Does it get easier! Second baby, I'm drowning

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I just feel like I'm failing.

Currently unwell, looking after what was two under two, never get a moment to actually breathe my baby in and cuddle him. My adorable eldest is hyper, climbing on me, climbing up walls literally, I really feel like I just spend my time telling him off.

We try and get out every day but it's hard especially with the weather changing.

I'm so tired. I feel so stressed. Exclusively breastfeeding doesn't help - baby won't take a bottle. I don't feel like I'm being a very fun mum.

I feel like I'm missing the baby bit while simultaneously missing spending time with my eldest because I'm just firefighting constantly.

Ages 5 months and 2y 4m - does it get easier? I feel so guilty to not be enjoying every single day as much as possible.

Also noticed I want to moan about it to people (when really I am really appreciative to have what I have) but I find myself being jealous of a friend I met up with today who just has one child and she’s there hair all washed, nails done etc and I literally look like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards rocking up half way through the class

Totally relate to all of this, def felt like I was drowning, and frazzled, and lonely, as well as sleep deprived and had plenty of guilt for not spending lots of one-on-one quality time with my baby like you can with your first.

For us, it really helped to have some time scheduled at the weekend when my partner would take my eldest out and I could have some quiet time with the baby, and try not to any chores in this time, just feed, or sleep etc. Also he would sometimes get up first with my toddler at weekends too so I could spend time in bed with the baby. And then I made sure I also had some time to have a shower etc by myself, completely uninterrupted whilst he watched them downstairs. Just little things, but having some time on your own, even just to wash hair properly, phone a friend etc without children around helps to make you feel human again after a very long week solo being supermum! :)

Had two under 1, I feel pregnant with my 4th baby 6 weeks after giving birth. It was not easy at all, and can be super lonely at times. You are doing your best and we've all been there with the mum guilt. Now they are 4 & 3 - it gets easier - you've just gotta ride the wave mama!

Due to some health issues on my part after the birth of our second, that overflowed into his entire first year of life basically, I do truly get what you’re talking about! Our oldest was a very strong-willed toddler and seemed to be constantly having a battle with me. At 20 months apart, with a newborn and everything that was going on, I undoubtedly missed the “snuggly newborn” stage (and frankly was physically unable to snuggle our newborn half as much as I had snuggled our oldest at that age!)

It was semi-impossible. It made me cry. Moms on social media in particular are so frequently going on about how “time is such a thief” and “savoring every moment” and it’s easy to feel guilty if you CANNOT savor every moment.

But here’s what happened:

That little newborn of a second child turned into a super sweet, low-maintenance toddler who absolutely loved to snuggle. Our strong willed oldest turned into a kind and responsible brother. Both are wonderful young men now… and while I might not have been able to rock and hum and savor the infant moments, you know what we have been able to do?

Talk about our favorite books (now that they’re reading or listening to classic chapter books I loved so dearly as a girl!)
Laugh until we cry
Feel their gentleness as they fix a cup of tea and adjust my blanket perfectly on a day when I’m not feeling well
Have all sorts of fun adventures
Sit and just be close and watch the Christmas lights until one will just sigh and say “I love you” or “you’re such a special Mommy”

I didn’t get that magical newborn stage to lick away in my memory with our second; there were beautiful moments, but I somewhat more vividly recall teary moments. What the Lord undoubtedly blessed us with is amazingly wonderful elementary school aged moments, with the sweetest little man and his equally sweet and gentle but even more thoughtful big brother.

And I promise you… those times when a happy little man bounces in and tells you he loves you, while big brother kindly asks how you’re feeling and makes funny voices with a favorite stuffed animal to make everyone laugh… those moments are just as precious as the silent times spent wondering over the tininess of your baby or savoring the newborn cuddles. It’s just different.

So take heart, OP. Better times might be just around the corner - the type of times that make your mother heart full to bursting with joy and the beauty of watching them grow into wonderful young people!

Try again with bottle.

Aw OP, I feel you on this so much,

I have a 19 month old and a 3.5 month old.

Toddler is clingy, needing constant entertaining and baby is going through a leap so is extremely fussy and won't let anyone feed her apart from me.

We've all been ill for over a week and all I want to do is lie in bed and rot and feel sorry for myself but of course I can't. I just want one day of not getting out of bed. DP encourages this but of course I feel guilty and won't do it.

I keep telling myself it gets easier and it won't last forever. I'm exhausted.

Spending some much needed one on one time with my eldest today. Hopefully that will make us both feel better!

I didn't only keep my two year old in nursery at this stage, I added another day.
Lifesaver.

I also added an extra day for the first 8 weeks of newborn life. Definitely a massive help😂!

It gets easier! My toddler loves to be helpful so I get him to bin nappies, bring plastic plates to the kitchen, find toys for the baby to play with etc. He loves his balance bike so no double buggy needed and walks are much faster! Toddler can also now enjoy films in peace so that’s a long time to spend with the baby one to one- think cars, Moana, encanto, frozen. Now that they’re 3/18 months they’re starting to enjoy each other’s company more and it makes my heart melt to see it!

Yes it gets easier. I do think you need to change your routine so that your partner is contributing in the morning though. Two young kids means all hands on deck and everyone’s routines need to change

My ds watched a lot of TV the year I had my second baby. He was happy to watch films, cartoons etc. I remember feeling like a failure at the time but dd spent so much time feeding and wouldn't be put down. It got so much easier once dd was over 1 year. Ds is very bright and seemingly unharmed from excess fireman Sam consumption in his 3rd year.

I think it's totally normal to feel frazzled, and yes to the baby just being dragged along to the ride. DS sent his entire first few months in a sling, to the extent that one of my neighbours commented about 4 months in that they had only ever seen his legs!

On your days with just baby, could you book a class or go to a group and sit in the baby section? I booked baby sensory, and it gave me a chance to feel at one group a week I could focus just on him and act like a first time mum again.

You’re smashing it OP. Your babies are getting out in the fresh air loads. Which is the best thing for them. At this stage baby just wants you so it’s perfect they’re in a sling and just hanging out with you.

It does feel like you’re chasing your tail. I agree!

I had a cleaner once a fortnight and my eldest stayed in nursery for 3 days and I still found it tough!

Same age gap here OP. 23 months. Baby born in June, toddler 2 in July. The best advice I’ve been given is to do things together. I choose groups they can both enjoy (eg a playgroup with toddler toys and baby toys or a craft group at a museum that the baby can tag along to), when I read a story it’s to both of them. If I sing a nursery rhyme it’s with both of them, sometimes the toddler sings to the baby (he likes to do round and round the garden on him) or if I sing hop little bunnies I jump the baby up and down. If he wants to play dinosaurs I make sure the baby roars too. If he’s playing with his cars I ask which car the baby likes. It was suggested we did bath time together (not managed it yet).

When I have the toddler I meet with toddler mums (who love to cuddle the baby) as I only have a couple of friends with babies too. If you don’t have those friends try a local parent group. I’ve also met a couple through nursery. On nursery days I meet up up with baby mums and I go to one group with just the baby. I struggled with antenatal and postnatal depression so this is really important. Then I do all my chores in 15 minute chunks. I do what I can in each 15 minute slot, depending on the day I could do 2 hours worth of cleaning or just 15 minutes depending on the temperament of baby and how I’m feeling.

I also had mum guilt about the second not getting as much of me. But he’s thriving and hitting his milestones so it can’t be all bad. He’s also learning so much from my toddler who, for the most part, adores him.

Oh and TV. Not even ashamed, I’m doing what I can, not what I can’t.

I could have written this! Two things that I was told that kind of helped (though still feel the mum guilt). Bad parents don't worry that they're bad parents so just by that you're doing great. Also (and it's hard!) If you have the choice to play with the baby or the toddler, chose the toddler as they will remember it. Maybe they won't remember everything but in the immediate moment they will, this doesn't stop the guilt or want or need to have quality time with your baby. Mine are 8 months and 2 years 10 months. Eldest is in nursery two days a week so baby's stimulation is watching mummy do pots and fold washing and clean etc not the specific tummy time that youngest got 🤣It's getting easier, honestly xxx

22 months between mine. Now 11 and 13 and 11 YO still runs up to me if 13 YO is beat me. It's so annoying. I've said this years that I've never left the toddler stage as dd11 is non stop!!

