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Original poster

Is this legal for the school to only send one parent to court?

42 replies

Mystical1981 · 26/11/2023 07:15

Hi I need advice because I'm fuming right now. My daughter (13) has not been to school for over a year she is a self harmer has major anxieties around school we are with cahms and just started having 1-1 sessions for this (been on waiting list for over 2 years) the school have been threatening me with a fine for a while but because I communicate with the school everyday and they can see that I try to get my daughter into school everyday they threaten it but they put the fine on hold because they saw I was trying and how much it has affected my life. I have lost my job over this I have had lots of breakdowns my mum has given up her life to try and help me and my daughter everyday. Everyday I am encouraging my daughter to go to school we have had many arguments over it but this makes her self harm more. She also went through a spell of not leaving her bedroom, health anxieties, not eating, paranoia. Its hard to explain on here everything that has gone on but I am constantly at the doctors with her or trying to get her to leave her bedroom trying to get her to eat. I am constantly qt the school having meetings or taking her to school welfare checks. Now let's get onto her dad. We split up 9 years ago he was very much involved in their lives seeing them every weekend. Then last year he decided to move 6 hours away he comes down everywhere weekend to see them but other than that has no involvement in their life. He has not offered any help getting my daughter to school he hasn't offered to take anytime off work and come down and stay at his mums which is a 20 min drive and help get her into school. He attends none of the meetings he doesn't contact my kids (son and daughter) he never messages me asking how the kids are, or if *she is going into school etc. He has just moved away and got on with his life. When I was speaking to the attendance officer she said to me she was going to have to proceed to the fine/court stage and said she wouldn't be prosecuting the dad because she has spoken to him on the phone and he said he's hands are tied because he lives so far away!!! I'm fuming I recieved a letter to go to court and I have got all my medical evidence together but if it turns out the dad isn't at the court can I take the school to court for this. The school have seen Me in bits over this they have seen that I lost my job over this they have seen me trying to get her into school they have seen me doing everything possible to get my daughter better and get her into school. My mum has been up the school even my dad it's affecting my whole family as they are close to my daughter. Even my daughter says my dad hasn't been there for me. How is this fair

*edited by MNHQ to remove identifying details.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mystical1981 · 26/11/2023 07:20

Just to note aswell he moved away when my daughter was having these problems not before. He moved away this August my daughter already hadn't been to school for nearly a year at this point and he did nothing to help whilst he was living 20 mins away. When the attendance officer said this to me I said there are things he can do he could take some time off work and come and help. He could call her everyday to encourage her to school but he does none of that. She just said I have made a mental note of that

OP posts:
sosomcsoso · 26/11/2023 07:25

You are the resident parent so unfortunately they will fine you and not him

WandaWonder · 26/11/2023 07:28

The child lives with you

ForeverIsTheSweetestCon · 26/11/2023 07:32

But he has parental responsibility as well; why doesn't he take any responsibility here? Not to mention - how on earth do they think fines and court might help here? I don't think either of you should be facing fines or court, OP, but if one of you is then it should be both!

cryinglaughing · 26/11/2023 07:33

I certainly wouldn't attempt to take school to court, no good will come of it.
I don't think they can fine him when he has nothing to do with her school attendance.
I get it, I have been there to a lesser extent, it is hard.
Save your energy to advocate for your dd rather than point scoring with your ex.

MissHavershamReturns · 26/11/2023 07:34

Op you have accidentally used her name in your post.

MissHavershamReturns · 26/11/2023 07:34

I’m so sorry for your struggles

IrresponsiblyCertainAboutSexualDimorphism · 26/11/2023 07:34

It isn’t fair. And I can’t see the justification in spending all that public money to take you to court for something that clearly isn’t within your control. How much do they want to fine you?

If you aren’t working, could you consider turning the whole thing on its head and home educating her?

Thursdayusername · 26/11/2023 07:35

That is awful. It's just not fair and I'm sorry that you've lost so much.
Have you asked the school about alternative provision for your daughter because of her mental health difficulties? They seem to be failing to educate your daughter. She is ill. Have they been sending regular work home for her to do? Could you ask if they will send a tutor to your house? Is there alternative provision for those with mental health difficulties in the LEA? Some children do get these things although obviously not everyone who needs them and money is tight.
Someone has made a choice to make this your responsibility. It may be hard to make it your ex's but could you push the school to take more responsibility for her education? They have a duty to her.

IOnlycreatedaccountforthispost · 26/11/2023 07:38

cryinglaughing · 26/11/2023 07:33

I certainly wouldn't attempt to take school to court, no good will come of it.
I don't think they can fine him when he has nothing to do with her school attendance.
I get it, I have been there to a lesser extent, it is hard.
Save your energy to advocate for your dd rather than point scoring with your ex.

Yeah 100%. Just out of interest OP what exactly is the dad meant to do in this situation?
I’m also confused. I assume you are in the UK, if you are then (except for two exemptions) my understand is that you can home school your child. Is this not being done for some reason?

Nonplusultra · 26/11/2023 07:42

I think you’re an absolutely amazing person to be holding up under this pressure.

It’s beyond shocking that the school can take you to court - how on earth could adding to the stress you’re under do anything positive for the teen whose only support and advocate is you?

And dad can just walk away. It’s unbelievable.

