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Original poster

Husband holding us back??

49 replies

Soggysocks17 · 21/10/2023 04:25

Hi, im frustrated and need a little advice.
I’ve been with my husband for 12 years 4 children and we generally get on very well, little arguing kids happy etc.

so we live in a 2 bed and I’m desperately trying to move into 3 bed, we’ve had a few offers but due to my husband not being able to drive we can’t travel to far from his work as he needs good transport links but where we are currently living is having a 3 bed crisis so nothing is around.

For years I’ve asked him to drive as it would better our lives and also take more pressure off me as I’m the one who does all the school/childcare drops off, holidays, days out, family visits and he always says the same, I’ll start in January but January never comes.
I never get a break because he can’t just take the kids out for the day to give me space.

I’ve been putting money away for a mortgage deposit as that was the plan to buy our own home, well he approached me last week and said he thinks we shouldn’t save for a mortgage yet and ‘enjoy’ life. This leaves us stuck in a 2 bed with 4 kids and me being up all night with the youngest because child no 3 won’t sleep and wake’s everyone up in the room, while he sleeps through it.

He is also the main earner, I was until we had our last baby 9 months ago and due to me being the only driver he can’t do school runs/nursery runs so I have to drop my hours to part time to care for the children. He pays a certain amount in bills and keeps the rest for himself and don’t help with the day to day cost of the kids. He surplus is more than my mat pay. I will also pay the nurses fees solo again.

I love my husband and our children are In a happy household but I feel like he’s holding us back from having a more stable relaxed life and every time I bring it up he shuts it down quick.

he also doesn't have a penny saved, so any emergencies’ come out of my already stretched pockets.

I’m so fed up with feeling trapped in life but I know life will get harder if I’m alone in this and I’ll struggle so much more.

any advice?

OP posts:
Eccentricthesnowman · 21/10/2023 04:42

You have the patience of a saint. You need to sit down with him and make a long term plan. How your lives will look in 2, 5 or 10 years. You are being very realistic, he has his head completely in the clouds. Plan how you are going to save, his licence (four children could need to be in for different places at the same time very quickly), how bedrooms are going to work long term, how housework x6 people is going to work, look at having joint accounts etc and if he is not willing to take some of the loads you would be better off without. He is acting like a teenager and in a few years you will have four more of them

PantsOfDoom · 21/10/2023 04:47

Yep leave him? He sounds so selfish and indulged, far from family orientated and he obviously gives very little care and thought to your needs. A entitled self centred man-teen who wants to keep all the sweets, avoid chores and relentlessly use mums taxi service.

Please keep saving for the house and do not let him access the cash. Consider couples therapy alternate weeks to work through selfish behaviours - wittering away money while keeping it away from the family (potentially abusive), the lack of family engagement and pressure on you through opting not to drive.

Start openly looking at houses in areas you like, anything under 10 miles is cyclable for him. He can hop on an electric or pedal bike if he can’t be bothered to learn to drive. Alternatively he could get his moped licence in a day to avoid peddling. He just needs a good set of waterproofs to deal with bad weather and a helmet.

DustyLee123 · 21/10/2023 07:34

He is controlling your life, leave him, hopefully he’ll have the kids for some time so you get a break.

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DisforDarkChocolate · 21/10/2023 07:36

Why do you love your financially abusive husband?

LongLiveGoblingKing · 21/10/2023 07:41

He's a financially abusive man child, yes he is holding you back!

GrumpyPanda · 21/10/2023 07:44

He pays a certain amount in bills and keeps the rest for himself and don’t help with the day to day cost of the kids.

He refuses to pay (not "help") for his own kids?!! That's some next-level financial abuse you've got going on. And you're seriously telling us you love this horrible individual? You need help to get away from him.

fairymary87 · 21/10/2023 07:44

He's taking you for an absolute ride!!! I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but if he earns more why on earth are you footing the bill for everything and why one earth has he got no savings! This is ridiculous. Also I don't drive, my fiancé does. But I take her out on more days out etc, there's a thing call public transport. He should look into it.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 21/10/2023 07:55

I love my husband
Why? He’s a cunt.

