First-time parent overwhelm – how to do the things I love?

[esgill]

I am in love with my 3-week old daughter but a bit overwhelmed so far. I was always a very independent person and had a busy schedule and knew having a baby would be hard work but I suppose I didn't quite understand the extent of which "parenting is a 24/7 job" was true. I heard people say things like "you don't even have time to wash your face" and couldn't fathom how that would be possible but now I can...

I keep crying in the middle of the night because I can't sleep and really can't do anything else: cooking, showering, sleeping, reading, and cleaning the house all go out of the window when my husband is out. Our baby can sleep but as soon as I put her in her cot/bouncer she wakes up and starts fussing. I really want to have some semblance to a life and I see other parents having it. I see mums and dads walking their pram in the botanic garden, carrying their babies in slings on hikes, sitting in cafes with friends and prams. At the moment, our baby eats, sleeps and has her nappy changed, and can't really fall asleep unless she is on me. I had an EMCS and have been on two pram walks since coming home, and on both she was asleep for 30 mins - an hour and then she screamed at some point on the way home. Last night she fussed with her feeding and it felt like Groundhog Day trying to get her to latch and stay there to feed efficiently. I was exhausted.

Some questions:

-When can you go out with a new baby to cafes, gardens, shops etc and have some semblance to a life? I love reading and writing and haven't really found much space for these things because she doesn't sleep enough and when she does, I'm too exhausted.

-When does breastfeeding become easier/when do the intervals become greater? I want to start pumping so my husband can share the job and I can go to exercise classes etc but right now our daughter cluster feeds so i feel I daren't steal milk she's about to eat.

-How do you take babies on a hike with a baby carrier when there are no public changing facilities for miles? She poops so frequently and eats so frequently, and given I EBF, she has very runny and often explosive poos.

-On that note, how to stop nappies leaking? I keep washing the bedsheets and her clothes because of nappy leakage. We've tried lots of brands and sizes and it keeps happening.

-Will things get easier? I've read lots of threads where people say the newborn phase is the easiest/people's favourite phase because of newborn cuddles. I love this bit but I can't help but think things will be easier when I am no longer exclusively breastfeeding and can share the job with my husband, when she poos less, can hold up her own head, sleeps more and communicates better.

Aww, it is tough! Admitting that is the first step. But you can't be the best mum if you're an empty cup. A baby grizzling for 5 mins while you have a shower, brush your teeth or make a cup of tea is absolutely fine. Also, if you can afford it - buy in labour - a cleaner for example. A selection of nice meals. Anything to lift the load (and the guilt!)

In terms of sleeping, it gets easier?? Just keep practicing putting baby down once they're asleep, and you may be able to steal a few mins. Otherwise a sling might help - check out a sling library for the best advice on which one.

Breastfeeding eases once your supply is established and baby has gone through a growth spurt or two. But you don't run out of milk so pump away if that's what you want to do!

And keep going out - no one really minds a crying baby and if it's good for your sanity, then just crack on! And you can change a baby pretty much anywhere with a changing mat and a few wipes. Especially if you're in the middle of the countryside!

I also love reading but I haven't read a book since mine was born (6 months ago!) - I do keep up with news etc though. My mum though read a few pages when she was feeding me at night - why not try that? You probably need to reset expectations and shrug off the "argh, I need to be doing x, y, z" feeling and then you'll feel better and more relaxed!

Hope this helps! You've got this!

When mine were that age, I would read what I wanted to read aloud to them. Seemed to work for both of us!
Second looking into slings when you've healed.
Remember that you haven't stopped doing all the things you love, just put them on hold for a while so you can do this important job. Three weeks is very young.
Hope it gets better soon.

Oh OP, three weeks is so tiny! No wonder you are feeling overwhelmed. No wonder breastfeeding still feels a bit tricky. I think you are doing brilliantly.

If the choice of ‘botanic garden’ was deliberate I think I know where you are. At three weeks you shouldn’t be discharged from the midwife team yet and there is some great breastfeeding support available at the maternity hospital there. It might be worth asking for a session just to reassure you about latch etc. When you get the knack, breastfeeding can be an excellent time to sit with a book and a coffee, even in a cafe or the gardens, and if you have a phone you can manage one handed you can write a lot too (though that was a big shift for me as I would have preferred a pen or at least a bigger screen!)

I think breastfeeding settles more by around six weeks because you both know what you’re doing. It sounds as if you have a baby that will really thrive in a baby carrier or sling of some sort and with a bit of help from a mum of older kids you may be able to learn to feed in a sling as well.

Hello.

