Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Breastfeeding guilt

44 replies

Eliffant · 07/11/2023 17:59

I have a 5 week old DD and at her 5 day check she had lost too much weight so we had to start giving her formula. Despite doing everything advised, I haven't been able to increase my milk supply so she's almost entirely on formula now. I offer her breast at every feed but she has a full bottle after so I don't think she's getting anything from me. She is, however, gaining weight again and healthy.

But I can't get over the guilt of not being able to feed her. I feel like she won't be bonding with me as I'm not feeding her. I want to give up expressing after every feed as I'm not getting more than a few drops, but I feel like this is giving up completely. As stupid as it may sound, I feel like I'm less of a mother because I can't feed her, and I just feel generally awful.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this really, just after some support I guess.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

Eliffant · 08/11/2023 01:44

SamanthaVimes · 07/11/2023 19:03

It can be really emotional when you desperately want to breastfeed but it’s not working out.
Amy Brown has a book on breastfeeding grief which you might find helpful.

Thanks, I'll have a look for that book!

OP posts:

Original poster

Eliffant · 08/11/2023 01:48

PurpleBugz · 07/11/2023 20:42

It's not too late if you can get the right support.

It's fine to not get support and call it a day as you have tried so hard

You should not feel guilty. You should feel guilty had you refused formula while your baby lost weight. You did what's best for your baby. There is no shame in that.

I've fed 3 myself and one of them was toung tied and lost a bit of weight. Have you checked for this? I also can't produce much expressing but can feed baby exclusively so don't assume pumping is the same as what you get feeding. I found hand pumps best or hand expressing. But it's such a faf and takes up so much time. Honestly your baby needs a happy mum don't be a martyr

Thanks, I feel like I need someone to tell me I've tried my best and it's ok to give up now - but I'm willing to do pretty much anything if it will make breastfeeding possible

OP posts:

Original poster

Eliffant · 08/11/2023 01:51

GotMooMilk · 07/11/2023 20:51

OP I was in your position and remember it so well. I felt so guilty, embarrassed bottle feeding in front of people and thought everyone was judging me.
They weren’t 💕 and DC1 is so healthy and so bright and perfect at 6 I can’t even tell you. I had more success with DC2 and honestly the bond is no different, they’re no different in terms of health and bf is such a small thing in the grand scheme of things.
Snuggle up with your baby in a quiet room for feeds and you’ll still get that amazing bond. You’re their mum they adore you. You’re their whole world! And obviously do what’s right for you but at this point I personally would make peace with formula rather than drag out breastfeeding and spending a fortune on lactation consultants

I definitely feel embarrassed about bottle feeding in front of people. I haven't been out for more than an hour at a time because I don't want to have to feed in front of anyone.

I'm not sure I can make peace with it - I feel like such a failure every time I give her a bottle at the moment (which is at least 6 times a day right now)

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old Babies & sleep Breast & bottle feeding Families

Original poster

Eliffant · 08/11/2023 01:59

Kitkat1523 · 07/11/2023 20:54

Ask your HV for a referral to your trusts infant feeding specialist…our trust do twice weekly clinics

We've been seeing the lactation specialists at the hospital - I'm not sure if that's the same thing?

OP posts:

Original poster

Eliffant · 08/11/2023 02:01

PullingAtTeeth · 07/11/2023 21:03

As a pp said. Do not feel guilty. You should only feel guilty if you had refused to top up your baby’s feeds. Baby is now thriving and it’s thanks to you doing the best thing you could do at that moment in time.

IF you would like to continue with breast feeding it’s definitely not too late. You don’t need to pay loads for a lactation consultant. La Leche Legue (LLL) is a charity and has a brilliant website packed with a fantastic advice. You can also look up their support groups in your area or ring one of their very knowledgable volunteers.

I struggled to breast feed too and LLL website/volunteer in the phone helped me so much. The best piece of advice for me was something is better than nothing. So a small breast feed even once or twice a day before a bottle is something. This spurred me on and along with their advice I was able to gradually return from almost bottle feeding to almost exclusively breast feeding. It took a long time (about 4 months) but ever so gradually I was able to build up
my supply and the amount of time I spent bf instead of FF.

