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Parenting

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Original poster

Ex is a nightmare to co parent with!

27 replies

Omaze21 · 27/11/2023 14:20

Me and my partner split up a year and a half ago due to him being a compulsive liar, gambler etc etc.
since the split he takes ds a couple of nights a week.
I feel so helpless though, I don’t think he’s looking after himself at all. (Admitted to taking coke for a whole month) I know he still does when he drinks.
and now he just looks so rough when he’s collecting ds, like he’s been up all night.
he is constantly late. And on numerous occasions his phone will be off and he will be very late in collecting ds. Mostly when I’m working.
a few times I’ve had to take ds to his myself only to wake him up by knocking the door. ( one time it was 5pm!!)

he takes ds into nursery late everytime, and has kept him off because he couldn’t be bothered taking him down.

at the weekend the same thing, was to be at mines between 11-12 I actually had to go into work early so tried calling etc same thing phone off. So I had to take ds round at 1135 and lo and behold I’d woken him up. I could see his flat was a tip and he looked like he’d been up all night. I called his sis upset to ask if she could pop round d to see for herself what I mean. And instead she phoned him told him I phoned and then I was subjected to hours of abusive txts from him.
she now doesn’t want to speak to me again or be involved.

im just so sad about it all. I want him to be a good dad but I feel my son would just be cooped up all weekend while he’s hungover. Most weekends. The lateness is so bad and in general I just don’t think he’s doing well.

has anyone got any advice?!

OP posts:

Cas112 · 27/11/2023 14:35

Sorry but my child wouldn't be going unless I knew his father was 100% off coke even when drinking

From what you have written it wouldn't surprise me if he was struggling with your son because of the benders

drad · 27/11/2023 14:37

He is a major safeguarding risk. You're naive to think he's just hungover. Coke is, as I'm sure you're aware, highly addictive and as he's admitted that he's taken it for a whole month he's very likely to be coked up whilst parenting your DC. I'm in ex-coke addict btw so I'm saying this with great sincerity not to be judgemental. It'll be hard being a single parent but I think you need to be stop your DC from staying there overnight. Your ex sounds like a mess and needs to admit he's got a problem and seek help.

TwinMummaX · 27/11/2023 14:40

He doesnt sound in any fit state to be taking your child twice a week. Id be asking him to sort himself out if he wants to carry on with contact.

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Luckydog7 · 27/11/2023 14:40

Agree I would not be allowing access in those circumstances. I can't imagine that your ex would be proactive enough to go to court over it. Do you have any text/email evidence of the neglect, abuse (of you) the drug taking etc? If not I would put in writing that you aren't letting ds go to him because of the condition of the house and concern about drugs. See if he comes back with anything you can use to protect yourself in court.

Luckydog7 · 27/11/2023 14:42

Photos of the house at drop off if its as bad as you suggest?

Reugny · 27/11/2023 14:46

You need to stop relying on your son's father as childcare.

This means you need to find someone else who is willing to look after your son at short notice if you need to go to work.

If your son's father doesn't turn up to pick him up then you need to take your son to that person.

If that can't happen then unfortunately you need to find different work that you can do while your son is in alternative childcare.

This sounds harsh but firstly contact time for your DS with either of you isn't childcare, and secondly if he is in a fit state to look after your son he would be in a fit state to come and collect him.

Reugny · 27/11/2023 15:10

Luckydog7 · 27/11/2023 14:40

The Family Court doesn't give a shit.

They are happy to put other people's children at risk until it is proven that a parent will harm them by actually harming them.

The OP is better off just not leaving the boy in the father's care.

How she decides to do that is up to her. The easiest step is simply not taking their DS over to his hungover/coming down father if he doesn't turn up

Redskyatwhatever · 27/11/2023 15:39

i don’t like to have a go at the mum in this scenario but what are you thinking? You take your nursery age child round to the house when his dad is too off his face / hungover / whatever to come to collect him and you think that’s okay? The worst thing you can think of it your child being cooped up for a couple of days, what if dad is not capable of feeding him or keeping him safe cause of the state of the house. God forbid your child gets hold of any drugs or alcohol that could be lying about. I would be doing everything in my power to keep my son safe and would not be facilitating any contact. Sometimes no dad around is better than one like this.

RickyGervaisAndHisFangs · 27/11/2023 15:42

I wouldn't let a child of mine go to a lazy, hung-over smackhead. Your kid would be better off without him as a father. I'd be telling Social Services and the nursery about my concerns

Whattodo112222 · 27/11/2023 15:59

Nope. Not a chance. Neglect and drug addiction.. not...a...chance.
Op, first off, if you can afford it, get a solicitor to write a letter to him to say based on xyz that you will no longer be allowing access until he cleans himself up and that this is in the best interests of your son as currently he is a safeguarding risk.
Secondly. I would be the one to apply to court to formalise contact.. in the mean time. I would report him to children's services so you have some evidence of involvement even if its you've logged a call. Keep all screen shots of messages.
I would insist that you tell the court or Children's services he must have clean drug tests for a period of time before unsupervised access resumes. Offer supervised in the mean time.

