I think I hate my baby

[ziggyandthespiders]

Controversial subject I know but I can’t think of any other way to phrase it.

My first baby is 11 weeks old and I just can’t take it any more. I had a traumatic pregnancy (misdiagnosis of cleft lip and brain damage and lots of hospital screw ups along the way) and I was so sure that things would be 1000% better when my baby was in my arms and I could look after him…. But it’s not.

Since around 2 weeks old my baby refuses to sleep in his Moses basket or next to me crib. This has resulted in me and my husband having to split the nights having 4 hours sleep each then holding him/repeatedly try to put him back down to sleep with no success. During the day he won’t even settle sleeping while held and the only way to get him to sleep is in a sling/carrier but even then it’s constant hard work to keep him asleep with rocking, bum patting, white noise etc, even when he’s clearly so tired.

We have been back and forth to the GP too many times to count now. He is on Omeprazole which helps with his reflux symptoms (previously he was choking on acid coming back into his throat, having acid throw up etc), we’re trialing Nutramigen for suspected cows milk allergy but it doesn’t seem to be making a difference. Baby seems to have severe wind issues that keep him awake/wake him. To me to looks like gripey pain where he’s wriggling around in discomfort but we’ve tried every ‘colic’ product on the market, Infacol, gripe water, dentinox etc and none of them make the slightest bit of difference. Also tried all different kinds of bottles and none have made a difference.

Because of it all I really resent my baby and feel like I’ve made a massive mistake in having him. None of parenting is a joy. It’s just 4 hours sleep a night then having to wear him all day to ensure he sleeps then putting up with his constant crying while awake. I don’t feel like a person any more and have no enjoyment of anything. All I want is for him to at least sleep alone at night so I can have some sort of break from him and actually hug my husband (impossible because one of us has to wear baby constantly). The bond I have with my baby is disappearing by the day because there’s no signs of anything improving, only getting worse. I can’t imagine things magically improving at 3/4 months as much as I would love to cling on to hope of that. Everything just feels so unbearable and I don’t want to deal with it any more. I have spoken to the GP about it and been prescribed anti depressants because I know I’m dealing with PND but haven’t taken them as I’m looking into talking therapy first (just so expensive privately and the NHS waiting list is at least 4 months).

I don’t really know what the point of this post is, I just had to dump my feelings somewhere.

I’m really sorry you’re having such a hard time.
Have you tried cosleeping safely? If he’s right next to you, he may stay settled and you can rest too.
My baby slept terribly for the first few months and it really was hell. He didn’t like to go into the next to me to start with. We found that using a sleeping bag helped. I’d get him to sleep on me then transfer him in his sleeping bag, with white noise playing, and he would stay asleep. If he woke up and wasn’t due a feed, we would try to settle him in the cot before picking him up. It didn’t always work but it began to more and more as we persisted.
Are you getting a break at all during your days? Is there someone who can support you and give you a little time where you can be you?

Please take your antidepressants. PND can be very dangerous and is often hormonal.. whilst talking therapies are always helpful at stressful times they will not get rid of something that is partially hormonal.
It's understandable you feel you are barely coping with the lack of sleep. However hating your baby really is part of pnd. I know because I had pnd with my first but not my second. I didn't realise what a real bond with my baby felt like until I had my second. There was no way I could hate her even when she cluster fed and woke every hour. I realised how ill I had been with my first. I did not even want to hold him in the hospital because the delivery had been so long and traumatic. It's something you need to understand is an illness and accept treatment for. It's so hard but you will get through this. I know what it feels like, the almost crushing weight of guilt and responsibility and the lack of sleep.. the dark places your mind goes to. I felt like a terrible person but I was just very ill and did not realise until months in. Honestly just take the antidepressants and have the talking therapy. Keep reaching out for help. Anyone who offers to watch the baby who you trust, so you can rest, let them. Get a friend to take the baby out for walks in the pram while you have a power nap. My sympathies really are with you. Stay strong and keep going. I'm on my 3rd baby now and i can tell you the pnd did not last forever.. nor did my baby waking every 4 hours. I also did not experience it again after my first.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. My youngest didn’t sleep, reflux and later found was allergic to my milk. She would scream all night and constantly vomit. The hospital even offered to take her back for a few nights to give me a break. I didn’t take them up on it. Probably should’ve! It was 2 years til she slept better and I was near crazy. She’s 15 and still doesn’t sleep 🙄 . But find as much support as you can. Even if someone can help out in the day to give you a break. I didn’t have support and life then is just a blur of trying to survive. Big hugs as it’s the worst to go through !

