Hey

yes they got an ASD assessment and a EHCP in place.

With this and helping them understand emotions and how to communicate them, they’re now doing so much better.

they have a 1 on 1 TA that they also have a good relationship with which has helped

Show quote history

Any advice on how you got 1:1? Ive appealed and have a further meeting this week.

https://www.buckshealthcare.nhs.uk/cyp/pifs/example-of-sensory-regulation-strategies/

i found that website last night, I thought it was SO helpful in understanding feelings

Sensory regulation strategies - examples - Buckinghamshire Healthcare NHS Trust - CYP Website

  These are my “Feel Good Activities” that help me feel safe and calm? Make sure I get to do these throughout the day to support me to stay regulated. […]

https://www.buckshealthcare.nhs.uk/cyp/pifs/example-of-sensory-regulation-strategies

Charbead49 · 10/09/2025 14:15

FernBb · 10/09/2025 14:05

Hey

yes they got an ASD assessment and a EHCP in place.

With this and helping them understand emotions and how to communicate them, they’re now doing so much better.

they have a 1 on 1 TA that they also have a good relationship with which has helped

Show quote history

Thank you for replying!

Original poster
FernBb · 10/09/2025 14:37

XJ15 · 10/09/2025 14:10

Any advice on how you got 1:1? Ive appealed and have a further meeting this week.

https://www.buckshealthcare.nhs.uk/cyp/pifs/example-of-sensory-regulation-strategies/

i found that website last night, I thought it was SO helpful in understanding feelings

Show quote history

It was part of their EHCP to help them feel secure and have someone who they can go to when confused or overstimulated

OP posts:
XJ15 · 10/09/2025 14:58

FernBb · 10/09/2025 14:37

It was part of their EHCP to help them feel secure and have someone who they can go to when confused or overstimulated

Show quote history

Thank you, that’s literally what mine needs. Someone who is always available. Glad it worked out for you!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread