Does it get easier! Second baby, I'm drowning

[cakeorbreak]

I just feel like I'm failing.

Currently unwell, looking after what was two under two, never get a moment to actually breathe my baby in and cuddle him. My adorable eldest is hyper, climbing on me, climbing up walls literally, I really feel like I just spend my time telling him off.

We try and get out every day but it's hard especially with the weather changing.

I'm so tired. I feel so stressed. Exclusively breastfeeding doesn't help - baby won't take a bottle. I don't feel like I'm being a very fun mum.

I feel like I'm missing the baby bit while simultaneously missing spending time with my eldest because I'm just firefighting constantly.

Ages 5 months and 2y 4m - does it get easier? I feel so guilty to not be enjoying every single day as much as possible.

Hand hold. I don’t have the answers as the jump to 2 (I have a 3 yo and a 16 week old) has been so hard and obviously we are behind you re: amount of time as 2! My eldest goes to pre school 6.5h a day, 3 days per week. It allows me time to just connect with the baby as opposed to palming him off on whoever happens to be around. Is some form of childcare possible for your eldest?

If all else fails my SIL said hers (gap 2y9months) became easier when baby was down to 1 nap (so roughly 1) and easier again when youngest was properly walking and starting to talk. Hang on in there!

@VivaVivaa hope you're ok. It's really tough. I have two nursery days a week but on those days I have so many chores to do, but do try to connect with baby a bit and have some one on one time. It just feels so difficult right now, I'm exhausted. I find the baby easy, but I find my toddler absolutely exhausting and adorable in equal measure 🤣

Huge sympathies, I found the jump from 1 to 2 was so hard at first. (Just over 2 year gap, on lockdown). It does get easier when the feeds and naps reduce, and you get more sleep at night. I formula fed so that was easier too as my partner could take a feed.

The days were a blur of feeds, naps, toddler meals, tantrums (!). Getting us all out was an Olympic feat. I think you need to massively reduce all expectations on yourself and if everyone is fed and fairly happy then the days been a success! It really is mentally and physically so hard having both children all the time and I always felt like my baby was getting less attention than they should but in reality they loved having a constant sidekick and the sibling bonds formed during that time and they are inseparable now. CBeebies / Cosmic Yoga / Playdoh / colouring etc were my saviour. Anything to occupy my toddler during the feeds. Also if you’re really desperate a daytime bubble bath is fun for the toddler and you can feed then too xx

(And we used the baby bouncer a lot too, so she could watch her sister playing and this kept her fairly upright after a feed)

It’s really hard. I have both mine (15 weeks and 3 next month) alone two days a week and while we have had lovely moments it’s exhausting. It’s not unusual for me not to eat on those days as I don’t get a chance. It’s a whirlwind of up, nappies, breakfast for eldest, load dishwasher, feed DD, brush DS’s teeth and get dressed. Load the car and out we go. Back for lunch, cook lunch (sometimes one handed!) unload dishwasher, load dishwasher, try to get DD to nap while DS tries to talk to me.

Tomorrow we’re going on an owl trail and meeting owls - god knows how it’ll go! Either be delightful or horrific. My working days were Monday to Wednesday but I changed DS nursery days to Monday, Wednesday and Friday as to be honest both DD and myself need to recover in between!

Oh and I’m expressing milk for DD as well. Luckily I have a portable pump. But I do regularly feel both my children are ignored more than they should be

I just want to give you a hug. I remember those days so very well and boy where they hard. I was a sahm at the time
And I found it the hardest, most lonely time
Of my life. All my fiends told me repeatedly how they envied me being at home, but truth be told I hated it. I longed for adult company and to be able to waltz out the door carefree again. Honestly though, mine are all grumpy teens now and the years have passed so quickly. I now wish I had them at home watching peppa pig and chucking cereal all over the floor be at the worry you have as a teen mom is way worse.

Trust me you're doing a great job and your babies love you so much, give yourself some credit and allow yourself to not feel guilty for the hard days- it's very very normal!!

