How to do school mornings? (I need my spoons!)

[NettyMumMission]

I suffer from chronic fatigue + I'm struggling so much to get the kids up for school. My boys are in year 7 + 9. They are lazy and resist being self sufficient.

How can I get them to do more themselves? What is reasonable at this age?

I've already thought they need alarm clocks for xmas, but its more than just gadgets. How can get them to take on more of the responsibility for getting to school?

In the mornings, I wake them up, get their breakfast, help with getting bags ready, PE kits, etc. I am constantly nagging at them to get moving. I know its not much compared to when they were younger but I am so much worse. I beyond rubbish in the mornings. I am dragging myself out of bed, some days are so bad I am crawling to their rooms to nag them to get up. There is such a knock on effect on my life as well as the lack of energy I have for our time together in the evenings and weekends.

I need to stop using all my spoons getting my kids out the door for school. (This refers to spoon theory, which is energy management or pacing as a management tool for chronic fatigue).

Year nine needs to be totally autonomous, beyond perhaps waking them and getting breakfast if you are making the other breakfast.

Both need to have bags packed the night before, you could help the younger. Then all you do in the morning is wake them, make breakfast and tell them to brush their teeth and go.

I'd get absolutely everything looked out and sorted the night before. - and encourage them to help with this.
Uniforms laid out
PE kits packed and in the car or at the front door
Breakfast agreed on - bowls looked out etc
All done the night before.

Not sure about how to get them to move faster, I'm having this issue just now with my 6yr old. She is sooooo slow in the mornings so I feel your pain with this :-D

Also, perhaps a wee trip to the GP for you? It doesn't sound like normal fatigue to be struggling to get up so badly.

Hope things improve for you.

They might resist being self sufficient but you can resist being their skivvy. Bags sorted the night before, write them a list. They can sort their own breakfasts, if they don’t they’ll be hungry.

Ahh sorry I see you have a chronic fatigue diagnosis already. Maybe another trip to GP to see if there is any other treatments.

Can they (or you/partner) get their bags and put breakfast ready the night before?

I would suggest that they have a tick list timetable too, so for example up at 7.30, 7.35 breakfast, 8.00 brush teeth, 8.05 get dressed, 8.15 shoes and coats on, 8.20 out the door.

I would expect the 7 year old to need chivying along, the 9 year old not so much. My kids knew about my illness at that age and were aware that I sometimes would need to stay in bed so they needed to take responsibility for themselves to a certain extent. I would be there for them to consult and give them time reminders but not to physically help them.

At age 11 and 13, I would expect both to be fairly independent. Get them to check they have their uniforms and pack their bags the night before. Check they have bus fare. Make their own breakfasts, unless you are doing cooked breakfast- my 13 year old often makes herself scrambled eggs in the morning. These are all life skills they need to develop. The only thing I would do is check that they are awake, it may take a few frantic mornings while they adjust but well worth it.

Agree with pp about getting ready the night before. You need the launchpad idea of one box/surface for each child and everything ready and already in their bags. List on the back of the front door with a reminder of anything that needs to be got out of the fridge just before leaving (packed lunch, water bottle etc).
Uniform laid out ready, coats and shoes by the door.
If washing hands and face, brushing teeth is easier at the kitchen sink, move the supplies down there. (I did this because after breakfast was easier. I know the dental advice is different, but sometimes you just have to do what works).
Same in reverse when they come home. Everything into their own box, you can check through the bags and deal with letters, homework, washing PE kit etc before it gets trailed through the house (and lost). Anything from school that got past me and into their bedrooms was at risk of never being seen again.

And make sure you are taking a really good vitamin D3 supplement.

I think having everything ready the night before makes life way easier.

