Having a second when your first baby is super high needs

[Zaphiera]

First post so please forgive me if I don’t get this right.

I have an 11 month old baby girl who is the very definition of high needs. She’s constantly whiney, terrible separation anxiety, hates the pram and car, has to be strapped to me in a sling every where we go. Terrible terrible sleeper, wakes every hour and will strictly only go to sleep for me. Is extremely sensitive to overtiredness and will loose her sht at loud noises (e.g hoover/hairdryer).

With that being said we do everything we can to accommodate her, and she’s slowly slowly getting better and easier to deal with.

I have always dreamed of having my 2 kinds and I would like to start trying again next summer causing a 2.5yo age gap. But I’m wondering if I’m absolutely insane because I have no idea how I would deal with 2 babies, especially if I got another high needs baby.

has anyone ever had a similar age gap with a super high needs baby before?

DC1 was a high needs baby, although slept better than yours and had calmed by about 8 months. But the first 8 months were hell. She is an absolutely delightful 6 year old now and has been pretty easy since she completed her babyhood. Completely neurotypical. Just wanted to reassure you that not all high needs babies turn out to have additional need!

Unfortunately DC2 is equally as high needs, and it has been hard. We nearly didn't have a second because DC1 was so awful and it took until she was nearly 5 for me to feel ready to TTC! DC2 is nearly 8 months so I'm hoping he magically grows out of it too 😂

But it has tested me to the max and if the age gap were any smaller (and DC1 wasn't somewhat independent) I honestly don't know how I would have coped

3 years 7 days here... Ds came first, complete with severe reflux, cmpa. Didn't sleep more than an hour in one go overnight until almost 2. He turns 5 in January, and the last time he slept through the night (I'll add that I still co sleep due to his need for high calorie allergy milk overnight still, he's very underweight and has food problems) I went in to labour with his little sister. Who is 2 in January... He would sleep 8 hours a night when he started sleeping for a few hours at a time. Which is obviously not enough for either of us!

DD is a lovely, easy, healthy and mostly chilled out little thing. Good sleeper, good eater. They're my opposite children. Having her has been incredibly healing for me mentally.

Me and dp both work full time. No support. It's not been easy but we've managed. Dp was very touch and go over whether there would be a second - I was willing to risk another like my first, with the benefit of hindsight, as many of his 1st year problems were health, which we now were educated on - but we did, and we're all super glad (but tired)! Ds says dd is his best friend, she follows him like a puppy.

DD was a high needs baby (and to reassure you is now 3 and fairly chilled out!) and I got pregnant unexpectedly when she was 1.

I really, really freaked out about it but someone said to me that I’d be amazed at how much more independent she’d be by the time the baby arrived and it was true. With your first you have no idea how much they’ll change in that time - DD couldn’t have been more different by 20 months compared to 12 months.

DS turned out to be another high needs baby and it was super hard work with 2 under 2 but I knew it wouldn’t last forever. He’s 18 months now and starting to calm down so much. I think I’ve just had two babies who get really stressed out by not being able to communicate!

I do think though it was sort of a blessing in disguise to fall pregnant accidentally because I wanted 2 but wouldn’t necessarily have been brave enough to take the plunge to start TTC again post DD 😂

My age gap was 15 months and both children as babies were SO hard. The first year was so so difficult. However, they are both 3 and 4 now and it is literally the best thing ever. They entertain each other and care for each other so much.
I would go for it, to get me through thr first year I always thought to myself that it will get easier.

Ds1 was certainly not easy as a baby and I naively thought he would get easier so had ds2 when he was 21 months. Ds2 was not particularly easy either and found having him as a baby and ds1 as a toddler incredibly tricky. However we are crazy and had ds3 just before ds1 was 4.

I actually loved that time - ds1 was a bit easier and ds2 was lively but manageable and ds3 was an easy baby.

I am glad I had them all so close together. Whilst it was tricky at times it was also incredibly fun.

It has turned out though that ds1 is autistic and ds2 is both autistic and has ADHD. No wonder they were challenging!

I would give yourself a bigger age gap between baby 1 and 2. Maybe aim for 4-5 years gap so baby 1 will be at nursery/school and that bit older. It’s difficult with two little ones so maybe give yourself an easier time and have them further apart.

Completely agree with this advice

I had an idyllic lazy baby who slept for hours right from the word go. Id have to wake him every 4 hours. At 40 he is still Incredibly laid back. I never dared have another one because I knew the next one would be a firecracker.
I was just like him. My next sibling was the baby from hell, so bad my mother had a mental breakdown, no sleep for any of us for 5 years and the last sibling was like me and DS.

My first was easy until they turned 18 months when he became really difficult. I still wanted another though so we tried and then had twins! I'm not going to lie the first three years was pretty hellish but I love it now and wouldn't change it. My first is still very challenging though and I think always will be.

We laughed and said “a second baby couldn’t be harder than this one!”

He was worse! Both autistic, it turns out.