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Parenting

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Original poster

Oh arse, I suspect I may be crap... please tell me you've done worse!

32 replies

snowleopard · 09/03/2008 20:18

Birthday of friend's DD, we went to party and gave a book as a present. It didn't go down all that well and at first I thought they must already have it and were just being nice. But then I had an awful feeling that I might have given the same child the same book already - maybe at xmas or a previous birthday - I can't be sure anyway because since having DS I have no memory power whatsoever. Because I can't work out whether I did or not, I can't bring it up and apologise.

A lot of the time I like to think I try hard as a mum... but I am just soooo hopeless when it comes to organising and doing social stuff, especially DS's friends/other parents/kids' parties etc. I try but I just haven't got what it takes to chit-chat and take an interest in everyone's kids and get it right. I know that sounds mean - I'm not, I like other people but I just put my foot in it and it seems like such a mountain to climb not to screw up in one way or another. Seriously, I worry my social rubbishness is going to be such a pain for DS as he gets older (he's still a toddler now).

Can someone make me feel better

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

rantinghousewife · 09/03/2008 20:22

Have another bottle!
If it helps, I'm no better, I DO try to feign interest in other peoples little darlings but my eyes tend to glaze over (and I have one of those faces where you can tell what I'm thinking, too).
And your ds will have a whole social life when he's older that won't really include his parents. Don't worry about it.

whomovedmychocolate · 09/03/2008 20:22

So you got the wrong gift. It could have been much much worse, you could have forgotten to give a gift, written the wrong name on the card or even turned up on the wrong day. The book will no doubt be returned or 'regifted' if you did give it previously, but unless you are actually the author of the book, it's completely forgiveable.

Don't worry, mums fuck up sometimes too, it's part of being human and that's why our kids love us

callmeovercautious · 09/03/2008 20:23

If you are sure you have doubled up - why not make a joke of it in a week or so - "gosh you know that book? me and my nappy brain, etc etc" I assume as you bought for the same child at least twice before you are friends with her Mum? Surely she will see the funny side - I would. But then I am a bit like you. I like the idea of all these close friends but it is hard work.

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avenanap · 09/03/2008 20:24

Have you tried writing a list of all presents coming in and all presents going out? This way you'll not get them mixed up and you can give away your unwanted presents to someone else in the safe knowledge that yo have not returned them to the person who gave you the gift in the first place. Don't worry, I forgot to send my dad a birthday card yesterday so you are not alone.

DoubleBluff · 09/03/2008 20:25

Don't worry about it,
I have forgottne to to turn up at a parrty before, I am therefore really crap!

rantinghousewife · 09/03/2008 20:25

Oh and I've organised a playdate (on more than one occasion) and been completely caught off guard when the childs mum has said to me,' are we still on for tonight'

ronshar · 09/03/2008 20:25

How rude. You gave a present and it didnt go down well. I would have been tempted to take back the book while stating that they obviously missed the manors lesson at pre-school!.

Dont worry about it too much. Things do get better.

RustyBear · 09/03/2008 20:28

I remember DS's comment a few years ago, when I'd forgotten to do something, and said 'Oh I'm a crap mum'

He said "You're a great mum, you're just a crap housewife....."

Spidermama · 09/03/2008 20:28

Loads of presents don't quite work out and most people I know just put them in a drawer somewhere and keep a stock of presents which will eventually find their way to the right child.

I wouldn't worry at all.

Kindersurpise · 09/03/2008 20:28

Don't panic, I am pretty crap at the socialising side of parenting too. DD is always asking for her friends to come around, and I forget to arrange things.

It was a bit rude of them to show that they were not happy with your gift.

Original poster

snowleopard · 09/03/2008 20:31

Ahhh a list avenanap... that would make sense, but I'm just snowed under and I know it would fall by the wayside. I'm self-employed, I do the household admin, and I'm part-time SAHM. I'm an organised person, but only up to a point. If I organised all this social stuff with that much precision, I literally wouldn't have time to work, eat and sleep!

I think one element is that a lot of the mums I know in my area are largely SAHM. I'm not judging them for that at all, I admire them, but it does mean they are focusing more on this stuff and paid work isn't demanding so much of their time and brainpower. I just feel like I need clones of me - one to organise social stuff full-time (as well as several others...)

Thanks for replies though - do feel a bit better

OP posts:

pointydog · 09/03/2008 20:31

oh snow, chin up.

Don't buy books as presents. Not a good choice for a forgetful person. Also some children aren't excited by books. If getting a positive reaction matters to you, just go for a 'fun' item.

Stop worrying about social rubbishness. POintless. I'm not good at pep talks but do I let it stop me

rantinghousewife · 09/03/2008 20:33

See, at least you have an excuse SL, I'm a SAHM and so abysymally unorganised, I ought to be hauled up in front of the MN firing squad!

