My children's behaviour and location cause constant arguments with my husband.

[flingaling77]

My daughter 8 and son 5 are not the easiest. My son used to be very aggressive and is still very demanding and bossy. He was unbearable during lockdown. My daughter has started having lots of strops recently. When their behaviour is challenging, my husband and I start arguing. We live near my mum and the opposite side of the country from his family. We get some help but not loads. He resents where we live and the fact my mum doesn't help as much as his parents do. How can we stop arguing? We can't have a weekend away unfortunately. Any advice gratefully received!

What does he do to try to manage the children's behaviour?
Have you ever sat down together and agreed strategies and rules that the both of you will follow re the children? If not, that would be a good thing to do.

It sounds like you're not on the same page. Are you blaming each other for the children's behaviour ?

When your children's behaviour is challenging, you should not be responding to that by turning on each other. That's when you need to work together as a team and focus on dealing with the behaviours.

How often do you and he each have solo time with the kids so the other can get a break?

Does he get cross with the children, with you, or with the situation?

Bear with me. People only usually suggest couples counselling or parenting classes when things are really dire. I think that they are much more effective and likely to work when you’ve got a specific issue like this and you both recognise it - ‘When their behaviour is challenging, my husband and I start arguing.’

You need to work out why DD is suddenly having behaviour issues.
You need to work out why DS is still being aggressive.
You need to work out a plan (with or without GP help) on how to manage the above.
You need to be in agreement with parenting and discipline/consequences prior to an issue.

Have you?

He does help as well but as we don't get much of a break, we both are just running on empty in terms of patience and both want the other person to deal with it.

We do take turns at the weekends but I feel our relationship is dying as we have no space to work on it. We are too exhausted by the end of the day.

Why are they your children?

Why did you not say "our" children?

Is he their step-dad or their bio dad.

If step, then he clearly has no idea about how to be a parent and walked in entirely unprepared

If bio, then he clearly has no idea about how to be a parent and needs to learn to be a decent parent

son 5 are not the easiest. My son used to be very aggressive and is still very demanding and bossy. He was unbearable during lockdown

But he'd have been barely two years old? Could you clarify. I may have misunderstood.

What sort of example are you setting your children? I think both of you need some parenting classes so you can be consistent and support each other.

My son's behaviour was due to a severe speech delay. It has improved a lot but I would say we were traumatized by lockdown and not being able to avoid the dozens of violent tantrums everyday. My daughter's is a precursor of puberty which a lot of my friend's children are experiencing.

Terrible twos combined with a speech delay??!!

I'm glad your children are angelic and you are a perfect parent

You may not be in real life but you are coming across as resigned to the behaviour. Yes, most children have tantrums etc but there are often ways and means of dealing with them. What have you tried and are there any additional needs (even if you only suspect rather than know about them)?

Woof. Sounds very tense.

It does sound to me that you could really do most of all with some time to be a couple again.

Has the option of moving near his family come up? How do you feel about that?

Nobody's got spare money these days but if you have any cash at all I would prioritise making a relationship with a regular babysitter - ask at local nurseries or maybe a TA at their school? See if you could afford 2 hours a week on a regular evening and do something fairly cheap like a soft drink at a pub or going for a swim. Just a regular break for you both to be together.

Speech delay and violent tantrums? Sound like meltdowns to me.

Is your son autistic OP?

I think it's something to consider, because the violent tantrums can't always be helped if they are meltdowns. Meltdowns happen whether we want them to or not, but learning what can trigger meltdowns with a sensory profile can help avoid unnecessary stimulus which can contribute.

Understanding why it happens can also open up more doors to patience.

I didn't say that or even suggest it.
It seems that your husband is critical and unhelpful, you are arguing about the children's behaviour, an outside, expert perspective can be helpful. You seem aggressive and defensive if anyone offers a suggestion.

How often are you and your DH arguing? This will affect your children.

Sounds like you are in a vicious circle of, bad behaviour from children, too exhausted to deal with it, bad behaviour from adults and repeat.

I agree with the pp who said you need a plan and that includes a consistent approach with support if you need it.

Parenting classes doesn't mean you are bad parent it means someone who can look objectively, understand and give you strategies to help you get out of this behaviour pattern and move forward.

Firstly, you’re asking for help, which shows you’re reflective and open to changing things.

DS: how is he in school/ what do teachers say? Are there any problems post-speech delay diagnosis?

DD: again, what do teachers say? How do you deal with the strops?

Lots of us in same position as you re: help, unfortunately. It does get easier as they get older.

Has your son had a full assessment of needs? Any parent I know that describes life like this, there was a diagnosis. I hope you are ok.

OP many people don’t get help with their dc. DH and I don’t get any, it’s been years since we had a night together and never a weekend away(my eldest is 13). It’s not unusual but yes it can be intense and tiring. If you feel you and he need some time together then utilise a babysitting service.

You and he need to work out why is going he with your children to cause poor behaviour and work on that together.

He is in school now and behaviour is better but he is still very bossy and demanding. I stand up to him calmly when I have the patience and not let him get his own way all the time but that is also tiring. Both children are good at school. Thank you for your understanding.

He is a lot better now but it has been tough. I did get a asd assessment but he isn't.

Could you both try and attend a parenting course together? If you’ve got a strict framework for a unified approach with strong boundaries and clear consequences you should see an improvement in behaviour.
Also think about how you are both filling your own tanks. Can you both plan an afternoon off parenting each so one of you can go off and do something that fills up your cup

i can hear in your post how angry and fed up you are.

It sounds like you’re both just reacting and being cross.

what do you all do for fun and enjoyment. What’s a usual Saturday like?

The arguing is modelling behaviour on how to talk and resolve conflict so I would look at what the argument is. I grew up in a shouty household, my Mum would shout at us for misbehaving, never talked to us, just shouted. Same with my parents, any disagreement was immediately raised voices, sarcastic tones etc. It took me a while to realise my friend's parents didn't do this. They were able to diffuse situations with humour and love for each other. Really opened my eyes.

If your Dh is thinking that if you moved location you would get more help, how true would this be, realistically? Are his parents retired or working? If you visit them or they visit you how much help do they give?

If your DD is not exhibiting this behaviour in school then it is because she knows the rules at school and the consequences. Do you set out expectations before you leave the house or in the home, that you are expected to behave a particular way ie sit at the table to eat lunch. What would be the consequences for not doing it?

Does she do these tantrums at other people's houses at play dates? Or is it just at home/with you, her parents?

Her behaviour will also be modelling behaviour for your 5 year old too. It does sound like you are both exhausted from working and relatively young children. Any friends who can do a play date swap with you? Any activities you can enrol them in jointly/at the same time to get a break?