Should I send photos of my newborn to absent father

[Eliza1996]

Hi everyone - I’m new to this but reaching out in hope to get some advice. I am 38 weeks pregnant with my first baby. Sadly my pregnancy has been pretty traumatic and tainted. My baby’s father left us with no communication when I was 5 months - he just left and removed me from all social media, he hasn’t contributed anything for the baby or offered to help whatsoever in preparation for his sons arrival, there has been minimal communication and nothing meaningful.

He owes me money which he has refused to pay back. I have set up a whole home alone and provided everything on my own with support from parents. I’m very proud of myself but it hasn’t been easy, I am so sad for the way my pregnancy has gone! I won’t go into details but he treated me extremely badly, there are no words to describe his disgraceful behaviour during this vulnerable time.

He moved back to Spain as his mum lives there. Now, two weeks before I am due he has now moved to Dubai to work behind a bar which is a job that he could do in the UK and at least be close to his son.

Him and his Mum have been putting together emails and he claims he wants to ‘co parent’ from Dubai and that this is possible with my co operation in FaceTiming and photos and updates etc. I don’t believe co parenting is possible with a newborn from abroad. I have told him I will facilitate this where I can and I have always been open in welcoming him here for visits regularly with his son but he’s not mentioned coming to the UK once.

I am anxious to send photos to him and his side of the family as I don’t want my baby’s face sent here there and everywhere.

I don’t want my son to resent me in the future for not sending photos to his Dad. But part of me feels if he wanted to be part of his life he should at least plan a visit to meet his baby.

He has recently said he will pay £150 a month towards the baby and at the end of this month I will finally get the money he owes me - but I don’t believe sadly I will.

I would never stop a relationship and would love for him to miraculously step up and become a great Dad but I am totally unsure how to navigate this once the baby is born. I am heartbroken for my baby by his lack of effort and actions.

Sorry this is so long!! Any help regarding sending photos / FaceTimes would be so appreciated x thank you x

No, send him nothing.

I speak from experience. You can do this without his input from abroad, you really can.

I would go no contact with him and his family.

Tell him to fuck off and don’t put him on the birth certificate - he is showing you who he is, believe him. He has nothing to offer your son

You owe him nothing

Just tell him dc was adopted and block him.

Send him the details of the bank you want your money paid into and see if it ever arrives. His actions will speak louder than words.

DON'T PUT HIM ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE!
I would be very wary if I was you OP.
He buggered off and left you to it. He doesn't deserve to be part of his son's life. I would be concerned about his Mum trying to get her hands on the baby.

Agree with all PP, cut contact and definitely do not put him on the birth certificate.

I would submit a C100 and obtain a CAO. Then you can move and go on holiday at your will. I would do nothing for him.

If he wants anything he can go through court.

Don't put his name on the birth certificate, in fact don't let him know baby has arrived until you have a birth certificate.

Otherwise you lose control and he would have equal parenting rights.

I don't think someone who bails so dramatically and completely should be calling any shots, ever.

why? there is no need to do that if he isnt on the birth certificate and not even in the same country!

anyhow -

do not put him anywhere near your baby, on the birth certificate

block them all and forget the money he owes you - he wont pay it

i would very wary about him or his mother taking the baby out the country!

Him and his Mum have been putting together emails and he claims he wants to ‘co parent’ from Dubai and that this is possible with my co operation in FaceTiming and photos and updates etc

you would be co parenting with his mum, not the father of your child. He has zero interest in doing this - his mum just wants to interfere. He has done absolutely nothing for his child - I suggest you match his efforts & do nothing for him.

and whatever you do really consider hard whether he should be on the birth certificate. What is in it for you if you do?

Send him nothing.

Don't put him on the birth certificate

Give the baby your surname

I don't know if you can go through CMS if he's abroad, but apply anyway

Keep him & his mum at arms length until he's demonstrated how he intends to coparent.

Ignore them. You are well rid.

Op how are you getting on?
I was also left when pregnant. Agree with no putting him on the bc but if you're unmarried you wouldn't have been able to do so anyway without him being there. I wouldn't object to sending a photo and confirming baby is safe when he or she arrives but don't commit to FaceTimes etc.
he can definitely afford to give you more than £150 a month if he's on tax free wages.

😂😂

She can't he's in Dubai.

He has to be present for registration.

Or alternatively get some lawyer in the UK to sort it out for him. As he's working in a bar this won't happen.

We’re getting on so well thank you - hope you’re well too I’m sorry to hear you went through the same thing! I sent a photo letting him know he was safe and well - but then all I got a few days after was blackmail and negativity so I transferred all contact to be between my parents and him so I could focus on baby and recovery. I didn’t allow him to have anymore photos because of how he was behaving and considering he hadn’t provided one single thing for his son - not even a box of nappies. However despite everything We still told him he could come and visit in November but of course he never showed up - instead just blocked my parents even though they were his form of contact to his son. He then sent a totally fake email on Christmas Day addressed to my son acting like nothing had happened. My son is 12 weeks old, I’ve never received the money he owes me and my family or any child maintenance! God knows what the future holds but I won’t tolerate inconsistency and so far it doesn’t look like he wants any involvement it’s all talk xx

Did you register him on the birth certificate?

My ex WhatsApp's me with messages to my 11 month old too 🧐 a few messages down the chain from sending me abuse and threats. Why are they like this 😫

My DDs father (not really the right word!!) never wanted anything to do with her, he was vile to me and never met her. For a while I did get maintenance through CMS but tbh when I was secure financially I chose to end it. He's not in the birth certificate and the only form of contact I have is via his (much nicer!) brother.
It's not ideal. However, she has never had a deadbeat twat dropping in and out of her life. I have always kept lines of communication open, I have never badmouthed him and she knows she can ask any questions and I'll happily answer them. She doesn't feel the need too - she has amazing men in her life (DB, my DF and my DGF as well as my DP) and is a happy, secure 12 year old.

I was also left whilst pregnant and 'coparent' remotely from different continents. DC has my surname and im the only one of BC. His dad sends a small regular amount of CM, more for xmas and birthdays. I send photographs to him and his family, host his family for visits and vice versa, facillitate video calls. The way I see it, is its not about me, its about ensuring my son can have a relationship with his father and that side of his family.

Firstly we'll done for everything you've done. It's not easy to do that pregnant ❤️ you should feel very proud.

Co parenting, is parenting.. You cannot do that virtually. Personally I wouldn't indulge in this. If he wants to meet his baby, contribute and be involved in their life he will have to put the wheels in motion either with you, or via court (if you're married, or if he has parental rights by being on the birth certificate).

If you're not married he will need to come with you in person to register the baby.

In terms of financial contribution you can claim that regardless. Personally if you can afford I'd move on and build a great life for my baby.

Sending a photo each month for a small donation.. Is bizarre. 150 per month won't touch what you will be paying.

Ridiculous behaviour. He needs to grow up and step up for his child.

From a co parenting mum

I hope you kept him off the birth certificate

Do you think she booked and a paid for his flight, picked him up from the airport and took him to the registration appointment?

I doubt any child is going to judge you for not sending pictures if they know what actually happened.

However, if this worries you send one picture every two months.

As for co-parenting, he's being ridiculous.

Oh I've just seen your update!

Well done you and congratulations @Eliza1996 you are one strong woman.