Having a second when your first baby is super high needs

[Zaphiera]

First post so please forgive me if I don’t get this right.

I have an 11 month old baby girl who is the very definition of high needs. She’s constantly whiney, terrible separation anxiety, hates the pram and car, has to be strapped to me in a sling every where we go. Terrible terrible sleeper, wakes every hour and will strictly only go to sleep for me. Is extremely sensitive to overtiredness and will loose her sht at loud noises (e.g hoover/hairdryer).

With that being said we do everything we can to accommodate her, and she’s slowly slowly getting better and easier to deal with.

I have always dreamed of having my 2 kinds and I would like to start trying again next summer causing a 2.5yo age gap. But I’m wondering if I’m absolutely insane because I have no idea how I would deal with 2 babies, especially if I got another high needs baby.

has anyone ever had a similar age gap with a super high needs baby before?

My first was very like your daughter. Having a second (and later, a third) was the best thing that could have happened to her.

Honestly, she didn’t take to her brother at first - she would mostly ignore him or hit him or climb on top of him if he was in my lap, but it taught her to share and it really improved her relationship with my husband as she had to look to him for things that she’d normally look to me for.

Now, 6 years on, she loves her little brothers fiercely and would do anything for them. And she’s still a total mummy’s girl so it hasn’t affected our relationship at all.

Forgot to add the age gap - almost exactly 2 years between them.

I think 2 - 2 1/2 years is a good age gap.

You never get 2 the same, OP!

DD1 was high needs - turned out it was autism.

DD2 was and is a dream. I used to poke her awake after 2 hours because I literally could not believe a baby could sleep for that length of time.

Our first was dreadful for the first few months, but our second was a dream.

I would be inclined to go for it again pretty promptly as two years is the perfect gap.

I misunderstood your post title as meaning high needs = disabled, btw, because I think that’s how it’s usually used, but you just mean a baby who is quite hard work, right?

My first was like this, probably why we ended up with a slightly larger age gap then I would have liked, 3 1/2 years. But it was probably good for her and DS tured out to be a fairly chilled out baby (I know that is not always the case), but it made his baby hood feel easy in comparison. I would just throw him in the sling a d he'd go everywhere with us.

He was much harder as a toddler though compared to DD, it was a bit like they reversed.

I had a high needs baby like yours and felt physically sick at the thought of another child until they were about 3.5. We've ended up with a 6 year age gap (totally accidentally, me and DH had actually agreed to stick with one child) and it's working ok. I don't think my mental health would have survived a child any sooner.

I’ve got 2. Exhausting. Will have been pregnant or breastfeeding for almost 4 years by the time the youngest is weaned. But I’m sooo glad we didn’t and didn’t have a bigger gap (23 month). The eldest adores the baby.

My 2nd is now almost 10 months and both were/are high needs - only napped in a sling for the first 6 months, cluster fed every evening for 8 months, both hated pram and car, hourly night waking from 4-9 months. I won't lie, I was hoping for an easier time second time round but the upside is if your first was high needs, you know what you're in for and that it won't last forever (eldest is 3 now and finally sleeping through-ish most nights, happily goes to nursery and is pretty self-sufficient). No regrets about having the second but I have been absolutely knackered since he was born and am glad he's finally becoming a bit more independent and generally happier now he can crawl and stand up!

We are in a similar position. My daughter was a high needs baby and has additional needs due to allergies and severe reflux. She's 3 now and a 2.5 we hit a good patch and started to feel capable of having a second so we started to explore options.
As well as my daughter being unwell with reflux and many food allergies I developed severe treatment resistant pnd with psychosis and went on to medication that I couldn't conceive on. It took until 2 years to recover from the pnd and I have a 50% chance of post partum pyschosis so until I was fully stable to wasn't an option to reduce the meds.
Since starting to reduce my medication in order to conceive my daughter has had a pretty bad reflux relapse and is now under 2 paediatricians and a dietician to manage her conditions. It's hard to know what to do for the best.

We never want a close age gap. I had a 4 and 7 year gap with my sisters and always liked that went through life at our own pace. If we were to have two we didn't them to be doing GCSEs and a levels at the same time or the cost of 2 in uni. I had friends who did a level exams at the same time as their siblings and found it extra stressful at home! It's another few months before I'm off the medication I'm off and that would give us a 4-5 year gap which I think would be right for us if my daughters needs are met first.

My first was an extremely high needs baby and has turned into an intense, emotional, highly strung, very bright child.

We have just over a 3 year age gap.

Baby 2 (4 months) wakes a lot overnight but is pretty easy going. He gets dragged around to toddler activities on toddlers schedule and mostly fits in. He fusses when he is annoyed/upset as opposed to full blown screaming like DS1 did, He casually fell asleep in my arms on the bus today without a peep - something DC1 would never have done. I’d say he’s a very average baby and doesn’t challenge me too much, apart from his wakefulness!

