Guilt around breastfeeding newborn baby

[fizzyfangs]

I have a 10 day old baby who was born on 3rd centile. We had to stay in hospital as she had a few low sugar episodes but she passed the repeat tests so discharged last week.

my plan was always was to EBF and while I was on the ward the midwives encouraged this and kept saying that I didn’t need to use formula despite baby having low sugars - I just needed to BF more which I tried to do. BF initially was difficult due to latching issues - these have improved now but latching is still not 100% as her mouth is so small.

on D5 baby lost 6% of her body weight and I’m waiting for the MW to see me for her D10 weight (should be today, but no MW availability). I’ve been trying to BF at home but I’m realising more and more it’s not the best thing for her as she’s still hungry after BF so have been combi feeding for the last two days and she’s so much happier (+pumping but I’m not producing much)

I have so much guilt around not being able to EBF and feel so ashamed about my body not being able to do something so natural. I’m also so worried that by listening to the midwives about carrying on with the EBF that I’ve caused long term damage to my baby by essentially starving her for 10 days of her life

i know there’s nothing I can do about the past and I just have to move forward but would appreciate any advice/reassurance on how to work my way through the guilt about not being able to BF and anger towards the midwives

It's very early days - there's nothing in your post that suggests you can't continue to breastfeed. Can you access some breastfeeding support ? Midwives are often poorly trained. There are various breastfeeding support lines and charities like La Leche League. I think you need to talk what's happened so far through and you may be able to resolve everything and move forward with ebf if that's what you want.

A few things to be aware of: how much you can pump doesn't tell you how much baby is getting. If the baby is constantly wanting to be attached to you that can be normal and cluster feeding to build up your supply - although can depend which is why talking it through with someone with expertise a good idea.
There are things you can try to improve latch and it may be that as baby gets older and bigger it improves too.

Breastfeeding is a skill you and your baby need to learn together - unfortunately support for it in the UK is poor and midwives often don't have much training or the necessary time. Be kind to yourself.