Seasoned parents - how to balance being firm vs enjoying your kids

[k80pie]

Just want to hear from parents who have raised kids, and who have thoughts on how to strike a good balance between being appropriately firm with your (young) kids, and just having fun and enjoying them.

I know everyone says time goes so fast and just enjoy your kids, have fun with them etc - but I also don't want to raise badly behaved brats!

At 5 our DS is constantly pushing boundaries and we are finding we are always at him to 'stop doing that', 'don't do this' - trying to make sure we bring him up well, to do what we ask and are appropriately firm. But I don't want to crush his little spirit and be nagging parents (which I think we are in danger of becoming) and want to be able to relax and laugh and have fun. I know kids behave better when they feel connected to their parents. But then I worry we will just become pushover permissive parents whose kids don't behave well in the outside world. Any words of wisdom?

@Neurodiversitydoctor I think with this thread I am less looking for examples of how to discipline, but more just imagining a parent of grown kids watching me parent (and nag) and saying 'ah, ease up on him a bit, look how little he is - go and cuddle him, it all goes so fast'. Like, how do you know when to just let something go, and just go a bit easy on them, without being a total useless pushover. It's very nuanced.

See again - I’m so sorry @k80pie , I’m taking over but my baby has fallen asleep on me and I can’t move! - I do understand the ‘not their friend but their parent’ view but I do think if taken to extremes it can be harmful. I’m not suggesting you personally are like this @Neurodiversitydoctor so please do not take it as such but being overly draconian and strict to the point where a child doesn’t consider you a friend and feels they can’t tell you things isn’t what any of us want.

I suppose what I mean is that ideally I’d want my children to feel they can come to Mum when it all goes wrong, rather than panicking because of what mum will say.

Definitely try and set some time aside to properly read the book - I even made separate notes! 😂 Nagging won't work. No one wants to be nagged, kids are no different. Things still aren't perfect with my DD, but things have improved significantly and I'm enjoying her company more. I share her 50/50 with my ex and I'm ashamed to say that things were so bad, I was dreading my time with her. I don't feel like that at all now, so it's definitely worth a second look at the book.

I have a nearly 6yr old DD and am struggling a bit at the moment. We are on holiday and some of her behaviour has been so challenging I’m wondering if she’s potentially neuro diverse and I’m missing something/ not dealing with it in the best way.

I’ve read all the books- how to talk so little kids will listen, unconditional parenting, the book you wish your parents had read etc and I try so hard but sometimes nothing seems to work.

I have boundaries that I stick to, say yes as much as I can, spend time with her, listen to her, chat about things after etc etc etc.

We do have fun don’t get me wrong, but at the moment all the advice just doesn’t seem to work.

Sorry- not that helpful but you aren’t alone.

@Applecrumbleyum same. Or something will work once but then be totally ineffective the next time!

There's a lot of focus in these answers on the 'how to be firm' aspect, less so on the 'how to be fun' part.

I think 'pick your battles' is the easiest and best advice. Hold firm boundaries for the few things that REALLY matter and let the rest go.

Then really engage with the stuff you've let go (this is the fun part!). So don't do it with a 'well, I suppose if you want to...' attitude. If you've decided it's ok, lean into it. Be positive about the choice you've let them make. Join in if that's possible (obviously depends on what it is).

The other thing to do is to set them up to succeed as much as possible. Pay attention to when issues arise and do what you can to head them off before they do. Are they hungry/thirsty/tired/bored/under stimulated/over stimulated etc. Parent the child you have, not the one you wish you had.

My 2 are older teens, I think they tell me most things, I certainly know more than I need to about Dd's mate's sex lives and pregnancy scares. In the holidays the house is full of young people and laughter, I'm not worried I was too scrict. They have both told me they liked having boundaries.

I think working out what matters most helps.
For me it was safety and manners (with manners including not having a negative impact on others in terms of behaviour).
Those were what we concentrated on right from the beginning and with the foundations in place, the rest seemed easier.
Sometimes you have to say don't do that - safety implications etc. But at other times you can ask - why did you do that or do you think that was a good idea. Making them think about things in this way stops you nagging and makes them think a bit about their actions.

Some examples at five for DS:
No balls games in the house-ever, but there is a football goal in the back garden and I eill take you to football twice a week and the park whenever we are free after school and at the weekend even if it means getting up in the dark and being on the touchline at 8:30am in January.

No sweets before lunch but 50p to spend in the corner shop on Tuesdays and Fridays after school.

You have to sit at the table and at least try the food in front of you, but you get an input into the weekly menu.

I will think of some others.
Board games are good at this age, snakes and ladders, monoploy maybe a bit later, there was a good tell the time one from orchard toys...

Like I say @Neurodiversitydoctor it wasn’t aimed specifically at you. I was thinking generally.

I think your food example is a good one though as if they refuse to sit at the table and try the food it’s a difficult one to enforce.

Well there would ne no TV nd the rest of us would sit there eating. Then no food till the next meal time and definitely no treats. If they tried it ( one bite for each year of your age) then they could have something else like toast. This happened on a very few occasions.

But they still aren’t doing it, so it’s not a boundary you can enforce. I know it sounds like I’m being difficult and I promise I’m not! But for example my own DS couldn’t care less if the TV is on or not, so all that would happen is he wouldn’t sit at the table and eat.

You do fun things while having clear rules about what is and is not acceptable. You remove them from situations where these rules are broken. Try again another time.

You can't be your child's friend. That's not your role and can't be your priority. There are going to be times they bloody hate you and you have to be ok with that.

You just do the best you can. Do fun stuff, spend time with them but never forget you're the parent.

