First-time parent overwhelm – how to do the things I love?

[esgill]

I am in love with my 3-week old daughter but a bit overwhelmed so far. I was always a very independent person and had a busy schedule and knew having a baby would be hard work but I suppose I didn't quite understand the extent of which "parenting is a 24/7 job" was true. I heard people say things like "you don't even have time to wash your face" and couldn't fathom how that would be possible but now I can...

I keep crying in the middle of the night because I can't sleep and really can't do anything else: cooking, showering, sleeping, reading, and cleaning the house all go out of the window when my husband is out. Our baby can sleep but as soon as I put her in her cot/bouncer she wakes up and starts fussing. I really want to have some semblance to a life and I see other parents having it. I see mums and dads walking their pram in the botanic garden, carrying their babies in slings on hikes, sitting in cafes with friends and prams. At the moment, our baby eats, sleeps and has her nappy changed, and can't really fall asleep unless she is on me. I had an EMCS and have been on two pram walks since coming home, and on both she was asleep for 30 mins - an hour and then she screamed at some point on the way home. Last night she fussed with her feeding and it felt like Groundhog Day trying to get her to latch and stay there to feed efficiently. I was exhausted.

Some questions:

-When can you go out with a new baby to cafes, gardens, shops etc and have some semblance to a life? I love reading and writing and haven't really found much space for these things because she doesn't sleep enough and when she does, I'm too exhausted.

-When does breastfeeding become easier/when do the intervals become greater? I want to start pumping so my husband can share the job and I can go to exercise classes etc but right now our daughter cluster feeds so i feel I daren't steal milk she's about to eat.

-How do you take babies on a hike with a baby carrier when there are no public changing facilities for miles? She poops so frequently and eats so frequently, and given I EBF, she has very runny and often explosive poos.

-On that note, how to stop nappies leaking? I keep washing the bedsheets and her clothes because of nappy leakage. We've tried lots of brands and sizes and it keeps happening.

-Will things get easier? I've read lots of threads where people say the newborn phase is the easiest/people's favourite phase because of newborn cuddles. I love this bit but I can't help but think things will be easier when I am no longer exclusively breastfeeding and can share the job with my husband, when she poos less, can hold up her own head, sleeps more and communicates better.

To follow on from my last post, you talk about it getting easier once you’re not EBF, so I’m going to pass on some advice which I got. Get them used to a bottle early! I think we started a bottle of expressed milk at around 5/6weeks with the idea to give DD a bottle every other day just to get him familiar with the idea. Anyway this worked great for other friends of mine but we got lazy (breast feeding is easier!) and did a few trips visiting family and didn’t take the bottle, then both got a cold etc etc.
Anyway the story is that after a great start DS is now refusing the bottle which is such a pain, I’m kicking myself that we didn’t stick to a routine with the bottle.
It still does get easier as they feed less frequently the older they get so I can still leave DS with DH for the gym etc, but still annoyed at myself.

I met friends for coffee when she was about 4 or 5 weeks old.
My daughter cried all the way there and we both cried all the way home.
From about 6 weeks I met my friends for a coffee and a walk. I cried all the way home every week
I started a baby class with my friends and I cried through every class which was fine for the first 4 as I was wearing a mask and noone could see the last 2 they could

Like for me got easier at 18 weeks as my daughter's severe reflux and food allergies started to be treated. I think this would class as quite late.

The phrase I learnt and repeatedly like a mantra was don't compare your insides to other people's outsides

It's not too late to give up with the bottle.
We got my bottle refuser back onto a bottle at 10 months.

She accepted the bottle on and off from 3 weeks depending on whether her reflux and allergies were bad. We tried to switch to formula but the GP prescribed one she was allergic too. A single Oz was enough to cause a bad reaction and she couldn't look at a bottle without screaming. I had to stop breastfeeding so she had to find a way to take the bottle.