My DS is 2.

Much of what you've written is familiar. No one can prepare you for what it's like being a first time parent with a newborn.

Feeding: for me, it got easier from 8wk. By 12wk my son was going 2-3hrs between feeds (also EBF).

However...he was rubbish at feeding anywhere other than at home. Being outside was far too exciting for food!

Poos: from 10wks ish he stopped pooing every few hours and instead did an absolute tsunami poo twice a week.

Contact napping: this was a real pain and he did it for every nap until he was over 1. He'd wake if I put him down. We also co-slept a lot.

Pushchair sleep: this didn't happen for us. If your baby won't nap on the move, you might have a lot of screamy walks.

Have you tried a sling?

It's good to adjust your expectations. You might be out and about more in a month or so from now, but it won't be as easy as before. At 4m I was taking DS to groups and cafes etc. But it felt like hard work! Some babies are tricky, and your DD might not be a baby who is happy sleeping or eating on the move. It could be a while until you can easily do things that you enjoy. This might make you feel down for a while, but it'll be OK in the end.

Or she might turn into one of those happy-go-lucky babies🤞

Good luck!

Congratulations on your new baby.

For the first few months it really is about feeding and getting sleep - for both of you. Make sure you're napping when your baby naps and not trying to clean, cook etc at this time. You do have to lower your standards with a new baby.

It does get better, particularly when the go onto solid food as time between feeds get larger.

Try and get out of the house once a day if it's only to go for a walk with the pram (ideally when the baby is not sleeping)

If you have any friends or family dropping in to see you get them to make the drinks. Don't try and cater for them. Make use of the extra pair of hands! Ask them to pick some things up for you such as milk (for you) or bread or whatever you need. You can pay them for it obviously.

As other posters have said, reading to them or just talking to them is great as it means they hear your voice and are reassured.

It will get easier.

It's so hard in the early weeks but it sounds like you're doing brilliantly! Around 6 weeks the breastfeeding will settle, you'll still be feeding regularly but it'll feel easier - I also had an EMCS and I think I started to go out and about around 8/9 weeks in? Could you ease yourself into going out by going to really baby friendly places - e.g. John Lewis has feeding rooms etc so you could go for a mooch at the Christmas bits or something. Tbh the whole not having time to yourself thing does last a good while but you somehow fall into the chaotic rhythm of parenthood and then magically those things from before work their way back in! You could read your books aloud to baby too - they love hearing our voices.

If you can get 30-60 minutes in the pram then I’d focus on that- get one of those rockit things, use it in the lounge and then snooze on the sofa yourself, run for a quick shower, make yourself a coffee etc. Ditto if you go out- choose the closest cafe, go right after a feed and hopefully she’ll sleep long enough so you can eat. The rockit can keep the pram moving so hopefully the stop will go unnoticed. Then change/feed her and head home.

For changes get a changing mat, and also maybe a towel to keep her comfy, and just do it on the nearest bench or even the ground if you have to. Take plenty of nappy sacks so you can double bag stuff if there isn’t a bin nearby.

To stop nappy leaks try sizing up the vests or ditch them altogether because they can compress the nappy as it expands, also try a smaller size nappy as too big is another common culprit.

For reading, get a kindle! You can read without turning the lights on during night feeds. Or listen to audio books whilst pushing the pram.

I can’t really answer the rest as I didn’t breastfeed but everything with babies is a phase and nothing lasts long! It’s also ok to put them down and let them grizzle for a bit because your needs do matter too and you have to ensure you meet the basics of water, food, toilet, shower.

Wait until about 6 weeks and it will get easier. Trust x

PS it's completely normal to feel the way you are at 3 weeks, I certainly did.

Also regarding your question about it getting easier, the newborn phase etc - I felt exactly the same as you, like it was relentless and exhausting and totally removed all the things I'd enjoyed before. For me what worked was really leaning into it - contact naps on the sofa with a podcast/Netflix/audiobook, fresh air at least once per day between 11am-2pm, drinking lots of water, but absolutely nothing else that wasn't immediately essential (things like housework etc can wait or your husband can pick up some of this in these really early weeks).

I will come back later and reply properly but just to say: for some (many!) of us, the newborn stage is FUCKING AWFUL. I loathed every minute of it, hated having a baby, wanted to go back in time and change it etc etc. Everything you’re feeling times a million. Now my daughter is the love of my life and I adore being a parent and can’t imagine what I’d do without her. I promise what you’re feeling will pass and you will get your life back – only it will be better and richer and more fun because she’s in it.