So he would go hungry ? Natural consequence, no ice cream in the park when everyone else got one. Maybe he'd then eat his supper ?

Right but the boundary re sitting at the table and trying something still hasn’t been enforced.

I promise I’m not being awkward but sometimes when people talk about firm boundaries and non negotiables it is still relying heavily on the child cooperating and understanding the link between their behaviour and the ‘consequence’.

This one, fun things like that which aren't dependant on good behaviour

Well they have to be age appropriate obviously I am assuming a NT 5 yo. They can absolutely understand, "I didn't eat my lunch so I won't get a treat when the others are". A 2yo not so much.

I’m glad that I was a helicopter parent as my god my kids did some dangerous shit that genuinely could have killed at least one of them. I know those parents exist that are super chill and anything goes, but no I’m not one of them.

I’ll let things go that are just stupid japes, but if one of them is tobogganing down a flight of stairs it’s a no.

I also used to cook and bake with them, that's nice, relaxing chill time, definitely from 5.

We played on the Wii ( bowling was a favourite) as a family, had movie night and obviously took them swimming also ice skating and rollerblading on winter afternoons. I think they had plenty of fun with us and knew they were loved, but the rules were the rules.

I have three - they were all very different and all at different times all pushed boundaries - you pick your battles which actually matter to you and enforce them so no endless rules for sake of it. You also model behavior you want to see.

It's actually easier to do things and more fun to be with well behaved kids than ones that won't behave - it's just shit when they are in a pushing phase and of course you doubt yourself or others doubt you- that's modern parenting TBH.

It's setting expectations and enforcing - but being flexible given situation so how you deal with it and if there upset having more leeway.

So yes if they can't behave on bus you walk - absolute shit for me and them but stopped being a problem - same with sitting nicely in restaurant and cafe - if it's pre-ordering food and they can't behave leave. Also don't undermined yourself by threating something and not following through.

It's very hard when you have a child that apparently doesn't care about most punishments or modern sticker charts etc had one of those generally consider to be a well mannered well behaved teen now - you don't not enforce you praise where you can you model and you try and find things they care about when you have to punish - what you don't do is give up.

Oh and I have just remembered what worked brilliantly for my 2 at meal times was the " manners prize" £1 bonus for whoever had the best table manners that week dished out after pudding on Sunday They absolutely loved it, but we are all quite competitive in our house.

I promise I’m not being awkward but sometimes when people talk about firm boundaries and non negotiables it is still relying heavily on the child cooperating and understanding the link between their behaviour and the ‘consequence’.

You explain the expectation and model the behavior you want to see - and you keep doing it day in and out for years in some cases - gentle reminders of expectations - sharp words to remind them and draw focus back - and actually some understanding due to age or SEN it's not possible yet but you still lay down expectation and model the behavior and give praise when its met.

It's not all about punishment.

Yes to working out what matters, for us is was having children who would sit at the table and eat properly.

Also as above no balls in the house so property doesn't get destroyed.

When much younger being allowed to hold the buggy rather than my hand or reins when out was a privilege if they walked nicely.

Obviously hitting or hurting is unacceptable and we leave straightaway if that happens.

If they fought in the house, they got separated someone would have to do something like help me organise the kitchen cupboards or wash the floor.

I agree with a lot of posters about firm boundaries, they can be your boundaries you need to decide what’s ok and what’s not and stick to it. Pick your battles is a great one. Also if you give a consequence then always follow through. I used to see so many parents on the school run giving their children threats but never following through. Those were the children that run rings round their parents. I also wouldn’t threaten anything that would make my life more difficult. So for example if you’re looking forward to going out don’t say if you do that again we won’t go out (I hope that makes sense). I’m definitely lucky with both my DC’s that they have never really pushed me so maybe a lot is luck. I think small children like routine. They like to know what’s going to happen next. Communicate what the day is going to be like and give them some choices along the way. Give them choices that you can say yes to every time. So instead of saying what do you want to do? Say do you want to go to the park or play in the garden. Both choices are things you’re happy to do. I also did this with food.

Me and DH are very much on the same page and would always back each other up. Even if we thought the other one was being too harsh. Then we’d talk about it after when the kids weren’t around.

Now DC’s are older it’s great. They talk to us and so far they’re still not pushing boundaries. They know that they should treat everyone how they want to be treated themselves. I see the way some of their friends treat their parents and it’s heartbreaking, my DD has a friend who is truly awful to her Mum. It’s so sad.

My four are adults now - or very nearly - and I have an excellent relationship with them all (it is my greatest joy) and no major teen problems/rebellions etc. It's We have holidays together/they all come home for Christmas/we chat regularly on video phone/ and we make an effort to visit them rather than always expecting them to come to us.

They know we love them and will always be there to help BUT over the years I have had to draw several very clear and non-negotiable lines in the sand - lying to me/no drugs in the house or boys sleeping over/be decent with younger siblings/grandchildren around/it's not a hotel/restaurant/laundry. They all did chores for spending money and got a lot of support for their hobbies/sports/music/education. But in return I expect respect.

I do have a bit of a temper when pushed and I have apologised when necessary if I went over the top. But not very often 😬 I have cut them out completely on the few occasions they pushed me too far but not in a martyish or passive aggressive way without telling them what was wrong /what I expect of them (my mum did this to me all the time and I never knew where I stood) and withdrawn support/taxi/money.

And (like with horses and dogs) - be consistent, never ask twice, ALWAYS follow through with a threat - don't say 'if you don't stop throwing food we will leave the cafe/friends house' and then ignore the bad behaviour. Leave immediately if they do it again and do not accept an apology! It is hard and you worry they'll hate you forever but they won't!