Breastfeeding guilt

[Eliffant]

I have a 5 week old DD and at her 5 day check she had lost too much weight so we had to start giving her formula. Despite doing everything advised, I haven't been able to increase my milk supply so she's almost entirely on formula now. I offer her breast at every feed but she has a full bottle after so I don't think she's getting anything from me. She is, however, gaining weight again and healthy.

But I can't get over the guilt of not being able to feed her. I feel like she won't be bonding with me as I'm not feeding her. I want to give up expressing after every feed as I'm not getting more than a few drops, but I feel like this is giving up completely. As stupid as it may sound, I feel like I'm less of a mother because I can't feed her, and I just feel generally awful.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this really, just after some support I guess.

I don't have any words of advice. My dd is 2 weeks old and also dropped a lot of weight and is now having expressed (I don't get much) or formula top ups after each feed. She was just on the cusp of needing to be admitted to hospital due to the weight loss and jaundice, so logically I know it's best for her, but I too have the guilt. Interestingly I saw an NHS lactation consultant today and went through my history etc and she things it might be my thyroid, gestational diabetes, anaemia and high bp (and meds) all combined that have contributed to my low supply. I also don't particularly enjoy breast feeding - I find it quite claustrophobic and painful (dd has a posterior tongue tie). For now I'm going to try and pump after every feed to try and up my supply, but I'm going to try and remember that she's now overall eating well and more importantly gaining weight well and no longer jaundice. The guilt is awful isn't it. Are you getting support from the right people?

Seek support from an independent lactation consultant if you want to breastfeed. it isn’t too late to feed, if that’s what you want.

what you express does not = what your baby is getting.

what exactly were you advised?

You have done a brilliant job. Let me start off by saying that. I just know that much.

Breastfeeding is hard. It is a taught and learned skill. I don’t know where you are, but if it’s anywhere like here (Ireland) there is not enough support for breastfeeding mothers. I breastfed my first and I found it so hard. I had no help bar some online bits and I muddled through. I’m currently breastfeeding my near 4 week old and I’m struggling again. I better able to advocate for myself and my DD2 but it is still hard. And I’m finding it very hard to get the proper support (unless I pay through the nose for a private lactation consultant!). I’m just trying to muddle through, while also feeling enormous amounts of guilt for probably feeding ’wrong’ and creating issues with reflux and excess wind which is causing huge discomfort in my DD2. I’m just trying to say to myself that I need more support and education. It’s just not there even though they’re trying to encourage women to breastfeed while not providing enough public lactation consultants.

While people will say fed is best, and to a certain degree, it is. Informed and supported is best. You have not let your daughter down, the services, or lack of, have let you down. Please just know you have tried your best, and you have done the best you can for your daughter. And please be easy on yourself, mom guilt is real, and coupled with hormones all over the place so soon post partum and weaning will be tough. Give yourself grace and time. I know you are doing brilliantly! 💖💐

Do not feel guilty! The fault lies with BFIng promotion which I bet told you antenatally you could EBF, wouldn't need formula and BF was altogether superior?!

I bet they also failed to tell you that milk delay is common (up to 40% of first time mums), formula supplementation helps many mums to BF and ultimately it doesn't make much difference anyway.

They set me up to fail like this too, except my baby ended up so seriously ill she had to be readmitted and tube fed formula to save her life . My milk eventually came in at eight weeks...

This info would have really helped me in those awful early days when I thought I was failing my baby!

fedisbest.org/resources-for-parents/know-risks-delayed-onset-full-breast-milk-supply/

Also to echo a PP, if you can get help from a lactation consultant it still isn’t too late. And you will need them to visit you in your home so they can see up close the latch and position of the baby. A small tweak can work wonders! Best of luck!

Oh and the pumping you're doing after BFs may be counter-productive, depending on why you have low supply. I got put on this too - it's called triple feeding but it's like torture.

If you have low supply caused by something like a difficult birth and/or blood loss then your body needs to recover in order to make milk, so exhausting it with triple feeding won't help. My milk finally came in once I was getting 8 hour blocks of sleep and had ditched all the pumping.

No need to feel guilty at all OP. I was never able to produce enough supply either so had to use formula. I still had an amazing bond with my son.

Remember that people will give up breastfeeding for several reasons. Some will choose not to do it (which is fine), others start and need to stop. I have a friend for example who gave up after a short while because she kept getting mastitis.

As a young person who was 'fed' breast is best whilst studying my NNEB, many years ago... I agree breast is best, BUT you need to do what is best for baby and you. So wether it's a mix of breast and formula, breast or straight formula, you, do you...

Me, I breast fed DC1 for 6 mths on breast milk, then switched to formula.
DC2 I tried my hardest to breat feed, but I didn't have enough milk, so it was formula during the day, and a breast feed brefore bed 🤷‍♀️

It can be really emotional when you desperately want to breastfeed but it’s not working out.
Amy Brown has a book on breastfeeding grief which you might find helpful.

It's not too late if you can get the right support.

It's fine to not get support and call it a day as you have tried so hard

You should not feel guilty. You should feel guilty had you refused formula while your baby lost weight. You did what's best for your baby. There is no shame in that.

I've fed 3 myself and one of them was toung tied and lost a bit of weight. Have you checked for this? I also can't produce much expressing but can feed baby exclusively so don't assume pumping is the same as what you get feeding. I found hand pumps best or hand expressing. But it's such a faf and takes up so much time. Honestly your baby needs a happy mum don't be a martyr

Please don't feel guilty, you are doing an amazing job by looking after your baby and making sure she is healthy & gaining weight. Your hormones are also crazy now which won't make you feel any good!