What worked pre formula to take the bottle again was to offer a bottle containing 1oz of fairly fresh breastmilk after every practical feed. After 2 days my daughter would start to let the teat go in her mouth and be happy with the bottle near her. After another day or so she would trying to drink and then accept the bottle. I just used the minimal amount of milk so not to get depressed if she didn't take it and fresh as I had high lipases so it quickly had a tang

Aww you will get there - I remember thinking I had performed a miracle when I managed to walk to the local shop with my first baby. With reading, if you can learn to breastfeed lying down it’s easy to read over their heads because you are not taking their weight - I read loads like this. It’s still very early days, you will be walking round botanical gardens before you know it - give yourself time.

The time is now. I found small babies very portable and just took them along. It's when they hit about 1 year that they demand to be actively entertained rather than just being happy watching the world go by or chewing on a rusk. Also they don't move much so I never had a problem getting showered etc. a travel cot or playpen is good if you want to keep them within sight at all times.
When mobile a whole new world of worry as they do not understand danger, like to climb and need to be watched like a hawk!

Hi everyone

Please excuse me not replying to everyone individually but I’ve read through every answer here and found so much of it reassuring and supportive.

I will hold out until the 6-week, 8-week and 12-week milestones then and hope for little improvements along the way.

I wouldn’t go back in time and change things. I love our daughter. It’s just a strange realisation that now I feel I’m living for her. I hope at some point to find a balance where I’m living for us both – and for my husband.

Changing on a walk sounds great but now it’s cold, not sure whether I should expose her bare skin to the elements. We live in a cold part of the country…

@DearRose we are stuck cosleeping as she absolutely refuses to sleep in the cot. Not sure whether this will change… Very reassuring that your DS stopped pooing so much from 10 weeks. The frequency of it currently definitely makes it harder to do things. We’re keen to get a sling. We got one for free in the baby box but I want one with more structure.

I am already using my kindle which is a godsend but I quickly lose the ability to read when I have to make an urgent boob change and the kindle falls out of arm’s reach. Or when she fusses and I need four hands...

@bk1981 ahh to think of a time when my baby won’t need me to hold her head! When does that happen, approximately?

@bravotango @peachgreen @Firsttimer1125 @CityKity glad it’s not just me feeling this way. I don’t hate this phase but I can’t say it’s particularly rewarding beyond the post-feeding cuddles, which aren’t always guaranteed if baby is colicky/irritable. It’s just been such a huge shift. I am definitely leaning into Netflix/Disney Plus/snacks/sitting around doing nothing. But I am usually hyper productive and miss the ability to get things done. I’m telling myself this is a major thing I am “getting done” ie growing a baby but it doesn’t always stick. I’m struggling on the fresh air once a day front. only had two pram walks since being discharged...

@Sandpitnotmoshpit I am keen to get back into pilates, swimming, and above all aerial silks. I love it so much and it was my coping mechanism and I think it’ll be hard to get back into immediately given it’s all core work. I will definitely start with mum and baby yoga/pilates courses to ease back into things.

@Superscientist Thanks so much for sharing. I’ll try really hard to not compare my insides to other people’s outsides. I guess from afar I look like I have it together, too…

@CityKity Ahh I have heard about bottle refusal and it makes me nervous. We’re going to try with a bottle soon, I’m just struggling with expressing as she feeds so often and I don’t want to steal a meal — plus my boobs hurt too much to want to do additional pumping between clusters! Any bottles you’d recommend for breastfed babies?

In my experience there are two camps of parents. The “oh the newborn days are the easiest and most blissful” camp and your camp. I was in your camp. Others have given you advice, mine is that if all of you are alive for the first 6 weeks then you are doing a brilliant job.

It’s really really hard but I promise you it gets better, you are also going through a major adjustment, your life will change but you will change with it and you will love it.

Oh and I combi fed, the mam bottles were very good I found.

Hold baby and rest on shoulder with their head facing over your shoulder. You can stay like that for hours and change the angle of your body when your arms get tired. After a bit I could make a simple sandwich or cup of tea and put a little make up on while holding baby and sit pin the sofa for hours.

Newborns cry very quietly although it seems loud to us. Take them out to cafes and not too fancy places to eat with friends. You can hold baby and still eat.