I so remember feeling like this and mine are both at secondary school now. My mantra used to be that, if only one of them was crying, all was OK!
Looking back, I realise that, whilst DC2 never got my full attention in the way DC1 did and whilst he was constantly dragged from pillar to post as I tried to keep DC1 entertained, he had the huge benefit of having DC1 in his life who adored him and provided him with some much entertainment. Actually, it wasn't just DC1 but all of DC1's friends too. Whilst I am sure there continue to be disadvantages of being the second child, having just seen him sail through the transition to secondary school as he knew DC1 and her friends, she could explain how things worked and I was just much more familiar with the system, there are definitely benefits to being DC2, something which was equally apparent when he started nursery & primary.
Hang in there! It's all about survival at this stage!

@MabelQ you've just made me cry. Thank you ❤️ beautiful words

@Rainbowqueeen he's up and gone before any of us are even awake, and gets home late too. But he earns well and we need the money at the moment!

My older one went to nursery two then three full days a week. This gave me a break, kept him busy and allowed bonding time with baby. She went a couple days from she one. Of course we could afford it and realise this isn't the case for many.

Holy whack batman think you're putting the rest of us to shame 🤣 no wonder you're frazzled. Sometimes it's ok to just "be" xx

Absolutely gets easier I promise. So much so we even went on the have a third! My older 2 (4&6) are currently upstairs playing together whilst my newborn sleeps. I remember in the early days I thought I was going insane. I'd dread every morning because of the carnage of crying and tantrums. My husband works like yours as well so I was on my own a lot of the time. I don't really have many tips apart from making sure you get some time to yourself, either when the lo's are in bed or when your partner is home. Before you know they'll be at school and you'll almost miss the mayhem. Be kind to yourself, you're doing a great job.

I promise you it gets easier. But it is a shift finding your way with two and five months in was my lowest point when I had my second and my third. Soon the baby starts eating food, the day has more structure and the baby is more able and engaged. By 6/7 months things felt different. And when I had my second we went to playgroups where lots of people were juggling a baby and toddler so if that’s an option try them out. I know it can feel a lot to get to them but everyone there is as frazzled as you are. I remember a lady I know well now (we both have 8 year olds) arriving at a playgroup and the effort of getting there had been so much she cried as soon as she took her coat off, one of the people running the group took her baby, sat the lady down and gave her a cup of tea. Just knowing you’re not alone it in all makes a big difference. And all fed and in bed by the end of the day is the best you can do sometimes, don’t be too hard on yourself. My youngest is 4 now but the baby and toddler juggle was the hardest point of their early years. Except potty training, I’ve blacked that out!

I had a 2.5 year gap and remember so well that awful, stressy feeling of getting back from a reasonably successful day out and just wanting to flop on the sofa but needing to deal with 2x dirty nappies (or worse, one dirty nappy and a potty training toddler who needs a poo NOW Mummy) , a baby who needed feeding, sore boobs, a hungry toddler and some rapidly defrosting shopping (never mind if you need a wee too because it’s just too hard to go with both of them while you’re out!).

I kept my oldest at nursery three days per week which was a complete sanity saver. On the days with just the baby I did a couple of specific baby classes (sensory and swimming) so I felt she had had some focus and quality time as well as doing chores and meeting Mummy’s friends for coffee, and the days with both were completely focussed on the toddler with the baby mainly in the sling.

For what it’s worth, it does get so much easier after the first year once the second can walk. As they get older, you may even reap the rewards - even now at 5 and 7 I would say my DC2 is better at entertaining herself than DC1 which I put down to the fact that I could not respond to her every whimper in the way I did with him!

I have a now 4 yr old and a 2.5 yr old. (21 months apart). The first year was the hardest. Baby + potty training 🥲

The age they are now is my favourite so far. They play beautifully together (mostly).