Guilt around breastfeeding newborn baby

[fizzyfangs]

I have a 10 day old baby who was born on 3rd centile. We had to stay in hospital as she had a few low sugar episodes but she passed the repeat tests so discharged last week.

my plan was always was to EBF and while I was on the ward the midwives encouraged this and kept saying that I didn’t need to use formula despite baby having low sugars - I just needed to BF more which I tried to do. BF initially was difficult due to latching issues - these have improved now but latching is still not 100% as her mouth is so small.

on D5 baby lost 6% of her body weight and I’m waiting for the MW to see me for her D10 weight (should be today, but no MW availability). I’ve been trying to BF at home but I’m realising more and more it’s not the best thing for her as she’s still hungry after BF so have been combi feeding for the last two days and she’s so much happier (+pumping but I’m not producing much)

I have so much guilt around not being able to EBF and feel so ashamed about my body not being able to do something so natural. I’m also so worried that by listening to the midwives about carrying on with the EBF that I’ve caused long term damage to my baby by essentially starving her for 10 days of her life

i know there’s nothing I can do about the past and I just have to move forward but would appreciate any advice/reassurance on how to work my way through the guilt about not being able to BF and anger towards the midwives

Congratulations on your new baby and welcome to mum worry from now on. Trust me this is a big deal now but in the years to come all that matters is she is fed and doing well. If she needs a top up she needs it, the milk you are giving her is still good for her. I mean the breast milk is still good for her even if she's having a top up.

I'm sure you have done her no harm.

I was in a very similar position 2 years ago. Listen to your instincts. If your baby needs more to eat while you are still improving with the breastfeeding then so be it. It is one of the hardest things to accept at the time. I ended up exclusively pumping for 9 months and introduced formula as a top up when it was needed. There's loads of benefits to breast milk so keep trying to feed/pump but don't beat yourself up. You are more than just a food source. You need to be mentally well too. You're doing really well! Your child won't suffer because of combination feeding - PROMISE!

Both of my babies lost a load of weight when I ebf. Despite intense feeding plans, expressing and top ups. And I know exactly what you mean about the guilt of not being able to feed them and that the weight loss has damaged them somehow.
With DC1 I changed to formula when she was a month old. I just couldn't manage any more and it was impacting on my mental well being and how I felt about my baby.
With DC2, I promised myself that I wouldn't put on the same pressure but ended up in the same situation.

I suppose I felt like I needed someone to give me permission to stop and to tell me that I had tried hard enough.
I think a lot of mums feel that way.

I have no advice but just wanted you to know that I get it. 🌻🌷

Not managing to EBF my eldest still hurts and he’s 10 next week. Try not to be me! He’s a healthy, fit, clever, kind and brilliant boy. Having some baby formula had no ill effects on him. I’m sure you’re doing great x

Do you have an Infant Feeding Team in your area? Please don't assume you don't thinking you'd have heard about it if there was one. Often local areas have one but midwives/doctors don't mention of refer to them (I found a leaflet about my one in the bumph I was discharged home with, but no midwife, nor doctors/nurses in A&E when we were admitted on day 3 ever mentioned them!). They can really help, whatever way you decide to go feeding wise. Sounds like you really need some some words of support. Those first few days are tough, full stop, it's hard when you're really unsure what's happening feeding wise. All the best OP.

This is like us! We had a tiny baby who lost 14% weight on day 5 so we were readmitted!

We topped up on formula to get us home and it’s continued she have boob when she wants for as long as she wants and if still hungry she gets a bottle!

My supply tanked when my father died but we’re still breastfeeding when we can but if it doesn’t work she has formula! It’s a crazy mash up and I did beat my self up over it for many weeks but fed definitely is best and as long as we’re happy and healthy that’s all that matters now!!

Sending hugs

I had a similar experience :( some MW were really supportive when I struggled to breast feed (I really wanted to EBF) but other MW made me feel like I was a failure of a mother. I ended up very depressed and anxious and by the time my baby was 2 weeks old, I only fed my baby formula milk. I still feel guilty every so often (she's a few months old now) but I'm getting better.

I had a 2.5 percentile baby with jaundice who lost 10.5% of their birth weight so I absolutely feel you! (the limit is up 10% that they would like to see, babies do lose weight after birth so don’t let the 6% worry you too much😊) Due to this I was put on a top up with bottled BM as advised by the midwives. I remember the guilt and the tears that I wasn’t able to feed my baby properly myself and failing them . We were then hospitalised when they didn’t eat for an extended period of time and was extremely sleepy (combo of the birth weight drop and jaundice). Despite this formula was not mentioned but expressing to top up and boost supply was so I persevered. To be honest I’m glad they did and supported my wish to breast feed as we are EBF at 10 months and all the weight gain issues seem like a life time ago!

