Controversial subject I know but I can’t think of any other way to phrase it.
My first baby is 11 weeks old and I just can’t take it any more. I had a traumatic pregnancy (misdiagnosis of cleft lip and brain damage and lots of hospital screw ups along the way) and I was so sure that things would be 1000% better when my baby was in my arms and I could look after him…. But it’s not.
Since around 2 weeks old my baby refuses to sleep in his Moses basket or next to me crib. This has resulted in me and my husband having to split the nights having 4 hours sleep each then holding him/repeatedly try to put him back down to sleep with no success. During the day he won’t even settle sleeping while held and the only way to get him to sleep is in a sling/carrier but even then it’s constant hard work to keep him asleep with rocking, bum patting, white noise etc, even when he’s clearly so tired.
We have been back and forth to the GP too many times to count now. He is on Omeprazole which helps with his reflux symptoms (previously he was choking on acid coming back into his throat, having acid throw up etc), we’re trialing Nutramigen for suspected cows milk allergy but it doesn’t seem to be making a difference. Baby seems to have severe wind issues that keep him awake/wake him. To me to looks like gripey pain where he’s wriggling around in discomfort but we’ve tried every ‘colic’ product on the market, Infacol, gripe water, dentinox etc and none of them make the slightest bit of difference. Also tried all different kinds of bottles and none have made a difference.
Because of it all I really resent my baby and feel like I’ve made a massive mistake in having him. None of parenting is a joy. It’s just 4 hours sleep a night then having to wear him all day to ensure he sleeps then putting up with his constant crying while awake. I don’t feel like a person any more and have no enjoyment of anything. All I want is for him to at least sleep alone at night so I can have some sort of break from him and actually hug my husband (impossible because one of us has to wear baby constantly). The bond I have with my baby is disappearing by the day because there’s no signs of anything improving, only getting worse. I can’t imagine things magically improving at 3/4 months as much as I would love to cling on to hope of that. Everything just feels so unbearable and I don’t want to deal with it any more. I have spoken to the GP about it and been prescribed anti depressants because I know I’m dealing with PND but haven’t taken them as I’m looking into talking therapy first (just so expensive privately and the NHS waiting list is at least 4 months).
I don’t really know what the point of this post is, I just had to dump my feelings somewhere.