Xx

Exactly same boat with 2yr6month old and 4 month old. Feel like I've had no time to bond or enjoy my baby at all and also constantly telling toddler off and feeling extremely touched out

It does get easier OP. I have an almost 4yo and a 16mo, 2.5 year age gap. My youngest would have been about 5 months this time last year. Trying to remember what I used to do... lots of libraries and soft play - pop baby on the floor on his back to look at stuff and play with eldest. We also went outside more or less regardless of the weather, really awful weather then no but a bit wet or windy then yes. Usually drive to a park (none within walking distance) and eldest played and baby either in the pram or wrapped up and laid on the floor - I used to use a sunsense tent to keep the wind/drizzle off him. Also double buggy, absolutely lifesaver. Pop them in, raincover if needed, and go for a walk, eldest could get out and walk / puddle jump etc if wanted, or sometimes id put his bike on the buggy and he'd go on that once we got off the road onto a track.

To feel close to the baby I used a ring sling a lot, then at about 6 months I switched to a mai tai (sp?) back carry. I found this helped me feel close to him while still being able to play with eldest. he did most of his naps in the carrier. I also used to snuggle with him in the evening after eldest went to bed as he'd sleep while I watched TV for example.

I have no advice at all I just want to let u know ur not alone !! I have a 2 week old and a 23 month old and I feel exactly the same as u ! My toddler has hand foot and mouth atm. My DH is sept employed so has been back at work since baby was 4 days old coz we desperately need the money. I am shattered. I am riddled with guilt that I’m not giving either of them enough of me and tbh I’m quite lonely. Most days I’m on my own with them for about 12 hrs !! I’m just trying to put one foot in front of the other and plod on as I have no other solution !

Ooooohh I can really relate to your post! You seriously have my sympathies ❤️

I also had two under two with a similar gap. When my youngest was 6mo and eldest 2yrs that was easily the hardest part by far. I remember crying because I felt like I was drowning in it all and not able to take in all the good bits. properly. My patience went down the pan and I'd get the worst mum guilt. As you describe its being pulled in two completely different directions and not feeling like you can really focus on either child properly!

It is bloody hard work unfortunately and there's no easier answer at the moment. Mine are now 18 months and 3yrs and it has definitely got easier. Either that or I've just got used to it.

I found a big improvement when my youngest stopped breastfeeding and started walking / communicating. I also leant on other people for help wherever I could. Don't be afraid to do that if it's going to help you.

Hang on in there, you'll look back and realise you did amazing given the circumstances xxx

Other things to make it easier with eldest

• make a "yes" space/s
• pick up some new toys off marketplace / vinted / charity shops to bring out when you need to
• reduce access to as many as possible of the things you have to say no to, so you only have to say no to the stuff you really have to (really this is similar to the yes space)

Other things for you

• listen to some janet lansbury podcasts if you can, she has a calming influence on me 🤣 (and has some really good tips in short podcasts)
• get some wireless / Bluetooth earphones so you can listen to above podcasts, or audible books or music, whatever makes you happy
• I also bedshared as it made life easier, that may help if you feel like that is an option for you (also added benefit of closeness with baby)

@Surroundedbyfools two weeks is very little, you are probably still recovering from the birth as well

Thanks everyone for lovely words.

We are already doing most of the suggestions. Lots of double buggy walks, soft play, cafes, library etc. but all of that still feels very focused around my toddler, and like the baby is just along for the ride. Some days I feel I've barely looked at him and it's really upsetting me. I feel guilty that he's not getting the same experience as his brother at this age.

We cosleep and bf all night so that does help with closeness. And yes the baby carrier is being used all the time.

I think what I want is some uninterrupted time to bond with baby, without feeling the pressure of chores and errands and food prep and sorting clothes etc etc. on my two nursery days I find I'm just working through a list as long as my arm, and the baby still isn't getting much attention.

I just feel like I'm missing his baby stage.

My DH is great, but always at work. When he's home he does do toddler bedtime. And I don't get any time to spend with him either but that's another post 🤣🤣

@cakeorbreak i can relate to that. I definitely feel on my two solo days with them both DD gets carted around after DS. She’s very chilled and doesn’t seem to mind particularly, plus we do classes which are more aimed at toddlers but there are lights and bubbles and so on. She doesn’t seem too fussed and fell asleep in my arms at a Halloween party yesterday, how she slept through me doing the Hokey Cokey with DS I don’t know!

I think babies enjoy being out and about. I hope so anyway!

It definitely gets easier! And probably a lot sooner then you think.

My youngest has just turned 1, eldest just turned 3, and I'm in such a better place then I was 6 months ago. It feels like we function as a family unit now, and not just me torn between 2 babies, if that makes sense?!

It's exhausting worrying that your attention is not divided equally between the two but some days that is just the reality of it. Sounds like you use a carrier? Maybe just use that as much as possible, because at 5 months all baby really wants/needs is to be close to you. Then that frees you up to do activities with your eldest.