Also take the baby in the toilet/shower with you, in a swing, the car seat, on a playmat or safely propped up on a breast feeding pillow.

Also get a good thick changing mat that folds into a bag, put 3 o4 4 nappies in, spare babygro and plenty of nappy sacs and then you can literally change her anywhere - on the grass on a hike or on the beach or on a bench in the botanic gardens, all good!

Just to add to what others have already said, I sometimes read during night feeds or contact naps using a kindle - much easier one handed!

R.e. exercise classes - both times with mine I've started slow when baby was about 3 months old going to mum and baby exercise classes. Is there anything like this near you? Now my second is 4 months and I could probably make it to a fitness class in the window between 7pm and 10pm feeds without bothering to express but at the moment I'd rather sleep or tidy the house!

When I had my first child I felt a crushing feeling that I had no freedom and my life was over - i went from a full social life, regular exercise and working incredibly hard to "achieving" nothing. I had totally unrealistic expectations as to what you could achieve with a small baby about. As time went I could do more things for myself and this time round I feel totally different as I've just adjusted to the lack of freedom you have when breastfeeding and when your baby is tiny.

Definitely keep going to cafes etc. Most babies will nap really happily in a sling or carrier if they don't like the pram and I've always felt better with a baby when I manage to leave the house that day. This is a personal thing obviously. Get a small folding changing mat. Yesterday I changed my baby on a park bench and my husband changed him in the car boot!

Ah it's tough to start. Very full on. It does get easier though. Re the breastfeeding, the first 6-8 weeks were the hardest (with both of mine) and then from about 12 weeks there naturally fell into a feeding routine of 2-3 hours between feeds. This helped with being able to plan stuff and also felt like less pressure. Pumping actually was too hard work for me (on top of breastfeeding) so just wasn't worth it to me. Once they were in a feeding routine, my dh could take them for a bit in-between feeds and that's how I'd get a break. Although, I did use a Hakka the second time around and managed to catch some milk quite effortlessly with that (shame baby was a bottle refuser!).

As for sleeping, I swaddled both of mine when they were small as it was the only way they'd settle out of my arms. If you haven't tried it, I recommend it.

Also, for stuff like taking a shower etc... I just took them in the bathroom with me and laid them in their moses basket or in a bouncer (when they were a bit older) and showered etc...

You can take them out to cafes and restaurants from newborn. In fact, they're the most portable and usually sleep the whole time due to the busy noise of them. Go with a friend or relative that enjoys baby cuddles, then you can relax and have a cuppa while they do the cuddling!

It does get easier and you'll find your own little hacks and work arounds. You will get to do the things you enjoy again, just don't expect too much too soon. You'll get there!!

3 weeks is tiny and you and baby are only just recovering from the birth, give it time. One of the biggest benefits of breastfeeding is it makes you stop, to sit and rest and recover. Yes it's frustrating that feeds take forever but actually that rest is important for you too.

Nappies-make sure the little frilly bit is out around the legs otherwise they'll lea.

Reading, feed baby on your side on your bed and read your book out loud to her. She'll like the sound of your voice or put her in a sling or listen to audio books.

It is very normal for baby to want to be on you, get a sling so you can go about your day.

Going hiking with a baby, just take a foldable changing mat or old towel and change baby outside.

Exercise-be aware it is not recommended that bf mother's start high impact exercise until baby is about 6 months or so as your ligaments etc are still stretched/soft

Sometimes babies scream, they just do, if you've tended to their basic needs then let them exercise their lungs. If you find the noise overwhelming buy some noise cancelling headphones to wear whilst tending to her, it'll take the edge off

Being home alone with a baby (or any time), can take its toll, as a single parent I often listen to podcasts / bbc sounds / radio just to hear another adults voice and it really makes a difference

Try not to compare yourself to other parents of babies because some babies are much, much easier than others.

Agree that at this age sitting on the couch watching Netflix is a productive use of time if you have a fussy baby. Your body can heal and your baby gets to be touching you all the time. Some babies are very hard to take anywhere.

The feeding definitely gets easier, eventually you'll have predictable breaks between feeds of a couple hours. You can pop out during these breaks without having to worry about pumping.

My kids are 2 and 5 and I still have no life beyond playgrounds and cafes 😂 It's taken me three months to finish a book and I still struggle to fit as many showers in as I would like. You get used to it, and as co-parents you find your way through. It's bloody hard and relentless and you do feel like part of you has disappeared, but as well as big lows you get big highs watching your babies turn into real people ❤️

Hi op

just wanted to say what your thinking/feeling is so normal. My baby is coming up to 9
months. I remember having a hair appointment booked when he was around 4/5 weeks and debated cancelling thinking what’s the point, I don’t go out or have time to even brush it but my mum made me and I felt better for it. Like a PP, I admit I did not like newborn stage, still finding ways to do things, for weeks nothing during the day got done, bottles cleaning, washing or even cooking but you do find ways to get things done slowly. I figured out to bring baby in the kitchen in their bouncer and they actually liked a change of scenery and watching me moving around.

