How Not To Murder Your ADHD

[NegativeCreeep]

EDITED TO SAY: the title should obviously read How Not To Murder Your ADHD Child !!

Have any parents of children with ADHD read this? What are your thoughts?

Both my children are presenting with very strong ADHD traits (my DH has extreme traits too, and my own biological father was in and out of prison, whilst I was parented by a very strict mother).

My initial feeling is one of utter overwhelm, because whilst life is already utterly exhausting because of their behaviour (particularly DS), the confirmation that this is it for life now is quite….daunting?! The constant need to provide stimulation (and once you’ve provided that stimulation…provide a bit more), the relentless rewards (I’m going to be bankrupt!) and the need to have the never ending patience of a saint….

Obviously I read it because I need help and I feel far better equipped than previously. It’s just s bit bloody scary!! Has anyone implemented the strategies with success?

hey @yoshiblue it's Care for The Family but it is an in-person thing locally. When you find the course that you like the look of you pop in your postcode and it shows where it is running closest to you.
If you prefer online the ADHD Wise lady posts loads on Facebook and I think runs stuff from her website - I just follow her posts so I don't know what her courses are like. She has many pearls of wisdom that I've found helpful over the years.

Yes it's exhausting. I have it and my immediate family have nothing to do with me. I'm 55 by the way. It's great having a disability.

There's some interesting research about irritability and ADHD.

My ADHD DD21 can’t tell when she’s hungry so I have to tell her to eat as she’s completely irrational when she’s got low blood sugar

Thank you so much for all the responses so far; reading through each of them as I’m currently on a solo holiday with the DC. Wonderful, but exhausting dealing with the constant “It’s not faaaaaaaaiiiiirrrrr” from DS over everything 🤦‍♀️

DD has inattentive, whilst DS is seemingly combined.

@Taketheplunge so sorry your family have not been supportive; that must be awful. I hope you have friends who support you x

ADHD Dude has a course on how to scaffold this type of thing so you aren't your child's external brain permanently.

This isn't our biggest battle (it's behaviour, he's more likely to refuse to carry his school bag than to not pack it since he never unpacks it in the first place and never goes anywhere except school).

I would just let my DD forget school things and get into trouble sometimes. Within reason... if I had reminded her then sometimes it was down to her.

I didn’t have the forgetting problem as much as it was the inability to not blurt out all her thoughts, good or bad and impulsivity like touching things or moving around or bad thoughts.

DD only really understood a few feelings and emotions - feeling angry, feeling sick. She just told you every day she was angry and felt sick, even if she was sad and hungry she didn’t know the difference really. She still tells me now she feels sick when she is hungry but she hasn’t been sick for years so I am not sure she remembers what feeling sick feels like? She does act happy too.

I do help her label her feelings and other peoples and explain they aren’t all angry sometimes they are different like tired or sad or just frustrated. She will think I am angry if I am happy but am being loud. She gets angry if people cry I think she doesn’t know what to do or say

What happens if they just don't care if they're late or they forget things? We've tried natural consequences and it's like water off a ducks back

I think that's partly down to lack of future thinking - natural consequences don't work well with ADHD because they are usually quite far into the future.

I have ADHD and survive. It's bloody hard though.y parents were unsupportive and strict so I learnt to sort myself out.

Now I have a high need send kiddo and one of his diagnosis is ADHD. it's fucking hell. I do all I can because I know what it's like to be unsupported and neurodiverse and it's draining. I fear for his future I really do. I just keep telling myself he's just a kid if it's hard for me it's worse for him living it and remind myself I turned out ok

Sorry, I spaced on this question. DD comes by it honestly. 

My DD has classic 'boy type' ADHD so the things I do may not work on inattentive.

Some things I think helped:

Installing an internal locus of control. Working really hard on giving her her own idea of how things are going. Essentially asking if she thinks her work is good or she's done enough.

How to talk... book. Very good.

The ever-decreasing instructions. Please could you brush your teeth. Teeth please. Teeth. <points at brush>

Finding something that requires work, not too much, that they really want. DD loves piano. It was the first time I ever saw her appropriately focused (not hyper or none). It has gradually helped her work out that hard work = success = happiness. But my God practise was a nightmare. Just enough to please the teacher, not enough to bore DD.

Working with her ADHD not against. If she has a burst of hyper focus, we try to do ALL her homework during that brief window.

Giving worse alternatives. "Come to the tip with me DD" "Nnnnoooooooo" "OK what will you do instead (and watch YouTube ins't an option?" "Fine I'll do homework".

Working on ways to help focus. Music on, bouncy ball, fidgets and DD can do work. Silent, still room, she's a nightmare.

Making her the driver of the car. Working out what will help herself. What does she want, how can she achieve it?

Hyper focus does help though and if yours has pure inattentive, it's really difficult.

Immediate natural consequences are best.

What kind of things and who are they late for? There is a serious 'pick your battles' aspect to ADHD. I let most things go so when something is important, it's REALLY important and DD knows it.

I'd love to hear more about Care for the Family, initial googles only bring up very religious content and motivation, is that what you experienced? That wouldnt suit everyone I imagine.

@sundaefunday the two weeks that I have attended the one for autistic kids the focus has been on understanding and shared learning and signposting to resources - not had anything about religion. It is held in a church hall though.

My understanding of Care for the Family is that it's rather like Christian Aid/Action for Children - the people running it are Christian but the people benefitting are just anyone.

I just had a look at ADHD Wise and it does all seem to be of the "here's how to run your diary and be a successful professional with ADHD and here are a few things that your child might like to do" rather than "here's how to stop your child from throwing bottles at your face and giving you a black eye because you have made a suggestion of something they might like to do".

The book is brilliant and written by someone with adhd. This is her website
www.headstuffadhdtherapy.co.uk/