Those with one child....

[Mushi83]

I keep hearing friends and acquaintances say their families are complete when they have their second child. It makes me feel like I am doing something wrong by not having another child and that my family is 'incomplete'. I have an 18 month old daughter. I don't know if physically, financially or emotionally I can manage another child. Does anyone else feel like this? Did you stop at one child and then regret it later? Thanks in advance for your thoughts x

I only have one. A decade on and it was the right decision for me. I manage one, I wouldn’t have managed more. I prioritised her above risking it all, I had terrible PND etc and I chose to get well and just enjoy the child I have. Don’t regret it for a minute.

My only is 19 and at university - I’m not remotely sorry I don’t have a second with the classic two-year age gap therefore coming up to A-levels! There’s no missing child, I had wobbles when she was younger but never actually wanted another. She made it easy for me by wanting an OLDER sister when she was small - definitely can’t provide that. Then there was a brief period in her earlier teens when being a sad lonely only child was a bit of a thing for her (tbf far worse things a teenager can hang their angst onto). That wasn’t so great. But it is what it is and she’s fine now.

I felt my family was complete when I got two kittens - but I definitely don’t think everyone needs cats!

My son was not planned, 2 months premature and we both nearly died when he was born. I couldn’t even look at pregnant women without feeling physically sick for years after. I just made sure I filled his life with extended family holidays with his cousins so he has family connections with them. He’s happy and doing well makes friends easily but likes his own space too. Don’t focus on what you haven’t got focus on what you have.

I have one child, although not through choice. He's nearly 16 now. I'm glad I just have one as he's been able to have a childhood that was far better for him than if he had a sibling financially and emotionally.
I have three siblings and I have very little to do with two of them and nothing to do with the third. I might as well be an only child.

Agree with you. And even if they are close young, they won't necessarily be when they are older.
My beloved gran died 7 months ago. My mum is one of 4, and she did all the care, assisted by me (I live overseas - I have taken 20+ planes this year). Her siblings did sweet bugger all. I think one has been on 7 holidays though - plenty of time for that.
I have no children yet but I said to her, I won't be having a big family. Seeing her experience of it, I'd rather not thanks.

I have 1 dd (20 months). Before she was born we both were adamant we wanted 2. But since she arrived for various reasons we’ve decided she’ll be our only child. There’s lots of factors but mainly our family feels complete now, we don’t feel like we’re missing anything or that we want a second. I think it’s totally normal to feel your family I complete with one child. I’ve never even felt the tiniest bit like we should have a second. You know what you want

Yes- both my parents are one of four. My father is sort of close to one sister and won't speak to the others. My mother does not speak to one sibling at all (his choice- he has gone NC with the whole family) and she runs around enmeshed in an unhealthy co-dependent dynamic with the other 2. She is 75 and they are 80 and 85 and are still stuck in the groove they were in as children. It's caused her nothing but pain. I am an only child and have always been grateful as I have observed my parents toxic sibling relationships my entire life.

I feel complete with our one DD. We had over 4 years of infertility and loss before she arrived though and so I am extremely grateful to have her.

We have one child and our family is complete, I really don't care what others think about thr number of their children, it does not make us any less complete

Your friends are closed minded sheep I’m afraid! I didn’t feel done after having my second 🤷🏻‍♀️ did instantly after my third. Being one and done is totally fine, perfect in fact if that works for you!

We’ve got one by choice. I actually miscarried planned DC2 when DS was 2, we had more of a think and decided that we were best off as we were.
He’s 10 now. I’ve never thought in terms of our family being complete but it was the right decision for us.

Yeah maybe I am a bit self absorbed I just grit my teeth a bit when reading about the guilt of one child being alone when parents die, as quite honestly my life would have been easier to have been an only child. And I do know of many other instances where siblings aren't close as adults and don't all support eachother in life.

Your family is complete when you have the number of children that is right for you, whether that’s none, one or seven. I have one child and have never felt there is anyone ‘missing’ from our family.

I'm one of three and always thought I'd rather have none than one. Even when we were doing Ivf I was always disappointed when there were never any eggs left over to freeze as I hoped that might give us at least a chance of having a sibling. But around 3 months after my DC's birth I had what i thought was a pregnancy scare and instead of being overjoyed that we might have conceived naturally, I felt overwhelmingly that I had somehow betrayed my child. Simply couldn't compute the idea of another person in our family unit. I definitely knew then and there we were one and done! It was more something that was revealed to me rather than a decision I made - and my husband felt the same, partly due to the traumatic circumstances of the birth, and also because we didn't want to our baby's first years to be marred by the stress of IVF. Have never regretted it, even during the lockdown when i had to be 'the playmate' 24/7! I feel like the breathing space we have as a result of our greater emotional and financial resources has helped us both to be better parents. We're both quite stressy perfectionists so the chaos of a big family would never have worked for us - we just didn't realise it because we'd never been parents before! Hopefully for you it will be a realisation you arrive at rather than feeling like a gamble you have to take on your/your kid's future, or a social convention you have to comply with. My DC has never lamented the lack of a sibling, she would actually rather have a dog

I never understand all these comments that only child will be alone when their parents die. It's not as if only children live in some island with just their parents and will make no other meaningful connections throughout their lives. Many only children by the time their parents will pass on will have family of their own, in-laws and close friends. Its very short sighted to think that siblings are the only meaningful close relationship a person has.

My son will probably be an only for many reasons posted on here. I have two brothers and I'm actually looking forward to the fact I can completely cut them out my life when my parents pass away, they add absolutely nothing to my life. I know many people in similar situations too.

Thank you to each and every one of that has taken time to reply. A lot of it is what I would say to friends in the same situation but it's hard to give myself the same advice for some reason!
Other factors that are making the decision tricky is my own negative experiences with my sibling and the fact that we have embryos left after ivf for the first. This has been incredibly helpful so again thank you all so much

Just to follow on from previous posts, there's a brilliant thread on here called One Child Families. When I was going thru the sadness of never being able to have a second child, the people on that thread really helped me come to terms with it and find my way through to acceptance and i learned just to be thankful for my one and only. Thank you to those posters. I hope you find peace too.

That's such a lovely and kind message BooseysMom. Thank you and I am so glad you had that support

I felt complete after one

Following with interest
one DC
feel no urge to do it again and worry if something is wrong with me because of this
I have siblings that I have little relationship with. We just have next to nothing in commmon. Also all neurodiverse (DC is too) so that is prob a part of it. Emotions all a bit overwhelming.

We didnt stop but I think we probably should have. DD2 is amazing, but there are a lot of negatives around having a second child

Please could you share some of them?

Thanks Mushi83 💐

I had my DS at 44, so I was lucky to get my only child.
He’s three now, and I could have tried again… But no.

I just wanted one, so it’s never really crossed my mind.
The only time I’ve thought about it, is for his sake…