I thought long and hard about what I would have done if DC2 had been high needs. It would have been extremely hard and I may well have ended up on antidepressants again. However, I think it would have been easier a second time round as I would know it would get easier. DS1 got significantly easier between 12-18 months, basically when he could walk and started understanding language/speaking.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

No only one I had a small gap with was the easy one, the rest of them waited 3+ years

I did and the rest were a doddle in comparison. The eldest has been tricky at all stages but I can report that he got better and better and was great by 17/18.

Firstly your first kid may be entirely different by the summer. That’s 50% of her life over again right?

Secondly, a second kid may be entirely different to your first.

Thirdly, it’s likely your first won’t be super high needs forever unless you genuinely suspect some additional needs? My friend’s eldest has autism, epilepsy, coeliac disease amongst other things - now THAT is high needs! - and her 2 younger siblings have no additional needs.

DD1 was high needs - turned out it was autism.

Absolutely this.

In hindsight all the ‘high needs’ criteria, sleeping for hour long stints, needing to be constantly held, being scared of hand dryers/flushing toilets were the tale the signs of what was to come. And if they’re any chance of this being the case, I’d think carefully or perhaps have a much larger age gap.

Thank you all, I have a feeling deep down she might be on the spectrum because she is very different from every other baby we meet at the same age. She’s an absolute live wire, at play groups she literally spends 45 minutes power crawling laps around the halls whilst the other babies play. She spent the first 4 months of her life crying for hours and hours on end, me and my partner had to take shifts just to be able to deal with it.

I just really can’t decide if I would be able to cope with another high needs baby but from every post I’ve seen and most common, if you’ve had a really difficult one, most second babies can’t match it. A lot of thinking to do!

Just to counter the above points, DS1 was exceptionally high needs. He ‘woke up’ at about 48 hours old and needed so much input to nap thereafter - I’m talking walking at speed outside with him in the sling multiple times a day. He woke every 1-2 hours overnight from birth until we night weaned him at a year old. Never, ever ‘just dropped off’ like most babies do. He cried excessively at every transition. Baths, nappy changes and all forms of transport were torture. Evening colic lasted until nearly 5 months. He cried and whined near constantly from 4 or 5 months until he could walk and talk. He was hell as a baby to be honest.

He’s now 3.5 and it’s clear he’s sensitive, observant, emotional and struggles to switch off. But I currently don’t think he’s neurodiverse. It’s just his personality.

When you say, definition of high needs, do you mean you have medical needs or disability to cope with? Or more a crying baby....

Dc1 was high needs, so for some reason i got pregnant 8 months later 🫠 both my kids are "spirited" (dc1 about to be dx autism) and i would recommend it. They play together/argue together most of the day and gain a lot from the relationship.

Wait and see what you’re dealing with first. Get the eldest sleeping well and consistently, walking and talking and reevaluate. You’ll have a much clearer idea of how life is, and how well you might accommodate another child. If the eldest does turn out to have ASD or ADHD then it’s a lot more likely that a second will too- and there’s no guarantee they’ll be easier.

My DD1 was a velcro baby and a mummy’s girl. She turned into an easygoing toddler who would happily stay with my parents during the day but sleep was hard work and we had to put a rule in place with DD that DH and I alternated bedtimes as I was doing all of it. She’s turned into a really chilled, independent nearly 10yo.

DD2 was a very chilled baby and is now a complete live wire 3yo. Very stubborn and active. She still kicks off when I leave her with my parents even though she’s been going daily since before she was 1!

I’m due DS in April and will have a 10y and 3.5y gap between them all. Let’s see what he’s like when he arrives.

Interestingly, my high needs baby is also autistic! She is also bright, kind, funny, wise beyond her years, super empathetic and the very best daughter I could ever have wished for.

I left a 5 year age gap for this very reason although mine wasn't as bad as yours. I was strict on sleep. ! Why don't you wait till she settles. Mine is a lovely girl. She just needed me for longer. We have an amazing bond because I gave her all the time she needed.

I have a 10 year gap between my dc, and DC1 was a dream child!!!

Everyone will tell you a different story because everyone is different. You could have 2 very different children. They could be identical. Your DD could grow out of her current behaviours. She could get worse.

My DS was 2 by the time I contemplated being ready to have another one. You don’t need to decide now, just wait and see. The change in my DS from 1 to 2 has been huge.

He’s still “sensitive” and a bit clingy, but now mostly happy and much easier than the constant wailing and clinging to me that he used to do when he was younger. He was literally just never happy poor thing.

I’ll have nearly a 3 year age gap by the time my second arrives. I am kind of dreading the newborn stage but I want 2 children and kind of want to get the baby bit over and done with.