No family/friend support for childcare - tips to help?

[Marmitecatbean]

Just wondering if there's many others here who have no family or friends nearby and do 100% of their childcare alone or between them and their partner?

I have a toddler and now a new baby and it can feel hugely lonely at times, especially seeing other who have parents/in laws for support and I wondered if anyone had any tips/stories for managing?

Do you use nursery at all? My toddler goes to nursery three days a week and it is my salvation just at the moment to be honest! I also have a three month old.

It is lonely . Can you afford some time in nursery, or for a mothers help/au pair type situation? Company for you and help too?

We had a parents’ group that met once a month for coffee at someone’s house and one evening a month for a talk. We also operated a baby sitting circle where we sat for each other, earning points which paid for people to sit for us. Could you advertise at the GP for other mums to get together? Do you go to classes like Monkey Music where you can meet other mums?

Sorry if I'm missing something but obviously you use paid childcare. I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and no family locally so I use nursery/pre-school. Why would you have children with no plan regarding who was going to look after them?

I tried to get out every day where possible.

Went to mum and toddler groups, also got involved with my local NCT.

Made friends through the NCT babies group.

@MrsSamR i think it depends hugely. Most people use paid childcare for when they are working. If you find yourself at home, whether that’s to be a SAHM or on maternity leave for a second time, people may not use childcare and then yes it does get lonely with little ones. I know if I had parents living locally I could break the afternoons up a bit visiting them, or for those times you might want a bit of help - like when DH is working away, I don’t though so that’s that! But it would be nice …

Money!
At that stage, we (well, I) had a 15yo come over 3x a week from 6 - 7 to help with bed & bath time. They were DH's days to stay in the office as late as he needed and then he'd try and be home by 6.30 on the other days (logging on again later if needed).

Assume you won't go out again for at least 10 years. Try to make up for it with a takeaway and stand up comedy on Netflix.

Use nursery and if you work full time then take one day every month or so off so you and DH can do something without the DC (we try and fail at this as we are all busy with work)

But again, sorry I'm struggling to see how you've not prepared for that. I literally go back to work next week after my second maternity leave after just having a year off with my second daughter. I kept my first daughter in nursery 3 days a week and enjoyed my time at home with my second - whether going and meeting friends or at home just the two of us. Surely you prepare for having children knowing you won't have help with childcare?

Well yes but otherwise - there are no simple date nights etc or overnight stays away, no childfree weddings etc

We use childcare in the day time but the cost of that means we can't afford babysitters etc so basically everything we do, we do as a family. No dates just the two of us! You have to just accept it op.

Not everyone is able to keep childcare going when on maternity leave, or at all.

Have 4dc and no support other than the 3 year + part time nursery place. Dc are 14,12,9,9. The 14 and 12 year olds went to playgroup and small village daily coffee gatherings at each others homes. The twins were a very different story, we had Thursday twins club. There were other groups but filled up with childminders.

We've been in our town almost 10 years and the husband after maybe 5 years actually got me invited to a night out that led to some friendships and twice a year meet ups. l

I naturally really love being with kids so it's been no real hardship on my part. Just very lonely.

Exactly my point - we don't go out as a couple as one of us is always with the children. That is the sacrifice that having children means. It baffles me that people think they'll have kids and magically be able to have the freedom of their old lives somehow.

Well then either stop having more children that you can't afford or stop complaining about it online. 🤷‍♀️

Yes, I think you are totally missing something and come across as rude and patronising. Poor OP just feels a bit lonely and is hoping for advice to help her through mentally - she isn't asking for advice about what to do about nursery.

I’m sorry that you feel so alone, I totally understand where your coming from.
sadly we don’t have any support or help from family, I don’t work so I’m the one who does everything for the children/house. I love being home for them all the time. But wouldn’t mind a date night with my husband once or twice a year!
being a mum is the hardest job in the world, I see others receiving support and it does make me a little jealous.
when my kids have their families I’ll make sure im there to help and support them if they want/need it. I’d hate to think someone was made to feel like I do sometimes

Well I accept that we don't go out as a couple, but I do sometimes see other people doing it and think ah it would be nice to go for lunch sometimes without the kids in tow! It can be an adjustment when you first have kids and when you're surrounded by other people with a lot of family help I think it can be normal to feel a little envious. I don't see why this is baffling.

We a) paid for babysitters, b) made friends with other local parents and traded favours, c) occasionally arranged stays with family who are further away either at ours or at theirs. If you are lonely, I would focus on b.

Try and find friends in a similar situation. Then between you all you'll get a night or weekend afternoon off at some point! I couldn't cope without a few good friend who will help out when I need a few hours break.

My goodness some people really have no capacity for empathy or kindness. The OP hasn’t failed to prepare for having children, nor does it seem that she expects free help to magically materialise. She’s simply a bit lonely raising her children without any family nearby - which to me seems perfectly understandable.

OP, we’re in the same boat and despite my toddler going to nursery 4 days a week (yea, we had that brilliant idea too) some days at home with the baby can feel lonely, as despite having a large social circle, it’s just not the same as having a mum or a sister nearby. I see you and hear you and send you hugs x

Could you move back nearer family and friends?

This is pretty much what we do. Although we don't work full time and we need a lot of our annual leave for sick kids so we usually only do twice a year annual leave date days.

Every fortnight we get a takeaway and watch something together when the kids are in bed mid-week.

None of our families lived in the same country as us and DT’s went to full time nursery when they were six months old and I returned to work.
We used two of the nursery staff as babysitters so that DH and I could go out for dinner together each week.

I’m a lone parent, I just get told to pay for a babysitter but that’s not affordable for me. I live 10 mins from family but they would never have my kids so it’s not just about living close to them.

No tips other than it does get easier.

mine are 13 & 9 now & have never had any help or support and the early years were the toughest