Should your life fit round your children or vice versa?

[chocolatekeyboard]

Earlier on, my friend posted a cute photo of her and her little boy watching Strictly together. She was drinking a glass of prosecco and he was snuggled up to her. It struck me as odd and I realised its because our little boy decides what we do when he's up, what we watch and I don't really wind down until he's in bed. It's completely my own doing and I wonder if I adapt my life too much for him rather than let him fit with how I want our life to be.

What is your life with children like? Do they fit with you or do you fit with them? No judgement from me either way, just wondering what works best for you.

Maybe he chooses to watch Strictly! My DS loved it when he was little!!

Overall I think a balance is needed. I do a LOT for my kids but I also care for myself too. It's harder when they're younger but as soon as they're 3+ you can start putting yourself first sometimes. How old is your DC?

When we're together, we do what is best for the kids. We take them to activities they'll enjoy (soft play, swimming, library etc) and we watch things on TV that they like.

When they've gone to bed or are being looked after by someone else, that's our opportunity to watch Top Boy or get smashed or eat spicy food or whatever.

But generally if we're with the kids all decisions are made based on their preferences and what's appropriate for them.

It’s somewhere inbetween surely? You don’t lose you identify as an individual just because you’re a parent.

Yes, like @evryevrytime, lots of our plans revolve around the children. Finding it harder now they stay up later though as that’s a lot of hours doing child-centric things 😩

Bit of both tbh and then obviously they ( 2DC) also have to fit around one another and there are compromises there. I wouldn’t watch something age inappropriate in front of them but if I want to watch Wimbledon and they don’t, tough.

Both of course!

It's really not good for it to be always one or the other.

Its a balance.

With something like strictly... yes I did watch it when mine were young. They sometimes watched it, sometimes played. But it was suitable watching for them.

All members have rhe family have an equal right to enjoyment. That means sometimes enduring other members preferred options.

Balance is desirable in my view. I didn't expect my dd to just slot into my life without making any changes, but equally, I didn't raise her to think that the entire world revolves around her. A bit of give and take on both sides, basically.

I came on to say that life fits around the children. I think it still does though, in your example. Your friend didn’t put her child to bed so that she could watch in peace, she let her DS stay with her and carried on interacting with him. It’s perfectly appropriate for family time on a winter evening.

Up till the age of 3 when they still
napped for several hours a day, I accommodated their schedule as it made my life much easier having 3 hours in the afternoon to myself and non cranky children.

After that there was more balance but I wouldn’t have extremely inappropriate stuff on the Telly while they were awake. Dance shows or game shows etc would be fine. But I couldn’t really relax before bedtime anyway as it was always too busy.

This is basically my stance too. As with any relationship it’s about balance. Of course my life changed when I had kids and I made many compromises but that doesn’t mean everything revolves around them and they know that. H and I deserve some down time too and we get it because it’s important to us. You can’t draw from an empty well and literally no one benefits from parents who have no lives/enjoyment of their own.

DS fits into ours, within reason.

This was what we did until our younger one was about 3/3.5 and now we have started to have more of a balance - partly because I think the kids are now able to enjoy more of the things we do.

E.g. we now do some more cultural things on holiday and generally they can find something to interest them in catherals, museums etc. We also do some child focussed days too.

We aren't that into TV so that doesn't come up much

Both, my husband & I are not just mum & dad we're our own individual people as well. As someone else said above we didn't want our daughter growing up thinking the world stops just for her.

I do think if you are at the point you can’t watch an hour of family friendly TV of your choice on a Saturday then it’s probably at the point you need to readdress the balance

Absolutely this.

I definitely go hard on the child appropriate activities etc for some of the day, then find any way to do what I want to get a break- even if it is a bit of a juggle/engineering the situation to mean I can do what I want. I see some parents kill themselves to keep everything child focused and the kids can't entertain themselves at all. We find it easier to spend time with other like minded parents. So we would have a day out with a walk, stop at a play area for the kids, get them an ice cream, then sit in a pub and let them eat crisps/ drink a coke, look at a screen etc to give us some time to socialize and have a drink. I can't be doing with hovering over kids constantly and believing you can't do x because the kids will make it difficult. Sometimes you need to make it work by sheer will to keep a bit of yourself

As they get older it should become more balanced. It's never healthy for someone, child or otherwise, to be put front and centre for everything, you are people too and it's healthy to present yourself as having wants and needs and prioritising those sometimes too so they can mirror that as they get older and have some self worth too.

It's easier as they're older because you will find mutual things to watch/eat/do together that aren't quite as painful as Bluey or whatever kids are watching these days, and for me this is the funnest part of parenting. But equally, some nights I will say I'm watching X tonight, join me or leave me in peace!

A bit of both. I think it’s really important that kids realise the world doesn’t revolve around themselves. The should feel loved, secure and special. They also need to learn others have needs too and they should put others first sometimes - otherwise they are going to grow up to be a divorce waiting to happen.

I definitely lost my identity when I had children

If you ever only do what your eldest child wants, its harder to balance if you have subsequent children.

A mix of both! I find it odd that you found your friend watching strictly with her ds odd. Was it the Prosecco you disapproved of?

Balance as others say. It’s important for DC to learn about compromise and the fact that other people have different likes. For example we take it in turns to choose (age appropriate) films for family watching or which takeaway to order.

Yes this. We generally do child centred things but we also do a lot of things where it meets all of our needs, e.g. today was national trust place so lovely walk with friend, kids played outdoors. Other days we do soft play, library, parks, more fully child centred, but then usually the other part of the day will have been me expecting at least some independent play at home while I do housework. I also do a lot of listening to music, books, podcasts while I go places with them, e.g. they'll play at the park while I have a coffee in my travel mug and listen to a podcast. They are 3 and 1 so I still have to give a lot of input but it definitely helps being a bit more hands off.

What is best for the family at that moment in time.
I have Wednesdays off work with my daughter we are more swayed towards her needs. The weekends are a mix.
Week days probably more shifted to the adults as we only have 1h between getting her from nursery and putting her to bed. I have 30 minutes between getting up and leaving so at both ends of the day we need certain things to happen at certain times.