Teen jail broken phone

[Poppy5000]

I’m really struggling with my almost 14 year old who pushes every boundary when it comes to tech. Every time he’s give freedom with certain apps/games it always ends with him going well beyond anything we’ve discussed. We’ve spoken about trust and coming to speak to me about having access to apps he wants but he will not follow this. Today I found he’s jailbroken his iphone to bypass my parenting restrictions. Has anyone got any advice? Would you give him free access to everything? Do I take it all way? I’ve tried to find the middle ground and it works really well for my younger son but with my teen any boundary feels like a game he has to win.

If he has clearly shown you he cannot be trusted then you remove it until he can shown he can and he will have to rebuild up to this 🤷🏼‍♀️

Thanks-yes this is where we seem to keep going in circles….it gets removed and we get to a point where I start to trust him again but then does something else. He seems to really get a kick out of exploiting tech and codes and i’m struggling to keep up with all the possibilities. I had no idea that parental controls could be bypassed like this until today but it’s apparently very common!

What boundaries are you looking to set? Is your approach similar to the majority of the parents of teens his age?

Yes-I think pretty normal. He’s been allowed access to the usual apps and had them removed after issues have cropped up. I would be happy for him to have them again but just when we get to that point he will do something else and I feel like he can’t be trusted to use them safely. Do you think I should just let him have them? But then how would you deal with it when issues come up? To be sideloading (a term i’ve only just learnt today) is a hard no from me at the moment-I think the risk of malicious malware/lack of any parental control over what is being downloaded isn’t ok for a 13 year old.

I think you could accept defeat on this and encourage him into coding. It sounds like he has talent!

get him an old phone that only has snake on it, and the ability to make/receive calls and texts.

😂 oh yes if only he would code things that don’t give me a migraine!

I don’t think you need to let him have free access.

Trying to change his behaviour means trying to understand it. If all his peers are on a certain app and he’s banned from it, he’s going to keep trying to get it.

From what you’ve said, any kind of tech restriction is a challenge in itself for him.

We had this with DS for years. He would get past every control and restriction possible. In the end I called the company and told them the phone was lost and they put a block on it, which he could not get past. Then he had a Nokia dumb phone for quite a long time.

Now he is 16 I have basically given up and don't really try to restrict as much, but we do turn off the router and night (and lock it away) so that he can't be on it all night. His data quickly runs out because he uses such a lot of it.

It's massively tedious but if he doesn't sleep he doesn't attend school and we have more issues.

Are you paying for this tedious dynamic?

Just don’t buy him a phone or data.

I agree and why i’ve come on here to be honest. Taking it away clearly isn’t working but when he does have those apps, we seem to have problem after problem and i’ve just noticed that it never seems to be enough-if I say yes to snapchat which is age appropriate he wants something else which isn’t for example Discord where he was chatting on a board with pornographic ads after every comment. I’m quite concerned about letting him keep the sideloading as there are many adult apps that he will have full access to and there’s a high risk that the downloads could be malicious.
If I let him have some more of what he wants and he continues to completely disregard any boundaries we set (like not going on the unmonitored Discord chat as an example) I feel there should be some consequences but i’m not sure what is best way to go.

I completely disagree with this-we have always talked about tech and what he wants and what he wants to use it for etc. he’s been allowed access to everything within reason for his age but every time he dismisses what we have BOTH agreed. Do you really think I should just let him have access to whatever he wants-most recently an over 18 chat with porn ads with semi naked women with dildos. He’s 13 and this is clearly inappropriate-I came on here to ask for advice not be made to feel like it’s all my fault.

If he's jailbroken the phone it won't be covered on any kind of insurance you might have taken out on it, or any warranty that might have been included. This is not acceptable.

You just stop paying for it, end of.

Agree with others, get him a non-smartphone. Try again in a year. It's a shame but if that's what it takes to keep him safe from online pornography then it has to be done.

Not too worried about insurance tbh it’s an oldish phone. He does unforunately need it for school though as all of his homework and school class notes are through an app 🤦‍♀️

Given he seems to be able to code, does the school run a 'coding club' or something of the sort, so that you can direct his attention away from the phone?

If he's capable of side-loading and jailbreaking at 13 then he obviously has a knack for it sosomething in the way of a club may help. Some universities run them for kids, amd some of the big coding companies do to -it might even help with other behaviours.

As to the phone, I think your only option might be an old nokia brick until things change. Good luck.

With regard to the school issue - I would make an appointment to see someone in school to talk about it.
If you explain (maybe say that if school only use the phone method this is a safeguarding issue fir both you and him) they should be able to offer you support.
In any case, it would be useful to talk to someone about it. And school might offer him some advanced coding extra curricular too! Focus his passion in a positive way. If he's only Y8, computing is quite boring in school.

Can the schoolwork app be accessed through a laptop?

I really don't agree with schools making kids use smartphones, it's not at all helpful to parents.

Do what @ThisIsNotARealAvo did.

Whatever you do, don’t let him win. Teaching that the way to ‘win’ is to cheat and lie and treat authority with contempt is not good parenting.

He needs to learn that breaking the rules leads to negative consequences for him.

If he’s already had his phone taken away several times and is still breaking your rules, take it away and do not replace it. Ever. He can be the teen with no phone and he can just cope with that until he’s old enough to work and buy his own. Upsetting him now could prevent seriously nasty behaviour from him when he’s adult.

Crazy crazy crazy. Do people seriously believe a 14 year old tech savvy kid won't get another phone by the end of the week if you confiscate it? He will. For definite. He will also get the money to finance it. Best not to even think how. Let this go. There actually is nothing you can do, because by the sound of it the kid is prepared to do anything to have access to a phone. Believe me I know this type of child. Letting him have a phone and using as he wants, which is likely no different to how any of us use it is your least worst option. My boy is an intelligence officer now with no criminal record. By the skin of his fucking teeth and thanks to us not fighting battles we could not win.

Talk to school !
tell them your reasoning that he will
be out his phone for a number of weeks.
either log in to his app on your phone and write out for him what he needs, or ask school to provide the homework on paper …. or can he have access in the school library on a pc? Or even on a pc/laptop at home?

I turned off my 15yo’s phone for a week recently, (using parental controls on apple) and only left him school apps and the ability to phone/text me and my husband.

he was delight! We did a fortnight in the end!! …. The week was my intention, but he’d been told it was until I said so, with no defined limit.
he didn’t ask for two weeks & we had some lovely times interacting with him!!

I’d go down the route of explaining why you don’t want him to do / access certain things.

Just banning things makes it tempting and he’s clearly got the skills to get around whatever controls you put in place, so you need to support him to learn how to moderate for himself.

Does he really understand about the risks / consequences? Does he know or appreciate why you don’t like certain things?

If he needs his phone for school apps then let him have it - under your supervision.

Berate the school about forcing parents to supply smartphones for children. It's not on. Sometimes I wonder in which universe they live.

DS has to understand that consequences exist. It's like shoveling wster uphill but worth it.