Those with one child....

[Mushi83]

I keep hearing friends and acquaintances say their families are complete when they have their second child. It makes me feel like I am doing something wrong by not having another child and that my family is 'incomplete'. I have an 18 month old daughter. I don't know if physically, financially or emotionally I can manage another child. Does anyone else feel like this? Did you stop at one child and then regret it later? Thanks in advance for your thoughts x

I've got a 13mo DS and I've said since I was pregnant that he'd be my only one. After having him I just knew that I couldn't cope mentally, physically or financially with a second. The way I see it is that his whole life he will have absolutely everything I can give him be that emotionally, physically, materially etc. my focus will always be him and he will know he is the most loved child in the world. Siblings don't always get along and as I say, everything being split means less everything each. Don't feel guilty for wanting just one, you're going to be the best parent you can be and your child will grow up knowing you chose to have only them😊

Mine's 18 years old. I feel totally complete. I'd have been a dreadful mother to more than one, and I have given her all my time, energy and been able to give her what I wanted materially. She's the light of my life and I adore her but I'm really pleased I didn't have to do it more than once.

I have a toddler. If I’d been younger and had another 3 or 4 years to consider a second then maybe it would have been a possibility. But I’m older and I don’t have that time and being a mum to 1 takes everything I’ve got.

I'm an only child. My mum clearly felt her family was complete because she had her tubes tied shortly after I was born! As far as I know neither of my parents ever regretted this decision. I had a wonderful upbringing with many advantages (not least from a financial perspective). If you want to stop at one, go for it. I think it would be much worse to have another child because you feel it's expected of you.

I have one DS who is 10. I had him when I was 40. I always wanted another but was too old and it never happened. It took ages to accept I was one and done. Now I'm glad I have just him and I'm lucky in that he has never said he wants a sibling. I could never have afforded another anyway. He's more special as he's my only one ❤

I feel very similar. 18 month old toddler and my head swims with ‘should I think of having another’ - but I don’t think I’m cut out for more than one (sometimes even just the one is a tall ask lmao). I try to tell myself, if I really yearned for another and wanted one, I’ll cross that road. But I don’t at the moment. It’s more like abstract worrying and wondering. Many parents (my mum included) suddenly felt the urge when their eldest was about 4 or 5 - and that’s when I then came along. So I’ll wait and see if that happens to me but I’m just trying to go with the flow.

Also my partner has a child from a former relationship so he has 2 already now, and so do I by proxy (of a sort). So financially we are a 2 child family already! I have to remind myself that another child would make it 3, not 2, and that would be really difficult with money and space.

I had my DD at 41 so I am not having more. I just try to think it as it is what it is. I am content with just her. I don't have a need to have more and TBH I couldn't go through those first 12 months again.

I am currently 38 weeks pregnant with my 2nd. My 1st is 3.5, I honestly couldn't think of anything worse than having a 2nd when she was 18 months and I didn't even start thinking about getting pregnant again until she was gone 2.5.

I just couldn't have done a smaller gap feeling many of the feelings listed above. No idea how it will go when baby arrives but hoping for the best. Just posted to say that when your child starts to be more independent you might chance your mind, or you might not x

Well different people have different views. I didn’t feel ours was complete until I’d had number 3. I can’t imagine having another!

It makes me feel like I am doing something wrong by not having another child and that my family is 'incomplete'

They're talking about their family.

Some people say their family was complete when they had their third child, some people say it after a fourth. And some people say it with no children.

I personally don't really know what people mean when they say it. I don't want any more children but have never experienced a sense of "now my family is complete". I'm not doubting it, I just didn't have it.

If you want to stick at one, then you should do that.

Maybe because they only want two? Perhaps they don’t want to just have one?

My dh said we were complete at one but I didn’t agree. Don’t take another persons word, look at what makes you happy.

I hugely regretted it during Covid. My poor little one was so lonely and thought all his friends didn’t like him anymore. He just didn’t understand too small. It makes me so worried about dying and leaving him all alone
if there’s one thing I could change in my life it would be that.