Get them to make/“choose” their own packed lunches while you sort out dinner.
After dinner one clears away the table and one “sets the table” for breakfast (eg bowls cutlery and cereal out) that way you just add milk in the morning.

before bed the kids pack bags (have a checklist by the door - bus pass? gym kit inc shoes? keys? etc) and get all their stuff sorted and by the door.
after teeth brushing they get uniform out on a chair or on a hanger.

you check and prompt. They do.

My kids are AGED 7 & 9, and do more than that on a morning. They both get themselves up and showered, dad does their breakfast, while they get dressed, and then they know once they've finished that they are to get themselves ready, books, bags, snacks, drinks, shoes and coats by the door. I brush their hair and tie it back for them, as they can't manage that yet, but the rest is pretty much down to them. They know the expectations, and know that if they forget anything or are late, that's on them. Think you need firmer boundaries and a list of expectations for them. They aren't small children, and there's no reason why they need their breakfast made for them at those ages. Especially if they're playing you up on a morning. Either they get up earlier and sort themselves out, or they go without. Same with drinks, books, etc, if they can't organise themselves, they're going to be the ones reaping the consequences of that, so let them crack on with it. They need to take responsibility for getting themselves up and ready. Have you got an Alexa? I'd set that to blast music out at 7am, (or whatever time needed) and make sure they know that is their cue to get up and get ready. They need to know that if they delay it, then they're going to be the ones rushing to get their stuff ready, not you, as you aren't doing it anymore.

Bangs can be done the night before, breakfast their responsibility. Yours should be to get them up- at those ages they are choosing not to help. Do they realise the extent of your disability? What them not having some independence in the morning means for the rest of the day?

My kids are also AGE 7 and 9 (year 2 and 4) and do more than yours do! I remind them what needs to happen at what time, but they mostly do it themselves (I sometimes put the younger one's breakfast out, but mostly they sort their own cereal). We have an established routine so they know what needs doing at what time. If we've had a good week with minimal nagging we have a treat at the weekend (like a bit of cake in a cafe).

I think you need to sit them down and say things are going to change. I’m going to expect you to take over responsibility for yourselves. Not just because you have an illness, but also because they are well old enough now and they need to be preparing themselves so that they can live independently and fly the nest.

Show them and Give them explicit instructions on how to do each of the tasks, if they have never done them before. The next day, they do them with you guiding. The next day, they to them alone.

For reinforcement, I would allow natural consequences as far as possible. So if they don’t get their own breakfast or lunch, they’ll go hungry. If they don’t do their homework or are late for school, they get detention.

For some things, if they get pocket money, I would go for the docking method. You must get up by 7.30 am. If you are not up by that time, I will knock on your door, but I charge 1 pound for this service. If I have to knock again, it will be 2 pounds.

I’d get them doing absolutely everything from washing their own clothes, packing own lunch, packing own bag. Everything.

Sit them down and explain they are now old enough to be responsible for their own bags, packed lunches etc. you'll support for the next week with them packing in the evening but then it's up to them - and point out that if they screw up, they'll face the consequences at school not you - you won't bail them out.

Stick their timetables somewhere everyone can see and highlight when they need or kit etc.

Make sure what they need for lunches, food tech or similar is available but they need to own it....

And maybe a reward at the end of the 1st month if they take it on board successfully.

They are also old enough to help you out and make life less exhausting - at 13, they are capable of helping cook dinner at least once a week - if they aren't already, get them involved in cooking so they also learn how to cook a meal.

And make sure you don't give in - they are capable if you make them take responsibility l.

I think some posters must be misreading the ages of the DCs here. They are year 7 & 9, not 7 & 9 years old. They should definitely be managing to do most of this themselves.

I think at this point you run through what they need to do, put it on a checklist and let them get on with it. They need to be allowed to fail. It isn't the end of the world in the long run if they're late for school a few mornings or get a detention for forgetting their PE kit, but it will force them to take responsibility for themselves. If it feels like too much to hand over at once, start with one thing (eg making their lunch or getting themselves up), then add another once they've got the hang of the first.