I also had a colick baby and was paranoid people judging me so didn’t go out everyone told me to go out at least once a day. I started small local walks and worked my way up to going to a supermarket where a lot of people would be. Now I don’t care if people look at me when he’s crying, babies cry and sometimes what we try to do doesn’t work regardless. Hang tight… it really does get better/easier 🌸

It's still really early days for you. It can be a big shock with your first! But it absolutely does get easier.

I went hiking all the time with mine. Just brought a roll up travel mat and changed them on the ground. It won't harm them.

At 3 weeks your baby is still very dependent on you. It feels like forever at the time I know but honestly it doesn't take that long for them to be a bit less dependent.

You kind of just have to go thru the stress barrier as well. It probably won't be fun the first time you go to a cafe because you will be so anxious about what if the baby cries, how do I change and feed the baby, what do I need etc etc... but you honestly just get so used to it eventually that you end up being able to go to the cafe without a thought because its all ingrained in you how to handle it and you aren't stressed. It takes time tho that's all. I'm on my 3rd now and I basically don't give a shit any more lmao.. I just enjoy it. But I do remember with my first how stressed I got just leaving the house. I felt like I had this incredibly fragile thing someone had left me to care for and I didn't have a clue what I was doing. Every cry the baby made I thought everyone was looking at me and I was doing it all wrong etc etc... I used to stress over my immaculately over packed changing bag lest I should forget some vital item. I used to worry about the temperature constantly.
You realise as time goes on that it isn't actually as hard as you think it is. You just get used to it and the important things become second nature and you also realise what is unimportant and not worth stressing over.
Be kind to yourself and take it easy. Feeling this way really won't last forever.. in fact it's only a matter of months till you start feeling a bit more at ease with things. It's a big change but all it takes is getting used to.
Think about starting a new job and all the anxiety.. I mean obviously it's a bit different! But I think there's some comparison! Things you find stressful now will just become second nature and then you will be able to focus a bit more on the other aspects of your life

3 weeks is tiny! It’ll get better.

Going for long walks - we did this from about 6 weeks. Just pack some spare clothes for baby and whoever is holding baby in the sling, nappies, snacks etc.

Going out and about - I did this from about day 5 after c section. Gentle walks helped me heal physically and the fresh air/change of scenery did wonders for my mental health. I personally am not phased if baby cries when out, when I hear a newborn now I think what a lovely noise compared to my tantrumming toddler 😂 trust me your babies cry will sound a lot worse to you than it does to other people, you’re biologically programmed to hate it and want it to stop as quick as possible!

Wow!! Well done you for managing 2 walks 3 weeks PP after an EMCS - with my first it was about a month before i ventured outside!

3 weeks is so tiny, you are all she knows which is why she wakes up when put down! It does get easier I promise!! My little girl is 5 months now and naps really well in her cot/ enjoys her bouncy chair etc.

of course you are crying in the middle of the night! Your whole world has changed and I would imagine after an emcs there was a bit of trauma attached- try to give yourself time to heal physically and emotionally!

You shouldn't be doing anything else but feeding and cuddling your baby in an ideal world! Let other people do thr cooking and cleaning where possible.

Honestly, 30 mins - 1 hour is fabulous for a baby so little my 5 mother old ends up carried home more often then not!

-When can you go out with a new baby to cafes, gardens, shops etc and have some semblance to a life? I love reading and writing and haven't really found much space for these things because she doesn't sleep enough and when she does, I'm too exhausted.

You are in such early days! You will get a life back I promise but if I were you I would nest at home for a couole of weeks and get to know your baby!

Reading - could you listen to audiobools instead? This has the added bonus of drowning out crying too! And helps you to feel less alone on days where nothing is going right!

-When does breastfeeding become easier/when do the intervals become greater? I want to start pumping so my husband can share the job and I can go to exercise classes etc but right now our daughter cluster feeds so i feel I daren't steal milk she's about to eat.

You shouldn't be exercising yet until you sre signed off from the dr st your 8 week check. I exclusively pumped with my first so can give you more info if you need 🙂 cluster feeding is totally normal at this age and is establishing your milk supply.

