How can I stop my child from hurting me?

[SarahCCCCC]

I don't know what to do with my 5yo. When she doesn't get her own way she goes absolutely psycho. Hitting, scratching, kicking, screaming, the tantrum can go on for up to an hour, and for most of that time she will be trying get best to hurt me. I try to stay calm, I try to hold her so she can't hurt me, but she is strong and I eventually tire and have to leave the room. This often results in her doing what she wanted anyway as I'm not there to stop her. I feel I either have to put up with her hurting me or just let her have what she wants.
When she's calm she's in floods of tears, so sorry, says she's the worst person in the family, loves me lots. We have read books together about dealing with tantrums, we've role played taking anger out on cushions, we practiced counting to 10, which all work fine when she's calm. When she loses it though she has no interest in any of those and just wants to gouge chunks of my skin out instead. I literally don't know what to do. Obviously, I've said in a calm voice, I can't let you hurt me, but then I realise, can I actually stop you?

The girl is 5. You're an adult, so surely must be physically stronger than she is. When she starts having a tantrum, physically remove her from the room. Put her in another room or on the stairs or landing. Walk away and let her carry on. IF she tries to hurt you, either retrain her by holding onto her wrists or (no doubt people will disagree with this) smack her hard, just once, on her hands. If your 5 year old is doing this and not being punished or stopped in any way, can you possible imagine how she will be by the age of 10, 15? Stop trying to reason with her and TAKE CONTROL as an adult.

You don't mention a dad - where's the father in all this?
Is your daughter like this with anyone else?
How is she with kids at school? Siblings at all?

Hello,

It sounds like a painful and exhausting situation. It looks like you have done everything, but the situation has not improved.

Have you considered talking with a professional? They sometimes come up with great ideas.

So two things come to mind.

1. By the time she is having a tantrum it is too late to reason. Distract, re-direct, empathise and try to head off the tantrum.

1. Don't back down. Remove her safely from the situation and remind her of calm down techniques (and do them yourself!) and wait it out.

If you are giving in she will have learnt that no doesn't mean no, it means keep going till you get your way. Getting over that is going to take some steely nerve and some time, but needs to be done.

Set clear boundaries, agree some household rules and routines and make life very predictable.

If I take her to another room and leave her she will just do the thing I've said she can't, so that's futile.
I do try to restrain her but after half an hour or so I am getting physically exhausted. She's really strong and really vicious. She doesn't give up or calm down, just fights harder and harder. I end up practically sitting on her but she still manages to wriggle a hand out and dig her nails into my leg.
I've tried punishment when she's calmed down, such as time out, throwing toys away, but it hasn't helped. What would you do?

Who would I talk to? The gp is the only person I would know to go to, and I'm not sure they would have much time for something like this. Is there anyone you can suggest?

Have you read the how to talk book?

Why are you saying in a calm voice I can't let you hurt me? Should be a cross voice because you're presumably getting really hurt and annoyed. Not mean or aggressive to her but letting her know you are very very cross.

You want the parent version of positive handling or team teach.

This:

www.positivehandling.co.uk/de-escalation-interventions-for-parents-fostering-adoption/

I expect there are online versions.

If you speak to your GP or social services they may know local in person ones.

I would not advise restraining or smacking.

What is it she wants to do that you want her to stop?

School may be able to help with a referral to mental health support team for parenting support or the school nursing team.

I'd put in lots of positive parenting, one to one time every day doing things she wants to do, lots of genuine praise and reframe your relationship.

It can be very easy to see behaviour in small children as "evil" or manipulative, but it isn't helpful.

Try and look for patterns in her behaviour and what her trigger points are so you can avoid the tantrum altogether.

When she is calm talk through how the tantrum isn’t good because she hurts you/ breaks things etc. Reason through it.

Somehow when she is actually tantruming you need to keep her safe and not let her do the thing that she shouldn’t do.

When she is calm agree some house rules and why you need those rules.

She will out grow it but you need to start managing it now because she is going to get bigger. Figure out if she needs something before hand. Hunger, boredom, exercise.

It really helps if you have a safe quiet place to leave her such as in her own room - if you've put her safely in a room by herself she can't be doing anything so bad and you can leave her to get on with it until she's calmed down.

The GP is a good person to go to in the first instance, or the health visitor if you have one. The GP may point you at a parenting group, that's often the first step, and if that doesn't help or if there seems to be some kind of underlying problem the GP can refer you to a child psychologist. Or school may be able to help, as a pp has said.

