How to do school mornings? (I need my spoons!)

[NettyMumMission]

I suffer from chronic fatigue + I'm struggling so much to get the kids up for school. My boys are in year 7 + 9. They are lazy and resist being self sufficient.

How can I get them to do more themselves? What is reasonable at this age?

I've already thought they need alarm clocks for xmas, but its more than just gadgets. How can get them to take on more of the responsibility for getting to school?

In the mornings, I wake them up, get their breakfast, help with getting bags ready, PE kits, etc. I am constantly nagging at them to get moving. I know its not much compared to when they were younger but I am so much worse. I beyond rubbish in the mornings. I am dragging myself out of bed, some days are so bad I am crawling to their rooms to nag them to get up. There is such a knock on effect on my life as well as the lack of energy I have for our time together in the evenings and weekends.

I need to stop using all my spoons getting my kids out the door for school. (This refers to spoon theory, which is energy management or pacing as a management tool for chronic fatigue).

Bags packed and lunches made night before. Clothes out waiting with toothbrushes and paste waiting.

alarms on Alexa for each task.

Is the TV on? I found that was terrible for slowing my DC down in the mornings, I had to ban it and only radio allowed. Agree with other posters about literally everything prepped the night before so there is only the minimum to do in the morning. Is their father about, he needs to have some words with them about helping you as you're not well. The other thing of course is are they going to bed at a reasonable time with no access to screens so they actually go to sleep rather than being up half the night.

Fwiw I am not sure about the ‘making a list with them’ or ‘preparing uniforms and school bags the day before’.

We all have our own routine and what works for us. My dcs have never done that and preparing things in the am is what worked for them. I think it’s better if they can find their win routine rather than I losing ours on them iyswim

Honestly, this is quite ridiculous, sorry. They’re absolutely old enough assuming NT - just lazy, and totally inconsiderate and selfish given the impact on you.

Sit them down and spell it out clearly. Ask them what they think the solution is / where it all comes unstuck. Hopefully they will suggest some of the same things as PP. if not help fill in the gaps. Then stick to it. Support gently in the first week or two but don’t do it for them. If needed no tv, gaming, whatever in the evening til everything is packed. And yes natural consequences at school.

I'll get absolutely SLATED for this.
But my DS is exactly the same (year 9)
My DD gets herself ready with minimal chivvying (year 5) The boy/girl divide is strong in my house.

DS is better now at getting himself dressed/teeth/leaving on time etc.
But I have to physically get him out of bed and get his breakfast. I don't mind this as I'm getting hers anyway. He would get himself cereal if necessary though.

He would literally grab his school bag and take it school empty though.
I pack his lunchbox, drink, check he's got his key, put his PE bag by the door.

It is getting better slowly but at years 7 and 9 I would expect to be chivvying them along for a little while yet.
Do as much as you can the night before.

Lots of posters say "just leave them, it's their own fault if they're late/hungry/forgot kit etc"
Well yes it is, but as their parent if I can minimise them being late/hungry etc I will 🤷‍♀️

What’s the consequence if they are late? If one of them would be embarrassed then that’s good motivation to be fast in the morning. If they forget their PE kit what happens? At my kids school, you wear lost property kit which will have been worn by someone else which massively motivated my kids.
Do they have access to phones in the morning? My son with ADHD had like 10 alarms so he knew when to put on shoes etc so that he could leave on time. He had alarm for the day before Food tech so he could measure out food and on PE kit days his alarm for leaving prompts him to get his kit. On days he has PE, he has an alarm for putting PE kit in wash so he has clean kit next lesson. Making it his responsibility with a natural consequence means that he always puts his kit in the wash on PE days.
If they resist self sufficiency in general it’s time to introduce chores for weekends too. Can each make a simple lunch? Clean up after dinner? The longer you leave it, the harder it will be for them to adjust to the expectations of others at uni and beyond.

Bags packed the night before, including any kit, non perishable snacks etc. Do it in a leisurely manner with them. Uniform also laid out in advance.

use a lure to get them ready in the morning. if they love breakfast say it will be ready when they are downstairs and dressed. if they don;t love breakfast offer them a chance of 10 mins on their phones if they are dressed and have eaten breakfast.

You are shattered but they are young and when we model fatigue at basic tasks, they copy us. (I had post viral fatigue for 3 years and DS2 still talks about the impact it had on him.) Have you given them Vitamin D supplements - might help their (and your) energy levels.

They are secondary school.

They know what time they need to leave to catch a bus or for a lift.

They know what days they have PE as you do.

They can be given time the Eve in before (reminder) to pack.

They have an alarm. They set it. They get up.

If they are late and get detentions etc it'll focus their mind.

Just leave them to it but have a word with their tutors/ HoY first so they know if they are late you are trying to do what you can to get the, organised but it's their fault because they refuse to sort themselves out and that you 100% back up any sanction put in place to help chivvy them along!

Mine are very good at getting ready but there’s no tech at all until they do. No phones/tv/iPads/switch etc
Once washed dressed and breakfasted with bags packed they are allowed to do whatever they want until leaving time
Also - never send them back upstairs! That’s the killer! Everything that needs doing upstairs is done before they come down.

Thanks for all the ideas. Over the years, I've deteriorated while the kids have grown, going from primary to secondary without stepping up much. The saying of "you are making a rod for your own back" is certainly true. Its just so bloody hard when cracking down and showing them how to do stuff is so much more of an energy drain than just doing it yourself. This has been so useful to gauge and get planning to fix this. Will psyc myself up for back to school after xmas, alarms and reminders everywhere and no more helpful mum 👹

The spoons I have available before lunch are very limited. If everything isn't ready to go for the morning before I got to be I can't function.
I would work on getting your kids to sort their stuff out for morning the night before.
When I'm really struggling even making coffee is pushing my abilities so I have the coffee and sugar in my cup before I go to bed.