Hi, my baby was like this early on.

She had terrible colic until 4/5"months. In the evening she would not settle unless carried, rocked or was moving. I would spend hours every day rocking her in my arms until it settled.

Sleep was terrible... I don't think I slept much too.

I did get help from my family with child care which made a big difference. So I had a 2 hour window to go gym daily.

At 4 months, I felt the colic improved.

You're having a really bloody hard time and you're knackered. I had the same with my first baby and didn't love her till she was 6 months old. You need sleep and rest and you can't get it at the moment. But it will come and so will the love. When it does it will knock you for six and you'll forget all the horrific sleepless nights. Fake it till you make it snd be kind to yourself. This is really hard.

My first was like yours is now. I can only say that I am sorry this is your current reality because that feeling of relentless blackness is one I wish to never experience again. But I am telling you this will get better and this is not how life is going to remain. You are in the thick of it and having a baby like this does take everything from you.

My second is what I would consider a more typical baby and I realise even more how rough I had it first time.

Counselling changed my life when I was in the grip of PND so please keep exploring that route. To give you some hope, my high needs baby is now four years old and full of personality. She is still very challenging but brings so much light to my life. This will pass and you WILL get through.

Do you mean your baby has brain damage so has additional needs rather than just the regular baby stuff?

Wow really 2 hours every day? I only got that when mine turned 3 (3 hours nursery per day) but then I had another to look after.

Op my firstborn was the same. Its brutal and I completely understand how you are feeling.

You need to speak to your HV and/or your gp. When mine was 16 weeks I wanted to drive my car into a wall.

You need support for trauma and probably Pnd.

Is there anyone at all you can call on to give you some respite?

There's no easy answer but it's vital that you share your feelings with a professional to avoid becoming overwhelmed

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way and have had such a difficult experience.

I would also suggest having a talk with your health visitor if you feel able to so that they can refer you to the perinatal mental health team. They specialise in things such as PND and I think would be more suitable than seeking private therapy.

Hi OP.
I'm currently still trying to emerge from PND at 7 months PP.
I relate to everything you have written and find it almost too hard to read, because I was where you are now, a few months ago.
(I didn't understand whether your baby does or doesn't have brain damage or cleft lip though. I hope that you mean they said baby did, but doesn't?)

Things will get better.
I was practically willing anyone to take my baby away (permanently) until he was about 5 months old, it was so hard. He was so miserable and would only contact nap. Cried ALL the time. We had the reflux/CMPA crap too.

Some practical tips (I'm sure you've tried most!)

• Baby Bjorn baby chair - mine would occasionally sit happily alone for a few minutes and could often be soothed by me rocking it
• If you have strong suspicion of CMPA then you need an amino acid formula eg neocate. However not all screamy babies at this age have cmpa so don't tie all hopes to this (didn't help mine)
• Have you had baby checked for tongue tie? If you're near London I'd recommend the Tongue Tie Centre with Camille but up north I head Milk Matters is amazing. Tongue tie cut didn't unfortunately help mine but helps lots.
• Try the pram incrementally to see if baby will tolerate it. Mine began to occasionally sit in there from 3-4 months (but still fusses at 7 months)
• I did Ferber at 5-6 months so that I could put baby down in cot for naps and it has changed things SO much for the better. That would improve night sleep too. It's far too early for you to do sleep training yet but you could read up on options so that when the time comes you know what you're willing to try or not try
• as others have said please start antidepressants and continue waiting for therapy

This will pass. I promise x

My first was just like this and while I never ticked all the boxes for PND and realised years later I'd probably had post national anxiety (it's actually more common then PND but not many health professionals seem to know much about it).

A couple of things that really help, finding a network of local mums with children of different ages, as some had had similar experiences. I went to the local NCT coffee morning, they where a real life line in the early days. You may find another group in your local area.

Reading this book The Fussy Baby Book: Parenting your high-need child from birth to five https://amzn.eu/d/1HN85cs. It just made me feel like it wasn't me doing anything wrong and some babies are just.like this.

By the way the said baby is now 16 I love her to bits and can't quite believe how fast the time has gone. Bit it does feel like forever when your stuck in those early baby days.

I also had a second more normal baby who made me realise what the other mums with babies had been saying about babies just being a bit gripe. As my first just screamed.