DustyLee123 · 21/10/2023 07:57

You’ve answered your own question as to why he won’t learn to drive, so that he doesn’t have to do any running around. He’s playing you like a banjo.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 21/10/2023 08:06

And if you have to be close to good transport links for his job, he can also use those good transport links to take the DC out.

fluffy71 · 21/10/2023 08:13

My father was exactly like this 40 years ago. I didn’t think men like this still existed. Change isn’t going to happen over night but you need to encourage him into a bike/moped as someone else said. Start with that problem first off

Itsjustmeee · 21/10/2023 08:37

spitefulandbadgrammar · 21/10/2023 07:55

I love my husband
Why? He’s a cunt.

Nah cunts are warm and have depth and are quite useful

Itsjustmeee · 21/10/2023 08:39

Your holding yourself back by staying with him
sadly if you divorce he could probably take half of the houde deposit you have in savings

Venturini · 21/10/2023 08:49

Divorce. It’s a no brainer.

ludicrouslycapaciousbags · 21/10/2023 08:53

4 children in a 2 bed house Hmm

Motherofalittledragon · 21/10/2023 08:53

I'm not sure why you love this absolute waste of space selfish man child, keep saving for a mortgage deposit and leave him to "enjoy" life on his own.

Justcallmebebes · 21/10/2023 09:12

I wanted to comment and say something useful but I honestly have no words

Original poster
Soggysocks17 · 21/10/2023 09:13

Thank you everyone,

whenever I approach him things it his words are “ I could be at the pub all the time but I’m not I’m home with you” to try and justify how much of a good man he is.

yes I do love him, or do I love the idea of a family because I never grew up in one?

a few years ago he told me he didn’t want to do manual as it made him nervous so we settled in auto I rang around driving schools got him booked in he did a few lessons and then stopped.

he’s very much a give it time it will happen person and I’m a if you want it you gotta work hard for it. I had a very well paid job because I worked hard for it and busted my balls.

I've been waiting a decade to start life (buys an house, go abroad with the kids, drive etc) and no I realise what an idiot I have been and the time I’ve wasted hoping and praying he wants the same things from life.

I totally agree with the comment of he’s a man-teen! Sometimes it feels like I have 5 kids.

I need to start making moves for me and the kids without him.
I'm someone who’s always said I don’t want to have any regrets and wished I would have done thing’s different when I’m at the end of my life and unfortunately I think with him I will have missed out on a lot.

OP posts:
Primproperpenny · 21/10/2023 09:15

Either this is a wind up or he’s done a real number on you. Can’t you see that you’re being used, controlled, belittled? Leave and live the one life you have!

Original poster
Soggysocks17 · 21/10/2023 09:20

I wish it was a wind up

OP posts:
fruitstick · 21/10/2023 09:22

Of course he doesn't want to learn to drive.

It sounds like you have more serious issues around money.

However, as an aside, my DS is now a teen. There is a family on my son's football team and the husband doesn't drive. They have two children who both play on different teams.

Every other game she asks someone to give her husband and child a lift because she has to drive the other one. It is source of much eye rolling and resentment amongst the other parents.

You have four children. He absolutely needs to learn to drive.

DustyLee123 · 21/10/2023 10:26

6 if you in a 2 bed, when he’s not even trying to make it better, is so sad.

Unicorn2022 · 21/10/2023 10:35

If you want to stay with him (although he sounds awful) you need to give him an ultimatum. Say that from now on all money goes into one pot (not him deciding that he pays for hardly anything) and from that pot you can pay everything, take the kids abroad and save for a deposit. Second ultimatum is he learns how to drive starting next week, and sees it through. Say if he doesn't agree with them then you will divorce him.

Unicorn2022 · 21/10/2023 10:42

The reason he's not learning to drive is purely because he is a lazy selfish man who doesn't want to do school runs or taxi the kids around.

I know you said your kids are in a happy household but that is because you are doing everything, putting aside your own needs and holding your tongue to keep the peace. This isn't really a good example to set to the kids. You said you wouldn't be able to manage without him but you definitely would, and you need to believe this and let him know you will split up if he doesn't change his attitude.

minuette1 · 21/10/2023 14:59

I know you can’t send any of them back but why did you have so many children with this loser and in those living conditions?