I'm sorry but I never understand comments like this. My parents died when I was young and I've never had an ounce of support from my so called siblings, you're thinking up a fantasy in your head of siblings who are the best of friends who'll always be there for each other but just like any other relationship it's often not like that in reality and it's naive to think otherwise.

Same. One of 6 we barely speak. Sad but true.

I was devastated when l was told l could have any more babies without IVF cos l knew l didn't want to go down that road.
DD is 12 now and although sje is a good girl in general, l know l wouldn't have the capacity to deal with another child now.
Plus she is happy being an only.

I wouldn’t worry- I have 2, I have friends who have 3 and still want more- each to their own.

We have one, he is more than enough for me, we get to spend so much quality time together, there are no competing demands for time, he is happy and confident with other children and adults, I see no downside.
I have a sibling we get on fine, but we're not close and after just very different people. We wouldn't be friends if we weren't related, although we do share a sense of humour. I know for a fact when it comes to elderly parent care etc it'll be on me, along with any decisions etc to be made. DH is an only and perfectly happy with that.

Think it’s a bit self involved to assume it’s often not a good relationship. I come across far more good sibling relationships than I do bad ones.

I come across far more good sibling relationships than I do bad ones not to derail the thread but totally agree-
MN is a weird place, in my life everyone has a decent sibling relationship.

As for the poster who said there’s no downside to their having an only child- bizarre, there’s downsides to 2,3,4 kids- there’s downsides to everything.

I didn't feel anymore complete when my second arrived, just more knackered! I don't think there's anything wrong with sticking at one if it works for you.

I've got one, our family was and is complete with her. She's just recently turned 16 and she's been very happy being an only, even relieved when her friends have been going through dramas with their siblings and step siblings.

However I will say don't use other people's relationships and families as a yard stick against which to measure your own. What completes your family will be very different to what completes someone else's. My mam felt her family wasn't complete until child #7. Do you want 7 kids? I certainly don't. But it worked for her. Figure out what "complete" means to you and your family, don't worry about anyone else.

Sorry I know I'm not the person you asked, but I have three and felt that my family was complete after the third child.

That does not mean that I think families with two or one child are incomplete. Just that for me I didn't feel done having children at those numbers. I think everyone's sense of the right family size for them will be different.

It is really a colloquialism that means "we don't want any more children" but also, I'd always had this idea of having multiple children in my head and so it did feel like no, there is meant to be another child in our family, one day. Now it doesn't feel like that, so it feels like that chapter is finished or that our family is complete. That's all I can really describe it as! It's definitely not a judgement on anyone else's family. It's more about the sense that I had, before DS2 and 3 were born, that there was something "missing" or still to come.

If infertility or other circumstance had prevented us from having more children it would have been something that I'd have had to come to terms with I think.

I have one; he's 4.5 now. I said during pregnancy that I only wanted one and that feeling has pretty much got stronger every day. I very much feel that our family is complete.

We are a happy family of 3. I know families with 3+ kids and families with zero kids. Don’t compare yourself to other people, it’s a slippery slope to unnecessary dissatisfaction with your own life. Time whizzes by so quickly, so don’t waste it looking to others and what you have or haven’t got in comparison 🤗

You have to do what is right for you, not what you think you ought to do or follow what others do.

I have 1 who is 14 now. He has SEN and learning difficulties and I honestly thank my lucky stars we have one pretty much every day. Because it has meant we have (quite frankly) more disposable income to make his life as good as it can be- with therapists and accessing education that caters to his needs as well as being able to pay for quite significant medical treatment that are not available on the NHS or which have crippling waiting lists. That is obviously not everyone's situation but it also means that we are more able to focus on enrichment and development experiences for him. If we had more than one I know that his life would be negatively affected due to simply being unable to afford it!

So I am very very happy that we have 1. That is what was completely right for our family and our situation.