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Parenting

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Original poster

Disrespectful children do I need to seek help?

26 replies

Outdoor112 · 01/12/2023 01:08

Child is 13. I am a single parent. Child has had a spoilt upbringing by GPs and visits them often where they are still very spoilt there not getting up to get own snack etc. Tonight they went to an activity as a treat with another family which meant I had to stay up until 1am to collect them. On the way home they said they were thirsty and hungy so I said ok I’ll make toast when we get home. They wanted cereal. They take at least 10minutes to finish cereal as a very slow eater so I said no. I’ve already stayed up until 1am so I’m not willing to stay up for them to finish their food so I offered - toast, pancake, crumpet or a few biscuits to just quickly treat the hunger and go straight to bed. They refused this and proceeded to refuse to eat or drink because they only wanted cereal. Now I’m an awful parent - again. At home is the only place they actually have rules and dicipline but they see it as me being an awful parent and being angry all the time. Any time something like this happens I am made out to be an unkind, angry person and they write in a notepad how I don’t love them and how they didn’t try to do what they did (like slamming a door because I refused to get out of my bath to plug their telly in because they took it out and couldn’t get it back in). They do this then leave it out somewhere they know I’ll see and read it. It’s really getting me down as I know the behaviour needs to be addressed and this is why I do it but then it’s made out a massive thing and they just basically have a strop and do things like this. Are they feelign this or is it manipulation?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

StargazerLilies · 01/12/2023 01:12

Manipulation. Stand your ground.

CheekyHobson · 01/12/2023 01:15

They’re probably just having a strop because they’re a teenager and haven’t learned how to manage their emotions.

If they want to refuse to eat anything except cereal at 1am, I would let them go to bed hungry. Your job is to offer a reasonable compromise, not cater to every demand.

If they want to write bratty messages in a notepad because they had to wait a few minutes to watch TV they can, but I wouldn’t let if bother me. You’re the parent; stand by your choices with calm confidence and don’t let a teenage tantrum throw you.

Speak to your parents about how their whim-catering is causing issues for you.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 01/12/2023 07:13

Totally agree with Cheeky. Is there a way for you to keep calmer too? It can be so difficult I know but anger really isn't your friend here.

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MustBeNapTime · 01/12/2023 07:33

They sound to be being a very typical teenager, acting out, especially at home with you, their "safe space". It's the raging hormones. Stick to your rules as you have been doing, they really need consistency. Try not to rise to the bait and remain calm whilst mentally counting to eleventy billion.... This too shall pass.

But with regards to the cereal, I think I would have told them to have it, and clear up after themsleves and just gone to bed myself. Unless there is something else going on, 13 is old enough to do that. I wouldn't have made toast, that takes time in itself and almost longer than the few seconds it takes to pur cereal and start eating. Also making toast smells would have made me hungry and want toast too. (But that's probably MY issue!😂).

LickleLamb · 01/12/2023 07:33

I would be very reluctant to pick them up again. Did you point out that you had sat up to 1am to pick them up. Honestly, get tough. When they accuse you of not loving them just reply that of course you do, they are your lovely child or something along those lines and end the conversation there.

If them accusing you that you don't love them means you then give in is a recipe for a nightmare future imv.

It's so obvious that it isn't good for the child to be pandered to makes it easy to stand firm.

User1775 · 01/12/2023 07:41

You did something very nice, to avoid the debtof gratitude they created this reason that made you the "baddie" again. Refuse to comply and hold them to account.

Doingmybest12 · 01/12/2023 07:45

It sounds like they know exactly which buttons to press. If you know what you are doing is fair and reasonable let them crack on with their diary and rise above it.

MilkChocolateCookie · 01/12/2023 07:54

Try not to take it personally OP. This sounds like fairly typical teenage behaviour, try not to let it wind you up.

Ticklemeharder · 01/12/2023 08:03

Sounds like standard teenage stuff although not sure why you’d have to wait up with them to eat their cereal at 13?

Hercules12 · 01/12/2023 08:08

Surely op at 13 they just get the cereal themselves and you go to bed. This isn’t a battle to fight.

