Bedtime alone with 2

[Margo34]

When you're on your own (DH away) and preschooler is procrastinating at bedtime but you've got (poorly) baby screaming for a feed and bed - what do you do?

I did warn my eldest it is bedtime well in advance. Then "I'm getting baby ready for bed, nappy teeth and face wash. If you want my help to get ready for bed, come now. When baby is ready, I will take baby to bed. Come now and I can help you as well."

I talked aloud through each stage so eldest knew exactly what was going on, "baby nappy is done now, teeth next" but eldest still procrastinated, went to play in their bedroom, fart arsed around going up the stairs etc and I've now left them screaming at me from the bathroom door. Now they've decided is the time they need my help, obviously. But I'm doing exactly what I said I'd do.

WWYD?

"If you don't want to ever physically move your child" - not with force, no. Not so they'd get injured, no. The outcome tonight was being screamed at from the bathroom door. Surely that is preferable to my child injuring themselves or me?

I think you misunderstood my initial question. I want to help my child and make the whole situation easier for everyone, not injure anyone or make it worse using physicality or force.

I'm with you on avoiding using force unless absolutely necessary/in extremis OP.

DH not always here for bedtime. When he is, he takes toddler and I take baby. Very similar ages to yours.

When he isn’t, I change baby and get into pjs, let them play while toddler gets into pjs (she likes to do it herself). Then sit both on the sofa and read a few books.

After stories, we all go upstairs. I hold baby while toddler brushes teeth (again, she does it herself).

Take both into toddler’s room, toddler chooses a story for her toniebox while I put baby in sleeping bag. Toddler gets into bed, pulls cover up, I kiss goodnight and turn the light off then go into our room to feed baby to sleep and put her in the cot.

Toddler falls asleep listening to story and baby feeds to sleep, both take about 10/15 mins.

Come to think about it, can your DH not come home? Obviously I don’t know why he is away, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask him to curtail his trip if your youngest has been hospitalised! I’m betting you haven’t had much sleep yourself if you’ve only just been discharged from hospital this morning with DC2. Where was the 3 yo when you were in hospital? If with family could they go back there for a bit so you can recover as well?

If baby is as ill as you say I would be questioning why your husband is still away!

I don't think anyone is suggesting you injure your child.

I think the very vast majority of parents are able to pick their child up and put them in the bath without injuring them! They use enough force to pick them up and gently put them in the bath. If this is beyond you, then you are right to avoid any attempt to physically move your child.

You said in the OP the child was procrastinating, not having a violent tantrum btw!

I did, because procrastinating is how it will always start and an aggressive red mist tantrum is how attempting to move the 3yo ends.

He's on his way. Should be back in 3 days given last minute flight availability.

The you did everything you could.

Don't worry about it. It won't have hurt the the three year old to cry for a bit. You were right to prioritise the baby.

It's so tough isn't it? I hate doing solo bedtimes. Sounds like I have a similar preschooler to you. Very strong willed. I try to make everything a game... it's hard when you're frustrated and have a poorly baby but maybe try "ooh shall we give your toys a bath...or...I'm a vet and you're a horse, shalll we bath you, or "shall we do swimming in the bath" ie I always try to make everything sound fun and interesting. Doesn't always work but much easier if the three year old comes willingly!!

Mine are 5, 3 and 8m and my husband is away about 50% of the time so I know what you’re going through! I normally get everyone in the bath then dressed for bed together. Then get milk for the oldest two and we all read a story together followed by teeth. I then leave the oldest two with a story on the Yoto box and put the baby down if I think she’s tired enough to go down quickly. I then go back and do the 3 year old whilst the 5 year old plays by herself in her room or reads another story to herself, then head to my 5 year old.

Are you breastfeeding? If it all goes wrong (like tonight 😫) I basically do the whole of bed time walking round with the baby in her sleeping bag on my boob so she doesn’t get upset. On a really bad night, I leave the oldest two with my phone and TV whilst I sort the baby first. I know this IS NOT IDEAL but I do what I have to! My husband can be away for a month at a time so I do try stick to a very strict routine so they all understand what’s coming next. Often it’s the nights when he first comes home that are the absolute worst … total carnage!! 😂

@WomenShouldStillWinWomensSports yep I already do both at the same time, integrate/part n part/his turn her turn/whatever you want to call it. It's not new. Agree though first solo bedtime with 2 was when baby was 4w old and DH was away with work - disaster! We all cried 😂

I can't even comprehend having a third in the mix! Well done you for serving solo so much with 3.
I've got a Yoto for Xmas for the 3yo I'm so hoping it will help 🤞
Yes to breastfeeding and feeding all over the place.

At 3 your toddler might be receptive to an audiobook, eg Tonie box? When on my own with two similarly aged kids, I used to get baby ready for bed while preschooler "helped", passing nappies etc, then pop baby in cot with a toy while I got preschooler ready for bed. Then preschooler in bed with a pile of picture books while I fed baby in my room. Then baby down into cot and I came in and read preschooler a story. Now eldest is 5, we follow the same routine but he listens to his audiobook while I get baby (toddler now!) into bed and then I come back and read him a story.

I don't understand what you want from this post? You asked WWYD, people have told you, and you're being dismissive of every single suggestion and in places getting defensive. Did you just want to vent? Maybe best to say that and you'd get different responses.

I would also add that we all know 3 year olds are ridiculously unreasonable when very tired! So if your eldest is particularly tired or just unsettled from you being in hospital with the baby and your DH being away then do whatever you need to (within reason!) to keep the peace. If this means skipping bathtime, it won’t hurt, having extra milk, fine, 3 stories instead of 2, fine etc etc. Obviously a strict routine is great and definitely works in the long run but if you’re just trying to get through a hard night then don’t feel bad about doing whatever works!!

I’d put the eldest to bed first.

2 kids here, and DH got home at 8.30pm from work so I get the pain! Although one was just starting reception as baby was born so it was maybe a little easier. I was breastfeeding so generally got used to having baby on my boob and doing other things such as brushing little one’s teeth, as long as I got it all ready. We would all go to bed together usually and then I’d transfer them to their own bed/cot. Sometimes baby would have to cry a little while I sorted the older one and vice versa/ it was hard. But it’s not for long!

Also I had to learn to let routines go a little - like not bathing them every day etc. That helped! They are currently sleeping in their shared bedroom.

I get them both ready for bed, bath jammies teeth, read 3 year old a story while baby feeds then I put toddler into bed put story on yoto player and tell her I’ll be back to tuck her in after I put baby to sleep, quickly rock baby to sleep and put down then go back and cuddle toddler to sleep.

The last time I did this I did DC2's bath while DC1 sat and watched TV, fed DC2 and put her in the carrier. Then DC2 slept in carrier while I got DC1 bathed, teeth brushed and did stories. I couldn't leave DC2 to sleep reliably while sorting out DC1 so it was easier to just keep her in the carrier and then transfer her to cot later. I would have expected to physically help DC1 with everything including getting undressed, teeth brushing etc. My dentist told me I need to physically brush DC's teeth until age 9.

Thankfully not had to do it very often on my own as DH stopped working away, and he's always home from work in time to take one child for bath and bed while I do the other one. It means neither of us ever have a night out but it feels too much to leave to one adult, even though DCs are older now.