Have you joined the NCT or got any baby classes/meetups booked? I had an NCT post natal group booked and it was a godsend. I remember the first one was when my DS1 was 3 weeks old and I was still so traumatised. I don't know how I made it there. But my baby was born last and they were all 3/4+ weeks ahead and it was so reassuring and helpful. Some of us met for coffee at least once a week from then and it was so helpful. 3 of them are still great friends today and the 18 years olds are all still in touch too. Lots of them went to schools together and one of them is one of my son's best mates. It really was a bonding experience. Doesn't have to be NCT, could be baby yoga class or whatever. I found it gave me a reason and impetus to get out of the house and I always felt better for it. And nobody will judge you for having baby sick in your hair 😄

I haven't read through all the replies but just wanted to say hang in there. DS is now 15 months and I remember well that nothing can prepare you for the reality of being a new first time parent. I too had a c section and did very little for 4 weeks at which point I started driving again. A lot of my mat leave consisted of a daily walk after this point and 1 or 2 baby classes a week. Talking to people in a similar position helped - I had daily messages with our NCT group and if you don't have this then try and create a group from any baby classes you can get to so that you have support from people going through the same at the same time as you. Don't try and do more than 1 thing a day as that's enough at the start.
Try and sleep where you can - don't worry about quality time with your DH at this stage, easy to say but take that time to get yourself a shower, an hour to watch tv, some time to have a nap etc. After a few weeks things will naturally move on.
I will finish by saying that I feel like myself again and probably did by about 6 months. Up until that point we were on a bit of a parenting journey and you just need to get through it, lower your expectations and find pleasure in the little things

I just read your last post and I have got back into running, albeit not as frequently as before, and do 2 hiit type work outs a week. Feel free to msg me about how I got back into everything as it's important to take it steady and build up carefully so as not to injure yourself

Pleaad try not to compare yourself to other parents. Newborns vary wildly! My eldest would NOT be put down wihout screaming, and I felt quite weak after the birth for a good 6 weeks or so - I couldn't understand how my mum could hold the baby on her shoulder while pushing vacuum cleaner, while I just felt too exhausted. My boys were easier - they were very sleepy in the early days. They were tetchy in evenings, but would nap quite contentedly in the pram parked in the sitting room in the morning. Bliss! They've always loved a motion-induced nap too, so were quite easy to cart around to things. But my friend has a baby who is now 16 months and has NEVER napped in pram/carrier, he will ONLY sleep in his cot. He's her third, so that means she really struggles to get out and about with older ones as she is tied to the house.

Feeding I have always found to get easier between 3&4 months. They get more efficient so take a good feed quite quickly and then are awake for a while. Explosive poos become less common at around the same time, particularly at night. If you're having a lot of leakages double up - small one on first, size up over it. The outside one you probably won't need to change often as it's only for leaks, so it doesn't double cost.

It's not a great time of year for changing baby outside. But come spring/summer you can! Botanical gardens usually have a relatively discreet bush you can do it behind....Likewise on hikes. I've changed my 3 in quite a few different places, as long as you have a decent mat and bags to keep dirty stuff in you're fine. Not so good as November approaches though, you do really need an indoor changing space in cold weather.

Don't rush yourself. It's normal not to feel up to an exercise class or similar yet. It doesn't mean you abandon your old life entirely, but it may need shelving for a couple of months. It's MUCH easier to leave a child that can eat a snack/drink from a sippy cup etc. And if they become proficient at sleeping in the pram then DH can take them out for a looooooong walk.

Have you tried a dummy? To get mine used to pram naps rather than contact naps, I'd feed till sleepy, give them dummy and rock them with it for a while and then pop them in the pram and GO immediately. I never used a dummy for my eldest as DH was concerned about dependency/speech development etc. But I did for my boys. No issues with dependency - they still have it to relax before bed (they are nearly 3 now) but they don't wake at night when it falls out and they have never needed it for any time other than sleep, so it hasn't affected speech development at all. Just got some new ones in ready for DC4, definitely to opt for dummy use again!