Bedtime alone with 2

[Margo34]

When you're on your own (DH away) and preschooler is procrastinating at bedtime but you've got (poorly) baby screaming for a feed and bed - what do you do?

I did warn my eldest it is bedtime well in advance. Then "I'm getting baby ready for bed, nappy teeth and face wash. If you want my help to get ready for bed, come now. When baby is ready, I will take baby to bed. Come now and I can help you as well."

I talked aloud through each stage so eldest knew exactly what was going on, "baby nappy is done now, teeth next" but eldest still procrastinated, went to play in their bedroom, fart arsed around going up the stairs etc and I've now left them screaming at me from the bathroom door. Now they've decided is the time they need my help, obviously. But I'm doing exactly what I said I'd do.

WWYD?

I think I’d do it the other way round. Give the three year old a book and let him pootle about while you see to baby. Get poorly baby to sleep and then deal with three year old.

I'd just feed and hold baby while dealing with pre schooler and put baby down for a second if needed while dressing toddler. Then I'd read toddler a story while cuddling or feeding baby.

With my 16mo age gap, I'd get them washed and pyjama'd together then have to feed baby to sleep while 20mo watches TV on my phone in bed with us (absolutely never, ever allowed usually). Then we'd go and do books and bedtime.

Couldn't do toddler bed time of the baby was crying as it upsets everyone.

By the way I'm not saying it's not stressful, I know it is, I just think your stress is maybe (understandably) making you overreact to a three year old who is just being a three year old.

Baby is poorly and it sounds like all 3 of you are tired. I would take the path of least resistance, which in this house when I'm on my own and things go to shit is:

• get 3YO in PJs, make an attempt at teeth cleaning, and accept baby may have to cry for a minute
• get myself quickly ready for bed, and house locked up
• all 3 of us in my bed, 3YO watches tv on my phone while I feed baby to sleep.
• once baby asleep, 3YO can come for a cuddle while we listen to her sleep story and she falls asleep

I then move the 3YO to their bed later. It's not what normal bedtime looks like, but sometimes needs must.

if preschooler was messing about and I’d given plenty of warnings - I’d put them in their room and say they had to wait there until I’d sorted baby. I have a 3yo and 1 yo and have done many many nights solo parenting. Usually 3yo goes to bed first as she’s too noisy otherwise. But If I couldnt settle baby/ 3yo screaming was keeping him awake, I’d do my best but if baby needs leaving in cot whilst I put 3yo to bed then so be it 🤷‍♀️ With the best will in the world I Only have one pair of hands.

I wouldn't let the preschooler procrastinate or fart arse around. I'd physically get them ready. It's too much responsibility for a three year old in these circumstances. Good to encourage independence generally, but there's a time and a place and solo bedtime with sick baby isn't it.

I tried that last night actually, told preschooler they could read stories or play with teddies while I got baby ready for bed then we could have 'just you and me' time to get ready for bed.

'Oh yes please mummy....' followed by screaming from their bedroom at me.

I just can't win!

Fwiw I did physically get my preschooler ready for bed...after baby was asleep. They are 3, not 13.

But please tell - how do you not let a pre-schooler procrastinate or fart arse around? I refuse to use physical restraint or force on my children before anyone suggests that.

You must have a very compliant 3yo if they stay in their room!

I do this with mine and hey just don't stay.

Bath together for ease then stick the eldest in front of the TV with a beaker of milk. Put the youngest to bed. Then do the eldest when you can give them your full attention.
(I also have a 3 year age gap)

And usually, without illness, this is fine and works here too.

Take their hand and lead them upstairs when it's time, or carry them if they're not compliant.

Take their clothes off and put them in the bath.

Lift them out of the bath and dry them.

Put their PJ's on.

I'm not sure where the opportunity to procrastinate comes from if you're physically doing these bits for them.

I'm not sure if you count all that as physical restraint and force.....I'd consider it parenting a three year old.

I think some of you have misunderstood. Pre-schooler is deliberately delaying and this is not our usual experience. Baby is ill. Baby was discharged from hospital this morning for breathing difficulty. Screaming and crying aggravates baby, I cannot leave baby to cry while I wait for fart arsing preschooler. I don't want to end up back in hospital with baby again. Baby is ill.

I do 'deal with them both together'. I'm on my own ffs and they are both very little 😂
I do 'get them both ready for bed.'
I'm not 'leaving them to their own devices' and I'm not expecting preschooler to get themself ready for bed! 😂

I'm telling the preschooler it is bed time. I'm telling the preschooler to come to the bathroom.
I'm telling the preschooler 'first next and then...'.

What I'm not doing is physically restraining the preschooler and dragging them up the stairs. I'm expecting them to walk up the stairs with me and baby and be helped to get ready for bed. Is that too much responsibility?

Preschooler doesn't want to though. And baby is ill and absolutely needs to get to bed.

Another one with a very compliant preschooler then.

Or do I just have a ridiculously super strength 3yo that makes it very clear when they don't want to do something....by lashing out. There is no carrying them up the stairs without injuring one or both of us. There is no putting them in the bath when they don't want to without injuring one or both of us. Etc etc.

@Margo34 ia this still going on whilst you are on your phone? Or are the kids in bed now?

to be honest, if I’d given 3yo warnings and they were still messing about, yes I would absolutely carry them up the stairs. I would say “you can walk or mummy will carry you, I will count to 3 and then I will carry you. 1-2-3. “ Then calmly pick them up and ignore any kicking/ screaming etc.

if this is happening in real time and they’ve been pissing about for half an hour and not listening to you, then yes, I would take more direct action. If they aren’t able to listen then I would physically move them. I don’t think that’s cruel or bad parenting.

I think I'd be chastised by a previous poster for being irresponsible and leaving my 3yo to their own devices in another room by doing this.

We don't do TV after tea time but needs must so I'll try this tomorrow, thank you

Im not really sure what to suggest OP. Sounds like an impossible situation and it appears like none of this advice is helping. I hope things get better tomorrow for you x

What I'm not doing is physically restraining the preschooler and dragging them up the stairs. I'm expecting them to walk up the stairs with me and baby and be helped to get ready for bed. Is that too much responsibility?

Clearly, tonight it was too much responsibility because they couldn't do it. If you don't want to ever physically move your child that's your parenting choice, you've seen the outcome tonight. Only you know if that was preferable to picking them up and putting them in the bath!

Asleep now of course. I would not be on my.phone if they were awake and certainly not if we were wrestling bedtime.

I think throw it all on the air and just let the 3yo do whatever it is they want until you've got the baby down. Is there a TV show they are mesmerised by? Needs musts!

@Give0fecks I would say “you can walk or mummy will carry you, I will count to 3 and then I will carry you. 1-2-3. “ Then calmly pick them up and ignore any kicking/ screaming etc.

I do this, I also say "I can see you're finding it hard to choose right now so I'll chose for you, I will count to 3 then I will do xyz"

And I always say "I'm here for you, I love you" while I'm being lashed out and screamed at, too.

Is there any easier way?!

Your original post sounded as if you were being a lot harsher with your 3 year old than your updates clarify. Sorry if I misunderstood that you were expecting them to get themselves ready for bed. Tomorrow is another day OP, have a rest and a cup of tea/chocolate/glass of wine

Also, you said 'poorly' baby, where I'm from poorly means slightly ill with a cold or whatever, didn't realise baby was seriously sick. Anyway, sorry that I misunderstood. I'm sure you're doing a great job and tonight was just a tricky one.