Should your life fit round your children or vice versa?

[chocolatekeyboard]

Earlier on, my friend posted a cute photo of her and her little boy watching Strictly together. She was drinking a glass of prosecco and he was snuggled up to her. It struck me as odd and I realised its because our little boy decides what we do when he's up, what we watch and I don't really wind down until he's in bed. It's completely my own doing and I wonder if I adapt my life too much for him rather than let him fit with how I want our life to be.

What is your life with children like? Do they fit with you or do you fit with them? No judgement from me either way, just wondering what works best for you.

Interesting! I think I do need to readdress the balance a bit. It's become such a pattern now, the waking hours are all about him and I don't even notice. It's probably not right that I saw my friend including her child in something she enjoys and found it odd. Sometimes I think it's because me and DH work such long hours through the week, we feel it's nice to let DS lead. Saying that, it can definitely lead to burn out for the two of us.

A balance depending on current wants and needs. I watched my mum lose herself in motherhood and it made me determined not to give up absolutely everything because I'm allowed to have wants and needs as a parent and I think it's healthy for children to see that too.

@chocolatekeyboard how old is he? If it's not something you're used to doing start off gently by finding something you'd BOTH enjoy together, if you give us his age we can give some ideas :)

Just turned 3 :)

if just turned 3 then you’re getting to the stage where interests will start to dovetail a bit better. Around that age I introduced my DS to golden age Disney films one rainy Sunday when we were all a bit unwell with a cold. When we go on walks he knows I like to take my camera out with me & that we might need to stop for a minute whilst I get a good shot. I’m happy to go to soft play, library, children’s farm etc and join in with the fun, but if I have ordered a coffee I will take 10 mins to drink it & he can either sit quietly with his own drink/snack or entertain himself. Balance is key!

Mine are grown up now, but sometimes it was one and sometimes the other. Strictly was a must from the beginning!

@chocolatekeyboard ah yeah so don't be too hard on yourself, he's still very much an age where you kind of have to revolve around him, the great thing being he has a bedtime so you get time to yourself in the evening! Lots of tag teaming with your DH too if you need something for you. Oh and I loved a 'day date' when he was at nursery!

But that was around the age I tried to get him into Disney films, some of the films from my childhood, anything that wasn't CBeebies (obviously CBeebies was still around for a while yet).

Then as he got older it turned into things like Jurassic Park, Back to the Future, ET, then older still we watched things like Goosebumps, Saturday night tv like ant and Dec, doing things like going out for a meal or a hot chocolate (not terribly fun when they're 3!), he's a teenager now and we go to the theatre, day trips to London, cooking meals.

Anyway I do lots for just me too, as does he, but just trying to show you will find some common ground as he gets older too :)

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Everything involves the children, which is exhausting

We took them to a garden centre today and I could have cried

I work full time and I'm just done in

However, the youngest is 2.3 and I know things will settle soon and in a few years I'll miss these days

Atm we are stuck between going to bed when she does to catch up on sleep, or sitting up to spend time together/watch Netflix because it's the only time we get

Its a mixture but also don't underestimate the power of them being able to stay up late and watch 'adult' TV that's a valuable treat right up to teenhood. I often put boundaries in place so DD felt things were a treat or earned it gave the activity / film etc more value - a bit like how schools give value to 'Star of the week' or taking the sodding class bear home.

If you want to watch strictly next week then get him ready for bed and let him sit and watch TV with you maybe with a couple of chocolate buttons as a treat whilst you enjoy your own treat / drink. But explain to him it's a grown up show and if he doesn't watch it he can play quietly with some toys on the floor or go to sleep. Sharing Saturday night TV is a lovely time in our house when we settle after a busy day, we've moved on from Strictly to satirical shows now DD is older and it's one of my favourite times of the week.

I think it depends on the age. I'd love to do what your friend was doing but with our 2 year old it would be thoroughly unenjoyable. I wouldn't even bother attempting it. When she is awake we basically fit everything around her needs. As she gets older I expect the balance will start to readjust. But to be honest, I am happy with our current approach - she's happy (most of the time), we're happy and I feel we get enough of our own time once she's in bed.

Our oldest us almost 2. There's balance, because a lot of the day is things for her (& baby sister), playground, feed the ducks/pigeons, soft play, farms, toddler groups etc. Plus a couple of hours of cbeebies.

But, I do put on some non kids TV stuff a little in the day in the week, and an hour or 2 on the weekend. However, with her age I put on something average that I don't mind only half watching. I save my fav programme's for her nap/after bed. Because otherwise I don't get to full focus on it and enjoy it properly!

When she was a bit younger I'd do some jigsaw puzzle when she was around, playing on her own or watching one of her programmes for an hour. Can't do that now as she wants to help, which doesn't work with a 1,000 piece jigsaw 🤣

My ds is 15. My life has revolved around him since birth - I'm a single mum - but now he's happy to be left revising while I go out for the evening, I'm taking every social opportunity that comes my way.

I don't begrudge him the years, I've done a good job, and now it's time to balance things up a bit 😊

Our lives are very child-centered - we do activities that the dc would enjoy, fully interact with them throughout the day, our house is set up for play, and we don't have much child-free time. I wouldn't opt to do a mainly adult-orientated activity with my dc. I don't feel like I'm sacrificing time for myself though, more that I've made my peace with this being a child-focused period of my life, and I will get time to myself once my youngest is in school (I'm a sahm and I have no plans to give up my free time for an employer once they're in school). I also go to bed late, so I have time to myself in the evenings and I like to optimise their awake time for activities that are most stimulating for them.

Also it helps that we have a lot of interesting activities around here that are family-friendly but still interesting for adults and children - lots of (critically-acclaimed) theatre, classical music concerts, immersive art shows, galleries, museum exhibitions. I actively enjoy planning out a schedule of weekend activities for them and picking out places to go. I don't feel I've lost my identity, more that my identity has branched out to more family-friendly activities (e.g. I would have gone to other exhibitions in the past but not all of them are that interesting for kids, so we go to the ones that are). As my eldest has got older we've been to see shows that are aimed at children, but I enjoy watching in its own right. I'm looking forward to when she's old enough to start going to the West End musicals and ballets!

It should be both. It's not good for kids to think that they are the only people who deserve their needs and what's being met. You are all in a family and you are all important and should be cared about and listened to and needs and wants factored in.