Partner ‘shouts’ at child, without raising voice

[Orangepen13]

Looking for some thoughts

My partner is a secondary school teacher, and an authoritative one at that (think the ones that always picked up uniform). As long as we’ve been together, I have taken issue with him talking to me like a pupil. It’s like this, it’s never quite yelling but it’s aggressive, directive and at times patronising. I often respond “don’t shout at me” he responds “I wasn’t shouting, I didn’t raise my voice” (and continues to use the same tone of voice as he tells me off for telling him what to do). I understand part of the problem is my use of the word “shouting” which is not technically correct.

Anyway, we now have a 2yo and he speaks to her the same at times. This morning at breakfast, she was struggling that we were having a convo and pushed his hand. He pushed her hand back and said “don’t push, you’re being mean, you’ve made daddy sad” but in that shouting-not-shouting aggressive tone. Same argument ensues. I just find it so disrespectful and refuse for me or dd to be treated as if some kids at school who haven’t followed the rules. I know she needs boundaries, but I still feel she deserves respect and don’t think aggressive tone is needed.

First, any other partners (particularly of teachers) relate?
Second, am I being over sensitive as he’s not shouting? Is this just a valid way of being boundaried?
Third, help?! This has been years now and I have no idea how to describe to him the impact his tone has, or that we’re not at school!

Wife of teacher here.

I occasionally get the "teacher voice" if he's very busy or stressed at school and deal with it along the lines of

"Ooooh are you gonna put me in detention sir?"

"I'm a good girl. I don't fuck teachers. Now snap into husband mode if you know what's good for you "

"Alright, calm down miss trunchbull, I'll do it later "

I'm clearly not going to become a stand up comedian any time soon but he will laugh and say sorry for teachering you. He's from a family of teachers and they all do it so it's pretty ingrained. It did dramatically decrease when one time I snapped - you never accidentally teacher voice your boss or your mates or a random guy who's built like a boxer so start thinking of me as an equal and you'll find it easier to remember.

Also I made it clear that I wouldn't tolerate our toddlers being spoken to or disciplined in the home in the same way he deals with a 15 year old being a dickhead. It's not developmentally appropriate, it doesn't promote a good parental relationship and frankly it's just not going to get the results he'd want. You have to speak in an appropriate way - that can still be strict, but it should ultimately be age appropriate and in a loving way

As a trained teacher he should understand. If he can't, you have to wonder at some point if he's just a power hungry wanker.