FourPlusOne · 09/03/2008 20:35

They are the ones who are crap for showing they weren't totally happy with the gift

DS had 4 of the same toy for his birthday, just passed on 1 as a gift, left one at the granparents house, and one to a charity shop. It's their problem not yours! Not as if you did it on purpose.

Original poster

snowleopard · 09/03/2008 20:40

It wasn't am out-and-out "what a crap present" response, it was just lukewarm, they didn't look at the book or ask about it, just kind of put it aside and I sensed a "let's sweep this under the carpet" moment but I could be just paranoid.

The mum is a lovely friend, but so much nicer and more sociable than me so although I think it would be OK to have a laugh about it, the experience would I know leave me feeling worse. She is so good at this stuff - she constantly introduces me to new mum friends she has struck up conversation with at the swings or in the swimming pool. I just cannot and do not do that.

OTOH, their DD does not get a lot of books. TBH she has so many toys, I hesitate to give more because I'm worried about them being crowded out of their house (though everyone else at the party did give toys), I've given clothes in the past but she also has millions of them.

I don't want a good response so much as, it depresses me that I might have been so rubbish. If I knew for sure I hadn't given her it before, I wouldn't care if she didn't like it. See I'm charming aren't I.

OP posts:

onepieceoflollipop · 09/03/2008 20:41

How rude of them - not you.

I have a good memory and would remember if someone bought the same present for my dd - but I would NEVER respond to the giver with anything but appreciation and thanks. I would even encourage my dd who is 4 to say thank you nicely and later I would do a "deal" with her to replace it if necessary.

Your friend is a little like my sil. I bought dh's niece (her dd) a lovely book plus other nice presents. I said as I handed it over "oh I have the receipt in case she has it already" - sil said very coldly "yes she has actually". I also heard her complain that an aunt had bought the same present that she had 2 years before.

Buckets · 09/03/2008 20:43

We got a copy of Owl Babies from Bookstart and I absentmindedly threw it in the 'spare pressie box' as we already had a copy. Went to wrap it up one party day and eralised it had 'not for resale, Bookstart freebie' etc and that probably the birthday child probably had a free copy too! Too late though, was the only suitable gift in the box.

Cocobear · 09/03/2008 20:45

I'm a SAHM and still crap at this. I just buy a job lot of the same gift and bung them into a cupboard or drawer. So, buy ten nice, gender-neutral books, or toys, or whatever, just make sure they're all the same. Parcel them out at birthdays until you run out, then switch to something else (so you won't repeat with the same kid). As long as it's a nice gift, no one will mind that you gave little Charlie the same thing you gave little Bobby. And if they do mind, they really need a life.

Order the whole thing off the web and save further time!

Buckets · 09/03/2008 20:49

BTW, loads of our playground mums freely admit to buying up bargain packs of books from the Book People, School Link, Red House etc for parties so I would just assume any book received had not been lovingly pondered over in the independent bookstore.

RustyBear · 09/03/2008 20:50

But if you do that Cocobear & everyone else passes on unwanted presents, the last unfortunate child could end up getting ten of the same thing....

phlossie · 09/03/2008 20:51

If you had done that I would have laughed and said 'you bought that for us last year!' and then told you something to make you feel better, like I frequently forget other people's babies' names and I turned up at our NCT christmas get together at the right time... but on the wrong day.

onepieceoflollipop · 09/03/2008 20:56

It is not the present that matters, surely. Most children will have at least 4 or 5 friends at any party (usually significantly more). They open the presents with such speed and enthusiasm half of the time they don't realise what they have received anyway. Even if the child does realise surely the parents can exercise good manners. SO WHAT if they get 2 books the same? If that's the worst problem they ever have in their lives then lucky them.

snooks · 09/03/2008 21:04

Snowleapord, I know this isn't the point of the thread but go to Woolies or similar, buy a shedload of colouring books, felt-tips, pencils, paint, glitter etc and parcel a selection up when in need of a present. IMO kids can never have enough "craft stuff" and it's better than buying just one gift if you're not sure what the child already has or is into. (Doesn't cost that much either )

Btw, I can identify with a lot of your feelings in the OP too

Original poster

snowleopard · 09/03/2008 21:18

Oh snooks, that Is the answer! Crafty stuff is perfect as it gets used up, so I won't have to worry about adding to the toy mountain. (And I remember how much I loved it as a child too.) I will take your advice.

OP posts:

snooks · 09/03/2008 21:27

Snowleopard glad to be of help! I'm not organised with this stuff either but try and replenish my supplies when I'm near a Woolworths/Tesco/Wilko etc - it's also suitable for both genders (hurray) and I can usually cobble a birthday bundle together at short notice. While you're there buy a roll of suits-all giftwrap and some cards and you're sorted!

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