How Not To Murder Your ADHD

[NegativeCreeep]

EDITED TO SAY: the title should obviously read How Not To Murder Your ADHD Child !!

Have any parents of children with ADHD read this? What are your thoughts?

Both my children are presenting with very strong ADHD traits (my DH has extreme traits too, and my own biological father was in and out of prison, whilst I was parented by a very strict mother).

My initial feeling is one of utter overwhelm, because whilst life is already utterly exhausting because of their behaviour (particularly DS), the confirmation that this is it for life now is quite….daunting?! The constant need to provide stimulation (and once you’ve provided that stimulation…provide a bit more), the relentless rewards (I’m going to be bankrupt!) and the need to have the never ending patience of a saint….

Obviously I read it because I need help and I feel far better equipped than previously. It’s just s bit bloody scary!! Has anyone implemented the strategies with success?

I have ADHD and have done since I was about 13 and am still medicated daily for it. My parents had to go through a lot because of my behaviour and so have my partners in adult life. It's not easy

I’m so glad you received the medication that I hope helps you to cope. It’s such a complex condition and it pervades so much of every day life.

My son doesn't have ADHD but is never switched off. He's extremely demanding and won't do stuff that bores him. He's been like this since little. It's very exhausting. No advice but sympathy.

I feel an overwhelming sense of dread and can't see any light. School is an absolute nightmare at the moment.

I felt mildly hopeful that someone like the author could have a great, successful adult life and do well at school, but then ultimately despairing as the author obviously wasn't like my DS who can't attend mainstream school due to his extreme behaviour, and is basically not being made to do anything challenging at his specialist school because it caters for children who are poorer academically than he is and because he resists so strongly doing anything challenging that they give up.

I did three rounds of parenting classes. Read every book, did every intervention, engaged every support I could.

And at 12, we've now had a couple of years of going in to parents' evening and not feeling a terrible sense of dread and guilt. So much that her current teacher looked sideways at me when I spoke about her ADHD and seemed to doubt she has it.

And yes, I'm also lucky. That she isn't oppositional or anxious or depressed. That the interventions worked. That she's an only. But what I want you to get from this is that the massive amounts of hard work can pay off. She was like the Tasmanian devil on crack for years. No friends, never invited anywhere, SIL cut us off for years because of her behaviour and my parenting of it. It was hell. But doing everything by the book, working with her ADHD not against, we made progress.

And yes, sometimes I was utterly livid.

It's so tough. It sounds like they are quite young? It won't stay like this forever.

1. self care. It's not selfish to get some space and time for yourself.
2. find your tribe. Any local support groups? Ours have meet ups for people with ADHD and separate ones for the families that support them.
3. if you think you or your DH have it, seriously consider seeking assessment.
4. consider moving schools to a more supportive environment. Some kids thrive in busy schools with many options, others need nurture units which tend to have a more patient, holistic approach. You'll likely need to push for that.
5. look at home environment. I thrive in a light bright minimalist space ( but find it difficult to create and maintain it) and my eldest needs a cluttered space, noise and soft light to focus best. So there's no one way thats right, but it makes a huge difference in our focus, mood and energy levels.

Oh my goodness I feel you @NegativeCreeep! We only have one son who is now 12 and for us primary school was fantastic in terms of support but secondary school - well it's been a challenge. Sunday school too! We ended up going down the medication route at the end of primary school - that was a tough journey. But I had in my head and still do if we can support with medication now it will help divert potential self-medicating in unhealthy ways. With getting medication and going from private diagnosis onto the CHAMS medication list - shorter than the diagnosis list - we got a review from ADHD with strong autistic markers to ADHD and Autistic. When we received the feedback during the second assessment the clinical psychologist said that it often happens as the impulsivity is helped with medication the autistic markers become more obvious. And as he's got older the autistic traits are more obvious. The thing is there is such an overlap. And the more I have learned about autism the more I can see that DH has both traits. I am doing a super helpful parenting course at the moment on parenting autistic kids - I think they have a similar one for parenting kids with ADHD. They are a national charity - you can pop in your postcode on courses and the ones near you pop up. Honestly it has been the most positive course ever. On Facebook there is a brilliant woman who runs ADHD Wise UK - she's a SEN advocate and seems to consult in education - she has brilliant tips and advice and also has ADHD herself. The impulse stuff - it is really tough - I've found giving two options all the time - options that I am happy to offer for both - that seems to help. AND the most helpful parenting book I have ever dipped in is The Explosive Child - Ross Greene - they have a thing in there - Plan B. You got this mama! Oh yes by the way in the process of getting out kid assessed - well I got my diagnosis too! ADHD with strong autistic markers.....