BoohooWoohoo · 01/12/2023 08:12

My kids have been making their own cereal since before they were school age.

You should have left teen to rest then gone to bed.

Pashazade · 01/12/2023 08:21

I'd have let them have the cereal and told them to go to bed when they were done, I'd also accidentally bin the notebook, that's nasty and it's manipulation. I'd also stop doing nice things for them if they continue to be so ungrateful. Mainly I'd grey rock and not give them what they are obviously digging for. Generally speaking holding a line of steady expectations for behaviour etc works in the parents favour in the end but it can be a hard slog getting there!

MilkChocolateCookie · 01/12/2023 08:23

You don't specify the sex of the child, but for teenage girls I really recommend Untangled by Lisa Damour.

Pashazade · 01/12/2023 08:23

Oh actually maybe get some smiley face stickers and put one on the page they've left out for you to read, that'll annoy them no end and they will hopefully realise it's pointless and petty. Or a gold star, but that may be taking it too far........

Quitelikeit · 01/12/2023 08:24

persist with boundaries. Don’t doubt yourself. I’d have offered a biscuit and nothing else. For continued cheek I’d have removed phone.

They do come out the other side in about 4 years

Bluegreen143 · 01/12/2023 09:48

I would have just got the child to make the toast or cereal themselves and wouldn’t have stayed up - my 7yo makes his own toast, cereal or microwave porridge so a 13yo could too. Why shouldn’t they have the choice of what to eat? I don’t think you should allow disrespectful behaviour, but equally sometimes kids are disrespectful when they are frustrated we aren’t allowing them age-appropriate freedoms and responsibilities.

muchalover · 01/12/2023 10:00

Teen age is just like terrible twos it's a transitional stage. They are striving for separation so give them appropriate amounts. 13y/o can cook, make snacks, use the washing machine and do laundry, use a hoover have responsibilities.

They can arrange lifts or things with you meaning they negotiate and you don't put everything on a plate. You can support them to problem solve (hmm that's very late and I've got the upstairs to clean the next day, you might give me a hand with that). You can require them to treat you with civility or you won't negotiate the next time.

Put all the letters in a scrap book for a special birthday or maybe their wedding. Keep it light. Don't get sucked into to the drama triangle (worth looking up).

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/12/2023 10:02

Normal teenaged stuff. Next time, tell them to make their own snack and clear up. You go to bed.

Beamur · 01/12/2023 10:08

It's normal teen stuff but maybe your teen is asking for more from you?
Yes, you stayed up until 1am - willingly or begrudgingly? Why the drama around toast or cereal?
You say you have rules and boundaries - which is fine but how strict are you?

Danascully2 · 01/12/2023 10:11

Ignore the notebook or roll your eyes at the ridiculousness of it, don't take it personally.
It's normal for teens to moan and be self centered and ungrateful.
Allow choices where possible eg the cereal.
Be clear about where the boundaries are but pick your battles.

Dogcatmousecat · 01/12/2023 10:17

I would have left the child to sort out own snack and would have expected a thank you for the late lift !

appallingadvice · 01/12/2023 11:05

Why were they brought up by their GPs? (if I have understood your post correctly)?

Tiredbehyondbelief · 01/12/2023 11:20

What you are describing doesn't bode well for the remainder of your son's teenage years. I think both of you would benefit from family therapy. If you are short of money, there is a good book available on Amazon "How to talk to your children so that they listen and listen so that they talk".

NoCloudsAllowed · 01/12/2023 11:25

So this is your child who has been brought up by your parents and recently returned to you, to raise him or her as a single mother? Or did I misunderstand?

If that's the case, I imagine a child would feel initially insecure and be a bit unreasonable to test the strength of your affection, seek boundaries etc. Whereas you sound more like you're stropping out about your child's stroppiness, you sound more like an older sibling than a parent.

If your child wants something you think is unreasonable then say no. Show your child love even when he or she is annoying. Don't blame gp.

strawberrysea · 01/12/2023 11:30

I agree that they sound very disrespectful.

However (and please bear in mind that I'm on your side) I would say that making a 13 year old cereal is also spoiling them. Surely they can do it themselves?

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