Not coping - please help

[testy1997]

Toddler and 3 month old. I'm not coping. Three month is colic, miserable, doesn't sleep, won't go to anyone and just difficult. Toddler constantly needs me. She's in childcare but even with that it's unbearable.
Dr has prescribed anti-ds but I don't want to take them. I just don't.
Please someone tel me it gets better or offer some coping mechanisms because I fear I'll just run away and not look back. I feel on the edge and having dark dark thoughts.

I'll be honest, antidepressants changed my life. My dark thoughts disappeared but the sense of humour and patience I didn't realise I'd lost came back too. There's no shame in taking the treatment that'll treat your illness.

Stick the baby in a baby carrier/wear thingie. It'll help with them not sleeping/colic/whinges and free up your hands for toddler.

Make sure your husband is giving you time to yourself each day, even if it's just a nice hot bath if you can cope with them both so can he, take no prisoners op.

It gets better. I promise it gets better. You are right in the thick of it. I'm back in the baby stage with a big age gap between my two and god the baby stage is rough. I have to remind myself I've done this before and it gets so so much easier. For us my daughter became a dream about 3 and has been no trouble ever since.

Antidepressants are not bad. Sadly we still live in society where we are stigmatized.
nothing bad In getting help. Chemical imbalance can sometimes only be treated with medication. I’m a living proof. Try it and you will see the difference . If it doesn’t work try another one. There is a vast of them.
please get better for yourself and your children

Take the drugs. I did, I don't want to kill myself anymore.

It's tricky as I don't remember that stage very clearly but I think what worked for me was a combination of trying to get out for some walks, sling or pram, with toddler walking and just accepting you're going to watch more kids TV than you'd like.

I found it got a bit better when baby could sit up and you could do some floor games or put baby in high chair and do some table games.

No shame in trying anti-depressants if you need to either.

I love my anti ds, they help me cope through my marriage seperation, if I stop taking them I cry and cry and can't see clearly but when I take them they bring me back to normal. Dont just take them for yourself take them for your kids. Sometimes I think but isn't my sadness being masked but then I tell myself aslong as the kids see me happy then they will hopefully grow up with a positive attitude and a good childhood. Yes kids are hard I had a baby with colic, oral thrush, water infection and reflux and I swear to god I held her for 2 weeks I could not shower or do anything. Take the tablets get back to being able to cope

Baby in a sling, get out in all weathers to try and wear the toddler out. Tv and snacks for the toddler. Nap when the baby naps. Get a cleaner to help if possible. You're in one of the hardest stages, it does get easier. Also agree to take the anti depressants, tell yourself you'll just take them for a few months until the baby is a bit older, you don't need to be reliant on them

At your stage I had a placid 21 month and a very miserable 12 weeker.It was 30 years ago now and we are still imprinted by how tough it was. DH was working many hours .We would get up and have breakfast and then I would be in and out of the house all day. I am a huge advocate of slings and just being outwith the four walls. Apart from anything else less house work is created if you are not at home.So, I would go to the park , rain or shine, at least once a day. I joined a couple of groups for my toddler , I would go to the supermarket once a week and maybe have a cup of tea there to pass a bit more time, I would make numerous trips with bits and bobs in the pram for the bottle bank . We lived in a city so there was always activity around the shops and a free art gallery and cathedral. It was tough but the big difference was that I was not depressed. If you are depressed , as well it must be utterly exhausting and miserable.If your doctor has diagnosed you with depression, brought on by the hormones of pregnancy , I would suggest you try treatment. If it works it will transform things for you and if it doesn't you can stop it and will be no worse off.
My miserable baby was by far my best sleeper if that is any consolation and slept through from 7 months by which time he was eating well and a good crawler. You can't rely on the sleep coming of course so you really have to do what you can to care for yourself while you are waiting for your baby to settle.I really do sympathise.

Have a read about silent reflux it can go hand in hand with colic and might give some ideas to improve their distress

I had severe pnd and my HV was able arrange a baby massage course and it really helped with my bonding with my daughter and me as a care giver. I had a difficult with the combination of silent and actual reflux and low mood. When I was in hospital they trained all the nursery nurses to give baby massage courses to the mum's as it is so good for mums mood during those early months

If you’re having dark thoughts take the anti depressants.

Thanks everyone. I'm doing baby massage but baby just screams the whole time I'm there. I try to take her out in the sling and she's fine when she's asleep and when she wakes she goes mental and so it sours any time I have with my toddler. She doesn't have reflux - she's just extremely fussy and making my life a living hell.
My toddler is usually a delight but just needs me so much (my own fault for the smal age gap) and I have constant mum guilt at being too shouty and not doing enough.
My husband helps but I just can't shake the feeling of wtf have I done. I even googled putting her up for adoption today. I'm so ashamed at not being able to cope.

I was the exact same when my children were 3 months and 18 months old. It was SO hard having two under two. I have video recordings of myself and I just look so so tired and fed up. Every morning I would look forward to another day being over and wished for time to forward so much. I really didn't know if I made the right decision to have so close together.
It does get so much better. My children are 3 and 4 now and I absolutely love being a mum. They brighten up my days and are just so lovely to be around. They are my absolute world.
My biggest tip is to just try and do something every day. Even if it is just a 10 minute walk... or a yoga video or a visit to the shops.
It gets better!!

Please try the ADs. It can be a chemical imbalance in the brain following birth and nothing will fix it except more of the chemicals you need. They saved me from a dark time and I would always say, try. But you need to give them 2-3 months to really take effect.

Agree with going outside every day and tiring out toddler while you have baby in sling or whatever works best for you.

Do you have family support that can help? Ask and use them as much as you can to get through this time.

With silent reflux they aren't sick the only symptom is crying, colic and not being able to put them down

I feel for you. Our HV came out to our house to do the baby massage course 1 on 1 so I didn't have to stress about the crying. I also got to chat to her. Our HV did listening appointments too and I found the so useful when struggling with parenting an unsettled baby

Take the ADs.

I have 7 and 3yr olds and wish I had taken them 5 years ago when first prescribed.
Honestly, they are life changing and you don't need to take them forever.

Sleep is also your friend. Agree a schedule with DH and try to sleep as much as you can. One day at a time. It will get better

Was having such a short gap intentional? Always going to be tough having 2 so close together.

Take the anti depressants, get your husband and surrounding family to do more.

It doesn't matter if it was intentional or not. Absolutely no need for that comment.

@Superscientist what are listening appointments?

Regarding the gap.. it wasn't intentional. But also we did always want two.

It's just so draining and taxing and I feel so awful for not wanting my baby. I haven't washed my hair in weeks... and not because I haven't had the time it's just when I do get the time in the evening, all I want to do is get into bed and cry.

Rather than coming to weigh baby and check her development they came to listen to me moan about how hard I was finding it.
For a while I saw my HV every other week with my cc at the perinatal team on the alternative weeks just to make sure I had that regular in-person contact.

I have only had experience of good hvs though I know others haven't but they do have the scope to do other things than weigh baby as is most peoples experience of them

Why? It is a fair enough question.

Re small gaps; I think that after the initial baby bit having children close in age is easier as they entertain each other, have similar interests and are at similar developmental stages .

Why won't you take the anti depressants?

@IggityZiggity I'm scared of just being on them for a long period of time and then what will happen when I come off them

Please take them , you can worry about coming off them later. You'd take paracetamol for a headache.