Try not to worry too much. Your doing brilliantly and try to get some time to recharge your batteries

the baby will benefit from all the toddler activities too, and since you're using the carrier, bf and bedsharing, the baby is getting lots of closeness which is great ❤️ (you could look at it as that being his 'activity' if you like, that's your input to his development, hopefully that makes sense!)

As pp said, I feel like we are more of a family unit now rather than being split between the two of them and feeling like I never meet both of their needs. I think it got a lot easier when youngest could crawl.

I found 0-1 a breeze but 1-2 almost broke me. So much so I got DH to get a vasectomy as I just can’t bear to risk doing it again.

Theyre 2 and 4 now and I really enjoy it. I’d say it has just got better and better from when the youngest turned 6m.

i carries no.2 in a sling all the time - and learnt to boob in it.

Yes it gets easier. Yes baby is just along for the ride 90% of the time. That's fine 🙂.

Just to warn you when dc2 is first walking at toddler pace and dc1 is basically running at adult pace, that's quite hard. But it does get easier after that, I promise!

Definitely gets easier. DD is 2y 3pm the and DS is 10 months and it's getting better every week.
The first few months were a whirlwind and I just felt like I was constantly treading water.
We have some bad moments but mostly it's good now.

It's so hard but it will get easier. Go easy on yourself, you're doing great!

My average day looks like....

Wake around 6.30-7, sit in bed reading books with toddler while feeding baby, get up go downstairs and get toddler and myself breakfast, tidy kitchen unload/load dishwasher, sort the dog out, get myself showered with baby while toddler watches tv, get us all dressed and ready to go out, go out for a couple of hours to the park or soft play or a toddler class or something, home for lunch, bit of tv for toddler while I tidy upstairs/stick a wash on/put washing away/feed baby/drink a cup of tea and then we normally head out again in the afternoon for a dog walk, or if it's raining we stay home do some baking/arts and crafts (I find these afternoons staying at home difficult tbh) before dinner at 5.30 bath and then bed at 7-7.30.

This is fine in principle but I just feel like I'm chasing my tail. Is this normal? Is this what other mums do with two kids? Am I missing something? I just feel constantly frazzled!

It's hard OP! Is your eldest at nursery? My DD continued going 2.5 days a week when younger DD was born.

@Abfab63 you've hit the nail on the head. I feel like I'm drowning and not managing anything very well.

Also when I do have a day where I feel like I've smashed it, there is no one around to say well done so it feels so thankless!

I think I am lonely too. It's so hard to find people to hang out with! None of my friends have children the same age they're either all older or tiny newborns and don't want to hang with me and crazy toddler 🤣

I promise you it will get easier and you will get better every day! I have a 7 mo and a 23 mo.

It has been so tough but I now feel like I am getting there. It all changed when baby hit a new milestone and can engage in the world much more. It's actually really nice now!

I could have written your post... I have been so lonely up until just very very recently.

Every day is a struggle and my expectations are low, I can't go out, clean and cook (until recently). Before this, I would just go out and cook and leave the house a tip for DH or til they went to bed.

It's so tough, I hope it gets easier for you xxx

I’m 3 months in to the same thing, feeling similar at times but then other moments feeling great for a second. I’m expressing and find at times like today when I got back home from the toddler group, they were both needing a sleep, eldest needed lunch and had a dirty nappy, my boobs were about to explode, baby was crying needing fed and needed a nappy change. Everything gets so intense in those moments and it’s usually when my toddler decides to climb up on something, run round with something he can’t have or like yesterday, just start drawing all over the floor 😩 I’m trying to just speak calmly to myself in my head and focus on getting through one task at a time. I’m planning to switch to formula towards the end of December so that I can kind of get ‘me’ back in January and have maybe a spare 30 seconds in my day to myself 🙈

I’m so knackered when they go to bed but end up staying up because I have literally everything else to do in that time and my poor dog is just standing staring at me desperate to go a walk.

The thing getting me through is knowing how quick the first bit goes and looking at my toddler feeling like I literally blinked since he was the baby. It is a shame I don’t have the same energy and enthusiasm for everything with my baby as I had with my first but I think that’s just what happens sadly. I also feel so emotional about the fact that’s probably it so my last baby is just growing up before my eyes at lightening speed and I’m too busy trying to stay afloat to be able to enjoy it all or take it in 🙈