MIL favours SIL kids and own mother too busy with new bloke

[Cyeo123]

SIL literally lives round the corner from us. We see MILs car there every other evening and every weekend. 3 year old DS starting to realise she’s there all the time. We see her every fortnight for about 10 minutes after she’s left SILs. Sad thing is my son absolutely adores her and calls her his best friend. Definitely a lot of favouritism going on and it’s making me resent her and my SIL and her kids. Childish on my part but it sucks. It especially sucked when we used to see her driving past in the early days when we were struggling (and yes we had made it known we were struggling). She even said before any of us had kids that ours would be closer to my mother, like she’d already decided she wasnt going to be that involved. We brought it up once, and I was told “it’s a mother daughter thing” and has since said “all she ever wanted was a daughter”… poor DH got shoved out when SIL was born. Is it only me that thinks that is just wrong and unfair. Why should she automatically be closer to her daughters kids than her sons. Her son is her child too. My own mother isn’t involved either. I can’t imagine ever only bothering with my daughters kids and not my sons. Or not bothering at all in my own mothers case (who lives 5 mins away and I used to think we were close but then she met her new boyfriend when DS was born then that was that). My sons really only got me and DH and I guess I need to focus on us.

Forget her.

Don't force someone who doesn't want a relationship with you or your family.

I'd cut her off tbh and I'd just continue focusing on what's important.

It really does suck. I'm sorry. She sounds insufferable.

I'm going through something very similar so I really empathise with how you feel. It hurts on another level when your kids are left out. The only advice I can give you (I'm still trying to take this advice myself), is just to focus more on the love you and your partner have for your children and that love will always be enough for your babies. They don't need people around them who make them feel less important, and frankly, neither do you. Trust me, I know it hurts, but she won't change and the best thing you can do is protect your kids from feeling less important by cutting her out.

It's the same with our family, both sides. I just take a deep breath and remind myself that my kids are MY (and DH) favourites. And at least I don't have overbearing grandparents butting in all the time, because they are busy with their other grandchildren.
Honestly would you like your MIL around your house all the time?

This is so sad, but realistically you can't change her. You can't make her. The 10 minutes is at least something. Can Dh arrange to pop over to hers with ds at the weekend?

It seems to be common as I have seen quite a few threads on here about this. It's unfair but you cannot force them.

Why should she automatically be closer to her daughters kids than her sons

As wrong as it is, I do understand how this happens. Your MIL already expected any children you have to be closer to your mum than to her. When you think about it, naturally a lot of women are closer to their mum then any MIL they may have. That means they see them more often and naturally the DC see them more often too.

MIL has her own daughter who naturally, would go to her first before going to her own MIL. It’s wrong to assume this will be the case before any children have actually come along but I can understand the mindset. She may not even realise that your mum is barely involved as she probably assumed that your mum is at your house as much as she’s at her daughters house.

It’s half 4 in the morning so I’m not sure if that all makes sense. It’s unfair as she should treat both of her children (and grandchildren) equally but I can see how one would assume that their DIL would want to spend more time with their own mum

How on earth is 3 year old DS starting to realise she’s there all the time
3 year olds are not observant! Stop talking about MIL in front of your child.

Would you really want your MIL around every other night and all weekend? I doubt it. Thank your lucky stars and accept 10 minutes every fortnight (which BTW is plenty!) Is all you need to put up with her for.

And remember this when your mother and MIL are elderly and need help. It comes around very quickly. 10 minutes every 2 weeks is all you need to give them of your time!

I wonder what your mil side of all this is?

I'm just going to give a slightly different perspective based on my experience, but I'm not dismissing how horrible and isolating this can feel!

My OHs SIL could've written this post about our MIL. I know our MIL spends more time with us than with OHs brother and girlfriend. But I also know it's not favouritism, it's just that we put in more effort. We invite PIL over for food, we visit them multiple times a week, they don't. They rarely visit PILs and think if PIL wants to see their grandchild, they should be the ones to travel. Just when I read We see her every fortnight for about 10 minutes after she’s left SILs it got me thinking about this situation. Does your DH make an effort to visit her? Does your SIL?

That said, the comments she made were completely unnecessary and your DH mustve found them horrible to listen to!!!

We have this although sil lives closer to pil. (About 10 min as apposed to 45 min)

I found it hard when ds was young especially as we were having a rough time and literally had no support. Whereas sil and bil had both dgp supporting.

Now ds is in school I've found it easier to let go. I also ask dh to deal with most of contact - sorting meet ups/ birthdays etc as I felt resentful making the effort for little return.

Us pulling back a bit led to them making a bit more effort and now we have found a place that works for us.

Hard to say. How often does her son invite her over/phone to chat/spend time with her/relate to her interests? If he is like most men and doesn't do much unless it suits him and on his terms then it's not surprising she just does 10 minute visits. If he has really tried, then yeah that's a bit shit.
It's totally normal for women to be closer to their daughters and their children. You have a son. One day his mil will be monopolising time with the grandkids as well.

