Is there something I’m doing wrong?

[12weeker]

Sorry this is a bit long but thought I’d lay out all the details! My 12 week old hasn’t been the easiest, he is generally fussy and although very smiley, also cries a lot.

his fussiness has started to calm down recently, where we get more periods of him being content than before. Generally this is when we’re out and about so he’s got lots to look at. He otherwise gets bored quickly, and fusses quite a bit

He gets easily overstimulated so although the contentment is nice it generally comes at a price as he is SO hard to get to sleep and If he’s over stimulated he will scream and cry when I start shhing him. He is a nightmare to get to nap even when not stimulated but worse if he is. He does EVENTUALLY go to sleep after about 15 mins of shhing, bum patting, aggressive rocking. Nothing else works. He rejects a dummy despite trying this. He started to eat his hand a couple of weeks ago, which I hope is the beginning of self soothing but not there yet. At night I feed him to sleep so that’s better. He wouldn’t feed to sleep for a nap, he regularly gets p*ssed off with me when I offer boob!

I have a fast let down so he does sometimes get very fussy / cries when feeding. Sometimes he doesn’t seem to care though. Sometimes he cries when I even just start to get him on the boob. He is EBF on demand (rejects a bottle but we’re still trying to work on this…) I’m now today going to try to space feeds out more as perhaps he’s just not as hungry? I tend to feed him whenever he wakes up from a nap, so it’s about every 2 hours I’d say

His naps generally last about 30 - 45 mins. He has napped for 1 hour before but it was a one off I think. Not a clue what I did differently. After such effort to get him to nap, this is so annoying! I try to get him to sleep as soon as his eyebrows go red, his first sleep cue

he wakes up through the night every!2-3 hours. I’ve started offering a dummy at night which sometimes works, otherwise I feed him.

im just not sure if there’s something I am doing wrong with his napping, and whether this is making him over tired, fussy, etc? I’m a bit at my wits end with it and feel like WHEN will he be a normal baby. Everyone else’s seem so much more chilled, easy etc from 12 weeks but mine just dowsnt

hes also been way more fussy the last few days is this developmental?! Just feel like we take 1 step forward, 10 steps back constantly

I do drink a coffee a day and lots of chocolate, I gave it up for a while and it didn’t seem to make a difference but will try again I think!

I’ll also try just putting him down for a nap and leaving him. How long did yours cry for? He will cry and probably struggle to know what’s even happening! so then do I leave him or how do I get him to settle? Maybe my excessive sleep routine is winding him up but it does seem the loud shh and aggressive rocking are the only way

Whatever you're comfortable with and listen to his crying. If he's actually really crying and you feel uncomfortable, definitely pick him up at this age but if he's just grizzling or making other noises then give it a little time and see what happens.

Since you said he gets easily overstimulated, it is possible and worth a try to see how it does in a dark room with no distractions or stimulation.

I used the pick up put down method with mine but I do think that may be too overstimulating for your son. They are all different, it's just trying to find out what works and sometimes, the answer to that is just giving it some time too.

No, please don't leave a 3 month old to cry 😔why is it a big deal if he needs your support for 15 mins to nap at this early stage?

Honestly it does sound normal, my baby didn't self settle until 6 months plus and I've got friends whose babies still don't at 2 years old. 15 minutes doesn't sound terrible and if you keep consistent it will reduce over time x

It’s not so much that it’s 15 mins it’s more how much I need to do! My back is wrecked. If I just had to shh for 15 mins I wouldn’t care. Often he gets put down and wakes up so I have to repeat it all.. Also the fact he cries when I just start the process, having my baby cry countless times a day is just so hard day in day out! Also he only naps for about 30 mins on average so it’s a bit frustrating it takes so long for such short naps

Maybe don't put him down for so many naps? He might settle naturally into one long nap (eldest was like that) rather than a couple of 30 minute rests.

I let the baby establish the routine that worked for him/her. It felt an easier route than trying to get the baby to fit into a set structure.

Some months that was up at 6, a nap at 9:30, then another nap in the afternoon. Some months it was up at 7:30 and no morning nap. What each baby needed was different and changes as they went through developmental stages.

Well my first thought was 'only 15m of rocking, awesome' as tbh it's not very long. Your baby sounds like a very normal child for his age. I honestly think the issue is more with your expectations than your baby.

This parenting thing is hard and you've just left the starting block. It's a shock to your system. I'm not going to say it gets easier or when because that's very subjective and something you realise in hindsight.

Personally I've found the first 3 months the easiest, followed by the next 6m. But some people find newborns the hardest! Then for me very hard from mobile baby through to toddlerhood. Then up and down with periods of ok and periods where it's really hard.

But my kids still don't sleep through at 4 & 6, and my 4yo (still naps due to medical reasons) takes about half an hour of daily pacing with her in the sling to get her to sleep. Bedtime for my 6yo takes 2 hours (and yes we are getting professional help for this).

What i will say though is that things change. You biggest challenge now probably won't be in 3 months. It may be harder even but at least it'll be different.

My baby is very similar to yours, though four months old. I'm happy though, because I just expect it to be challenging at times. I think the only thing you're doing 'wrong' as such is expecting it to be really easy all the time! The holding/rocking etc all sounds totally normal. If your back is struggling due to some pre existing issues then maybe you can slowly 'wean' your baby off being walked around by sitting and holding them instead with some new sleep associations like a piece of music.

OP there's a wonderful book called 'What Mothers Do' that may help you. One of the many fantastic points the author makes is that if you undervalue the importance of the care you are giving your baby, it can make everything harder. I'm not explaining it well but honestly it's well worth a read.

Thanks all, you’re probably right in that I’m expecting too much (probs comparing him too much!). I’ll have a read of that book, thanks for the recommendation ☺️