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Parenting

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Original poster

Should I send photos of my newborn to absent father

50 replies

Eliza1996 · 21/10/2023 20:29

Hi everyone - I’m new to this but reaching out in hope to get some advice. I am 38 weeks pregnant with my first baby. Sadly my pregnancy has been pretty traumatic and tainted. My baby’s father left us with no communication when I was 5 months - he just left and removed me from all social media, he hasn’t contributed anything for the baby or offered to help whatsoever in preparation for his sons arrival, there has been minimal communication and nothing meaningful.

He owes me money which he has refused to pay back. I have set up a whole home alone and provided everything on my own with support from parents. I’m very proud of myself but it hasn’t been easy, I am so sad for the way my pregnancy has gone! I won’t go into details but he treated me extremely badly, there are no words to describe his disgraceful behaviour during this vulnerable time.

He moved back to Spain as his mum lives there. Now, two weeks before I am due he has now moved to Dubai to work behind a bar which is a job that he could do in the UK and at least be close to his son.

Him and his Mum have been putting together emails and he claims he wants to ‘co parent’ from Dubai and that this is possible with my co operation in FaceTiming and photos and updates etc. I don’t believe co parenting is possible with a newborn from abroad. I have told him I will facilitate this where I can and I have always been open in welcoming him here for visits regularly with his son but he’s not mentioned coming to the UK once.

I am anxious to send photos to him and his side of the family as I don’t want my baby’s face sent here there and everywhere.

I don’t want my son to resent me in the future for not sending photos to his Dad. But part of me feels if he wanted to be part of his life he should at least plan a visit to meet his baby.

He has recently said he will pay £150 a month towards the baby and at the end of this month I will finally get the money he owes me - but I don’t believe sadly I will.

I would never stop a relationship and would love for him to miraculously step up and become a great Dad but I am totally unsure how to navigate this once the baby is born. I am heartbroken for my baby by his lack of effort and actions.

Sorry this is so long!! Any help regarding sending photos / FaceTimes would be so appreciated x thank you x

OP posts:

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 21/10/2023 20:30

I'd be doing a grand total of fuck all for him
No no no

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/10/2023 20:31

Hasn’t paid anything and left the country- it’s a no from me.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/10/2023 20:32

Also he doesn’t want to parent- his mum wants a pic to go look at my grandson to her friends.

Interested in this thread?

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3rd trimester Families General parenting General pregnancy

FuckYouEzekiel · 21/10/2023 20:35

Read the room.

howdoyousurvive · 21/10/2023 20:35

Firstly, well done you. Such a horrid thing to go through so youre one strong mumma.

The opinion of this total randomer would be to take the pressure off yourself and decide once you're baby has arrived. He made his bed when he left and has continued to make a string of shit choices. If he hasn't even begun to make any contributions towards your child to prove that he wants to be there and has seen the light (even a small act makes a difference) then dont let him dictate the final part of your pregnancy and those precious first few weeks.

Sending love and positivity for you and bubba!

Rainbowqueeen · 21/10/2023 20:36

If he wants to co parent how is he suggesting that he does that? This would sway my answer.

I would expect a person genuinely interested in coparenting to have contributed towards the cost of baby equipment and to have already discussed an ongoing monthly payment to you.

Someone who just wants photos I’d say was doing this purely to benefit expended family. And to post on Facebook with a message saying “my world”.

Id get the financials sorted first. And want to see some commitment to a visit. Otherwise all he’s doing is putting more work on you ie providing updates etc. That’s not coparenting. Call him out on this.

Thehonestbadger · 21/10/2023 20:38

‘I am also keen to co parent as obviously having a new born is an exhausting and labour intensive time. Just let me know your plan for doing your share of night wakes, feeds, nappy changes and general practical care for your child remotely from Dubai. Once you’ve clarified how you’ll meet those essential aspects of coparenting I’ll consider the face times, photos and general ‘in no way actually pulling your weight parenting or caring for your child’ requests you’ve made’

FairFuming · 21/10/2023 20:41

What has he offered in return for these photos? Is he planning to pay a hefty sum of child support every month? Is his mother going to step up and offer the support for his child that he has been top much of a man child to provide? If not I'd be ignoring the emails. Acting like a semi interested pen pal isn't coparenting. Even if he pays maintenance it isn't Coparenting. It's likely his mother wants the photos not him.

You have your parents and hopefully some good friends. Leave him to make an effort to see his child, if he doesn't bother then it isn't your fault and ultimately your child will be better off being surrounded by people who love and make an effort from him then a useless deadbeat who made things difficult for his mother and didn't contribute anything positive to his life.

slopsan · 21/10/2023 20:42

How much of this is him and how much is his mother? I bet it's her saying he should co parent!