Bloody hell, you do realise this is bollocks?

My DH has always made a massive effort with his mum and I love her. My adult DS makes loads of effort with me and we are really close. Close to DDIL too and we see the grandchildren as much as her DM.

It's this old trope that causes so much trouble.

People believing it leads to hurt on both sides. Please can we stop perpetuating the myth that all men are useless and all women bitchy and cliquey.

Also I wish someone could have given MY mother the memo that daughters with children need more support than sons 😂😂.

Love her dearly and she was always very fair but I always felt in a squeeze my brother might just have the edge over me. He might feel the same about me, to be fair. I ought to ask him 😂😂😂

My son loves cars. Particularly my MILs as it’s a bright unusual colour. He sees it driving past and cries. He then sees it parked outside his aunties and gets upset. Doesn’t take a child genius to put two and two together.

Bit of background info, FIL out of the picture and has nothing to do with either of his kids so going to her house is impossible due to her circumstances. So she has to visit us. We invite her for dinner and send messages (that get ignored). Effort is made, but ignored. It’s like she doesn’t need her son and her daughter is enough. Or that’s how it feels.

I still don’t accept the “mother daughter thing”. A child is a child. If we have another I will for certain treat them equal, can’t get my head round it at all. She knows my mothers not involved. And she would see my mothers car at our house if she did make an appearance as me and my SIL live round the corner from one another. It just makes me so sad for DS who has so much love to give but neither grandparents deserve it IMO. We feel majorly disappointed with both sides. Keep trying just to concentrate on the 3 of us but sometimes it just gets to me.

@ZekeZeke three year olds recognise family members cars! Don't think it's especially observant.

To the OP, we have this, but it's my mum and my sister. I didn't mind the favouritism when it was just me so much, but now I have a toddler of my own it really hurts to see him treated as second best. My mum has my sisters children every day before and after school, was full time childcare when they were preschool, buys them clothes, takes them out etc.

I've said to mum shes welcome to get mine from nursery early anytime she likes so he can go to the park with her and his cousins etc, or join for tea, and she's not done it once in over a year. I've mentioned a couple of times how sad it is to see the discrepancy in treatment between grandchildren, and she has cried and denied it. But nothing has changed. To make it worse, we all live within five mins of each other, and while she constantly helps my sister with everything, it's myself and my partner who help her with nearly everything when she needs it.

I don't know what the answer is. I know I need to let it go, as do you, but it does sting. It's horrible to think the left out grandchildren will properly notice and understand one day. At the moment he's too little to understand.

Hi OP, this is very similar to my MIL and SIL.

I can’t do anything about it and I’ve actually decided their relationship is very suffocating. My mother lives 115 miles away so I don’t see her often plus she helps my brother out with his kids so makes it harder and she works! So tbh when she has time off she likes to go away which I understand.

You have to focus on you, your kids and your DH. Fill your lives with all things you’d like to do together. Ignore MIL and don’t force it.

Exmil exactly the same. Favours her daughters over her sons, favours granddaughters over grandsons, there's a hierarchy of grandchildren based on gender and gender of parent. My son, being the son of her least favourite son, is last on her list. Fuck her.
My children are older now, and know it's not personal. Deeply unpleasant. We distanced ourselves as I found it disgusting and intolerable. Now separated from ex, he takes them to visit his parents, my kids come back to me telling me how much she still goes on about their cousins.

My MIL is now deceased but she adored my DD and my SIL's child equally.
However I do see these dynamics played out in lots of families. It's sad if you want more involvement from you MIL.

My heart breaks for your toddler. Crying when he sees her car and calls her his best friend. That is so sad.

I'd cut contact with mil over it, and I'd tell her exactly what I thought of her first. She can shove her 10 minutes a fortnight up her arse. The golden child sil will no doubt take mils side so prepare for that.

Is moving a possibility? It seems cruel for your so to have to watch the favouritism close up almost every day. Out of sight, out of mind?

We hope to move in the near future. I can’t wait.

So you can't go to hers due to some goings on with FIL?

You've invited her round and she declines invitations?

Have you and your DH tried asking her?

"MIL we would love to see more of you. DS really misses you and you might not know that my own DM doesn't have much to do with us. We notice that you are often at SILs and we would love it if we could have a closer relationship with you particularly as DS talks about you and calls you his best friend"

If she declines and/or fobs you off, then there's your answer.

Yup. We’ve tried that. She bothers a bit more for a week or two then it goes back to how it was before. Same with my mother.

It's so sad that youve said it to both mums, and neither really bother. It's horrible. Maybe moving will be for the best.

How're things with your SIL? Could you or your husband pop around to their house with your son when you see her car there? Or have you tried that and it didn't go well?