Please take the ADs. They are prescribed to give you headspace for other things to work. Also: you shouldn't need to wait for talking therapies with a baby so small, as you should be able to access perinatal mental health services. Speak to your GP and HV and ask to be referred.

I had a similar situation- PNA and PND with PTSD- and it really helped to take the medication and work with perinatal mental health. It sounds like this may impact you bonding with your baby, so getting specialist help is really important at this stage. (I now have a happy healthy 4 year old who is my favourite person in the world).

I hated the first 3 months of both of my children. I hated pregnancy too so that's two years of my life which were awful.
(They're now 7 and 11 and I adore them, it does get better).

My words of wisdom:
Put your relationship with your husband on hold. Neither of you are going anywhere and this is a few months in your life you both need to put your heads down and get through.
Find a friend who will hold your baby for an hour a week. Again put socialising on the back burner and use that time to sleep/regroup.

Do not feel alone. The people saying parenting a baby is a joy are lying (maybe to themselves too)

Good luck, you'll make it through and all your relationships (husband, mates, baby) will be stronger.

I second speaking to GP or HV and asking for the perinatal mental health team. Please tell them how your bond with baby is being affected too. They can help, they’re a specialist team. At the very least they should be able to assess you and advise xx

My son was similar, bar the colic, it was a nightmare. He'd only sleep if put on his tummy. After over 6 weeks we had to give in and just monitor him when he slept on his tummy. But that's obviously against the official advice...

OP, you are in the throws of a tough start to motherhood with PND on top and it's bloody hard. My 3rd baby was a nightmare and I've never felt as sleep deprived as I did for the first 14 months of her life. I'd have given anything for more than 2 hours of sleep.

A few things suggested to me were

A vibrating baby chair
Visiting an osteopath
Propping baby up to sleep
Burping mid feed
Dummy
Very regular feeding pattern

My baby was breastfed so she used me for comfort a lot for her reflux. But some of the above did help, but it was still more than a year before she slept more than 2 hours at a time. However we made it through and she's now a grumpy 11 year old.

Oh OP it's so hard and I really feel for you. I totally understand the bit when you say you can't imagine it getting better and these early days seem to go on FOREVER, but you have to believe us - it will. Honestly. I think taking the antidepressants will help.

Oh bless you, it’s so hard - take a deep breath.
I feel like I could of wrote this myself, baby wouldn’t sleep unless he was being held, fought every nap and screamed after every bottle. I remember thinking why have a decided to have a baby, why didn’t I wait a year because I can’t do this. If people used to say to me “this to shall pass” I’d want to fucking scream because it’s no help in the moment.
I think I didn’t realise that when they’re so tiny their little bodies are literally getting used to functioning, they’re learning how to digest etc but keep pressing for a CMPA diagnosis if you think it might be this.
A disco light was also a life saver! We used to put the baby in a baby swing and switch the disco light on and he’d be content for 10-15 mins while we ate our food with both hands 😂.

I promise it does get better!
DS had colic and reflux and screamed for the first 4 months of his life (at least it felt that way). Like you I tried everything, reflux medication etc. What finally made a huge difference was weaning him at 4 months under GP instruction etc. Almost overnight he was a changed baby. By 7 months he was sleeping through the night and eating 3 meals a day. He is now a happy little love.

But those times were hard on us and I wouldn't go through it again. Do whatever you can to get through and if your doctor thinks you should have some medication then you should take it, for the relationship with your baby if nothing else.

I hope things get better for you soon.x

Please please take the antidepressants. Talking therapy is great but you need the ADs.

Things absolutely will get better so hang on in there. You are in the thick of newborn hell but you will survive.

Put the baby down for 2 minutes to hug your husband if you need it.

Take any offers of help you can get.

Finally download a white noise app on your phone & try all the different noises. My colicky DD would only settle to a washing machine noise on pretty loud.

I haven't read the replies, just came to say that my baby was like this too. It's mentally and physically draining. I sleep trained her at 5.5 months and honestly it saved my sanity. She's now nearly one and I can honestly say that from the time she was sleep trained, is the only time I started to enjoy her. It's still hard, but the hard pails in comparison to what it was.
It gets better, light at the end of the tunnel etc

Could you ask your HV if you have an early attachment service where you are? They can support parents who are concerned about bonding.
Please reach out for support, from your HV, family or friends. The first months are hard. You're finding it hard because it IS hard when you have a baby that's unsettled.
Will baby settle in skin to skin?
I second a paediatric cranial osteopath, I took my babies and it helped.

Please take the antidepressants.