I think your midwives just probably want to support Breastfeeding best they can with perhapse a limited knowledge. As others have said fed is absolutely best! But if you want to keep breastfeeding, know that you are not alone when you find it is Infact bloody hard work!! People label it ‘natural ’ wich of course it is but leads you to think that it should come as second nature for both of you when it absolutely doesn’t! It’s a skill both if you have to learn and supplementing with formula while you do is absolutely fine! I have found breastfeeding support groups on Facebook are extremely helpful if you don’t have a lot in your local area. Very rarely are you starving your baby with breastfeeding (please feel no guilt that you have!) as early days are a long slog of cluster feeding (please google) which is never discussed much I don’t think and makes many people feel they have failed at BF / not producing enough milk / baby is being starved. It’s a natural way of them putting their order in for further feeds 😊 there are also many Facebook support groups on combi feeding as well if that’s a better option for you that you may find useful, these will help you balance pumping and feeding to ensure you don’t effect your supply.

Good luck with your feeding journey, be kind to yourself 🥰 Fed is best.

If combination feeding works for you then that’s great, stop there, do what suits you and enjoy your baby.

But if you want to EBF…at ten days you will likely be doing very little but feeding. Feeding near continuously, especially in the afternoon/evening/overnight and being seemingly insatiable/often cranky is called cluster feeding and it’s how they build your supply. As long as she is peeing, pooing and not dropping too much weight your supply is fine. Newborn babies will chug down a bottle as they are programmed to suck. Just be careful that knocking out too many cluster feeding sessions with bottles of formula will affect your supply and potentially reduce your ability/duration of breastfeeding.

Your hormones are making you feel guilty but think with your head. All that matters is your baby is Feb and not hungry. Pump milk after a feed every 3 hours and drink loads of water, you'll soon start making more milk. In the meanwhile top baby up with formula milk.

Im sure you are aware as well, but 6% weight loss at day 5 is normal and to be expected. The vast majority of babies lose up to 10% in the first 5 days before then gaining.

i don’t understand the panic?

I was told by my feeding team that up to 10% was normal on day five? Babies lose weight after birth. It’s normal.

my dd lost 11% of her birth weight on day 5 so I was slightly over the limit- but we persevered and we were back on the right trajectory by day 14.

top ups were never mentioned. Just as long as there were enough wet nappies, it was fine.

can you speak to an actual lactation consultant?

She will also appear hungry because she is cluster feeding to build up your supply- it doesn’t mean she is being starved and you need to do formula top ups. It’s very normal to do nothing but feed in the early days.

your midwives sound shite and you haven’t been given all of the right information

NOTHING in your post is concerning. It’s all normal.

Please don't worry-it's perfectly normal for babies to lose some weight.

The best way to stimulate your supply is to go to bed with the baby and stay there all day feeding and dozing and watching crap TV and eating snacks.

But it's also completely OK to formula feed.

As the first comment says, this feels like a big deal now but will honestly be a blur in the future looking back. I formula fed baby #1 and have mixed fed #2. I now feel guilt for not doing it last time. I planned to switch to formula before 2 months but I found expressing to actually be okay so have kept going. I now feel guilt at the fact I want to stop but feel like I should keep going now as it’s going well and I didn’t anticipate that being an option 🤦🏻‍♀️

You’re doing the best you can do. You only want the best for your baby, whatever that involves. I saw a comment on here saying with anything BF related you can’t plan in advance and should just take it one day at a time rather than trying to plan when to stop etc. As long as your baby has been fed today and you’re okay then don’t worry about anything else 😊

Congratulations on your baby!

I really wouldn't advise relying on midwives for breastfeeding advice. It is very often not accurate. Please google an IBCLC in your area and arrange a home visit- they are worth their weight in gold. Much much more knowledgeable. Or a La Leche League leader. They'll be much better able to advise :-) Good luck!

Exactly this.

I think this is something that really needs to be emphasised more to those who are wanting to breastfeed - in the first few weeks you will be feeding non-stop. And it is so easy to doubt that your milk isn't filling the baby enough.

After that things are likely to get easier, but the support of a partner/network to keep you fed and the plates spinning while you spend 2 weeks topless on the sofa is invaluable in having a good breastfeeding journey.

