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Parenting

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Original poster

Seasoned parents - how to balance being firm vs enjoying your kids

103 replies

k80pie · 21/10/2023 09:33

Just want to hear from parents who have raised kids, and who have thoughts on how to strike a good balance between being appropriately firm with your (young) kids, and just having fun and enjoying them.

I know everyone says time goes so fast and just enjoy your kids, have fun with them etc - but I also don't want to raise badly behaved brats!

At 5 our DS is constantly pushing boundaries and we are finding we are always at him to 'stop doing that', 'don't do this' - trying to make sure we bring him up well, to do what we ask and are appropriately firm. But I don't want to crush his little spirit and be nagging parents (which I think we are in danger of becoming) and want to be able to relax and laugh and have fun. I know kids behave better when they feel connected to their parents. But then I worry we will just become pushover permissive parents whose kids don't behave well in the outside world. Any words of wisdom?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

bluesky45 · 22/10/2023 13:40

I think the boundaries you have in place are really important. Saying "your tablet time is over" but leaving the iPad next to them isn't a boundary. A boundary is saying "your tablet time is over" and physically removing the iPad from their reach. Look up Dr Becky at goodinside on Instagram and watch some of her videos or read her posts all about boundaries. It's honestly enlightening. If you think about it, you say to yourself "I'm not having any more chocolates from the box tonight" but the box is still open and next you, chances are you will take another chocolate. But if you say you aren't having anymore and put the box away, you're giving yourself a boundary that is much less likely to be broken.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 22/10/2023 14:22

k80pie · 21/10/2023 21:40

Thank you everyone for your wonderful ideas and feedback - and the discussion re boundaries, it’s giving me so much to think about.

I suppose it is a case of letting go of the small stuff. But deciding what is small stuff (ie picking battles) is actually a bit tricky. For example: swinging on chairs/bar stools. It’s annoying and distracting. But we tried enforcing it and it just hasn’t worked. Do we let that go? Natural consequences will probably sort it out eventually though two falls haven’t 😂 Also when your kid is naturally a bit defiant when they are told no, that is challenging. I wasn’t like that as a kid. We are firm, united parents. So it does make you kind of have to double down when you ask them nicely not to do something and they just say ‘no!’ It forces you to either come up with a consequence on the spot, or to let it go and decide that’s not a battle worth picking, and let them ‘win’.

I think if your kid isn’t naturally defiant it’s all just way easier. (In saying that, he’s a really good kid in lots of ways. Does do lots of things we ask. Just says no to lots too 😂🤦‍♀️)

I know you didn't especially want advice, but what strikes me is that it is quite negative " don't swing or figet" vs " try to sit still" ? "asking them not to do something" vs " telling them what behaviour you expect". Also if you know they are defiant try very hard not to say no unless you are prepared to see it right through.

Finally you don't ask, asking implies a choice, which is fine if there is one " blue or red pants ?" , " TV or movie". But not if it is an expected behaviour, it's ok to be the boss. "DS stop running about inside the shop" rather than " can you stop running about please ?". But ultimately better than both is " We walk calmly when we are in a shop" then you praise compliance. Hope that made sense.

marthasmum · 22/10/2023 20:45

Thank you the outlaws, that is very interesting. Your point about autistic girls struggling to see themselves as separate from others makes a lot of sense in relation to my DD. Also following the rest of the discussion…wish I had read it when I had 3 small kids, but then I would probably have been too knackered to put it into practice!

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