Finding the time of day where you and your kids function slightly better and set the trickier tasks for then. Mine is still a toddler so won't be applicable for you but it demonstrates my point. I don't have energy during the week and I don't have zero spare energy or time in the mornings so on a Sunday evening when I have some energy I pack her bag for nursery with enough changes of clothes and I pack her a bag for Wednesdays when I have a day off with her. Could they do their pe kits and similar on a Sunday so on the morning where they need it is a grab the bag job.

For getting up I absolutely can not move without my lumie light up alarm. I have heavily sedating medication which makes me as hard to get up as a teenager and this is a life saver! Mine was pricey but I think I have had it 10 years. It also does a sunset which can help you get off to sleep if you find that tricky too.

Thank you for the spoons in your post. It is out and out the best why I have found to describe my fluctuating energy levels and capabilities due to my bipolar.

Also the language you use around your children is useful to think about. They start off as totally dependant tiny beings and your job (assuming absent father as no mention of him) is to get them to independent by 18. They need to be part of the process and not be so passive. It’s lovely being waited on and many would love it all their lives, but not realistic.
What I’m trying to say is changing the language from how exhausting raising the kids is for you, to having small conversations about the next step to independence that they are going to work on.
For example, I never got mine up on once they got to high school , I didn’t make excuses for them when they were late and they got detentions until they quickly got themselves up and on to the bus/ into the car on time.
Fatigue is relentlessly shit so I do get it.

@NettyMumMission except that I suspect they know how to do things. They don’t need you to show them how to prepare breakfast, get up when the alarm rings or chose the right clothes for their uniform.

They don’t do it (yet) because they haven’t had to.
And (you) not doing things is actually not that energy consuming - as long as you refuse to get stressed with them if they aren’t ready!
(stress is a big energy drain for me!)

Have you talked to them about it? Told them how it makes you feel and what they can do to help?

Honestly? I just don’t do it for my kids once they’re at secondary school. If they’re late or forget pe kit or forget food tech or haven’t done their homework they can face the consequences.

I do give them some prompts, eg if ds asks to go out I ask if he’s done his homework first or when I’m doing the shopping I check if there’s anything he needs for food tech. I do their washing but it’s on them to get it in the basket in time. I also make ds a sandwich as I’m making them anyway for younger ones so I’m not completely neglectful but they do need to get themselves up in time and organise themselves.

No way would I pack bags for y7 and y9 assuming no SEN.

I would tell them that from tomorrow you will come in to check they are awake. And you will lay out the breakfast things for them.

Other than that it's on them. If they're late they face the consequences.

I would also say you dislike nagging and stressing and you're not prepared to do it any more.

If they have a problem or need something or help you are very happy to help if they let you know.

But not day in day out nagging just to get to school.

You need to bear the stress of knowing they might be late and not rushing to fix it for them. Not easy! But best in the long run.

I got everything ready the night before, laid table for breakfast before I went to bed. At weekend OH made sure there were 5 shirts each ironed and hung up and enough of rest of uniform. Mornings were still hectic as the latest we could leave the house on my work days was 07:40 and my son has never been a morning person.
Couldn’t plan for the “I need something red for our class assembly today” moments as I was bundling them through the door but we survived.

Y7 and 9 or age 7 and 9?!

Y7 and 9 barring any additional needs should be self sufficient. Dts ate y8, youngest in the class, they get themselves up have a ridiculous getting ready routine, grab breakfast and off they go. They pack their bags the night before.

I thought I would add a comment about me at 14 to my earlier comment.

Teenagers only do what they have to do. My mum was a nurse and worked 7 am -9pm shifts 3 days a week. On days she worked I got up with my dad. He brought me a cup of tea and I had 2 choices get up and make mine, his and my sisters sandwiches whilst he walked the dog. If I stayed in bed he made his sandwiches and I had to get my little sister up to walk the dog or walk the dog myself and then make our sandwiches. Mum phoned not long after dad left to make sure all was in order. I got home from school, do my home work and start dinner. Nothing fancy meat potatoes and veg sort of thing. If dad got home at a normal time her finished it off, if he got home late I did.

If mum wasn't working but had worked the day before she got us up and I made our lunches and we got a lift to school. She cooked in the evening. If she hadn't worked the day before I just got myself ready.

My dad worked abroad in the middle east and the far east from me being 6 to 11 so I have always had to make sure my bag had the right things in and our dinner money £5.25 every Monday morning. I still remember the exact amount needed. My mum always had periods where life was harder and we moved in and out of responsibility. It's important to find ways they can learn to function on their own. It's a good age to give them a nudge. 1st of the month is coming up. That's a great time to start a new habit and gives you some time to think about what they might look like.

I would go with a variant on the deduction or fees model suggested and give them a small set amount they earn more money for doing something but lose for not doing it. So it could be £10 for the month, every day they get up by a certain time the get 25p if they do it without the prompt it's 50p. If they don't get up is -50p. A net swing of 75p-£1.

Do you have anyone else around to help? I'm just thinking as I'm typing that this sounds like a lot of spoons. Even if it was some taking the burden of the planning and management

Visual timer in the mornings
Alexa reminders set "teeth should be brushed by now"
Everything ready the night before
Radio on - i find this helps distract from the rage

Besides the point but they are not lazy, they are having rapid brain development which is causing them to be as tired as toddlers, except they don't get scheduled naps during the day. Calling them lazy is like calling you lazy because you have chronic fatigue...

Don't turn their phones on until they're up, washed, breakfasted and ready for school.