In the meantime the How to Talk book is good, also Incredible Years which has a lot of strategies and is very no-nonsense. Or if your DD is rather rigid and blows up often when things don't go exactly her way then Explosive Child is good for de-escalation.

This might have something that helps you.

https://www.janetlansbury.com/2023/10/meltdowns-that-keep-happening-even-when-were-doing-everything-right/

www.pegsupport.co.uk

This organisation specialises in child to adult abuse. They can help.

Absolutely this. NO nicey nicey at all. Leave her to it and only engage again when talking in a normal voice. Get an apology afterwards, and a consequence (missed trip to the park/playdate etc). Reward good behaviour too.

Put her in her room on her own. But I think she needs professional help with this level of aggression. I certainly don't agree with restraining. Smacking is a no no these days but children wouldn't have been allowed to attack parents like this in the past. They wouldn't have dared.

She's hurting you then it results in her getting her way. This is the crux of the problem and no amount of calming techniques, talks or counting to ten will have an impact when she knows that the tantrums ultimately work and she'll have her way. You need to tackle the root of the problem and stop her from getting what she wants. I don't understand how her being in another room means she gets what she wants to do- could you please elaborate as I don't really get it. You need to make adjustments so this isn't possible e.g she is having a tantrum because she wants to eat chocolate for breakfast well store the chocolate where she can't reach it. Doesn't want to put shoes on - you just need to sit it out. You need to stand firm and take control or it will only get worse (I used to teach so speaking from experience).

What's the lead up to the tantrums?

Are there any other areas of life she struggles with or seems different to other children? What's she like at school?

These tantrums sound so extreme for a child her age, I'd be wondering if there was something underlying them.

What are these things she wants? If she wants TV put her in her room without it. If she wants to eat unlimited chocolate biscuits take them away from her and put them out of her reach. Don't give in to her and stand firm. No DD too many chocolate biscuits is bad for you.

Put her in your bedroom, hopefully there is no tv there. she is welcome to sort and match socks or read any of your non fiction books you have on your bedside table.

Seriously, she hits, she gets punished. At 5, she has to learn to control emotions. I don't explode every time a driver cuts me.

Hitting is a massive no. She hits, something she cherishes is gone.

Have a talk, tomorrow morning at breakfast. Tell her, this is the first day of a new era. There will be no tolerance for violence, so she'd better try to control her temper. You tell her also, you have planned nice things to do with her, and you would rather do those than argue with her. Now go and brush your teeth.

What sort of things are you saying no to that she can then do when she’s in another room?
Is there a way to reduce the nos but still get what you want?
The main things are:
-anticipate the unwanted demands and try to stay a step ahead but putting things out of sight etc
only say no if it really has to be no, try and say yes.
-remember that the way to stop her wanting something she shouldn’t have/do is to find something she wants even more, ie avoid the nos but still get her cooperating.
if she attacks you, be firm, be ready and keep trying put in place the alternatives you’ve been practising.
immediate reward for doing the alternative

If my child was attacking me like that they'd be getting a smacked bum. I remember hitting my mum once as a child, I got a sore backside and never even thought about doing it again.

These are exactly the questions I was thinking maybe needed asking.

My goodness OP, some utterly terrible advice on here with no knowledge of out of control behaviour. My DC is similar and it is not just a tantrum but a full on meltdown with no reasoning and aggression, your DD sounds similar. Please do not snack your child, it won't help (as well as being utterly insane).

Speak to the school, be honest and ask for support. They will have senco and pastoral support. Also read the book 'the explosive child' it's been an eye opener and a game changer for me.

Look for a parenting course with your local authority. If you Google parenting support for your area you are likely to find something. You could also look at self referring for a family support worker, to help you deal with this and strengthen your parenting.
You need to get this effectively sorted and if you can't do that on your own, get help. Your child does not have effective boundaries and that is very damaging, they will not feel secure without them, they will be internalising shame for their behaviour and it will only get worse as they get older if you don't get help.

I'm also curious about various things....

How is she doing at school?
Where was she before going to school and how was she there?

What sorts of things is it she gets like this over? Do you see any patterns eg time of day, any triggers like tiredness or sensory, any certain wants/needs?

She may have more going on than just "tantrums". What you're describing sounds more like meltdowns.

I'd also like to add a child can seem "fine" all day elsewhere and let it all out at home.

You mention if you leave the room she ends up getting what she wanted in the first place, so is it access to the TV/games/similar??

I don't want to give advice without more information than what is in your OP really.

Hi I know this is an old post but wondering if I can have update on how your child is doing now with aggression. I am going through the same with my child and I'm at a loss on what to do as nothing seems to work