@NewLeafAgain how do you manage to do anything on your own with a child who can't be left? that's our situation

@EvenTheDogHasADHD we have seriously tried to get behind Ross Greene but as far as we could work out it just meant us doing everything for DS and getting even less time to ourselves and him STILL blowing up at the tiniest thing because we can't arrange the world around him, plus he got very anxious about going out because he'd decided he didn't want to go out and therefore never went out and the vicious cycle of anxiety set in.

Oh can I also ask what kind of approach the ADHD Wise group has?
It is very good to have adults who have ADHD as coaches and I know my DS gets a lot from knowing that his teacher/Dav Pilkey etc. has ADHD but given the discrepancy between people like the HNTMYAC author/the ADHD Wise organiser's childhood/schooling and behaviour, and my son's schooling and behaviour, I am not at all sure how helpful their suggestions will be.
It does seem again to be someone who has managed schooling, university education as well (but is advertising herself as an MSc student? that wouldn't mean any clinical experience). And parents whose child is hanging on to schooling by their fingernails are being told about the very minor adaptations which might have helped these very well-adapted adults - but we've made all these adaptations and way more years ago and it hasn't made much difference.

I am reminded of someone saying "how do I get my child off me when they are biting my face" and they are told "give them a chewy". Like that's going to help with a child who is actually attacking an adult and in the throes of rage! My DS has bitten adults before and it's because he was totally dysregulated due to something that happened, and handing him a chewy when he was going for someone's face/arm/hand would not have stopped him - neither would giving him a chewy beforehand. It does, in fact, stop him chewing his clothes but if he's that dysregulated he wants to bite it's not going to make a blind bit of difference.

Do you mean you were diagnosed at 13? ADHD doesn't just develop at 13, it would have been present from childhood

@drspouse - it's exhausting! I know I've turned myself literally inside out supporting and advocating for our kid. The book was probably the first and only really helpful tool that has resonated and had a positive impact in our family. Also, as kids constantly change and what and how they respond changes.

In terms of the ADHD Wise lady - she clearly has ADHD herself and is super compassionate on what I see on Facebook. From what I see she's worked super hard on her life's journey to make positive changes and impact others in her journey. I have ADHD and autism and a degree, and a corporate job - I didn't receive my diagnosis until we went through the process for our child. I keep having to remind myself that our child has so much support compared to my childhood and well my adulthood too.

There is so much info out there and I have found cherry-picking my way through books, social posts and other parents with neurodiverse kids really helpful. I guess that's why am here too.

I think the funniest bit of advice I ever came across from another adult ADHDer with neurodiverse kids was to just through an item somewhere in the room which would be a reminder for her to do something when she got up - I laughed as I thought my whole house would be scattered with things on the floor to remind me to do the things!

The biting advice - not sure what to say about that one.

I know when things get intense at home giving space and time to self-regulate is hard - especially me keeping calm and not responding to it in the moment.

I think the things I struggle with are that yes, lots of adults with ADHD are successful and yes, not being diagnosed as a child must be awful, but people like you, the ADHD wise woman and the author of HNTMYAC were bright, academic, presumably never bit your TA, were banned from all school trips, permanently excluded age 8 and one week, and sent to a school where the highest ambition is to train car valets and all the other children are extremely volatile, and appear to be on a one way track to prison?
This is why I kind of struggle with advice from successful adults with ADHD - I'm sure it's great advice for one group of children with ADHD but I'm not sure it's enough for my DS
(Luckily he's never bitten my face but it's that sort of thing - like the people who say "I just tell my child gentle hands!" and you have a child who would laugh in your face if you said that).