-How do you take babies on a hike with a baby carrier when there are no public changing facilities for miles? She poops so frequently and eats so frequently, and given I EBF, she has very runny and often explosive poos.

You either change on the grass, on a bench (using a travel changemat) or don't go for super long walks

-On that note, how to stop nappies leaking? I keep washing the bedsheets and her clothes because of nappy leakage. We've tried lots of brands and sizes and it keeps happening.

Hmmmm silly question but are you pulling the "skirt" out of the nappy?

Maybe talk to your midwife if you think there is a problem?

-Will things get easier? I've read lots of threads where people say the newborn phase is the easiest/people's favourite phase because of newborn cuddles. I love this bit but I can't help but think things will be easier when I am no longer exclusively breastfeeding and can share the job with my husband, when she poos less, can hold up her own head, sleeps more and communicates better.

• Yes!!! It gets so much easier! I hate the newborn stage and ibe had 1 hard and 1 easy baby. They're so boring!! It gets way more interesting after about 8 months old (gor me anyway!)

• soak up the cuddles, enjoy the contact naps and maybe look into the fourth trimester?

https://www.nct.org.uk/baby-toddler/emotional-and-social-development/what-fourth-trimester

• you do not have to ebf if it is to the detriment of your MH - topping up with formula or stopping all together are options!

Very gently, it sounds like you are struggling a little bit to adjust to a new life. This is TOTALLY normal and something I think most new mums can relate to! I promise you, walks around botanical gardens, coffee shops, meals out - all of that will come.

Sending you so much love! Please dont hesitate to shout if you need anything 🩵🩵🩵

Oh OP I want to give you a huge cuddle, so much of what you’ve written resonates with me. I didn’t truly understand what on earth you would fill your days with on Maternity leave, and had all these ambitions of reading loads and up skilling by doing loads of online courses. How naive of me!
My DS is 12 weeks now and every cliche is true - it does pass quickly. Honestly the first 4 weeks were a total blur of figuring out this new life that we lived hour to hour without any freedom or time for myself at all. I remember the first day DH went back to work, I’d managed to have breakfast but didn’t brush teeth/shower/leave the house/eat again that day until DH got home!
They start to feed less often (mine is EBF too), and my DS tends to poo just once a day now, so on the go changes are easier too). I started going back to a weekly gym class after my 8 week check and would just make sure to feed him before I left him with DH. I used to exercise everyday even up to late in pregnancy so it’s been a huge shift in mentality seeing once a week as a win.
For me a baby carrier saved my sanity. DS hated the pram, which is really really normal, babies just want to be close to you. He’d nap in the carrier and I’d try and go out for a walk everyday and just buy myself lunch out and prep breakfast the night before so I could eat in the morning too. Sometimes I’d get home and he’d still be asleep so I’d pop on the sofa and read a few pages, it did take me 11 weeks to finish said book though. My DS was happy to be put down for naps when super tiny, but quickly grew out of that and would only nap in the sling on a walk, so it felt impossible to get any me time, or anything else done.
Don’t compare yourself to other mums, your baby is still tiny and they are all so different, your baby might have an easy phase that others struggle with. Everyone’s mainly outside on pram walks trying to survive really!
You’re doing really well and I remember feeling such a huge burden having to feed all the time, but it does get easy / you’ll find your own tricks to carve out time for yourself.
I would get really nervous about DS crying (and still do really) but I’ve learnt that you just have to crack on - go on a hike / car trip / holiday. It won’t be as easy as it used to be, but probably not as bad as you fear either!

I'm eleven weeks in and finding things so much easier/more enjoyable. As others have said breastfeeding becomes easier after six weeks; I know that feels so far away now but it will come! I now always read my phone/kindle while she's feeding. Earphones and an audiobook are good for when baby is still young enough to need the help of both your hands to feed.

When we go for a walk I feed/change her in the car (normally a change of outfit too!) And then she falls asleep in the carrier so we get a couple of hours to go for a walk.

If you go somewhere noisy like a cafe then people will probably barely notice your baby's cry and you always have the super power of the breast to calm them quickly!

Speak to your midwife/health visitor or family hub if you're still feeling really low in a few weeks. Three weeks for me was when the hormones lessened and I started to feel more human again.

Some great advice above. To add if you wanted to walk but with a bit of support for the poonarmis check out Blaze Trails, they are a free baby walking group with groups around the country.

Exercise wise (maybe after 6 week check) Karen Ellis Post natal rehabilitation (Facebook) does baby wearing exercise classes online. It maybe exercise looks a bit different to pre baby and it’s just figuring out what works for you.