Promise you will feel better soon 💐

OP I was in your position and remember it so well. I felt so guilty, embarrassed bottle feeding in front of people and thought everyone was judging me.
They weren’t 💕 and DC1 is so healthy and so bright and perfect at 6 I can’t even tell you. I had more success with DC2 and honestly the bond is no different, they’re no different in terms of health and bf is such a small thing in the grand scheme of things.
Snuggle up with your baby in a quiet room for feeds and you’ll still get that amazing bond. You’re their mum they adore you. You’re their whole world! And obviously do what’s right for you but at this point I personally would make peace with formula rather than drag out breastfeeding and spending a fortune on lactation consultants

Ask your HV for a referral to your trusts infant feeding specialist…our trust do twice weekly clinics

As a pp said. Do not feel guilty. You should only feel guilty if you had refused to top up your baby’s feeds. Baby is now thriving and it’s thanks to you doing the best thing you could do at that moment in time.

IF you would like to continue with breast feeding it’s definitely not too late. You don’t need to pay loads for a lactation consultant. La Leche Legue (LLL) is a charity and has a brilliant website packed with a fantastic advice. You can also look up their support groups in your area or ring one of their very knowledgable volunteers.

I struggled to breast feed too and LLL website/volunteer in the phone helped me so much. The best piece of advice for me was something is better than nothing. So a small breast feed even once or twice a day before a bottle is something. This spurred me on and along with their advice I was able to gradually return from almost bottle feeding to almost exclusively breast feeding. It took a long time (about 4 months) but ever so gradually I was able to build up
my supply and the amount of time I spent bf instead of FF.

The main points were
offer breast as often as you can
lots and lots of skin to skin/baths together etc
use breast as a pacifier instead of a dummy where possible
sod all housework/cooking etc etc take all offers of help so you can solely concentrate on lots of skin to skin and contact with baby
use “paced bottle feeding” so getting milk from the bottle isn’t “easier” for baby than getting it from the breast
try hand expressing rather than pump as it’s better for some people

LLL can offer you lots of advice but look after yourself. Fed IS best and thats all that matters. BF should not be at the expense of your physical or mental health.

xx

You're doing great! Speak to a lactation support person but don't feel down you're looking after your baby 🥰

I was told that pumping after feeding I won't get much, as my body knew that it wasn't a baby as it had just had a baby so in comparison it didn't want to do a let down. Perhaps try pumping between feeds or just before - if just before your let down will have started and you'll smell of milk so baby will want to latch and your body will make more and more as it will realise it's a real baby

Ps I had the same situation with day 5 and also the same feelings about feeling.. I never managed to reestablish it properly after some nipple trauma but I did pump for 6 months so I got him at least a bottles worth of breast milk a day, I think pumping any time other than straight after feeding is the best time. Also if you can get a Hakka to catch let down from the non feeding boob

I felt like this 6 months ago when I had my baby, it was so bad I thought I was slipping into PND as I couldn’t even talk about how I was feeding her without welling up. She wanted to feed but I just couldn’t get the hang of it and the guilt was horrendous.
Time has helped and seeing her grow big and strong on the formula has helped but there’s still a lingering feeling of failure on my part.
I think it’s normal to feel a little guilt as long as you don’t let it swallow you up. Just give it time x

It's easy for me to say don't be daft. However if you look at your friends while have a really close bond with their kids you would not know who had been bottle fed or breast-fed. Bonding comes in many different ways, the most important one is being their for them, showing love and being consistent with them.
You are not a failure you are your child's mother snd you love her.
That is enough. Don't waste your emotion on guilt, you have nothing to be guilty about. Instead be proud, loving and happy that you have a wonderful baby.
Just for transparency I started to breadth feed baby 1, I got sore, tired and baby wasn't benefitting. I resisted formula thinking I was a ' bad mum' .
I ended up doing mixed feeds which benefited everyone, including Dh who would do the feed so I could sleep.

I'd echo those who recommend a lactation consultant. It sounds like breastfeeding means a lot to you so it makes sense to push for as much support as you can. Some areas have breastfeeding support groups.

I supplemented with formula for a few weeks as I got a lot of pressure from the midwives and HVs but I'm not convinced it was really necessary. My milk took time to come in but that's normal and your body adjusts supply according to how much the baby is feeding. Anyway, for me it all worked out and I breastfed both my DC. Both of them had some formula to supplement but eventually I was able to switch to just breastmilk.

I never got on with expressing and never managed to produce much, but still managed to have enough milk for my babies to gain weight healthily.

Well It sounds like you're in the same boat as me 3 weeks ago. I've been seeing the hospital lactation specialists but nothing they've suggested seems to have worked.

I'd like to say you have nothing to feel guilty about and you're doing the best you can (which is true) but I know it doesn't matter how much you know that, you still don't really feel it.

That's easier said than done! I've contacted 5 and heard nothing back from any of them!

We've been triple feeding for the last 4 weeks, we've tried SNS but didn't get on with it, and I've taken a 10 day course of domperidone which didn't seem to make any difference.

I'm in the UK and agree there isn't enough support - there's obviously a problem as the breastfeeding rates in the country are so low, but it feels like all the blame is put on the individual women.

Yes, exactly! In the antenatal classes we spent about half an hour talking about how breast is better than formula and about 10 minutes on attachment but nothing about any potential difficulties. They made it sound like breastfeeding was the most natural and easy thing in the world and it was a choice to use formula - which it obviously isn't for me!

I'm sorry your baby ended up in hospital; that must have been really hard for you. I didn't know milk could come in that late. I was thinking that as mine hasn't come in by now that was it for us.

It's strange - if I was talking to someone else in my situation I'd tell them not to be so hard on themselves and they're doing the best they can, but as much as I try and tell myself that, I can't convince myself.

I'm glad to know it didn't affect your bonding though.