@drspouse - ah yes the classic - ADHD is a superpower - I am honestly flattered that a person here with a couple of posts considers me bright! I failed at school and the ADHD Wise woman I think had similar experiences in her own education. I worked really hard out of the trajectory I was on - but I did it myself with very little support. The support I often found suffocating. As for corporate life - well that has been an immense challenge too.
What you're sharing here about your child is really tough - I know the kind of school you're referring to.
I hope you're getting the emotional support you need to help you navigate all this because it is really exhausting and you have to be on it all the time.

What is the national charity with parenting courses around the country please? I would be really interested in that. 🙏

Yes I thought that too! The charity name would be very useful - thank you

I work in ADHD, we recommend “How Not to Murder ……” on a daily basis.

standard parenting courses do not work for neuro diverse kids, don’t put yourself through the pain. Make sure any course you do is aimed at SEN kids. Look up Riding The Rapids

Well I had to get to know her properly and what drives her behaviour. It’s not all ADHD, for my DD it’s anxiety mixed in too. Boundaries. A routine. Talking not shouting. She is 21 now but I still sometimes want to scream 😂

The issue I always had was when I wasn’t feeling 100% this became a massive trigger for behaviour problems. Then I felt like I was pretending to be ok when I wasn’t. We all get tired hungry and grumpy in life but DD spotting this would make everything deteriorate. I had to look after myself in this, our routines and sanity depended on it! She’s older now and more self sufficient than I thought she would be so I’m proud of her.

The hard work is working out triggers and putting in strategies, as life isn’t perfect and things go wrong. I did keep DD in secondary school, it was touch and go for the last 3 years but I had to keep going and separate our who my DD is/wants to be from her behaviour, which is often a reaction to her environment when she feels overwhelmed. I did at times resent her and want to scream OMG why are you doing this? I am sure I got lots of things wrong and I feel guilty about this sometimes.

@ABeautifulThing Care for The Family - they have specific courses for parents of neurodiverse kids. The one I'm on has been super impactful and it's only been the first two sessions so far!

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@EvenTheDogHasADHD could you please share where you've done the online parenting course (through a charity). I can't quite make out the detail in your post (I have ADHD too), but would be interested to look.

@EvenTheDogHasADHD thanks so much! Never heard of this!

@MrsTerryPratchett what kinds of things/resources have you used? I have an ADHD dd, mostly inattentive, and I know I over correct her and I get really annoyed when she can't focus on homework etc. I worry my style is going to impact her self esteem but I can't find a way to engage her.

My biggest issue is she isn't motivated at all. So all the stupid 'visual checklists' are useless. I can show her she needs to clean her teeth, brush her hair etc but she DOESN'T CARE. she also refuses any incentive. Money, sweets, stickers, toys. She likes the idea initially but the minute she has to work for it she couldnt care less about the incentive.

Routine with loads of built in breaks to get wiggles out (when little) movement breaks using big muscle groups (tweens) my teens now do gymnastics lots of strength,spinning,speed,rolling& climbing.

When young we had pec cards and plenty of now and next ...etc.

Now we have colour coded huge white boards one for school stuff one for everything else ..

Smart watches with reminders...

For school if it can be done the night before it is... Pe kit and bag and shoes by front door, uniform layed over the chair including underwear and socks...

hangers ment duel with brother on the stairs.

Homework is to be done mostly at homework club after school most school offer it -cannot recommend this enough-
At school so home is completely seperate.

You do eventually get into a routine and have the occasional sib in the bathroom how unfair this all is but you have to get in with it, so you will.

So I do a lot of that. But am I supposed to expect DC to do it on their own? If I provide a list should she be working her way down it? Or am I supposed to do it all for her? At present (she's 9) I have to stand and brush her teeth, do her hair, pack her bag, get her dressed. If she is left to her own devices with a list and lots of rewards she just doesn't care and won't do any of it.