He sounds awful tbh.

pikkumyy77 · 27/11/2023 16:02

Stop taking your child there. Pretend he is dead and make other arrangements for your child. Your ex will only degenerate from here snd he will put your child at risk.

TheShellBeach · 27/11/2023 16:04

Why on earth are you leaving your child with this man?

PaminaMozart · 27/11/2023 16:08

As PPs said, stop taking him - it's not safe!

And write up a retrospective diary of past neglect, and any further events going forward. Just in case he ever takes court action to gain access. Which he most probably won't, but it's best to have a record.

Edited to add: I second above suggestion to also get legal advice.

Original poster

Omaze21 · 27/11/2023 16:50

Thanks for your responses.
he wasn’t to look after ds while I went to work it was his day to have him so I arranged work.
he’s very good at lying so he tries to fool everyone that he’s fine. That’s why I asked the sister to pop in on them. To see what I was meaning.
if I say he’s not to have him he’ll just say he was hungover. And I can’t stop contact for that.
he also claimed house was fine but it’s not what I seen obviously.
perhaps a lawyers letter is the best course of action. I had thought about mediation aswell.
the sister said I can’t be throwing accusations around but I know him. I could see how he looked. And I know what he’s like.
Ofcourse I don’t want my child going to him but I guess with the sister saying that I felt I had no option. He would just lie about it all.
I have previously bought drug tests. Maybe suggesting that again.

OP posts:

Original poster

Omaze21 · 27/11/2023 16:52

I have also been documenting all of the things going on and I showed the sister this. to no avail.

OP posts:

Whattodo112222 · 27/11/2023 16:54

Please do not send your child there.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 27/11/2023 16:54

If he's late, I wouldn't have taken DS round. And when he eventually messages to ask where DS is I would have said that you thought it was cancelled since he didn't bother showing up on time and now you have made other plans.

But, honestly, if you think he's on drugs, do not send your nursery age son round there!

TeddyBeans · 27/11/2023 16:55

Just don't send your son OP. There's a slim chance your ex might buck his ideas up when he realises he hasn't seen his son for months but I highly doubt it. You can't leave your son with someone who's high/hung over. It's a massive safeguarding risk

SpaceRaiders · 27/11/2023 16:57

I’d have been compiling a diary of evidence, messages, times he’s not showed up, times you’ve woken him up after a binge. You must protect your child first and foremost.

pikkumyy77 · 27/11/2023 17:09

Stop trying to “go through” his sister. She is not an ally. She is the enemy at worst, at best a callous stranger. When she “kicks off” just tell her “this is none of your concern. “ and hang up the phone.

Reugny · 27/11/2023 17:11

perhaps a lawyers letter is the best course of action. I had thought about mediation aswell.

The best and cheapest option is to do nothing.

Only if your ex decides to take you to family court then go to mediation and hash something out. Be aware due to the number of parents who take drugs your claims of his father coming down etc won't be believed or will be discounted.

At the moment if your son is due to go to his father and his father doesn't turn up then wait 30-45 minutes and go out with your son to somewhere like soft play or someone's house that is at least a bus ride away.

You cannot force his father to look after him and if his father is not safe to due to his drinking and/or drug taking then you are being neglectful taking your son to his father's house.

Dacadactyl · 27/11/2023 17:14

Well he would have to drag me to court to have access to his son tbh.

He wouldn't be going there again.

TheShellBeach · 27/11/2023 17:37

Sorry, but the sister's opinion on this is entirely irrelevant.

Stop sending your son and see if his deadbeat dad actually does anything about it.

Luckydog7 · 27/11/2023 19:57

@Reugny

Yes I agree the son shouldn't be going, I said OP shouldn't allow access.

I was simply saying that in the case that he actually does follow up with court is to have reasons to justify removing access. OP has said they have gathered evidence which is great.

Im pretty sure that the court will care about drug use especially is (as it seems) it is happening around the time, or even during visitation. OP can testify that the father has a history of drug use and believes that he is using around her child and can potentially request a drug test. If he is as heavy a user as this posts suggest then it will be detected and he will be wary of even attending to defend access.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/11/2023 21:26

I don't send my ds to his dad's house, as I don't think it's safe there and long way away. I get them to go to children's centre stay and play sessions - the dad is willing to do this as here are toys etc there and help with the entertainment and the staff even help him with nappy changes, I would keep offering something like this or visits at your house if you don't mind him being there where it is safe

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