You need to let them fail. If they forget their PE kit they get a detention, if they don't sign up for something in time they miss out.
They'll soon realise they need to take responsibility.
I also have ME/CFS sand had to learn to let go of control and guilt about the DCs as they got old enough to take on responsibility themselves.
It is hard seeing them fail at things, but better to learn that lesson at 11/13 than at say University where the stakes are higher.
They will push back "mum, where's my bag" etc but after a few rounds of "no idea, what could you do to make sure you always know where it is?" They'll get the message that it's their problem not yours.

Also the ones who's own kids are aged 7 and 9 have not yet been faced with the bone idleness of secondary aged kids ;)

I suspect if @NettyMumMission is short of spoons, it's been easier to do things for them than to get them 'trained' for want of a better word.

OP, as a seasoned parent ( all flown now and adulting very nicely but the teenage years were a bit bumpy) my suggestion is to sit them both down, explain the situation then leave them to get on with it. In my experience, it's best to work on your relationships with them while letting them deal with the fallout occurring from lateness to school. Tell them this.

Obvious keep an eye on them but give them a chance to to learn about natural consequences.

Excellent post from @InMySpareTime

They should be fully self sufficient. You need to let them fail so they learn (eg, be late, forget something they need). Tough love but it’s necessary.

Agree with let them fail BUT I would help the y7 one a bit more as first term of secondary is tough.

Main thing is getting them to take responsibility and they should do as much as possible the night before. And a bloody loud alarm on the other side of the room, for each of them.

They (with help if necessary) need to make to make a list of what they need each each day and check it each evening. Make their lunches (again with help if they need it). So stuff just needs grabbing from fridge in morning
Uniform... again check they need the night before

Breakfast... make it easy. They should be able to get on with it themselves.

Timer for times to be dressed, breakfasted, ready before. (Alexas or similar) are great for this, but appreciate not everyone wants one!

Finally, at their ages, they need to understand that they need to help you with your illness. Not do things for you necessarily but make sure they aren't making it difficult for you.

I've not been well the last 2 days and my year 7 son has got himself up and ready without me. I've stumbled down the stairs as hes leaving ready to get my younger 2 sorted. Bags are packed the night before, lunches and water bottles ready in the fridge and breakfast stuff is all grab and go (cereal bars/pastries/protein shakes).

Lol

There is no treatment for ME/CFS apart from pacing. That’s also thecNUCE guidelines.
It would be a dream if there was any potential treatment at all.

So they are 11 and 13? Jesus. They should be completely responsible for getting up, packing their stuff and getting breakfast. In fact at that age, and given your illness, they should fix you some breakfast as well.

When you have the spoons, write out a clear chart for each of them. What do they need to pack? What time do they need to get up, make breakfast, and leave?

And then sit them down, tell them that you now need to rest in the morning and cannot help them with their morning routines anymore. This is their chart so they know what they need to do. If they are hungry cos they skip breakfast, if they are late for school, if they don’t pack the right things, then let them deal with the consequences and they’ll soon learn.

@NettyMumMission i have ME/CFS too.
And i was already ill when they were Y7 and Y9.

At that age, they should be independent enough to prepare their own breakfast and get themselves to school on time.

Youre not mentioning a DH or DP so I’m assuming you’re on your own.
In that case, I would have a chat with both of them and ket them know that from now on, you expect them to get ready on their own, at the right time. If they are late, get detentions etc… their responsibility.
Then work towards them preparing their own breakfast and then waking up in time.
It has always helped my two to actually be awake ‘early’ (7.09am at the same time than DH) so they actually had loads of time to faff around in the am.

Fwiw I’d also start to push for them to take on more ‘chores’ as in putting their stuff in the wash, cleaning their own bedrooms, doing some (simple) cooking. All if this is part if growing up but even more essential if you are so short of energy. Just don’t tell them they need to do it because you are unwell. But because that’s part if growing up - which it is.