The main points were
offer breast as often as you can
lots and lots of skin to skin/baths together etc
use breast as a pacifier instead of a dummy where possible
sod all housework/cooking etc etc take all offers of help so you can solely concentrate on lots of skin to skin and contact with baby
use “paced bottle feeding” so getting milk from the bottle isn’t “easier” for baby than getting it from the breast
try hand expressing rather than pump as it’s better for some people

LLL can offer you lots of advice but look after yourself. Fed IS best and thats all that matters. BF should not be at the expense of your physical or mental health.

Thanks. I was thinking that at 5 weeks this was as good as we were going to get but it's good to know that you were still increasing your supply up to 4 months

OP posts:

Original poster

Eliffant · 08/11/2023 02:04

Friendfoe1 · 07/11/2023 21:08

I felt like this 6 months ago when I had my baby, it was so bad I thought I was slipping into PND as I couldn’t even talk about how I was feeding her without welling up. She wanted to feed but I just couldn’t get the hang of it and the guilt was horrendous.
Time has helped and seeing her grow big and strong on the formula has helped but there’s still a lingering feeling of failure on my part.
I think it’s normal to feel a little guilt as long as you don’t let it swallow you up. Just give it time x

Show quote history

Thanks, I feel so down about this that I'm not sure if there's some PND too that's making it worse.

I'm glad your baby is doing well now - there's no need to feel guilty if she's healthy! (But I know how hard it is to believe that)

OP posts:

Mum37457 · 08/11/2023 02:14

OP, just wanted to say that I had to do formula feeding from newborn too. I gave up on expressing as I was getting almost nothing. DS was more receptive to breastfeeding overnight so alongside formula, I kept it up even though I wasn't sure if he was getting much of anything. At 8 months, it suddenly clicked for him and he started to enjoy it. We kept up the formula but breastfeeding became more of a comfort and connection thing from then on.

So if you're DC is still latching, just keep it up alongside the formula for as long as you want to.

Mum37457 · 08/11/2023 02:16

And I was able to express a little bit of milk by hand at that point so I know he was getting something from me too, even though the majority of his nutrition was from formula.

Britneyfan · 08/11/2023 02:39

OP it is totally ok to give up if that’s what you want to do (also ok to keep trying if that’s what you want to do but I would advise taking the pressure off yourself and just do mixed feeding as long as it’s working out that way, you’ve clearly tried very hard indeed). Remember “fed is best”.

I will add my personal story of ending up under section with postnatal psychosis and I do absolutely 100 percent blame the pressure to exclusively breastfeed for sending me over the edge of sanity completely! In my case after all that effort and stress to the point of literally driving myself insane and into a psychiatric ward, I then had to stop breastfeeding anyway as 1. I was put on lithium and 2. I couldn’t get a mother and baby unit place right away so had to be admitted without my baby. Whatever you do, don’t follow my lead! It really wasn’t worth it.

The colostrum early on is the super important stuff anyway especially in a developed country with safe water like the U.K. (obviously a whole different ball game if you happened to have a newborn in Gaza with it’s unsafe water for making up bottles right now).

Britneyfan · 08/11/2023 02:41

PS my child is a teen now and we have always had an amazing bond despite everything. You have a whole lifetime to build your bond. In my opinion way too much emphasis is put on being absolutely perfect in every way in these early weeks.

momonpurpose · 08/11/2023 04:30

Your baby is being feed and thriving that's all the matters

Rowgtfc72 · 08/11/2023 04:39

I had the same. We were the parents of the underweight child.
We ended up mixed feeding- that is I tried to feed her first and last thing with plenty of formula in between. I'm not sure in the end how much milk she was getting from me but we still kept that closeness
Expressing was pointless- it was drops.
We never really got the hang of breastfeeding but dd is nearly 17 now and healthy and happy.
Society tells you you must breastfeed or you're an awful parent.
Common sense tells me a happy mum gives you a happy child.

sandberry · 08/11/2023 04:44

I’m a lactation consultant with hypoplasia, my children were formula fed at the breast using an SNS. With DC1 and 2 this really bothered me and I had major PND, but with DC3 I no longer cared and I stopped spending hours over milk supply, she dropped weight, introduced formula via the SNS and she’s still breastfeeding at nearly 5 (now I want to stop!).

It is perfectly possible to breastfeed with low supply and if it will help you, an SNS can be the way to do just that, either supply will build or it won’t but it stops mattering as the baby is fed and you are breastfeeding. If supply isn’t enough, it may become enough when solids are introduced alongside at six months.