MaryMcI · 26/11/2023 07:43

Your DD’s name is in the post about two thirds of the way down. Not sure if you can still get in to edit it. I have reported it to MN to ask them to edit it out.
it sounds a difficult situation. Do the school have both parents’ details? At my DC school, they have mine as the main parent, which means I get all the stuff which is for DC and all the general emails, ex so gets. It means I need to send stuff on if relevant. They don’t have the capacity at high school to do it any differently.

That is a separate issue to the way schools and family courts think you are somehow able to get non-willing DC to school or contact. School refusal is similar to a child refusing contact and then mum ends up in court. The situation with your DD sounds very difficult because it is much larger then that, and I get your frustration with her dad - you cannot just move away. I would simply ask the school and the court, given all the circumstances, what they expect you to do.

ForeverIsTheSweetestCon · 26/11/2023 07:44

IOnlycreatedaccountforthispost · 26/11/2023 07:38

Yeah 100%. Just out of interest OP what exactly is the dad meant to do in this situation?
I’m also confused. I assume you are in the UK, if you are then (except for two exemptions) my understand is that you can home school your child. Is this not being done for some reason?

Show quote history

She suggested what he could do:

  • not move miles away from his mentally unwell daughter and stop being an involved parent in the first place
  • take time off work and come to help for a while
  • ring his daughter every morning to encourage her to go to school

I assume the OP isn't home schooling because she wants help for her daughter, and doesn't think home school is the right choice for her.

sushiburger · 26/11/2023 07:45

I don't think it's fair and think the absent parent should be fined double

Scarydinosaurs · 26/11/2023 07:46

I think it’s outrageous the dad can’t be held equally responsible.

Also - fining isn’t going to help get her to school!

I’m so sorry you’re having these troubles. Will your daughter engage with any kind of therapy? Has anything worked so far?

Bookworm1111 · 26/11/2023 07:49

Nonplusultra · 26/11/2023 07:42

I think you’re an absolutely amazing person to be holding up under this pressure.

It’s beyond shocking that the school can take you to court - how on earth could adding to the stress you’re under do anything positive for the teen whose only support and advocate is you?

And dad can just walk away. It’s unbelievable.

It’s the LEA who instigates court action, not schools themselves. It sounds like the school has been as supportive as it can but the register is a legal doc that feeds info to the LEA and when a child is continually marked as absent it triggers action.

OP, I don’t blame you for being aggrieved with your ex. Even if he’s not been summoned he should go with you to court for solidarity. Will he do that?

IOnlycreatedaccountforthispost · 26/11/2023 07:53

@ForeverIsTheSweetestCon then in that case maybe a discussion should be had over the daughter going to live with her dad. If dad says no then at that stage he should be just as liable to be prosecuted. Aside from that I’m sorry but I don’t think OP can say (as you have suggested) that she doesn’t believe home schooling is right for her daughter. This girl is 13 years old and needs an education whether that be home schooling or attending school.
I’m really sorry for your situation OP, it must be terribly difficult but your daughter needs to be getting an education.

ForeverIsTheSweetestCon · 26/11/2023 08:05

I think @IOnlycreatedaccountforthispost that the daughter's best interests need to be prioritised and that might not be going to live with the father who has chosen to move six hours away from her while she is suffering with an eating disorder, self harm and anxiety. I also thknk its entirely reasonable to say that home education won't work for her in those circumstances either. She needs to be well enough to learn before she can get her education. If the OP takes her out of the school system, her daughter might become less of a priority for CAMHS and any other services that might help her. It's so hard to get mental health treatment at the moment, and the OP must be far more worried about her daughter's health than education just now. I doubt that home schooling would help in this situation.

Terfosaurus · 26/11/2023 08:06

@Mystical1981 I'm sorry you're going through this. My son was a school refuser. We got a letter from the Dr saying it was suitable for him to be in school at the moment so the pressure from the LA (and threats of court and fines) was removed.

FizzyLaser · 26/11/2023 08:09

Do school have dad’s details? Why don’t you just take her out of school and Home educate until she’s better

MNHQ
LivMumsnet · 26/11/2023 08:13

Morning all. Thank you for all your reports about that post - we've now edited out the identifying detail. Hope that helps, OP. Flowers

IOnlycreatedaccountforthispost · 26/11/2023 08:19

@ForeverIsTheSweetestCon I didn’t realise that by taking her out of school that the education system would then maybe not help her so I concede that taking her out may not be best based on what you have said. I’m afraid i do tend to take these kinds of posts with a healthy degree of skepticism as it is one sided, maybe that is unfair but I have learnt this from experience.

Theunamedcat · 26/11/2023 08:27

Under the law your both accountable? It's always been a huge flaw in the system that resident parents can cost absent parents money how can they just decide to do that 😕

Elastica23 · 26/11/2023 08:31

cryinglaughing · 26/11/2023 07:33

I certainly wouldn't attempt to take school to court, no good will come of it.
I don't think they can fine him when he has nothing to do with her school attendance.
I get it, I have been there to a lesser extent, it is hard.
Save your energy to advocate for your dd rather than point scoring with your ex.

She doesn't have a choice, the LA is taking her to court.

This is what the absolute thundering shitclowns do to parents and kids who are struggling.

cryinglaughing · 26/11/2023 08:36

Elastica23 · 26/11/2023 08:31

She doesn't have a choice, the LA is taking her to court.

This is what the absolute thundering shitclowns do to parents and kids who are struggling.

Show quote history

I think you have misread 🤔
OP has suggested she takes the school to court for not fining her absent ex.
At present, school is taking her to court for non attendance.