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Original poster

How can I stop my child from hurting me?

33 replies

SarahCCCCC · 26/10/2023 21:17

I don't know what to do with my 5yo. When she doesn't get her own way she goes absolutely psycho. Hitting, scratching, kicking, screaming, the tantrum can go on for up to an hour, and for most of that time she will be trying get best to hurt me. I try to stay calm, I try to hold her so she can't hurt me, but she is strong and I eventually tire and have to leave the room. This often results in her doing what she wanted anyway as I'm not there to stop her. I feel I either have to put up with her hurting me or just let her have what she wants.
When she's calm she's in floods of tears, so sorry, says she's the worst person in the family, loves me lots. We have read books together about dealing with tantrums, we've role played taking anger out on cushions, we practiced counting to 10, which all work fine when she's calm. When she loses it though she has no interest in any of those and just wants to gouge chunks of my skin out instead. I literally don't know what to do. Obviously, I've said in a calm voice, I can't let you hurt me, but then I realise, can I actually stop you?

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qwertyqwertyqwertyqwerty · 16/05/2024 07:01

SarahCCCCC · 26/10/2023 21:33

If I take her to another room and leave her she will just do the thing I've said she can't, so that's futile.
I do try to restrain her but after half an hour or so I am getting physically exhausted. She's really strong and really vicious. She doesn't give up or calm down, just fights harder and harder. I end up practically sitting on her but she still manages to wriggle a hand out and dig her nails into my leg.
I've tried punishment when she's calmed down, such as time out, throwing toys away, but it hasn't helped. What would you do?

Stop.

Nothing you are doing is helping and the restraining will be fuelling the anger.

What is causing the tantrum in the first place? What can you change in the thirty minutes before it happens?

Consequences for her having overwhelming feelings will never work. You need to work on prevention and support, not punishment.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 16/05/2024 07:02

What sort of things are you saying no to that she can do anyway if left unsupervised in another room? Is there not a room in the house she doesn’t have access to the thing she wants to do? I understand if you say no TV/ iPad/ cake etc and then leave a 5 year old alone with a TV/ iPad/ cake they’re going to help themselves, but I’d also expect spaces in the home where these kind of tempting items weren’t available. Maybe you need to look at changing the environment and having a calming safe space within the house where she has access to things you’d want her to use to calm when she’s this worked up (eg: dark tent, blankets & pillows, books) but can’t access the things you would usually be saying no to that spark the behaviour.

qwertyqwertyqwertyqwerty · 16/05/2024 07:08

Cormoran · 26/10/2023 22:37

Put her in your bedroom, hopefully there is no tv there. she is welcome to sort and match socks or read any of your non fiction books you have on your bedside table.

Seriously, she hits, she gets punished. At 5, she has to learn to control emotions. I don't explode every time a driver cuts me.

Hitting is a massive no. She hits, something she cherishes is gone.

Have a talk, tomorrow morning at breakfast. Tell her, this is the first day of a new era. There will be no tolerance for violence, so she'd better try to control her temper. You tell her also, you have planned nice things to do with her, and you would rather do those than argue with her. Now go and brush your teeth.

At 5, she has to learn to control emotions. I don't explode every time a driver cuts me.
You're a lot older than 5 I assume!!

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eggplant16 · 16/05/2024 07:11

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 26/10/2023 22:40

If my child was attacking me like that they'd be getting a smacked bum. I remember hitting my mum once as a child, I got a sore backside and never even thought about doing it again.

Intellectually this is all wrong. But I'm afraid I wouldn't be letting a small child or anybody else for that matter hurt me.

endofthelinefinally · 16/05/2024 07:16

MolkosTeenageAngst · 16/05/2024 07:02

What sort of things are you saying no to that she can do anyway if left unsupervised in another room? Is there not a room in the house she doesn’t have access to the thing she wants to do? I understand if you say no TV/ iPad/ cake etc and then leave a 5 year old alone with a TV/ iPad/ cake they’re going to help themselves, but I’d also expect spaces in the home where these kind of tempting items weren’t available. Maybe you need to look at changing the environment and having a calming safe space within the house where she has access to things you’d want her to use to calm when she’s this worked up (eg: dark tent, blankets & pillows, books) but can’t access the things you would usually be saying no to that spark the behaviour.

Agree with this. Can you make a safe, quiet space somewhere that you can remove her to as soon as the warning signs start? Call it the calming space.

qwertyqwertyqwertyqwerty · 16/05/2024 07:19

eggplant16 · 16/05/2024 07:11

Intellectually this is all wrong. But I'm afraid I wouldn't be letting a small child or anybody else for that matter hurt me.

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Hitting is wrong. It is bad parenting and completely unacceptable.

eggplant16 · 16/05/2024 07:22

As a victim of years of hitting from my parents, of course I know hitting is all wrong. But being dictated to and hurt by a 5 year old is also wrong.

TheaBrandt · 16/05/2024 07:27

God flashback to being at my neighbours house in the garden when her Dd must have been about 6 had an epic tantrum. We (neighbour me and my dds) ran inside and my neighbour locked the doors. The daughter literally rampaged around the garden throwing items at the glass windows at us. Never seen anything like it. She’s 18 now and is normal enough but dds and I never forgotten it!

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