Equally if that just isn’t for you, it’s perfectly fine to formula feed with bottles. Breastfeeding isn’t a pass/fail test of parenthood, it often takes on more importance than it is really due because it is among the very first things we do for our babies and we are so very fragile right then. Your bond won’t be affected, there is no evidence that breastfed babies have more secure attachments than bottle fed babies that are held and cuddled and have skin to skin.

Sidetalk · 08/11/2023 04:50

I was you. I remember so well those feelings are so strong!

My midwife share with me that she needed to top up feeds for the first few months to get going for all her babies and I suddenly felt okay.

There is a pushback on getting posterior tongue ties divided. I don’t understand why. I could not get my baby’s done on the NHS and so I had 2 months of “low supply”, poor weight gain, hospital admissions, jaundice, awful “colic”.

I was desperate, went private to get the tongue tie divided. It was like getting a new baby!

Things I found that impacted supply and weight gain:

posterior tonge tie
taking fenugreek (bad for thyroid function)
my thyroid function
post partum haemorrhaging
pump flange wrong size (a lactation constant can measure you for the right size)

SearchingTheSkies · 08/11/2023 04:55

So sorry you're going through this - there really isn't enough support out there. I can recommend an IBCLC called Lucy Webber. She specialises in weight gain issues and reducing formula top ups etc. she has a Facebook and Instagram page with contact details. Search Lucy Webber IBCLC. She can do in person or virtual support depending on where you live. Might be worth a go if that's an option for you. Wishing you all the best and please don't feel guilty.

MariaVT65 · 08/11/2023 07:03

Eliffant · 08/11/2023 01:43

It's strange - if I was talking to someone else in my situation I'd tell them not to be so hard on themselves and they're doing the best they can, but as much as I try and tell myself that, I can't convince myself.

I'm glad to know it didn't affect your bonding though.

Show quote history

Yes I don’t know why we all find it difficult to follow what would be our own advice to other people!

It’s totally fine for you to give up now Op if that’s what you want and it would benefit your mental and physical health.

I know other posters are recommending things to help increase supply but none of these worked for me. I hired a lactation consultant, tried nipple shields, ate all the stuff you’re supposed to (my lactation consultant brought round these ‘lactation cookies’,) took vitamins etc.

I also tried all the helplines and video calls with LLL etc and tbh i didn’t find anything that wasn’t a f2f appt very useful.

My main issue was latching, and the clincher for me to give up trying was when the lactation consultant suggested cutting a whole in a bottle teet and putting a plastic tube in it to then put in my baby’s mouth next to my breast so he would associate milk with my breast. I found that ridiculous and further than I was willing to go at that point.

I continued to express milk for 5 months but I could only ever get 40% of what he needed and I wish i’d given up sooner, as it was exhausting and twice the work.

RidingMyBike · 08/11/2023 09:23

Yes, if you've got milk delay from a CS (even an elective one), blood loss, difficult birth, other medical problems etc then milk can take absolutely weeks to come in. For a friend with a ELCS hers suddenly appeared at six weeks, mine was eight weeks after minor haemorrhage at birth. She then went on to EBF, I chose to carry on combi-feeding as I was hating the BFing part and enjoyed the bottle feeding.

I did triple feeding when we were readmitted but later found out (after a complaint to maternity because they'd endangered my baby by refusing to recommend formula until she was seriously dehydrated) that triple feeding should only be done for a few days and definitely not for weeks. It's designed to rectify low supply caused by baby being unable to stimulate supply frequently in the early days (eg if they were separated from you for a while or were really sleepy). I saw some of these babies when we were readmitted and a couple of days of triple feeding and supply went up a lot.

If you've got low supply for another reason then triple feeding won't make any difference because it's not a supply and demand problem.

Outliers · 08/11/2023 10:23

Breastfeeding is overhyped and overrated. I did it for 8 months.

Formula settled my child far far better. I would've done fed formula much earlier in hindsight.

Kitkat1523 · 08/11/2023 17:17

Eliffant · 08/11/2023 01:59

We've been seeing the lactation specialists at the hospital - I'm not sure if that's the same thing?

Show quote history

No not the same thing….your HV will be employed by a community nhs trust and most of these trusts have their own infant feeding teams….ours respond to referrals in 5 days with a phone call, clinic invite etch

Flip

1 2