Having said that, fed is best. And there is absolutely no shame in using formula OP.

Very similar position here except that we were advised to combi feed from day 1 as baby born on 1st centile. By week 3 I was EBF as he had gained enough weight. Don't beat yourself up, you are doing exactly what your baby needs based on your instinct

Nothing wrong with combi feeding! Do what works for you.

btw supply can increase later on if you put baby to breast more once they’re a bit older and better at efficiently feeding.

my first baby lost 15% of his birthweight by day 5 and I was EBF. They said I could try for 2 more days and then I needed to do formula. He got back to birth weight in 3 days time. And bf was easier from them on. It can be normal to have a rocky start

weight Loss after birth is totally normal and expected! Only losing 6% is amazing and you are already doing really well!

between days 6-14 after having a baby is emotionally a really shit time though your hormones are everywhere so don’t Beat yourself up.

you baby is still wanting to feed after breast feeds probably because she is clusterfeeding and going through her 10ish growth spurt so she is trying to bring in your supply so keep giving her the boob even if you think she’s getting nothing it’s helping you produce more.

try to drink loads of water. Eat as much as you can (oats are good). Try to sleep when you can and really don’t pressure yourself you are doing amazing and you will get there

Let me just give you a big hug and say there is no shame or guilt to be felt! Breastfeeding and advise on breastfeeding can be a bloody minefield at times. Go with your instinct and feed baby how ever you feel is best for her.

She will be fine, the weight will be put back on and she will continue to thrive.

I was unable to bf despite countless attempts so began to formula feed almost immediately. I did pump for the first couple of weeks and that's when they get colostrum which is good. Op, my ff baby is now a very bright, strapping 18 year old! Don't feel guilty, i love my boy more than anything but some mums/babies just aren't made to bf.

Most breastfed babies will lost 5-6% of their birthweight by day 5, up to 10% weight loss by day 5 is considered within the normal range. Were you not told this on your day 5 visit?? A couple of my own babies lost more than this and have grown up perfectly fine.
Its not unusual for breastfed babies to want to feed or be held constantly either, my last one would feed for 12 hours at a time non stop but grew very quickly, he just liked his food and still does!!

Congratulations on doing a breast feed
Congratulations on making it through your first day
Congratulations on just 6% weight loss despite the challenges. My daughter had 5% on 9th percentile so I know every gram feels huge at the bottom of the curves but my midwives reassured us that it's a perfectly normal amount to have lost. She had gained half by day 10 and the rest by day 16.
Every breastfed from here is amazing whether you solely breastfeeding, do 50:50 or just one feed a day. If you decide this is it for you, you are just as amazing!

We had feeding challenges that started in the early days and didn't get a resolution until 5-6 months when we realised that the looking at my breasts and screaming like they were poison was down to food allergies. I battled through breastfeeding. It was fking hard at times and kind people saved me. I attempted combi feeding but at 10 months we made the move to allergy formula. My daughter did well on breastmilk. I wish I could have gotten combi feeding to work and in the end she also did well on formula. Breastfeeding can be easier and simpler but there are many ways to feed a thriving baby. My dad was born 3 months early in 1960s weight 2lb3oz he was sent home at 36 week gestation corrected 8 weeks actual weighing 5lb8oz with instructions to be fed condensed milk instead of formula! I do not recommend it but a baby needs calories and sugars and protein and fats and some additional nutrients. The source breastmilk or formula or foul tasting allergy formula it's all good. Cut yourself some slack.
Best of luck and congratulations on your wonderful baby

Congratulations on the birth of your LO.

I echo what other’s have said, you are being far too unkind to yourself. And all this talk of what bodies SHOULD do needs to be reframed. Before formula there were wet nurses, because- shocker- BF doesn’t work for everyone and never has. As people have mentioned at this really hormonal time for you, the last thing you need is for your mental health to suffer by beating yourself up unnecessarily. If that means combi feeding to keep your baby healthy and your mental health in tact, so be it. In fact, if it means you only FF, then so be it. Formula is NOT poison, it’s a legitimate and nutritional way to feed a baby. It may feel like a huge thing right now, but as time passes this stage will be a distant memory, and you can feel guilty about letting your ten year old have MacDonalds twice in one week instead 🤣

Welcome to motherhood, where nothing goes to plan and you just have to make it up as you go.

You’ve burdened yourself with mum guilt already, which shows you are trying your best and what you are doing is already great.