Personally I would let him take the lead and not be proactive in providing any information. (This does not mean you have to go with all/ any of his suggestions)

Original poster

Eliza1996 · 21/10/2023 20:44

His Mum is deffo not innocent and I have got very strange vibes from her recently, it seems a very toxic family and I just don’t want my baby around any of it but she is so full on!

OP posts:

DaftQuestionForToday · 21/10/2023 20:48

FuckYouEzekiel · 21/10/2023 20:35

Read the room.

@FuckYouEzekiel

did you post on the wrong thread?

vipersnest1 · 21/10/2023 20:49

@Eliza1996, you have two options that are sensible:
Ignore him (very likely the only option in which you don't waste any more time on this waste of oxygen).
Reply (including his mother) saying 'That's great! Let me know when you will be returning to the UK to help me.' Expect radio silence and then ignore.
In either scenario, block him and give him no more headspace. Think only of yourself and your baby.

Oldthyme · 21/10/2023 20:50

He does not deserve any communication or anything else from you. Just shut him down and you may want to think twice about his name on the birth certificate.

It’s all about him and his mother. Stay away from his circus. Your baby won’t suffer, believe me.

crew2022 · 21/10/2023 21:04

I would cut them off. I'd be worried he might one day try and get the child to Dubai.
Really £150 and his mother acting strangely are not worth it
Your dc can trace them in the future but I would not be facilitating this

Lavenderosa · 21/10/2023 21:04

"My baby’s father left us with no communication when I was 5 months - he just left and removed me from all social media, he hasn’t contributed anything for the baby or offered to help whatsoever in preparation for his sons arrival, there has been minimal communication and nothing meaningful.

He owes me money which he has refused to pay back."

Well done for everything you've done so far in such an awful situation.

You don't owe this vile person anything and definitely not 'co-parenting' from Dubai. No I wouldn't send him or his mother photos of the baby. I wouldn't want them within 10 miles of my baby for lots of reasons but mainly because I wouldn't trust him. He could try and take the baby to Spain to live with his mother - do you trust him not to do that after the crap he's put you through?

I would ignore him completely, block his number and put your welfare first. Of course it's better for any child to have 2 loving, supportive parents but your ex has shown you who he is and that's a supremely self-centred, unreliable and untrustworthy man, which is not the kind of father any child needs.

LizardOfOz · 21/10/2023 21:08

DO NOT PUT HIM ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE

You will regret it the rest of your life. If this loser wants to be in his child's life let him make an effort. Give him nothing, expect nothing from him and focus on your baby. Lucky for you he's in Dubai and his mother's in Spain, you can ignore them both and they'll probably leave you alone

happylittlesloth · 21/10/2023 21:09

I would just pretend he doesn't exist and cut all communication with him tbh

singlemum93 · 21/10/2023 21:10

Absolutely not. I can imagine it's really hard for you with all the hormones and possibly even worse when the baby is born but please do not think for one second this so called man cares about you or your child. He's already made that very clear. Please don't even engage with him nothing good can come from this and TRUST me you do not want to share your newborn or child with any man like that! Please for the love of God don't put him on the birth certificate. Once your baby is born you don't want to share them especially with a man in another country!! Just ignore him and his family and share pictures of your baby with people who care about you.

VeronicaSawyer89 · 21/10/2023 21:11

Thehonestbadger · 21/10/2023 20:38

This.

lordloveadog · 21/10/2023 21:15

That's an amazing definition of coparenting.

Congratulations on baby and on being thousands of miles away from these arseholes.

Needaholi · 21/10/2023 21:15

Do NOT put him on the birth certificate.

BeeCucumber · 21/10/2023 21:15

No. He has left you and your baby. He has made it very clear to you that he doesn’t want you or your baby. Do not engage with him. It will only end in tears

FiddleLeaf · 21/10/2023 21:16

No. If he wants to see his child, he can make an effort.

This is not your responsibility and better he’s out of your child’s life full time than letting them down in future.

Paperpurple · 21/10/2023 21:27

Will Facetiming be of any benefit to your newborn? I can't think that it will. Maybe later. You will have enough to be doing anyway.

Receiving photos and updates from you and facetiming you isn’t what co-parenting is about. He needs to return to the UK and be there at least part of the time if he really wants to be involved.
As you said he can get a bar job nearby. There is no reason for him to stay in Dubai if he is serious about being a parent.

FuckYouEzekiel · 21/10/2023 21:39

DaftQuestionForToday · 21/10/2023 20:48

@FuckYouEzekiel

did you post on the wrong thread?

Show quote history

Nope, he has made it quite clear what involment he wants in his child's life.

I suspect even a picture would only serve to 'prove' the child looks nothing like, therefore not his.

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